MY 2016 IN THE REAR VIEW MIRROR

Christmas morning 2015 I awoke sweating from a horrific dream! I was in Hell! I was led thru a dark tunnel by a hooded figure. It opened into an enormous cavern with gigantic flames blazing at the opposite end. Another larger hooded figure loomed off to one side its back to me. Slowly, it began turning in my direction.

I don't want to talk to you, I thought. Then I awoke. It left me shaken and I was sweating. December 2016 was a particularly hot one. I was wearing summer clothes on Christmas Day.

The new year began with my 65th birthday shortly afterward, followed by a wondrous and amazing private tour of Thailand that I will forever treasure. The trip required 7 stressful, even downright torturous airplane flights (3 within Thailand itself) but the destination was worth it.

Other than Thailand, 2016 was memorable for all the wrong reasons.

I returned in terrible shape and suffering pain! I do not have Insurance, and according to Dr. Google, I was in the preliminary stages of an impending heart attack and also diabetic! This sent me into a panic! I went to the clinic with the sliding scale fee to arrange an appointment. I described my symptoms and was instructed to go to the Emergency Room. Since the hospital does not operate on a sliding scale basis, I went home.

I scheduled a session with Life Line Screenings for tests as well as an appointment with the clinic. Both were unable to see me for several months. In the meantime, I drastically changed my diet to all fruits, vegetables, & lean proteins. My weight plummeted fast! Soon I was down to 118 lbs. The pain and swelling in my feet & calves began to diminish.

My test results came as big relief! Other than neuropathy, (nerve damage in my feet) I was healthy. However the doctor at the clinic insisted that I maintain the diet.

Despite the fact I would have affordable health care in another country, I decided expatriating wasn't for me. No place is better than here. But now that sleazy Don and his co-whores are taking over the country, I am reconsidering. Plus HERE is expensive and getting more so all the time!

I'm in the process of all those costly and numerous repairs to my house that I'd put off to afford my exploratory trips. My badly cracked driveway has finally been replaced.

In 2017 my house will need to be repainted and rotting wood replaced.  But first, I must wait until I recover financially. 2016 was a year I was hit from all sides with sudden, unexpected expenses for which I didn't budget!

Among these was hurricane Matthew! A category 4 that missed a direct hit on the Treasure Coast by the skin of our teeth! I gladly sent $100 donation to the Pastor who came up from Port St. Lucie along with my Tech man Jake, to board up my windows. Without them, things could have ended tragically had Matthew hit directly as the charts predicted. My windows were kept boarded until after hurricane season ended.

The outside of my house was covered in mold from all the rain. In November, the man I hired to remove it said he'd unboard me for $100. I was tired of living inside a dark cavern so I agreed to that price. -- I won't go into all the other expenses (& there are plenty) that came out of the blue. That's just life!

As to Matthew, I predicted this hurricane in my tea leaves and I have a witness! This storm I saw in my teacup could also be a foretelling of Donald Trump's win. I can only envision upsets and terrible things coming! Probably far worse than anything that happened in 2016, for both me and our country.

2016 was also the year a friendship ended, badly. Two others developed cracks and repairing them may not be possible.

I'm someone who hates drama and goes out of the way to avoid it. But it always finds a way of hunting me down. However I will deal with it and I'll survive.

ALONE ON THE HOLIDAYS & LOVING IT

Every year we are bombarded with propaganda that Christmas is a warm and fuzzy time for loving family & friends to enjoy together.  -- What a (@$^&*+^%! bunch of bull crap! I prefer to be alone; I enjoy it more that way!

Constantly, I read online or in the newspaper how people should reach out to those alone on the holidays. -- Newsflash! Reach out to me when a hurricane is threatening my house, but for Christ's sake, leave me alone on Christmas!

OK, so holidays alone are depressing for some people, but others (like me) run with it! And we're carrying streamers and screaming for joy!!! Plus I resent the stereotype that people alone are emotionally needy. Not everyone equates being alone with lonely, some find it liberating!!!

However this Christmas, just like the last, I WON'T be alone.

Next door, I have a fairly new, retired couple of snowbirds. Unlike most of my other neighbors, I actually like these people. And that's beginning to create a yearly problem for me. The first time, I was able to politely exclude myself from their Christmas Day plans. I told them that I honestly preferred to spend the day alone. Last year, they insisted I must come to meet their grown kids & grandchildren, along with another couple.

Everyone was pleasant and interesting. I was included in everything and had it not been Christmas Day, I would have welcomed it. BUT, I felt as if I was missing out on all those things I enjoy and look forward to alone.

For decades, my Christmas was spent as a foot soldier in someone else's holiday. Alone, I became the Commander! At long last I could enjoy a Christmas my way! Suddenly I began looking forward to holidays again with the same joy and enthusiasm as I did when I was small child, only now it's even better!

I can decorate to the hilt or not, light scented candles, listen to my favorite music, and spend all day in my pajamas watching movies of my choice. Plus I can serve myself exactly what I like to eat at whatever time I desire. And since Christmas is now my big cheat- on-my-diet day, this is more important than ever!

I'll have it next Christmas! I assured myself last time.

NOT!!!!  I've been lassoed again!!!!

"Everyone remembers you and will be so disappointed if you don't come," I was told.

Only weeks before, I turned this nice couple down when they offered to take me out for Thanksgiving Dinner. I felt they would be offended if I refused another holiday invitation. So reluctantly, I agreed.

Because they live right next door, I can't use my other plans excuse. That lie won't fly! My house is the one right before the bend in the road; their house is set back from mine. Despite all the greenery, they can see all my comings and goings.

Also they spend next to zero time on their computer, so I doubt they'll ever read this.

Next year, I will be both polite and assertive. I vow to reclaim MY Christmas!

