My group therapy sessions were now going along especially well. I was in with a group of women I call my sisters-in-spirit. An overwhelming majority of us were raised by abusive, controlling parents with Hyde & Jekyll personalities. We all related and no one was judging.
Our therapist Marcia, told us many people were simply unable to comprehend a group like ours. In other words, most of society! Here, I was finally among people with whom I felt completely comfortable. We all sat around a long U-shaped table. The therapist's chair was in the open space.
Marcia placed a large box of Kleenex on the table to be passed around when needed. We were there to support each other emotionally. Marcia criticized me because I never cried.
"I want to see you cry, Dianne!" were words she often repeated.
By this point in my life, I felt all cried out! Anger had taken over, I oozed venom; all directed toward my parents & step-mother. Plus I felt a great deal of self-loathing for not finding a way to escape them. They just all died off.
Marcia drew a crude sketch of me on the blackboard, shackles around my ankles tied to gravestones. She said I needed to grow wings. -- They would have been useless! I really needed a pair of bionic legs!
Once, as homework, I was given a writing assignment to imagine my ideal birthday with my mother. -- My birthday was NEVER acknowledged when I was a small child. (I wrote of this in a previous blog.) I could not even begin to imagine my mom in this role. Instead, I imagined one of the ladies in therapy as my mother. I wrote from this perspective.
The class delighted in my story! Marcia began giving me other writing assignments to vent. To my surprise, the group greatly enjoyed them all. But then, I was a graduate of several creative writing courses. I admitted that I was a failed writer. However, the reaction of the group gave me new hope to return doing what I loved.
I seldom received positive reinforcement for anything before. My mom and step-mother considered it babying. Marcia said it wasn't babying, it's a basic need. -- One of the ladies pointed out how both women had shamelessly babied my dad!
Here, I was finally forced to face my father's psychological abuse as well. Something of which I had long been in denial. Previous therapists tried to touch on this, but I fought it! I made it clear I wasn't going to criticize my dad. In my mind, he had been the good parent.
But he grew more and more ugly to me in words and actions as time passed, escalating in his senior years. I figured it was just part of the aging process. Marcia explained that most people manage to grow old without becoming mean and abusive.
My eyes were opened as to how I was undermined in subtle and not so subtle ways. If you truly care about someone, you do not methodically destroy all their sense of confidence and self-worth in order to control them. Everything I learned in therapy was highly illuminating.
I decided to return to my writing. Something my father always called, "a fantasy!" I now had the green light from the universe. And I would use my dad's money to make my fantasy a reality! It didn't matter if I never became a best-selling author. It was what I enjoyed, as well as therapy.
Friday, November 30, 2012
HAPPY TOFURKEY DAY
DELAYED DUE TO COMPUTER ISSUES!
This Thanksgiving, I was invited to join friends for dinner at a restaurant over on the beach. However, I had already bought and planned my holiday meal. And I can't count on my old garage freezer to last much longer.
Last year, the day before, an elderly man in one of those motorized scooters tried to pick me up at Walmart. I was scanning the frozen food section for side dishes when he drove by. He stopped to tell me that I was very pretty. I thanked him and we started to talk. He invited me to have Thanksgiving dinner with him in his home, just the 2 of us. I politely refused. That day I happened to be wearing one of my French berets with the nipple on top. -- Those seem to really excite men of a certain generation!
Any holiday alone is a great one. I've had too many previous ones ruined by other peoples' antics and drama. Now they are custom-tailored just for me. So I'm getting out my elegant lace tablecloth and fancy dishes. I'm moving to the big formal table under the chandelier. Also I will light my pumpkin-spice & vanilla scented candles.
I decided I am finally going to cook a Tofurkey. I'm what you call a semi-vegetarian. I won't eat anything with fur, or anything considered mammal for moral and ethical reasons. I'd feel like a cannibal! I do however eat fish & fowl. Truthfully, I hate most vegetables. A platter of salad is tantamount to lawn clippings as far as I'm concerned. But I've been eager and excited for the Tofurkey experience, a more humane choice. It comes stuffed with brown rice & whole wheat bread cubes, vegetarian gravy is included.
Preparing this thing sounds almost as big a pain as cooking an actual turkey. It needs defrosting the night before and takes 1 entire hour & 30 minutes to cook. (When I'm hungry I want my meal in 6 min. or less!) It bakes in a casserole dish along with other vegetables. I'm adding small potatoes & mushrooms. I've also got a squash souffle I can cook in the microwave. For dessert, I'm having a cranberry scone. There will be enough food for about 3 meals. I can freeze the rest for later.
