HOME OF DARKNESS ON HALLOWEEN

This will be the 2^nd year in a row I am foregoing the annual Oct. 31 shake down. Candy, like everything else is getting expensive. Kids from surrounding subdivisions all descend like locusts!

Halloween was an exciting, much anticipated holiday when I was a kid. Now it's far less fun on this side of the sweets.

"It's the worst night of the year!" a former neighbor used to say. “I always pray for rain!”

Me too! Every year the kids seem to get older, ruder, and more demanding. I’m sick of them telling me what they will and will not accept! --- They were lucky to get anything from me, period!

I reached the point where I would buy only the cheapest hard candy I could find. If they wanted chocolate, they’d have to go to the home across the street, the place that’s lit-up like a roadhouse 365 days a year.

I hoped I’d get a reputation for my lousy candy and the kids would avoid me altogether. No such luck!

Plus there was no option to opt out. Lord knows I tried!

During the past decade, several times I’d leave my house dark, then retreat into my office in the back room to work on the computer. Every 5 to10 minutes I was driven up the walls by ding, ding, ding! -- Last century when I was trick-or-treating, we knew enough to avoid a dark house. Kids today are clueless!

When my father & I moved here, I complained about having to distribute treats to rude, ungrateful kids. He declared it was my obligation to the neighborhood! -- Hey, I pay my yearly homeowner’s fee. My obligation ends there! Half the neighbors don’t pay it! These are all people who drive expensive, late model cars. It wouldn't surprise me if their kids were the ones who tell me, "Don't give me that!" when I dole out the goods on Halloween.

A close friend experienced her proverbial last straw 2 years ago. Around 9:00 PM she was besieged with a flood of children from outside her neighborhood. Half were carrying an extra bag supposedly for a sick sibling. (An obvious rip-off!) Ever since, she and her husband have decided to be away on that date.

This friend is big hearted. She volunteers her free time to help neglected kids. -- Children can go step on a land-mine for all I care!!! I don’t see kids thru rose-colored blinders the way other people do.

My last straw occurred that year, too. I was costumed in a burgundy Victorian gown I bought on sale from The Pyramid Collection. I also wore a long blonde wig and sported exaggerated dark eye make-up. 

A couple of girls who looked around 15 (too old to be trick-or-treating) came to my door. “I like your costume,” one said. “If it IS a costume,” she quickly added. – I wanted to give her the back of my hand for that crack!!! Grudgingly, I gave them both a small handful of candy.

“I’ll take another one of those,” the mouthy one said.

“Another what?” I asked.

She held out her bag.

“Now let me see what I can do,” I replied as I dug deep into my bowl. I pulled out a big jawbreaker. “This is all you’re getting.” I glowered at her.

“No thank you!” she snapped. “I wear braces.”

I should’ve shoved it into her bag and told her to choke on it!

The time was early, around 8:00 PM, but I decided to close shop for good right then! I turned out all the lights, went upstairs and soaked in a bubble bath. Let the kids lean on the bell!!!

The following summer, I got heavy blinds that block out all light. Also I replaced my front door. The one with all that pretty glass is gone. My new one is solid, no one can peek inside. Unfortunately I can’t sound proof my home. However, I solved that problem for Halloween night.

I got ear-plugs and recorded a silent film on TCM (a foreign movie with subtitles also works) I just click mute and I can still follow the story. The kids can't hear my TV, now. Plus I watch TV in the dark, anyway. My house looks vacant from the street.

Last year I found the ideal movie to enjoy! A fictionalized history of witchcraft made in Denmark during the 1920’s. Clearly it was released before the Hollywood Production Code. Raw and racy with nudity, women copulated and cavorted with demons while flocking to become the Devil’s whore. Unbaptized babies were eaten. A Monk was seduced by a witches’ love potion. Graphic torture was featured as well. And most unforgettable of all was a scene with Nuns dancing wildly in lustful hysteria. A demon perched in a corner watching, juts its tongue in-and-out suggestively. I can see why this film had been banned in several cities. It could not have been more perfect for Halloween night!