CONFESSIONS OF A FOOD BIGOT

“Don’t eat anything WHITE,” warned Oprah Winfrey. “It’s unhealthy!”

Well, I prefer WHITE food!!! – Brown rice, pasta, & bread; were never allowed inside my fridge, pantry, or even my house. They taste so awful to me it kills the pleasure of eating! Give me WHITE rice, pasta, bread, cake, powdered sugar donuts, & Camembert cheese! Anything WHITE, keep that other stuff away from me!

I remember buying chunks of white chocolate at the supermarket to make fudge. As I tossed it onto the counter the woman behind me leaned over. "Don't you know that stuff is like eating pure frosting," she scolded.

"Gosh, you say that as if it's a bad thing," I replied with a smirk. Inside my head I was screaming, "MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, LADY!!!"

Fast forward to the present, I must be careful of what I put into my mouth. The nerve damage in my feet acts as a shock collar if I stray too far from a healthy diet. Strange as it sounds, the pain can be controlled by cutting way back on anything too delicious. However it's better than being dependant on some expensive medication with a long list of side effects.

But thank goodness for my once- a -week doctor sanctioned cheat days! Plus I'm also allowed a special treat every now & then, too. The rest of the time, I'm suffering thru a lot of grilled tofu over kale & mixed veggies. Almost everything I consume now is salad based.

Tofu is white, but it's like the J.F.K. of white foods. It's good for you, but it's unsavory to me. Plain Greek yogurt is another good white food. I use it in place of sour cream which I much prefer.

However one vegetable I just can’t stomach is CARROTS!!! Recently, I bought a bag of frozen mixed veggies. The first thing I did was to remove and throw away all the carrots before placing the bag in my freezer. -- Yet, Carrot Cake is one of my all time favorite desserts! It's a mystery to me how a vegetable so repulsive and gag inducing can be transformed into such a heavenly tasting concoction! Guess it has something to do with all those walnuts, raisins, & coconut in the mixture; or perhaps its voodoo magic!

Until recently, I had never tasted a Brussels’ sprout. In my family, they were never served. The only reason I can imagine is because my father didn’t like them. All our meals were planned around him.  Anyway  yuck! I’ll never buy them again!!!

Apple cider vinegar is supposed to be sooo healthy, almost miraculously so!  But it tastes nasty to me! Honey helps some, but not much. I prefer WHITE vinegar and it tastes better on salads than most dressings!

I make plenty of frittatas, and what comedian Steve Martin refers to as the KKK omelet. (Egg whites only) But often I cheat and mix in a whole egg. Recently, I read that eggs are healthy and to forget what I've read in the past.

The new diet is here to stay. Even if it doesn't keep me out of the hospital or a nursing home, I love being able to fit into my smaller size clothes again.

Plus a small piece of dark chocolate once a day is now considered healthy, too. -- I think I can live with that!

THE TREE IS UP, NOW BRING ON THE ZOMBIES

Forget Black Friday!!! The day following Thanksgiving is when I erect my Christmas tree, it's a tradition of mine.

First, I must remove anything in the surrounding area that's breakable. (I've learned this the hard way!) But that does not include my nearly 66 year old body. The job is a strenuous , physically demanding one. My big artificial tree comes in 3 parts. The first 2 are wide and heavy, the last involves stretching precariously while balancing on a ladder. My tree is set on a table. I have a 30 ft cathedral ceiling and I need the height. Besides, I've never liked small Christmas trees, they look dinky to me.

Putting up a big tree by yourself is similar to fighting zombies. In addition to being vigilant and cautious, you must dress as streamline as possible!  Zombies have bony, grabby fingers and trees (both artificial & real) have branches that catch on fabrics. Both can result in disaster! Often, I wear shorts and a T-shirt, sometimes with a sweater, but no materials that snag.

Last Christmas I decided against a tree. I was going to visit Thailand in early January and didn't want to risk injury. I missed having one, but the trip was just too important.

My snowbird friend Marie worries about me because I only have landlines, (Cell phones don't work inside my house, anyway!) should I ever fall ill, or just fall, period, my closest downstairs phone is high on the wall.

I told her I would crawl to my front door and open it.

"But what if you can't!" she said. "What if you suffer a heart attack?"                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

I insisted I could! To demonstrate, I got down on the floor clutching my chest while moaning "My heart, my heart" as I crawled toward the door.

"It might not be your heart," Marie declared, "You might break a hip, instead!"

Immediately, I shifted my hand down to my thigh. "My hip, my hip" I groaned as I crawled along. Finally, I reached the door, unlocked it, and stuck my head out. In my most pitiful & pathetic voice I whimpered, "help, help,".  We both laughed!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

However, should I fall and hit my head on my stone fireplace, I'd probably be unconscious and a phone would be of no use anyway. And if I fell in the other direction I'd land atop my big TV and that must be protected at all cost! So, while balancing on the ladder, I kept telling myself, if you feel yourself falling, aim for the window in the back!

I always begin this job in mid-morning. This time around it was a chilly Florida day. However, in no time I was breaking into a sweat! I stripped down to my bra and shorts, early. Thanks to my new healthier diet, I'm back to my fighting weight! The Christmas tree was up, decorated and lit by 3:00 PM!

As I gazed upon its sparkle and beauty, suddenly all of my effort had become worth it. A Christmas tree gives a room an exhilarating feeling of magic!

So release the zombies! This old lady can take them on, at least for another year!

THE MOST JOYOUS & DANGEROUS ROOM

I've read that the most hazardous room in your house is the bathroom. For me, it has to be the kitchen, definitely and without a doubt!

I am blessed with a kitchen and formal dining room that each have beautiful nature views; but stuff happens.

Twice, I've had fires on my stove top that sent me into a panic!

The first time, I was frying coconut shrimp. Oil splattered and flames shot up! Luckily, I managed to suffocate it. Perhaps I'd better stick with TV dinners, I figured.  Afterward, I found coconut shrimp at the supermarket that could be baked instead.