Last year, after my feast, I watched the 1975 film BARRY LYNDON. It was over 3 hrs. long! In 1976 I was touring Ireland. Our guide pointed out spots where scenes from the movie had been shot. I planned to see it after I returned home. I never imagined it would take me 35 years! So finally seeing this film felt kind of special.
Occasionally, I do watch something besides flesh-eating zombies & psycho killer clowns.
This Thanksgiving, I plan to watch the 3 hr. long 1960 movie LA DOLCE VITA (The Sweet Life) I've always loved the title. It's taking me 52 yrs. to get around to viewing this one. I was 9 when the movie was released. Only 1 week before Thanksgiving 1959 my family moved to our new home on the river. My life there was hardly sweet.
Now that I am alone, I revel in the holidays! Each and every one, I savor as precious.
This Thanksgiving, I was invited to join friends for dinner at a restaurant over on the beach. However, I had already bought and planned my holiday meal. And I can't count on my old garage freezer to last much longer.
Last year, the day before, an elderly man in one of those motorized scooters tried to pick me up at Walmart. I was scanning the frozen food section for side dishes when he drove by. He stopped to tell me that I was very pretty. I thanked him and we started to talk. He invited me to have Thanksgiving dinner with him in his home, just the 2 of us. I politely refused. That day I happened to be wearing one of my French berets with the nipple on top. -- Those seem to really excite men of a certain generation!
Any holiday alone is a great one. I've had too many previous ones ruined by other peoples' antics and drama. Now they are custom-tailored just for me. So I'm getting out my elegant lace tablecloth and fancy dishes. I'm moving to the big formal table under the chandelier. Also I will light my pumpkin-spice & vanilla scented candles.
I decided I am finally going to cook a Tofurkey. I'm what you call a semi-vegetarian. I won't eat anything with fur, or anything considered mammal for moral and ethical reasons. I'd feel like a cannibal! I do however eat fish & fowl. Truthfully, I hate most vegetables. A platter of salad is tantamount to lawn clippings as far as I'm concerned. But I've been eager and excited for the Tofurkey experience, a more humane choice. It comes stuffed with brown rice & whole wheat bread cubes, vegetarian gravy is included.
Preparing this thing sounds almost as big a pain as cooking an actual turkey. It needs defrosting the night before and takes 1 entire hour & 30 minutes to cook. (When I'm hungry I want my meal in 6 min. or less!) It bakes in a casserole dish along with other vegetables. I'm adding small potatoes & mushrooms. I've also got a squash souffle I can cook in the microwave. For dessert, I'm having a cranberry scone. There will be enough food for about 3 meals. I can freeze the rest for later.
Last year, after my feast, I watched the 1975 film BARRY LYNDON. It was over 3 hrs. long! In 1976 I was touring Ireland. Our guide pointed out spots where scenes from the movie had been shot. I planned to see it after I returned home. I never imagined it would take me 35 years! So finally seeing this film felt kind of special.
Occasionally, I do watch something besides flesh-eating zombies & psycho killer clowns.
This Thanksgiving, I plan to watch the 3 hr. long 1960 movie LA DOLCE VITA (The Sweet Life) I've always loved the title. It's taking me 52 yrs. to get around to viewing this one. I was 9 when the movie was released. Only 1 week before Thanksgiving 1959 my family moved to our new home on the river. My life there was hardly sweet.
Now that I am alone, I revel in the holidays! Each and every one, I savor as precious.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
STRESS, ANXIETY, DEPRESSION 101
I had just endured 2 serious hurricanes and their aftermath, lost a staggering amount of money in investments, plus I was literally being haunted by a ghost. I was freaking out and didn't know where to turn for help.
Then I read in the newspaper that the Mental Health Association was starting a free therapy group for stress, anxiety, & depression. Since I suffered from all 3, I phoned to register.
I was the first to arrive. The therapist was a divorced, middle-aged mother I'll call, "Marcia". I explained that I was uncomfortable speaking in public. Then I watched as 20 people came; 2 men, 18 women. The room was small and crowded. Marcia made me speak FIRST! -- I've always wondered if that was strategic & Marcia hoped I'd never return! -- I'll never forget the way she stared when she first saw me. Anyway I was brief, as were many.
Then, oh my God, we came to the man in the middle! He began spilling his entire life story starting with intimate details of his childhood right through his recent messy divorce. (I wondered if he thought this was private therapy!) Soon we only had 10 minutes left and half the group had yet to speak.
