EGAD, MY PARTS ARE COMING APART

Here's a quiz. What was the major cause of death in the Old West? I'll give you a hint. It wasn't bullets or arrows! The answer is DENTAL INFECTION. -- I learned this from a quiz show some 40 years ago and never forgot. Anyway, hold that thought.

The Saturday night before last seemed a typical one. I was up later than usual watching a movie. After turning off the TV, in darkness I hurried toward the kitchen to get a glass of water before bed. Suddenly I found myself on the floor screaming and yowling into the carpet. -- I forgot the sofa was there! My pinkie-toe was either sprained or broken.

I turned on the light and bandaged my bleeding toenail. I'll probably lose it. But I've lost toenails before.

The following day, the toe and area below was purple & black. And my entire left foot was discolored, swollen, and significantly larger than the right. I looked somewhat like the human version of a fiddler crab. All day Sunday I limped in misery.

Monday, I called the sliding-scale clinic. Even with my po-folk discount I would be out at least $200.

Plus I strongly suspect I have a cracked root! (The pain is in my gums & jaw rather than the tooth.) If so, I'll need either a bridge or an implant neither of which is cheap. I'm going to need my money for this and I've been putting it off!

DON'T TELL ME TO GET A JOB UNLESS YOU ARE OFFERING ME ONE!!!

Anyway, I got off the phone and started Googling how to tell the difference between a broken and sprained toe. Guess what, I'm still confused and don't know! However, a sprain will heal itself. A friend then informed me that she is living with several broken toes and not to worry. And she is extremely physically active!

Another friend told me, "You haven't seen anything yet, just wait until you get into your 70's! (I'm only 2 doors away!) Geez, I have an old house and an old body, both are constantly breaking down.

Suddenly I thought of actress Natalie Wood. As a child she injured her wrist while filming a movie. Her mother refused to get treatment for fear her daughter would be recast. As an adult Natalie always wore a bracelet on one hand to hide her disjointed wrist. If Natalie Wood could live with something like that, then I could live with a busted pinkie toe!

Tuesday, I could actually climb up and down my stairs without screaming in agony. So I knew I must be healing despite the bruise & swelling. And thank goodness it wasn't my driving foot! I was able to grocery shop later in the week.

I still can't wear a normal shoe. But I can wear flip-flops or sandals with the V-design. Thankfully its summer and this is Florida. I can continue doing this until the weather cools, which probably won't be until December.

And another thing, the Sunday when I was in the most pain I read in the Dear Abby column an exercise for seniors to strengthen their core. While flat on your back, rise to your feet without using your hands. Naturally I had to do it right there and then! And I did this easily in a second and with a bum foot, too! So I can't be in all that bad shape for my age! Also when I look hard into the mirror I still see the face and body of someone much younger than 68.   

Enough said!

FLUSTERED, FRUSTRATED, FLUMMOXED, & ANGRY

If you know me at all, then you realize that I'm a cavewoman when it comes to technology! And I mean a Cro-Magnon NOT a Neanderthal, although I have been known to grunt when I eat.

So far this year, I've lost my ATT bundle 3 different times!!! I mean NO PHONE, TV, or INTERNET!!! The 1st occurred earlier in the year and affected everyone in the neighborhood. The last 2 happened only to me; during the middle of May and early June.

Since I have only a landline and no cellphone this really left me in a pickle. I had no way of contacting ATT to report it.

Back in May, I walked over to my friend Marie's house. She & her husband Ed are snowbirds. They were preparing to leave for the north the very next day. Marie walked back to my house with me & we called ATT from her cellphone. They insisted I had a bad modem. The best appointment they could schedule was in 2 days. Ugh!

In the meantime, Ed followed us over. He told me, "ATT is bullshitting you! There is nothing wrong with your modem. The problem has to be somewhere outside."

I thanked them and wished them a safe trip. My next 2 days were nothing short of miserable!!!

Two days later when I saw the ATT truck pull up I was ready to throw confetti and celebrate. Ed was right. I was informed the problem was in the box at the entrance of the subdivision. Yet I was the only one who lost their connection.

My ATT bill arrived and I nearly had a stroke! I had an existing arrangement with them that wasn't supposed to expire until the end of June. They disagreed! I have been with ATT for 10 years now and was turned over to something called "The Loyalty Group". I was assured by someone named Victor that my bill would return to the previous rate for another year.

When my next bill arrived it was $25 higher! Naturally I complained!

This time, I got some woman in Texas who couldn't connect me to Victor, but said she'd look into it. I was informed that my bundle price didn't rise, only the taxes did. -- Victor neglected to inform me of this and it's hardly a minor detail!

However, my bill should have been $5 cheaper, she said. I complained about my 2 miserable days without service and demanded to be compensated for it. She agreed to take $11 off for this. I asked for an email confirmation. I've yet to receive one! However I did check my credit card statement and the deduction was there.

Now we come to June 1. Again, I lost EVERYTHING at 9:45 that evening!!!