The second incident happened recently. I fixed a burner that had been long dead and got it working again. Well, as I was setting my table I heard an explosion! I ran into the kitchen and saw my tea kettle engulfed in flames! Fortunately again, I was able to put it out.

One incident involved blood.

The summer before last, I was reaching for a glass in the back of my cabinet. Two in the front started tumbling toward me. Instantly, I grabbed them smashing them together, breaking both. A piece of glass went into the upper side of my wrist below the mound of Venus (I've studied palm reading.) Blood gushed profusely down my arm. I was unable to stop the bleeding.

I thought about calling 911, then I remembered that I don't have Insurance. I raced upstairs and got scotch tape, that stopped the bleeding! Had it not, my next step would have been duct tape.

Recently, I have discovered and fallen in love with spaghetti squash. For me to love ANY vegetable is a rarity indeed! So I eagerly bought one at the supermarket. Well it was like trying to cut thru a rock! It was frustrating. I was breaking into a heavy sweat! Suddenly the knife slipped and barely missed going thru my wrist! I picked up that squash and hurled it out into the back yard! It's rotting out there as I type.

In my mind, preparing one is tantamount to going out and killing your own turkey. But I haven't given up on spaghetti squash. I'm going to purchase a small hatchet at the hardware store. Let's hope I don't chop off any fingers!

Oh yeah, and Christmas dinner is just ahead.

REPAIRS, RED PEPPERS, & REVERSE MORTGAGES

Visiting developing countries is fun and interesting because you know when the visit is over you're returning to something much better. As for my notion of making one my future home, the reality was rather disenchanting. However, now that we've elected a man so vile, dangerous, and worthy of contempt as our president, I'm wondering if I made a big mistake!

Whether expatriating or remaining; there is one thing I must do first and that is fix up my house. It needs many repairs and less than half are now completed. But I must wait, because I'm hemorrhaging  money!

Plus I'm trying to save enough for another exploratory trip. I still might expatriate! Thanks to the dreadful outcome of the election, it's back on the table.

I'd like to find a job that I could do at home, one that would at least pay for my groceries. My Spam file is constantly full of those, but all are scams! I found a few that weren't, but the pay is paltry and sporadic.

After returning from Thailand, I asked my financial advisor about a reverse mortgage. Looking into it, he said it would be perfect for me because I have no one with whom to leave anything. (High five! I did something right, AGAIN!) However he wants me to put it off as long as possible, which I intend to do.

I've heard plenty of horror stories concerning those. One person told me he'd burn his house down for the insurance before he'd ever get one! Plus I have an elderly friend who signed on for one and they pulled all manner of shady numbers on her. She fell for their TV commercial. It was the one featuring the washed-up actor everyone thought was dead. And he may as well be if he'd shill for a crooked company like that! She ended up suing them. She won, but they put her thru hellfire!

Also she received help from the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau which has cracked down and ended numerous predatory practices against consumers.This falls under the Dodd-Frank Act which Trump now seeks to eliminate!!! --Thank you, all of you SUCKERS who voted for this man!!!

If the Dodd-Frank Act is eliminated, I will be leery about a reverse mortgage. As it stands now there are things already that make me nervous. I've heard they can't take your house away. --- Oh yes they can!!!

If you ever become so poor as unable to pay your taxes and insurance, you'll be out on the street! Ditto if you are unable to maintain your home. As to maintenance, their standards may be different from mine. I let repairs slide to afford my 2 exploratory trips.

Plus I’d like to take another big, exotic trip, or two, or three before I taste the cosmic dust. I'd hate to return from vacation only to discover I no longer owned my home. Anyway, a reverse mortgage is on hold.

Last  January, after returning from Asia I was in terrible shape. It was a major health scare & a wake-up call! As much as I hate it, nearly everything I eat now is salad based. I'm incorporating as many colorful vegetables & fruits into my diet as possible.

I am not expecting to live forever. My goal is to avoid hospitals or a nursing home. Of course I can’t control everything! Just standing at my mailbox I could be hit by a car/stray bullet/comet/ lightning, etc. But what I can control I have an obligation to, out of respect for myself and my body. Plus there are benefits, I can fit into all my smaller size clothes, again!

The holidays are nearly upon us, but sadly, because of the election, I am in no frame of mind to celebrate.  Next January a sleazy con man takes office as our Commander in Chief!

ELECTION REFLECTION

Recently, we had the choice between a really bad candidate and the worse one ever to run for office. Hillary was just running for President, but Donald was running for King! Unfortunately, the latter won! And we are liable to end up with a $#)1@%! dictator!!!

Oh yeah, I'm constantly told about the safeguards that will prevent this from happening. But sleazy Don is the type to subvert these. He's already bragged about making politicians do whatever he wants with bribes.

Geez, can't someone poison him and his whore (PENCE not Melania) before he takes office. This man is VILE in neon letters and dangerously unqualified to for the office!

Calling Hillary crooked, coming from this nefarious creature is hillarious! OK, so the kettle is dirty, but the pot is caked with scum. Trump belongs in jail, not the White House! He's just a skillful flim-flam artist.

To those who voted for him to see change; OH YOU'LL SEE IT, you ignorant bastards & bitches, but it won't be anything good! You are sheep and he is a jackal! you are just too dim and deluded to see it!!! It's bad enough we've lost our moral compass. But how can anyone be stupid enough not to see thru Donald Trump. Just look at his history! He's so transparent!

I believe there is plenty more yet to emerge concerning him. Let's hope decency prevails and he ends up being impeached. And remember he's old, maybe he'll have a stroke and croak. (My fingers are crossed!) Plus I'm making a voodoo doll.