I kept looking up at the clock and over at the therapist trying to drop hints. I kept expecting her to say, " Wrap this up buster, we're running out of time!"
"Oh how wonderful you're able to open up and share like that!" she enthused. -- After the guy had wasted over 45 minutes of the hour, leaving many unable to speak.
The following session, we were split into 2 groups meeting on different days. Each group had one man. And wouldn't you know mine would end up with the drama king! It soon became clear that he was the therapist's favorite. Often, she would remark how he added a special energy to the class, even going so far as to refer to him as "The Crown Jewel" of the group. Obviously, she was smitten.
The drama guy was far from handsome. In fact, he bore a striking resemblance to Dilbert's boss in the funny papers. However, he did own a high end business, which can make a homely man a whole lot more attractive. Marcia was a good therapist once you got her attention away from this guy.
Also in the group was a recent widow, "Grace," who was extremely attractive. Soon she and the drama king began to date.
We were given a text to study with homework assignments. Marcia said the group would shrink as the weeks passed. This was true, Grace disappeared, but the man remained.
As we discussed our written lessons individually, others were allowed to interject and share. To my constant irritation, the crown jewel kept commandeering everyone else's time with his sharing. He always turned everything around and made it all about himself, to the applause of our therapist.
I was the only woman there who stopped him in his tracks and returned the conversation to me. In fact, I even stepped in and usurped some of his time. Needless to say, he didn't like me and I was constantly shot dirty looks by this guy.
After 12 weeks this particular class came to its end. I registered for the next. To my surprise and delight, the same group returned, minus the reigning crown jewel.
Several years later, I was a guest of my friend Irene at one of her Military Ladies Luncheons. Across the room I recognized another guest, Grace from therapy. I asked her why she stopped attending.
"It was the therapist," she stated. "Marcia phoned and told me not to come anymore, she didn't want to council a courting couple. Plus she felt HE was too fragile to be in a relationship right now."
"Marcia probably had designs on him herself. I've always had my suspicions about this," I admitted.
"I got that vibe, too," Grace replied. She went on to say the relationship had been over for some time.
I told her she deserved better. Had I been the guy's wife I would have left him, too!
Without the drama king, the class had an entirely different, more positive, and healing atmosphere. Plus Marcia now came across as a more professional therapist.
Then I read in the newspaper that the Mental Health Association was starting a free therapy group for stress, anxiety, & depression. Since I suffered from all 3, I phoned to register.
I was the first to arrive. The therapist was a divorced, middle-aged mother I'll call, "Marcia". I explained that I was uncomfortable speaking in public. Then I watched as 20 people came; 2 men, 18 women. The room was small and crowded. Marcia made me speak FIRST! -- I've always wondered if that was strategic & Marcia hoped I'd never return! -- I'll never forget the way she stared when she first saw me. Anyway I was brief, as were many.
Then, oh my God, we came to the man in the middle! He began spilling his entire life story starting with intimate details of his childhood right through his recent messy divorce. (I wondered if he thought this was private therapy!) Soon we only had 10 minutes left and half the group had yet to speak.
I kept looking up at the clock and over at the therapist trying to drop hints. I kept expecting her to say, " Wrap this up buster, we're running out of time!"
"Oh how wonderful you're able to open up and share like that!" she enthused. -- After the guy had wasted over 45 minutes of the hour, leaving many unable to speak.
The following session, we were split into 2 groups meeting on different days. Each group had one man. And wouldn't you know mine would end up with the drama king! It soon became clear that he was the therapist's favorite. Often, she would remark how he added a special energy to the class, even going so far as to refer to him as "The Crown Jewel" of the group. Obviously, she was smitten.
The drama guy was far from handsome. In fact, he bore a striking resemblance to Dilbert's boss in the funny papers. However, he did own a high end business, which can make a homely man a whole lot more attractive. Marcia was a good therapist once you got her attention away from this guy.
Also in the group was a recent widow, "Grace," who was extremely attractive. Soon she and the drama king began to date.
We were given a text to study with homework assignments. Marcia said the group would shrink as the weeks passed. This was true, Grace disappeared, but the man remained.
As we discussed our written lessons individually, others were allowed to interject and share. To my constant irritation, the crown jewel kept commandeering everyone else's time with his sharing. He always turned everything around and made it all about himself, to the applause of our therapist.