This year I’ve got several foreign horror films with subtitles all lined up.

Let’s just hope I don’t find a dead rat in my mailbox the following day!

THE THIRD WORLD BECKONS

Ecuador, Costa Rica, Panama, Mexico, Belize, Nicaragua, even Malaysia, India, Thailand, or the Azores are all places I am seriously considering relocating to begin life anew. I am not searching for Shangri-La, only to survive financially.  

Others have given me a long list of reasons why I shouldn’t do this. But I’ve got a long list of my own why I must.

I love my house and my life here in Vero Beach. Unfortunately, I can no longer afford to maintain my beautiful home. My quality of life here is diminishing all the time. I’m constantly forced to cut back on things I enjoy such as eating out and attending live shows.

In 2016 I will turn 65; I know my health is going to decline. Friends say I shouldn’t worry because I take such good care of myself. Well my father did everything right and still suffered serious illnesses. I can’t wait for a stroke, heart attack, or hip replacement to leave, by then it will be too late.

Because of my spotty work record, I’m ineligible for even one dime of Social Security or Medicare.

To become eligible, I'd have to marry a Death Row inmate, one who has little chance of receiving a stay of execution. But I would need to be married at least one year in order to collect his S.S. benefits as a widow. However, the guy would probably want conjugal visits. – Hey, I’m not a prostitute!

Had I married that old Mormon fart when I was 50, he’d probably be dead by now! I’d be financially secure and back living on the water with a maid. But I just couldn’t stand the thought of him touching me!

Also I’ve thought about becoming a Nun. The celibacy part is a piece of cake for me. However, I’m not religious, and the wardrobe is ugly and limited. Plus Nuns don’t just sing and pray. They do lots of hard work helping underprivileged children. Since I hate kids and am allergic to work, this doesn’t fly for me!

So my only option is to immigrate to a Third World country! Otherwise, I’d better plan on dying at 72 just like my mother. Or I’m liable to end up under a bridge eating cat food, especially if I’m forced to do any hospital time.

All of the above countries have thriving expatriate communities, so it’s not as if I’m going to be the only one. However to emigrate, you must have a minimum monthly income. They don’t want homeless people dumped there. I just squeak by in some of these cases. However, once I sell my house it will bump-up my income.

Also it is difficult to get a work visa in these countries, because they don’t want anyone taking jobs away from a local. However, writing is a portable career. The only problem is I’d make more money selling my blood!

My big issue is that I am NOT a computer person. Modern technology may as well be rocket science to me. I have zero aptitude for it! I am forced to pay someone to come over and show me how to do every little thing. Then, I always want to holler, “Go back and explain that in a language I can understand!” There is absolutely no way I can remember all those steps!

After moving to Vero Beach in 1999, I enrolled in a computer class at the local Adult Education Center. The course was fast paced! It didn’t matter whether you kept up. The only thing I actually learned was how to turn my computer on & off. Basically, I was issued a diploma just for showing up.  

I would be happy just to enjoy a quiet retirement and let my writing be a hobby. Unfortunately, when I lost that staggering sum in G.M. Bonds that was rendered impossible, here.

Of course, living in another country will be a big adjustment with all the cultural differences. I’ll have to learn another language. As long as there is no math involved, I think I can hack it!

Also as an animal lover, I don’t know if I could live someplace where the national sport is cockfighting!

Unfortunately, in the Third World they have that “manana attitude”! Manana literally means, “Tomorrow.” In actuality it means, “Whenever I sober up” or “Whenever I damn well feel like it,” which could mean 2 days or 2 weeks from now. This is especially irksome when it comes to service or repairs. That would drive me straight up the walls!!! I’d be so flustered and frustrated I’d show up at their place of business and force a repairman at gunpoint to come and fix my air conditioner or refrigerator. I’d probably end up in a flea & rat infested Third World jail.  

I’ve read that ALL developing countries have that attitude. The natives don’t want to be forced to adhere to a clock or any rules, which is precisely why they will remain Third World.

