STUFF THE BERET, I WANT THE BUFFET

I will be the first to admit that I'm a seriously uncool person by society's standards. For one thing, I have never followed popular music. Unless the electricity is out for more than 6 hours, or its Christmas, I never listen to the radio except in my car. I prefer quiet inside my home.

Lately, whenever I go anywhere, anytime, the 1980's song by Prince, Raspberry Beret always seems to be playing on my car radio. It's a happy upbeat tune so I don't turn down the volume as I do many others. Frankly, the oldies station is just too current for my taste.

I love folk songs! Almost everything else sounds like noise to me. And by folk songs, I mean those from centuries past before they were mutated into that hideous country whine & twang by the Appalachian hillbillies.  

As to the song Raspberry Beret, I can only make out a few of the lyrics. For a long while, I thought Prince was singing Raspberry Buffet!!! Which is another reason I enjoyed it, this conjured up wondrous toothsome images of raspberry cake, raspberry torte, raspberry truffle, raspberry scones, raspberry turnovers, raspberry cupcakes, raspberry muffins, raspberry parfaits, raspberry mousse, raspberry cookies, raspberry ice cream; a glorious buffet of all things raspberry!!! All of it washed down with tangy raspberry tea! Not to mention raspberry combined with dark chocolate is a taste straight out of heaven!

Yes, I did get the Second Hand Store part. However there is a high end consignment place down in Fort Pierce that holds an open house with an elaborate buffet around the holidays. My friend, Marie & I have attended several times and we didn't need to eat dinner afterward.

This shop has many beautiful and interesting items. I've made several purchases there, but so far no berets, not at this one anyway. And I happen to own a varied assortment of these, but no raspberry one! The closest is a light pink, the color of a creamy raspberry mousse. The kind you make by adding Raspberry Jello mix to whipped topping and blending. Chill and place fresh raspberries on top along with dark chocolate shavings and people will be impressed. I guarantee it!

Most of my berets are of the style with a large nipple on top; one has a long feather on the side. Two have a knit flower there, those I purchased at Claire's in the mall. The really classy-looking one with the buttons on the side I bought from Frederick's of Hollywood. (No one can believe it's their product!) And I have a black one with a bow on the side that looks almost identical to the one Monica Lewinsky made infamous. Only I bought mine at a consignment place several years before.

The last time I wore this one, I was coming out of the mall as a man was coming in. He gave me a wink! My reaction was eeeewww! I hope he doesn't think I'm anything like THAT woman!

But whenever I wear any of my berets, I seem to attract a lot of attention from men. Guys seem to get excited by these little hats, especially men from a certain generation, but others too as attested by the song.

About 15 years ago, I had just paid for a meal at Applebee's. As I headed for the door a young waiter (not mine) hurried over and opened it for me. "You are such a beautiful lady, thank you for coming in," he said. I was taken back with surprise, but flattered! However I do believe that giant nipple coming out of the side of my head probably gave me a certain air of je ne sais quoi.

Another time I was standing in line at Walmart wearing my black nipple beret & black boots along with a gray jumper & white turtleneck. The man in front turned and told me, "Looking at you, I feel like I'm back in France."

With a flourish of my hand I replied in a phony French accent, "In my heart, I am a European woman." I don't think he knew how to respond, he said nothing. But the clerk cackled!

I thought back to my late 20's when I was visiting Paris. I happened to be seated at a cafe when along came a group of Japanese tourists and they started snapping photos of me. No, I wasn't wearing a beret. But my blonde hair was jaw length that year.

Here in Florida, 10 months of summer isn't unusual anymore thanks to global warming. So my berets are stuffed in the back of a closet now, they're more of a cool weather accessory. Nowadays, I'm usually in wide-brimmed hats and big sunglasses, better for enduring the blazing sun and the sweltering heat & humidity.

However, last winter we were blessed with chilly weather. Mostly, I was homebound. I'm not complaining, it felt like playing hooky.

Spring is here and for breakfast this morning I enjoyed fresh raspberries. I sing loudly and off-key my own words to the Prince song: "Raspberry Buffet! Hey! Hey! Hey!"

MY HEART WAS SURE NOT IN ART

My friend, Marie is blessed with the gift. Gracing her home are gorgeous pieces of art that she created herself. Marie could have her own show! She is THAT good! Unfortunately, she does not believe this. I've tried repeatedly to persuade her to at least join Facebook and post her work. But she has no interest in computers. Marie would rather be out living her life than starring at a screen. This is another thing I admire about her despite the fact I've become one of those pitiful screen people. 

I love and enjoy art. I’m a highly visual person; I gravitate to things with eye appeal. Sadly, I have zero talent in this area, myself.

But art is subjective; something doesn’t have to be good to be considered art. I’ve seen artwork in galleries and for sale at an exorbitant price that look as if created by a drunken monkey and some fool will probably pay that price. This aside, even bad art can be interesting, everyone sees the world thru their individual filter and have their own interpretation.

I have always believed it's highly possible humans were created by DNA tampering and interbreeding with space aliens. But when I see photos of those Nazca lines in Peru, I can’t help but wonder how a society with a far advanced technology could ever produce such amateur looking art!

Frequently, people ask if I'm an artist. I have that look, they say. Writers are considered artists, because we too, create from our head. And it's an art to write a 30 to 60 second commercial, then get up and perform live before an audience as I’ve done at networking luncheons. Believe me as an introvert, I’ve had to take flying leaps outside my comfort zone to do that! But honestly, if I could choose my talent, I’d prefer drawing or sculpting.