I remember the morning of the election. I got a phone call at 8:30 AM. I answered because I was meeting my friends Marie & Priscilla later for lunch and figured no one else would be calling me during that hour. Anyway, it was someone stating that I was a finalist for a million dollar prize in a sweepstakes I'd entered online. "I'm serious," the man said, "We need info, here."

I've received calls such as this before and was suspicious. Also I've won 4 sweepstakes prizes in my life and was never phoned. I asked him the name of the sweepstakes.

It was one I'd never heard of, much less entered!

"You probably have forgotten," he said.

I told him I was busy. "Can't you send me an email?" I asked.

"This will only take a few minutes," he assured me.

"I'm BUSY!" I hollered into the phone!

 He hung up.

After returning from lunch, I checked my Inbox. Guess what I found, an email stating I'd won $800,0000. -- but I needed to provide info. To be 100% sure, I consulted my Tech man, Jake.

"Bad news" he said.

Straight to Spam it went!

I see a parallel between my 8:30 AM phone call and Trump's win. Both appealed to base instincts; making big empty promises, while clandestinely seeking to take advantage. And from the election results I see we are Sucker Nation!!!

HOLDING MY NOSE & VOTING

There wasn’t a clothespin tight enough to block the stench as I sat gazing down at my absentee ballot!

I never imagined I’d be voting for Hillary Clinton. I have never liked this woman! And I can’t forget her condescending remark way back in the early 90’s about women who stay home, bake cookies, and attend Teas. These are things which have always given me great joy! Hey Hillary, maybe if you baked Bill some cookies you’d have caught on he was banging other women early enough to squelch it!

Plus she was in such vehement denial! Not to mention Hillary lashed out horribly at these women while her husband was given a free pass.

Then there was her stupid lie about dodging gunfire in Bosnia. Didn’t she notice all those cameras around her????

But despite the bimbo eruptions as they were called and other more serious failings, the Clinton Administration accomplished some remarkable things, such as ending the federal deficit and leaving us with a surplus, not to mention necessary environmental regulations.

Sadly, these things were undone by the dunce replacing them!

Also there was considerable economic growth under the Clinton Administration. And the Capital Gains Tax was changed thus enabling us to sell our house on the St. Lucie without taking a big hit. Because of this I have an income, now! I am NOT sucking on any taxpayer tit, here!

As for Hillary’s emails and Benghazi, past Presidents have done far worse things that were completely ignored.

However, I would prefer to be voting for Elizabeth Warren.

Then, there’s the OTHER choice in this election. Thank you, Tea Potty scumbags for giving us this odious candidate! It’s a mystery to me why anyone would vote for this orange blob of slime! To do so, requires ignoring a long list of facts as well as acres of red flags. The term “useful idiots” springs to mind. Anyway, he may very well be our next President due to minions of sycophantic slime balls!

I swear there are people in this country who would vote for Satan himself if he ran on the Republican ticket! This is a candidate willing to scapegoat and destroy innocent people to achieve his own ends.

I listened attentively to every debate as I hope everyone else did.

With all the serious issues in the world and this country, dumpy Donald spent more than a week after the first debate attacking some former beauty queen! Whenever I hear the term “Fat Pig” the first person that springs to mind is Donald Trump.

Instead of telling us exactly how thru his genius he’s going to miraculously fix all our problems, he’s bringing up Bill Clinton’s marital infidelities. This from a man who cheated on 2 ex-wives! His defense, “I wasn’t the President.” – As if that makes a difference! And I’ll bet he cheats on Melania, too, given his history.

And now HE has women he sexually abused coming forward! Why is anyone surprised?

To all you bible-thumping Christians voting for this man, you are hypocrites!!! -- The only reason he apologized is because he got caught and you are all suckers!

This person has a history of stiffing workers and don’t forget his scam university. To me, this equates to being a con and a cheat! Plus Mr. Smarter-than-everybody-else lost $916 million dollars in business failures in one year! Just imagine all the damage he could do to the U.S. economy!

I do not believe for one minute that Slimy Don cares about this country except for how he can use it to his advantage. This creep is all about ego! The White House is just another trophy to him; it matters not, if he doesn’t know how to run it, or cares to learn.

Also I would not put it past him to get us into a major conflict just to assure him an extra chapter in the history books. If people are killed, captured, or maimed it’s because they’re losers and expendable in his mind. Winners are the ones sending them off to war.

I remember him discussing George W. Bush’s reign. “Reign?” Yup, that’s what he said! Interesting choice of words! I thought we were a Republic NOT a Monarchy!

Trump is considered a dangerous clown in other countries, except for those run by dictators; the guys who can’t be voted out, which Trump admires and has said so! How can people be so stupid as not to see a flaming red flag here!

I would vote for Rocky the Flying Squirrel to keep Donald Trump out of the White House. If he wins, I will be ashamed to call myself a citizen of the United States!

Perhaps I should reconsider expatriating in that case. My friend Sue is planning a move to Mexico if he wins. I told her I’m going with her! However when he ruins our economy (and he will) it will affect me wherever I’m living! My principal from which I derive income is here.

The way society has devolved, why is anyone surprised that we’ve ended up with candidates such as these!!! Moralizing has become an anathema. Now it’s do your own thing (even if it’s sleazy, illegal, or just plain wrong) everyone is sooo scared of being judgmental. I say, moralize like hell and be judgmental, BE VERY JUDGMENTAL AND HOLD PEOPLE ACCOUNTABLE!!!

FIRST CLASS FLYS, ECONOMY CLASS DIES

Unfortunately, you cannot zap out commercials watching On Demand TV shows. So I was tempted to throw a rock at my screen when I saw the commercial with Jennifer Anniston stepping out of a shower in a spacious airline bathroom. She was promoting Emirates Airlines detailing all the luxurious experiences awaiting you including interesting places to explore as you stroll onboard. – Sure, as long as you belong to the 1 per cent! Lovely Jennifer didn’t want her cushy flight to end.