I was the only woman there who stopped him in his tracks and returned the conversation to me. In fact, I even stepped in and usurped some of his time. Needless to say, he didn't like me and I was constantly shot dirty looks by this guy.
After 12 weeks this particular class came to its end. I registered for the next. To my surprise and delight, the same group returned, minus the reigning crown jewel.
Several years later, I was a guest of my friend Irene at one of her Military Ladies Luncheons. Across the room I recognized another guest, Grace from therapy. I asked her why she stopped attending.
"It was the therapist," she stated. "Marcia phoned and told me not to come anymore, she didn't want to council a courting couple. Plus she felt HE was too fragile to be in a relationship right now."
"Marcia probably had designs on him herself. I've always had my suspicions about this," I admitted.
"I got that vibe, too," Grace replied. She went on to say the relationship had been over for some time.
I told her she deserved better. Had I been the guy's wife I would have left him, too!
Without the drama king, the class had an entirely different, more positive, and healing atmosphere. Plus Marcia now came across as a more professional therapist.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
VOTE FOR THE SMALLEST PIECE OF EXCREMENT
Back when I was much younger, I knew those who couldn't wait to turn 21 so they could walk into a bar and buy a legal drink. I've never understood the appeal of alcohol! Geez, nerd that I am, I was far more excited about casting my first vote!
I wanted to register as an Independent, but my father cautioned that it would lock me out of the primaries and they were too important to dismiss. He said it would be wise to choose a party, it didn't mean I had to vote their way.
My father was not the type to get passionate about any party or candidate. He swore there were no good guys in politics. Just the very nature of it attracts the wrong sort of people. They were all beholden to special interests rather than the public. I am inclined to agree! He used to tell me that you should always vote AGAINST people and never for them.
For some reason, I had always liked Nixon. Perhaps because his birthday fell the day after mine. Plus he had that avuncular quality. Yes, I know it's shallow. But remember I was just 21. Anyway, that's how I became a R.I.N.O. (Republican In Name Only) and I am one to this day.
Now I take voting far more seriously. I do it by absentee ballot, along with lots of research. I want to see things change. Thank goodness we don't live in 1776 anymore!
In the past, it was not unusual for me to vote Libertarian or Green. I was a big supporter of Ross Perot and Ralph Nader. On rare occasions I've even voted for a Republican president. My vote went to Ronald Reagan in 1980, only to lose my C.E.T.A. job shorty after. Thanks to Reagan, it was denied funding. I was left unemployed for a long period. I always seemed to get screwed one way or another when a Republican gets into office.
Yet, I really wanted John McCain to get the nomination back in 2000. I was ready to vomit when George Bush got it instead. I will never understand how that jerk was able to get into office once, much less a second term. The idiot destroyed our economy! And don't forget all the lives and limbs cost with his trumped-up war in Iraq, a personal vendetta to avenge his daddy! Of course Cheney had more nefarious reasons. Both of them should be spat upon in the streets!
2008 I felt John McCain was by now too old for the job. With his hot temper, I worried he'd have a heart attack and die in office, or get us into another war. Plus he admitted he had no head for economics which happened to be our no. 1 problem. Good grief!
At first glance, I thought Barrack Obama was too far left.
I mentioned to my Russian seamstress that I didn't care for either candidate. She replied, "My mother always told me that when you're given a choice between 2 pieces of (expletive deleted) you always choose the smaller one." -- My father & her mother thought much alike!
I had been leaning toward Obama. Then McCain chose that woefully unqualified woman as his running-mate. I was convinced he'd gone senile! Goofy from Disneyland would have been a better choice. That pushed me into the Obama camp.
The more research I did on Obama, the more I was impressed. Plus I think America should hang its head in shame because we don't have affordable health care for all our citizens. I whole-heartily support Obama care. This is a wonderful thing! We are evolving as a society.
Now we have the Tea Party (urp!) whose motto should be, BACKWARD! They seem to be the controlling force in the Republican party, along with the big corporations and Grover Norquist. The fact that any politician would sign a loyalty pledge to this individual against the best interests of the citizens of this country should be a big red flag that they are no good!
I live in a predominately Republican area where the Tea Party is highly popular. The opinion section of the local newspaper is constantly filled with raving, frothing, hate-mongering letters damning Obama.
Only a few months after his election, numerous letters appeared reviling him for not getting our economy back on track. Do these nitwits think the man is a sorcerer with God-like powers? -- Oh I forgot, they actually do! Since many believe he's the Antichrist. Geez, what can you expect from religious cuckoos and others who actually think FOX has fair and balanced news.