Worse and most dangerous of all, they refuse to follow necessary traffic rules. To someone who has anxiety attacks and is navigationally impaired, this is particularly terrifying! Crosswalks are even dangerous because natives will drive right thru red lights. And at night some drive without lights! Police look the other way unless an infraction is committed by a foreigner. Then you are expected to slip them a few bucks to avoid a ticket. This leaves a bad taste in my mouth!

However, I will be forced as usual, to think with my wallet. As I age, I need a country where I can actually afford medical care, right along with food and shelter.

Currently, I’m doing lots of research and saving up my money.

ONE of the above countries I am planning to visit in either late 2015 or early 2016. My friends all know which one, more about this later.

I AM NOT CRAZY, JUST DISORDERLY

If you know me at all, you’re aware I juggle a laundry list of mental disorders. Two of them, I didn’t realize even had names until this decade! The ones to which I am referring are Dyscalculia and Synesthesia.

First and foremost, let me make this clear, Asexuality is NOT a disorder any more than Homosexuality, even though some people would like to believe it is! Nymphomania IS a mental disorder and I’m sure glad it’s not one of mine!

This blog is my memoir so I’m hanging it all out there. For your edification, I will attempt to explain the two above.

Dyscalculia is the math version of Dyslexia. To this day, I am unable to figure even simple numbers without having to count on my fingers and toes. Sure, I learned adding & subtracting as well as the multiplication tables in school. And I know for example that 7 plus 5 is 19 and 8 X 6 is 32. -- Hey, that’s close enough as far as I’m concerned.

Another symptom is navigational impairment to an extreme degree. I’ve had appointments and attended events in numerous buildings where I was unable to find my way out! After wandering around aimlessly in confusion, I’d usually find myself in the back or way at the opposite end of the entrance. Whenever I asked for directions all I’d hear was, “Blah, da, blah, that way and turn left, then yada, yada, then another left, yammer-yammer, then go right blather, blather, blather.” – I’d be more confused than ever!

Did I neglect to mention that I get left & right confused? Dyscalculia also involves severe spatial unawareness and depth perception as well.

And people actually wonder why I get anxiety attacks behind the wheel of a car! I didn’t get my Driver’s License until late in life. Had it been my choice, I would NEVER have gotten one at all!

My father used to say, “Dianne has a natural tendency to do things the opposite way with everything!”

Synesthesia is more difficult to talk about, because I always get “The Look.” This disorder is a co-mingling of sounds, smells, colors, & tastes. For example the name Frances spelled either in the masculine or feminine version makes me taste roast turkey with gravy when I say it. With Marie its spice cake, David baked chicken, Ralph beef stew, Linda mint wafers, Mary milk, Rosemary cream, Jane black coffee, Martin peanut butter, Barbara cucumbers, etc.

Also with Synesthesia, numbers have colors, smells, & personalities. For example, 8 is purple, a tad vain, but she is good-hearted, & smells like Spanish perfume. 4 is pink & prissy & smells like laundry detergent. 7 is green, has charisma, is quite conceited, & he smells like spearmint. 9 is charcoal, he is friendly, reliable, helpful, & smells like sweat. 2 is sky blue, snippy & shallow, she smells like fried bananas. 1 is arrogant & controlling; he is bleach white and smells like cheap hair tonic. 3 is golden orange, big-hearted, out-spoken, & with zero tolerance for bullies, she smells like musk & citrus combined.

I’ve only met ONE other person with this condition. It was during the second grade. Our Bible studies teacher (this was the 1950’s) claimed the number 6 was evil, because it's the Devil’s number. Afterward, I told the boy next to me she was wrong, because 6 is sweet and shy, her color is butter yellow, & she smells like honeysuckle.

“YOU are WRONG!” he declared. “6 is brownish, has a filthy mouth, & smells like steamed fish!”

Bitterly, we argued back and forth! If ANY number IS the Devil’s number, it HAS to be 5!!! Its blood red; obnoxious, loud, pushy & smells like insecticide! Trust me, I am right about this!!! 