The next morning shortly after 11:00 AM, I drove a couple blocks around the corner to my friend Irene's house. Irene is elderly, hard of hearing, and likes to sleep late. I walked around the back of her place, waved and called out with no response.

As I walked back to the front a neighbor walking his dog came by and inquired who I was. After I explained, he banged on Irene's door with no response. He was kind enough to let me use his cellphone to call my friend Rose who agreed to meet me back at my house.

Thanks to Rose, I got hold of ATT. I wanted the earliest possible appointment! Even if it was 4:00 AM I'd set my alarm clock!

Around 11:30 AM the following day a repairman arrived. I asked if ATT was deliberately trying to lose me as a customer.

"I don't know, maybe," he replied.

That was the wrong answer as well as a stupid one. And you can be sure I won't forget it!

This time, I was told the problem was with the device in the woods out back. Well knock-on-wood, let's hope this doesn't happen again anytime soon!

I know I'm probably the only person on the planet who doesn't own a cellphone. However the reception in this neighborhood is bad. Also I have no family, and my friends all contact me via email. Plus all these emergencies shouldn't be happening this often!

Yesterday, after returning from grocery shopping, I found a Comcast/Infinity card on my front door. I left them 10 years ago for ATT Uverse. This was done for valid reasons, in fact a long list of them! Perhaps they've improved in the last decade, or perhaps not. I'm shopping around, we'll see!

For sure, I don't want any damn satellite attached to my house! Too many friends who have one complain the picture goes out every time it rains or the wind kicks up. And Florida summers tend to be stormy. Not to mention we are now into hurricane season.

THE SUMMER OF 59

Now, it's time for some wonderful memories! To this date, the summer of 1959 remains my most vivid and memorable one ever! We were still living on those paradisiacal 100 acres. The place with the lake in front and several small ponds scattered in the back. Among other things, I owned a horse, an Easy Bake Oven, and 2 Barbies. She was the only doll worth having, and one of mine came with 3 interchangeable heads: a blonde, brunette, & redhead all with different hairstyles! Don't let anyone ever tell you that things don't make a person happy!

The previous summer, my mother & I had flown to Detroit to visit relatives. This summer, the entire family; my parents, grandfather, my 19 yr old brother, & I packed into my father's big new powder-blue Chrysler Imperial. This car had high fins in the back and a horn loud enough to make the dead jump out of their graves. To this day, it remains the most gorgeous automobile I've ever seen. Cars all became ugly once they did away with the fins, at least to my eyes.

We took the scenic route enjoying all the roadside attractions along the way. Seeing and driving over mountains for the first time was a tremendous thrill to me! Florida tends to be flat, unlike my Aunt Kiki.

She was my mother's youngest sister and a former model. And Kiki could still turn heads in her blonde beehive! We would be staying with her and Uncle Ron. He was the fun uncle and my favorite with his quick wit and sharp sense of humor. We would be staying at their home.

They owned a big 2-story house with an attic and a sprawling basement. I had never seen a basement before. They are nonexistent in the state of Florida. And this basement was breathtaking! It was a combination office and recreation room.

The entire upstairs was ours for the duration of our stay. It felt like our own private suite.

Aunt Kiki had just purchased a brand new convertible. I couldn't wait to go for a ride with the top down. Kiki mentioned she had been out driving the day before while wearing an off the shoulders dress. Someone at a stoplight yelled to her that she looked as if she was driving naked!

I told her to wear it again for our ride. I was so excited; this was a new experience! Unfortunately, the sun was so brutal that day it was unpleasant and we had to cut the ride short. However there were plenty more new experiences ahead for me!

We spent a day across the border in Canada. Back then, no passport or visa was required. To get there, we had to travel thru a lengthy underwater tunnel. This felt scary, but also rather thrilling! I expected to find something tantamount to another planet when we emerged on the other side.

However Ontario was similar to what we had left behind, only less congested. But I still found it interesting. I wanted a souvenir to bring back. My parents bought me a small carved wooden donkey.

When we returned to Detroit I took it out of the bag. On the bottom was stamped: Made in Japan!

My father took me and a second cousin to the zoo. In this one, the exotic animals had plenty of space to roam free. We admired them while riding in an open train.

We also went swimming in Lake St. Clair. It was icy, nothing at all like the warm waters of the Atlantic or our much smaller lake back home. I couldn't move! My cousin had to pull me around by the back of my bathing suit. It was so cold I couldn't even kick my feet and this was late July, too!

On the drive back to Florida we took a different direction to see more states and different roadside attractions. We made sure to stop in Washington D.C. our nation's capitol. Most memorable of all was the Smithsonian Museum. It was like a carnival for the mind! I toured it wide eyed with wonder and awe. I was most impressed with its prehistoric exhibits and enormous dinosaur skeletons.

Our trip had been one for the ages! Yet, it felt sublime to come home. Little did I know that in just months we'd be leaving. A week before Thanksgiving we moved to our new place on the St.Lucie River, my mother's dream house, the one that never felt like home.