It is ironic that I am registered with the party for which I have the least amount of respect. Fortunately, as a R.I.N.O. I can sabotage the Republicans from within. My votes are always strategic.
I love the fact our president has Donald Trump running scared and quaking under his silly-looking hair. There must be a reason he's so desperate. This man should be investigated!
Barrack Obama is the true epitome of the American success story. He's the poor boy who worked hard and grew up to be the president. Unlike Mitt Romney who is just another grown-up little rich boy. He is clueless as to how the average person lives.
I've already mailed in my absentee ballot. Just like that other evil socialist Betty White, I voted for Obama!
I wanted to register as an Independent, but my father cautioned that it would lock me out of the primaries and they were too important to dismiss. He said it would be wise to choose a party, it didn't mean I had to vote their way.
My father was not the type to get passionate about any party or candidate. He swore there were no good guys in politics. Just the very nature of it attracts the wrong sort of people. They were all beholden to special interests rather than the public. I am inclined to agree! He used to tell me that you should always vote AGAINST people and never for them.
For some reason, I had always liked Nixon. Perhaps because his birthday fell the day after mine. Plus he had that avuncular quality. Yes, I know it's shallow. But remember I was just 21. Anyway, that's how I became a R.I.N.O. (Republican In Name Only) and I am one to this day.
Now I take voting far more seriously. I do it by absentee ballot, along with lots of research. I want to see things change. Thank goodness we don't live in 1776 anymore!
In the past, it was not unusual for me to vote Libertarian or Green. I was a big supporter of Ross Perot and Ralph Nader. On rare occasions I've even voted for a Republican president. My vote went to Ronald Reagan in 1980, only to lose my C.E.T.A. job shorty after. Thanks to Reagan, it was denied funding. I was left unemployed for a long period. I always seemed to get screwed one way or another when a Republican gets into office.
Yet, I really wanted John McCain to get the nomination back in 2000. I was ready to vomit when George Bush got it instead. I will never understand how that jerk was able to get into office once, much less a second term. The idiot destroyed our economy! And don't forget all the lives and limbs cost with his trumped-up war in Iraq, a personal vendetta to avenge his daddy! Of course Cheney had more nefarious reasons. Both of them should be spat upon in the streets!
2008 I felt John McCain was by now too old for the job. With his hot temper, I worried he'd have a heart attack and die in office, or get us into another war. Plus he admitted he had no head for economics which happened to be our no. 1 problem. Good grief!
At first glance, I thought Barrack Obama was too far left.
I mentioned to my Russian seamstress that I didn't care for either candidate. She replied, "My mother always told me that when you're given a choice between 2 pieces of (expletive deleted) you always choose the smaller one." -- My father & her mother thought much alike!
I had been leaning toward Obama. Then McCain chose that woefully unqualified woman as his running-mate. I was convinced he'd gone senile! Goofy from Disneyland would have been a better choice. That pushed me into the Obama camp.
The more research I did on Obama, the more I was impressed. Plus I think America should hang its head in shame because we don't have affordable health care for all our citizens. I whole-heartily support Obama care. This is a wonderful thing! We are evolving as a society.
Now we have the Tea Party (urp!) whose motto should be, BACKWARD! They seem to be the controlling force in the Republican party, along with the big corporations and Grover Norquist. The fact that any politician would sign a loyalty pledge to this individual against the best interests of the citizens of this country should be a big red flag that they are no good!
I live in a predominately Republican area where the Tea Party is highly popular. The opinion section of the local newspaper is constantly filled with raving, frothing, hate-mongering letters damning Obama.
Only a few months after his election, numerous letters appeared reviling him for not getting our economy back on track. Do these nitwits think the man is a sorcerer with God-like powers? -- Oh I forgot, they actually do! Since many believe he's the Antichrist. Geez, what can you expect from religious cuckoos and others who actually think FOX has fair and balanced news.
It is ironic that I am registered with the party for which I have the least amount of respect. Fortunately, as a R.I.N.O. I can sabotage the Republicans from within. My votes are always strategic.
I love the fact our president has Donald Trump running scared and quaking under his silly-looking hair. There must be a reason he's so desperate. This man should be investigated!
Barrack Obama is the true epitome of the American success story. He's the poor boy who worked hard and grew up to be the president. Unlike Mitt Romney who is just another grown-up little rich boy. He is clueless as to how the average person lives.
I've already mailed in my absentee ballot. Just like that other evil socialist Betty White, I voted for Obama!
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