After I published my 1^st book, strangers asked, “Have you written anything else?” I found this insulting! Had I displayed a painting, no one would have asked, “Have you painted anything else?”

As a child, I never liked coloring books! They made me feel as if I was completing someone else’s work. I’d rather be given a blank piece of paper and create something of my own even if it was crappy or else go outside and play with rocks and spiders.

But there is no denying Marie's talent! Every October when she returns to Florida Marie enrolls in another Art Class. She's a natural and enjoys it, probably the top student every year!

Knowing from an early age that I had no skill in this area, I signed up for Art Class in the 9^th Grade just because I thought it would be a fun and easy credit.  – Was I ever wrong!

Most of the other students were no-talents like me, (a few were in denial about this) with maybe 3 genuinely gifted ones. The teacher possessed what most consider a strong personality. This squat man was loud, demanding, and swaggered when he walked. He was the type who made others want to either kiss his arse, spank it, or shove a firecracker between his butt cheeks and light it. I was in the latter category.

I think of art as something open with freedom of expression. Unlike writing, there are no rules and only guidelines, that's what I thought, anyway! Instead, there were lots of rules we were forced to follow. Mr. Loudswagger was a stickler about that! Some made no sense to me at all.

One in particular that bugged me the most: A drawing must start at the bottom of a canvas and work upward. He repeated this constantly! Well, I preferred to begin in the center and work around. And this is how I did it! Since our teacher liked to sit on his backside while we worked, I usually got away with it.

Then one spring day our class strolled to the park only a block away to sketch the statue there. It featured a curvy woman in a clingy garment. Grapes sprouted from her head instead of hair. She stood balancing a jug of wine on her shoulder with another spilling from her hip. This statue had been imported from Italy and was considered quite risqué in our (then) small coastal town. It has since been moved to the Historic Downtown area.

I seated myself comfortably on the grass. I began sketching in the middle as usual. Suddenly, I felt a yardstick on the back of my hand holding it down. A looming shadow overwhelmed my canvas. Yikes! It was Mr. Loudswagger!

"What have I been telling you for months!” he bellowed. “Always start at the bottom! Haven’t you been listening?!”

“OK,” I said nervously. Quickly, I pulled my hand away and moved my pencil to the bottom. He cleared his throat in disgust. I watched him swagger away. Then I went right back to drawing in the middle! This was MY work of art after all!!!

I passed the class with a C. The other no-talents all got B’s, but only the gifted ones received A’s. I had no desire to sign up for another Art Class ever again. I was clearly unsuited for it. Another issue, it was too messy for me! Despite wearing a smock, it was not unusual to show up for the following class with paint dotting my arms, face, or in my hair. However if you possess the aptitude and passion, I guess this is a minor thing.

I decided I'd rather just admire the work of those with talent.

BIG DARK GLASSES & MAPLE-FLAVORED SYRUP

Recently, I watched a movie The Space Between Us on my DVR. After the teenager born and raised on Mars came to Earth he was issued big dark sunglasses that covered his brows and both sides of his eyes. I laughed out loud at the sight of them! They were exactly like the ones I wore after my cataract surgeries.

The teen soon exchanged them with a street person for a cooler pair. However I was forced to wear mine for what seemed like forever! I'd spot other people wearing those same glasses when I was out & about. We'd smile and nod at one another as if we were members of some esoteric club. In a way we were, almost as if we came from Mars.

In the movie, the teen asked whomever he encountered: "What's your favorite thing about Earth?" For ME, it's the food! -- But you already know that, don't you?

Well hot cat pee!!! Not long ago I received a shock that nearly shattered me to my core!!!

One of my favorite flavors is maple! I actually prefer maple fudge to chocolate! And maple is not only delicious, it's healthy!

According to science, maple syrup protects brain cells from Alzheimer's. The cells are prevented from fibrillating or clumping and the maple keeps the beta-amyloid from sticking or tangling. -- I am NOT making this up!

Unfortunately, I have aged into the danger zone. My two best friends in the world, Margaret & Pat were lost to this disease as was my step-mother. Alzheimer's does not run in my family, but I still worry. I don't want to be seen naked as a jay bird stumbling over my sprinklers on my way to the mailbox one day!

So I bought a bottle of maple syrup for my spiraled butternut squash. However I noticed the syrup had a peculiar after taste. I grabbed the bottle and read the ingredients. To my horror, there was NO MAPLE listed! It was mostly corn syrup & fructose. This was only MAPLE-FLAVORED syrup!

On my next trip to the grocery store armed with reading glasses, I checked out the syrups. All the popular brands, (even the one I grew up enjoying over pancakes on Sunday mornings) as well as the others around them contained NO MAPLE whatsoever! Whoa! I was nothing short of traumatized. This must be how a little kid feels when they learn there is no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or Tooth Fairy! How can I ever believe or trust anyone ever again!!!

Several advertised NO FRUCTOSE in big letters, but there was NO MAPLE either! They were mostly CORN SYRUP and just MAPLE-FLAVORED!

Sure, PURE maple syrup was on a higher shelf; however, it was more than double the price. I purchased a small bottle.

I've come up with a healthy, or rather healthier dessert. I sparingly pour pure maple syrup on plain or frozen yogurt, top with lots of walnuts, (antioxidants, cancer fighting properties & heart healthy) then I liberally sprinkle on cinnamon (rich with antioxidants).

But man-o-man, I still love and long for maple fudge! But to my dire shock and horror, I recently discovered that the main ingredients are brown sugar with maple-flavoring. There is absolutely NO MAPLE in maple fudge, either! 

Earth sucks!!!