Last January I flew Emirates to Thailand and back in Economy Class and the experience was overwhelmingly miserable. Cramped, exhausted, and in pain; I was counting every millisecond waiting for the wretched flights to end.

The bathrooms in Economy Class are so tiny you can barely turn around; about the width of an upright coffin. And usually there were long lines!

The passenger seats were so narrow, I felt squeezed and I’m a slim woman. Everyone behind me on all 4 Emirates flights complained when I tried to recline; and they didn’t recline far to start.

I was ordered by the Board of Health to get up and walk around to prevent deep vein thrombosis. As a senior, I’m at greater risk. However the passengers in Economy Class were discouraged from doing this! The narrow aisles had constant traffic; crew was always going back & forth and people were heading for restrooms. Passengers were instructed NOT to get up and room around!

Blood clots from deep vein thrombosis are a serious issue, a potentially life-threatening condition!

Below is an airline joke that’s right on the mark:

An Emirates Boeing 777-200LR was flying thru stormy skies amidst booming thunder and bolts of lightning. Suddenly a harried stewardess appeared at the forefront. “Don’t panic!’ she hollers, “A bomb has been discovered in the baggage compartment. Please stay calm! Everything is under control! Parachutes are now being distributed in First & Business Class! To everyone in Economy Class, Thank you for flying Emirates!”

I’ve read about people returning from lengthy flights with blood clots in both legs. What I can’t understand is why they don’t SUE THE AIRLINE it’s clearly their fault!!!

If someone can afford the luxury of First Class, I don’t begrudge them that. UNLESS they’re taking away from others to have it! Airplanes are enormous, yet only so big. To have all of that strolling space, large bathrooms, bars, & seats that recline like beds; they must cut space elsewhere!

Why isn’t there a separate airliner for the obscenely wealthy????  A big and special one! Then the rest of us might at least have BASIC COMFORT again!!! Economy Class has become the 21^st Century equivalent of traveling steerage.

Ugh and ick! Nowadays people in Economy Class dress way down and look like bums. Perhaps I should have titled this post: FIRST CLASS FLYS, ECONOMY CLASS FLIES! -- For crying out loud, you don’t need a lot of money to look sharp! I remember when Economy Class passengers were dressed to the nines!

On the other hand, there’s no incentive to dress up when you know you’re going to be uncomfortable right from the get-go!

At the end of the commercial, you see Jennifer sitting happily in a lower tier with children while their mother luxuriates in a plush First Class seat that encloses for privacy. Yeah right! If I’m ever on the same airplane as Jennifer Anniston, I doubt she would give up her First Class accommodations to me or anyone else for even 5 milliseconds!

MATTHEW I SAW YOU COMING

But I hoped to be wrong. I am hardly psychic. But I am a tasseologist, I read tea leaves for fun. Good thing, because my accuracy rate is way down there, about 20%. However, it may just be coincidence, but sometimes my predictions are right on target.

One morning weeks ago while the tropics were peaceful, I saw in my cup the image a major hurricane headed toward us!  It was so clearly defined, it left me shaken.

Later in the AM, my financial advisor Bob phoned and I told him what I had seen. (He is my witness!) Bob poo-pooed the notion. I agreed that I was probably just being silly. The Atlantic was so calm it seemed as if no more hurricanes would be on the horizon this season.

Shortly after, Matthew formed in the Atlantic and soon became a grievous category 4. Before long, it wrecked havoc and death in Haiti. But the charts showed it far to the west of Florida. However, in the days to come it began moving further to the east. Now it was predicted to move up the Florida coast. One model showed a direct hit here in Vero Beach as a Cat 4!

Suddenly I was in panic mode!

Four years ago, I asked my yard man if he would board me up in the event of a hurricane. “No problem,” he said, “I live close-by.” Hopefully, he hadn’t developed amnesia as a previous yard guy did. When I phoned him, I was told, “Sorry, I’m behind and I’m just too busy.” I inquired if he knew anyone else I could hire. He thought for a minute, and then replied, “They’re all busy, too.”

So now I would be facing a Cat 4 monster alone and unprepared!!!

The following day I had an appointment scheduled with my Tech man, Jake. Naturally I called to cancel. I inquired if he knew of anyone for the job. 

Jake asked about my neighbors.  NONE have offered in any previous hurricane! (I endured Wilma unboarded and watched a tree snap in half outside my window!) All of my neighbors are aware that I am a senior citizen who is physically incapable of this task!

And I posted on Facebook that I was desperate to hire someone! Despite 2 friends sharing my post no one responded. Then I read posts from other single women gushing exuberantly about how their wonderful neighbors were stepping up to help in their time of need. – Well my neighbors SUCK and ROT!

Jake phoned back. He and his pastor were coming to my rescue! The following AM they drove up in a church van from Port St. Lucie. Golden kudos to both and poison ivy, hornets, and curses to my neighbors!

Time was growing short; I dusted off my 2 battery-operated lanterns & radio from 10 years ago. My batteries were all from that period as well and no longer worked. I made an emergency round to all the stores. No D batteries were left and that’s exactly what I needed!

My friend Rose, brought me D batteries, plus a better radio & an extra flashlight. Unfortunately, my old lanterns no longer worked. But I got thru Hurricane Frances and the aftermath with just candles and a flashlight.

Rose wanted me to spend the hurricane in her extra bedroom. She has a generator, which I do not. However even in the worst of times, I’m more comfortable in my own home. Plus I can do damage control here. Rose took most of my frozen food to keep until after the storm. I was prepared to spend a week without electricity.

Stores ran out of bottled water, fast. Not a problem for me. Oh good grief! I just fill-up bottles of tap water ahead of time as well as my bath & laundry tubs. Buying water from a store just seems crazy to me! I think some people must have too much money.