Always I’ve been highly self-conscious and embarrassed about myself. I HATE having to make conversation, so I just learned to remain tight-lipped. Better this than being labeled crazy. There has never been a time in my life when someone wasn’t trying to glue an ugly label onto me. I didn’t need another! My OCD alone is difficult enough for other people to understand.

As a child, when introduced by my mother, she would add, “Bill & I blame ourselves for the way Dianne is. She wasn’t raised around other children.” Mom always said this in a tone that made me sound like a 6 year old prostitute or drug addict!

My folks should have been proud that I didn’t end up that way. I KNOW I AM! Perhaps they’d rather I turned out like my brother, a paranoid schizophrenic who has been in and out of the psychiatric ward of federal prison! If the option existed, we BOTH would have been sent back for a refund. 

 

FOOTNOTE:  My mother had a bout of her own with paranoid schizophrenia, but that memory will be shared another time.

ME & METV

Around 6:00 PM there is absolutely nothing I’d rather do than slip into my ratty, old comfortable robe and watch TV. I get too sleepy to do anything else. Remember, I often get up at 5:30 AM and sometimes earlier. Thanks to my DVR I can nap between programs.

Autumn has arrived along with the new television season. Always it’s a mixed bag! Many of these programs won’t be around after November, if that long.

Summer to me is synonymous with movies, ice cream, and air conditioning. Last time around I found myself seduced by some dusty treasures on METV.

I happened across 2 of my old favorites THRILLER & ALFRED HITCHCOCK. It had been 50 years since viewing any of these programs! Some episodes, such as “A Wig for Miss Devore” and “The Hungry Glass” on THRILLER, I recalled in vivid detail as if I’d viewed them just yesterday. Others, I began to recall only as they were unfolding. Sometimes, I remembered the ending, sometimes not.

Most fascinating of all was watching now famous TV stars only a few short years from their big break-out role. The first time these episodes aired many were unknown struggling actors.   William Shatner appeared in several HITCHCOCK episodes just 3 or 4 years before becoming Captain Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. Plus he starred in “The Hungry Glass” on THRILLER along with Russell Johnson, later to be the Professor on GILLIGAN’S ISLAND. Also this same teleplay featured Donna Douglas in a brief, non-speaking, but significant role shortly before becoming Elly Mae Clampett on the BEVERLY HILLBILLIES.

Elisabeth Montgomery was featured on another episode of THRILLER as a domestic vampire before becoming a domesticated witch later in the decade. I could go on and on and on!

Two of my favorite actresses Patricia Barry and the impossibly gorgeous Susan Oliver were nearly ubiquitous on the small screen in those days. Both highly talented actresses, yet, they never became famous as they deserved to be.

Many popular actors I once enjoyed have suddenly vanished! A family friend used to say, “They’re off enjoying their millions somewhere.” -- A choice preferable to guest shots on those sleazy shows that followed in the coming decades. In my opinion, anyway!

METV also brought to mind all of the chaotic events going on in MY life back then. The atmosphere was crazy, stressful, and everything about to unravel!

One episode of HITCHCOCK I recall only because I watched it in a New Orleans motel room. This was our last family vacation before my father lost his high-paying job and our lives spun right into a ditch.

Both THRILLER & HITCHCOCK were pulled from the METV line-up after the calendar hit September. I wasn’t ready to say good-bye.

Also METV ran the movie THE THING THAT COULDN’T DIE! The first time I saw this film, I was 11 years old. This was on a late October Saturday afternoon during a storm with heavy rain and lightning. I was so frightened; my nails were almost bitten bloody. Then right in the middle of the picture my electricity was suddenly knocked out! -- I have waited literally 52 years to see the ending of that movie!!! This time around I’d been toughened-up by zombie films. I had no problem watching it alone in the dark, my manicure remained intact. -- And the THING COULDN’T DIE did, way too easily in fact!

Last summer, I opened a door to the past and enjoyed a nostalgic jaunt down memory lane, but now with the fall season here, that door is closed, (well, ajar) at least at least until next June.