I was so stressed over the hurricane; finally I took one of the doctor recommended GABA (natural tranquilizer) pills. All it did was sap my energy and make me tired. And there was much left to do!

I gathered up all my important papers and made sure they were water-proof. I packed clothes in plastic bags and brought them downstairs along with many other items.

My safe room with no windows and walls on 3 sides is my downstairs bathroom. I spent the night on the floor as in previous hurricanes.

The GABA had worn off and I would NOT be taking another! Should the worst occur, I wanted to be alert and able to react fast! -- I can’t fathom these people who get drunk during a hurricane. That’s the LAST thing they should be doing!

The electricity went out at 10:30 PM. Ferocious winds wailed and lashed my house along with deafening bangs. It sounded as if refrigerators were being forcefully thrown against my home as well as direct hits from cannon balls! It was a miserable, uncomfortable, horrible night.

Boarded-up without electricity, my house is spooky inside and the 30 ft cathedral ceiling adds an extra element of eeriness. Usually, I stay put on the bathroom floor. However after going thru so many hurricanes alone, I’ve gotten braver. This time I was constantly up, walking around and up & down the stairs with a flashlight checking for damage.

Also I was constantly glancing at my watch. All hell was supposed to break loose at 4:00 AM!!! At that very hour, I awoke. Strangely, everything seemed calmer. Perhaps it was the proverbial calm that arrives before a disaster. As I waited, I felt myself drift back to sleep.

When I opened my eyes, it was lighter and quiet. At that second, I heard the electricity come back on. This all seemed too good to be true and surreal. It felt like a miracle! I was actually able to prepare a cooked breakfast and my usual pot of tea. And I didn’t lose one screen on my long back porch! During the previous hurricanes all were shredded.

Upon reaching the Treasure Coast, Matthew lost strength, but still was a serious Cat 3! Fortunately it veered east sparing us the worst. When I see news reels of the destruction and flooding further north, I’m reminded that it could have been catastrophic, here. This time, we escaped by a hairsbreadth!

My house will remain boarded until November when hurricane season is officially over. In the meantime, it feels as if I’m living inside a mountain cavern. It’s dark and gloomy in here. But I’m taking no chances.

Outside, I’m in the process of having major repairs to my home unrelated to Matthew. The hurricane messed-up the scheduling. Right now life is crazy-busy here!!!

FIRST SONGS & YEOWL ALONGS

Recently, I was reading in our local newspaper a statement by E Street Band bassist Gary Tallent. To paraphrase him, our favorite music is usually the type we were first introduced to as a child.

Hmmn, I thought back to the earliest songs I could remember. The ones I heard while sitting in my highchair or banging my plastic cup against the bars of my playpen. One immediately sprang to mind! The song is Blues in the Night; it’s from a 1940’s movie with the same title. Well it sure was having a resurgence in the early 1950’s! Every popular chanteuse of the period and small time vocalist seemed to be singing it on TV. I’ve often wondered if it was this song that turned me asexual.  Lyrics from the song are:

 

“My momma done told me when I was in pigtails, hon

A man is a two-face

He'll sweet talk you and give ya the big eye

But when the sweet talk is done

A man is a two-face

A worrisome thing that will leave you to sing

The blues in the night”

 

This is a cool song, but I never hear it sung anymore!

Another popular one of the period was Sixteen Tons, sung by Tennessee Ernie Ford. This was more of a radio song, also a scary one that gave me chills. Particularly the part where Ernie in his deep, bass-baritone voice sings:

“St. Peter don’t you call me cause I can’t go, I owe my soul to the company store.” followed by the creepy, doo doo DOO doo DOO doo doo DOOOO music!

To my ears, I thought he sang,  “I owe my soul to the company STOVE!”  I envisioned his soul screaming in flames every time they opened the door to cook!

Misunderstanding the words of songs is common. Who can forget the Christmas song about the ancient troll who tied up Carol or The Dawning of the Age of Asparagus in the 1970’s. Funny, the latter one pretty much describes my life these days.

A popular 70’s song was Love Me like a Rock, sung by Paul Simon. This is not about romance, but the love between a mother & son. I used to call it the constipated man song and I’ll bet lots of others did, too.  Because of the line:    “I’m a consummated man!”

Then I would sing chorus:   “Oh he was a maaan! A constipated man!”

Another question that now springs to mind is exactly how do you love a rock??? But then, I remembered that Pet Rocks were a popular fad back then. -- No, I never owned one! However I do have a rock of which I am rather fond. I brought it back from the shores of Lake Linnhe in Scotland back in 1980. I use it as a paper weight; but its also been in the upstairs toilet tank to hold down the flap to prevent leaking. And if anyone breaks in & tries to rob or murder me, I’ll bash their skull in with it, after I blind them with hornet spray. You see it’s a multi-purpose rock! But hey, I’m getting off track here.

Speaking of tracks, in my 20’s I owned a cherished collection of 8 track tapes. These were the big thing back then!

As for vinyl records, I received my first set at age 4 as well as a set of books. Both were from the Disney Company. Walt Disney loomed large in my life! These days I enjoy hearing Colors of the Wind on the radio. But the lyrics:  “You think you own whatever land you land on.”  Sound clunky to me!

I feel the song would be more powerful if it was sung: “You think you own whatever SOIL you land on.”  Anyway, that’s just my opinion!!!

Another song I enjoy that bugs me is The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down! It’s the lyrics:  “All the bells were ringing and the people were singing they went La La Lah, La La Laaah!” --- Well, where did they go??? Was this a marching chorus??? It should be they SANG not WENT!!!  Better yet, leave “they went/sang” off altogether. It’s superfluous!

Yes, yes, yes! It’s easier to spot the flaws of others quicker than your own. I do not dismiss the talent of any of these artists. Perfection is unnecessary. I still remember these songs and they give me joy! That’s really what it’s all about.

 

FOOTNOTE:   I’ve only written one song in my entire life! It’s a punk rock number titled, Dead Mommies in Hell. Maybe I’ll share it on Mother’s Day – unless you bribe me not to!

ME VS THE UNIVERSE

To expatriate was my plan! For years now, I’ve felt nudges, even pushes from the universe shoving me in that direction. Even my tea leaves told me to go!

This has NOT been a good year for me since returning from Thailand last January! I experienced a health scare that was serious enough to force me into altering my lifestyle. And I was hit with large unexpected expenses, not including major repairs to my home with which I’ve yet to deal. Plus there have been fractures in friendships, one ending completely!

Even a psychic who gave me a free reading over the Internet told me to leave as well! -- But I suspect he read my blog to glean info. And now he’s trying to make up my mind for me! Well I’m the decider here, Mister!!! And your sales hook is the same rusty one I’ve been hearing & rejecting from so-called clairvoyants for the last 40 years! That “brief” window of opportunity only YOU can guide me thru has been around for that long! So SCRAM!!!

Whatever I decide, it must be MY decision alone, even if it means going against the universe!

 

On paper, expatriating seemed the best move for me. Perhaps there is no right or wrong choice, here. Whatever I choose may come back to bite me eventually! Or perhaps the universe has my back no matter what I do. Time will tell.

Thailand is out for a long list of reasons. This is why exploratory trips are necessary!

Before my visit, Ecuador sounded like the perfect country to retire. My first thought upon checking in was, “Yikes, they sure over-sold this place!” Still, I told myself it might grow on me.

I would have affordable healthcare, there. I’ll never have that here no matter who is elected. There is too much greed and corruption involved in our current system and too many people in power who want to keep it this way. If I am ever hospitalized, it would ruin me financially! If I can foresee a serious health issue, I can fly to another country for treatment. If not, well….

From a financial standpoint, expatriating seems the wisest move. Sure, it would save me money. However my quality of life would be far less, along with lots more stress & bother. I don’t care to stand in long, crowded lines every month to pay my bills. Or wait 2 weeks or more for a (non-English speaking) repairman should my refrigerator break or my cable is down, or my landline go out every time it rains.

Expats have told me, “It’s a developing country and you just have to go with the flow.” -- Well I’m not a go-with-the-flow personality type!

And speaking of flow, I don’t care to live in any country where you can’t flush toilet paper! (There’s a closed metal basket beside each commode.) I was calling it Ickuador!!! (I still do) And I don’t understand this. Way back in the 1970’s I toured Mexico & Guatemala with my dad & future step-mom. We ventured deep into these countries; everywhere we could flush toilet paper! Otherwise, my father would have had us on the next plane back to the states! He would have been as grossed out as I was!

I’ve considered Mexico, which I loved, but it’s a far more violent place now than it was back in the 1970’s.

As for Ecuador, I’ve decided I don’t want to move anyplace that needs to grow on me, especially at my age. I don’t know how much time I have left on this planet.

The Third World was just TOO Third World for me. I don’t see myself adjusting.

Geez, all I really want is to be retired and enjoy a quiet life. Why is THAT so terrible? (rhetorical question) Isn’t being happy everyone’s true goal! And I’m happy right here!

My days feel sublime. They pass at warp speed despite all my attempts to slow and savor them. My nights of falling asleep in my recliner in front of the TV feel like heaven to me. I’d rather do this than anything else.

However, paradise doesn’t come cheap these days and neither does healthcare! And both are getting more expensive all the time. That’s the fly in the honey!

I’ve decided to remain here in Vero Beach. And I’m doing everything in my power to preserve my health!  But if the worse ever happens and I feel a heart attack or stroke coming on, I’m NOT calling 911! I want to die here where I’m happy, in the house I love.

PARADISE & THE TWO-ROOM SCHOOLHOUSE

During the latter half of the 1950’s my family moved from our small Florida town to an even smaller one just down the coast. This was Hobe Sound which my grandfather called a hamlet.

I fell in love with this place immediately! To reach our new house we drove under a canopy of towering Banyan trees and then turned right onto a secluded floral lane. Our new home (a rental) was located on several acres and overlooked the Intracoastal Waterway.

A history of flooding must have been the case, because the house was built high. You had to walk up a staircase to reach the front door, which was situated on the side showcasing our view of the Intracoastal. In the evenings, I’d sometimes sit on the front steps. Here, I watched as many fireflies as stars in the night sky and the moon appeared especially pretty over the water.

Out back, long steps led down into a courtyard with a low wall as not to obstruct the view. There, we entertained guests.

A small dock rested on our beach and kitty-corner from it was a mangrove island. In low tide, my grandfather & I waded out with a hammer & chisel along with a bucket. We went oystering! It was the first time I’d eaten an oyster and we ate them raw! I love them that way to this day!

Plus the ocean and public beach was in walking distance of our house! This place was perfect.

The expansive lot next door was overgrown and wild. The remnants of a partially built house stood largely concealed by climbing vines and weeds. It reminded me of an ancient ruin. A tragic story was behind it. A newlywed couple was in the process of building while the husband was away fighting in the Korean War. He was killed and construction ceased.

This was my 1^st year of school and I was a transfer student. This being a small community, the schoolhouse consisted of two rooms across the hall from each other.

The FIRST thru THIRD Grade students were in one large room and the FOURTH thru SIXTH were across the hall in the other, with one teacher for each. There was no cafeteria, everyone brought their lunch, but milk for 5 cents was purchased from a cooler at school. We ate our lunch outside on wooden tables in the back of the playground. When it rained, we ate at our individual desks.

My 1^st day was filled with anxiety. When I entered, I was as nervous as if I had a gun trained on me! Everyone stared as if I was naked with 3 navels, goiters growing from my armpits and foot-long hair sprouting from my loins. Apparently they didn’t see a lot of strangers here!!!

The teacher was a young attractive woman. She spoke TO me, rather than down AT me like my previous one. After the lunch bell rang, the class rushed out into the playground. All the kids from First Grade and even a few from Second and Third came over and introduced themselves. This small school was a welcoming one, plus I was a curiosity. Suddenly, I had plenty of instant friends! This was something new and unfamiliar to me!

To my delight, several of these kids lived close enough that we could walk or bike to each other’s homes. Again, this place was perfect. I never wanted to leave!!! But my time here was all too brief.

Right after the school year ended, my mother & I took a plane to visit relatives up in Detroit. (This was years before it became Murder Capitol of the Country!) After we returned, Dad announced that he had landed a fabulous job back in the town we had left. Sadly, we would be moving back.

I’d be returning to that school just up the coast, the one I hated and never wanted to see again!

But, as fate would have it, I did see many of THESE kids, again! Later, at Junior High level they were bused north to school in my municipality since we were in the same county.

However my Seventh Grade year was spent in West Palm Beach at the “special” school. When I returned for Eighth Grade, I was ecstatic to see them there! Several, I approached with a big, “Hey, do you remember me from First Grade?”

Unfortunately, this time I was up against teenage attitude and cliques which were prevalent at this school. They were polite, but at the same time distant and dismissive. It was clear we weren’t going to be picking up where we left off in Grade One.

When I was in High School, my brother wed the cousin of my First Grade teacher. This marriage did not last and is mostly forgotten by us both. Its notable how someone can be alive and dead to you at the same time, also how content you are to keep it that way. Yet, other more distant memories remain alive and vivid.

The old two-room schoolhouse of which I have such fond memories eventually became an abandoned and neglected building as well as another victim of our sleazed-down society. A murder was committed there which was drug related.

This tiny piece of paradise is now lost to the past, but it makes the memory more precious and one I cherish.

BAD COMBOS & WORSE COUPLINGS

Remember when the tabloids were combining the names of celebrity couples? I sure hope that silly trend is over! Who can forget BENNIFER! It sounded like a species of extinct prehistoric plant. First, it was Ben Affleck & Jenifer Lopez, then Ben & Jennifer Garner. Ben must really love that moniker!

Just as goofy is BRANGELINA, the name given to Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie. That one always sounded like a breakfast cereal to me. I envision a commercial with an apron clad mother saying to her son, “Tommy, I know you love Rice Krispies, but Grandpa is having trouble pooping and is cranky. So I bought this box of Brangelina today.”… Next scene, Grandpa  & Tommy are seated together with Mommy standing over them, everyone is smiling. “Brangelina is our new favorite cereal!” Mom announces with pride! Gramps & Tommy raise their spoons high in the air before digging in.

Occasionally, I still hear Brad & Angie referred to as that. I think they are married, now. (Maybe even divorced!) Anyway, this couple has always the Pitts as far as I was concerned.

Sometimes, but rarely, these combos actually work! For example, there’s my friend Rose and husband Brian. I call them BROSE, which sounds rather cool, I think. But then, they’re a cool couple to start!

This got me to thinking about some of the guys I’ve dated in the past. A few aren’t worth remembering or mentioning. Still, I arrived at only goofy sounding combos with Dianne.  See below:

Frank:  DIANK -  sounds like someone gagging into a sink!

Bob:  DIOB -  an acronym for Dangerous Idiots Overseeing Biotechnology

Stan:  STAINNE -  a seedy town on the Danube where unknown artists of questionable talent loiter

Jay:  JADIA-  a menacing Hindu deity with long claws, fangs, & facial hair

Charles:  CHARDI-  a small Third World nation where roasted beetles & fried maggots are considered a delicacy

David:  DAVDI - an exotic dancer from Chardi

Remember I’m asexual and haven’t dated a whole lot!  And boyfriends are over-rated!

Now suspend belief and imagine 25 year old me in my time machine. Picture that steely look of determination on my face as I’m traveling thru time and space. I am stepping back into the mid-1940’s into the Golden Age of Hollywood. And I am dating the stars!!!

Errol Flynn & I are DIARROL! Ewwww, that sounds like an antibiotic for a nasty communicable disease!

But then there’s Clark Gable! Together we are DIARK! Geez, this one sounds like a Slavic person with a speech impediment trying to enunciate the word dark.  Example: “Don’t go ut in diark, vumpares vill  gut you!”

And let’s not forget Alan Ladd, We’re DIALAN! --  What? Isn’t that a drug store product for acid reflux?

Ok, let’s travel a wee bit further back!

Teddy Roosevelt, I’ve always found interesting! And we are TEDIANNE! This one sounds like the name of a snooty Bolshoi ballerina with high pinched cheekbones! I picture her spitting at the audience as she twirls.

Now I’m going far back into the Middle Ages. Here, I am being courted by Henry VIII. – And get this! We would be DIARY! Hey, I used to write in one of those as a teenager! As usual, I depart with my head and everything else intact.

Wow, I’m moving up in the world the farther back I go!!! (Remember, I’m an enchantress with a time machine.) King Arthur and I have a serious flirtation erupting. And Guinevere may not become the Queen after all. Feathers are ruffled and Camelot is aflutter because of the shenanigans between DIATHUR! Yikes, that sounds like a villain in an ancient Greek tragedy. However I won’t be the villain here, I’m moving on.

Now I’m zooming way, way back in history to ancient Rome. Oh, this toga feels sooo comfortable! And my slaves from Britannia are hand-feeding me figs & grapes. Julius Ceasar & I have found one another. Together, we are JULIANNE.  Folks, I think we have a winner!!!

FOOTNOTE:   Cleopatra is dead. I slit her throat last week!