HOME OF DARKNESS ON HALLOWEEN

This will be the 2^nd year in a row I am foregoing the annual Oct. 31 shake down. Candy, like everything else is getting expensive. Kids from surrounding subdivisions all descend like locusts!

Halloween was an exciting, much anticipated holiday when I was a kid. Now it's far less fun on this side of the sweets.

"It's the worst night of the year!" a former neighbor used to say. “I always pray for rain!”

Me too! Every year the kids seem to get older, ruder, and more demanding. I’m sick of them telling me what they will and will not accept! --- They were lucky to get anything from me, period!

I reached the point where I would buy only the cheapest hard candy I could find. If they wanted chocolate, they’d have to go to the home across the street, the place that’s lit-up like a roadhouse 365 days a year.

I hoped I’d get a reputation for my lousy candy and the kids would avoid me altogether. No such luck!

Plus there was no option to opt out. Lord knows I tried!

During the past decade, several times I’d leave my house dark, then retreat into my office in the back room to work on the computer. Every 5 to10 minutes I was driven up the walls by ding, ding, ding! -- Last century when I was trick-or-treating, we knew enough to avoid a dark house. Kids today are clueless!

When my father & I moved here, I complained about having to distribute treats to rude, ungrateful kids. He declared it was my obligation to the neighborhood! -- Hey, I pay my yearly homeowner’s fee. My obligation ends there! Half the neighbors don’t pay it! These are all people who drive expensive, late model cars. It wouldn't surprise me if their kids were the ones who tell me, "Don't give me that!" when I dole out the goods on Halloween.

A close friend experienced her proverbial last straw 2 years ago. Around 9:00 PM she was besieged with a flood of children from outside her neighborhood. Half were carrying an extra bag supposedly for a sick sibling. (An obvious rip-off!) Ever since, she and her husband have decided to be away on that date.

This friend is big hearted. She volunteers her free time to help neglected kids. -- Children can go step on a land-mine for all I care!!! I don’t see kids thru rose-colored blinders the way other people do.

My last straw occurred that year, too. I was costumed in a burgundy Victorian gown I bought on sale from The Pyramid Collection. I also wore a long blonde wig and sported exaggerated dark eye make-up. 

A couple of girls who looked around 15 (too old to be trick-or-treating) came to my door. “I like your costume,” one said. “If it IS a costume,” she quickly added. – I wanted to give her the back of my hand for that crack!!! Grudgingly, I gave them both a small handful of candy.

“I’ll take another one of those,” the mouthy one said.

“Another what?” I asked.

She held out her bag.

“Now let me see what I can do,” I replied as I dug deep into my bowl. I pulled out a big jawbreaker. “This is all you’re getting.” I glowered at her.

“No thank you!” she snapped. “I wear braces.”

I should’ve shoved it into her bag and told her to choke on it!

The time was early, around 8:00 PM, but I decided to close shop for good right then! I turned out all the lights, went upstairs and soaked in a bubble bath. Let the kids lean on the bell!!!

The following summer, I got heavy blinds that block out all light. Also I replaced my front door. The one with all that pretty glass is gone. My new one is solid, no one can peek inside. Unfortunately I can’t sound proof my home. However, I solved that problem for Halloween night.

I got ear-plugs and recorded a silent film on TCM (a foreign movie with subtitles also works) I just click mute and I can still follow the story. The kids can't hear my TV, now. Plus I watch TV in the dark, anyway. My house looks vacant from the street.

Last year I found the ideal movie to enjoy! A fictionalized history of witchcraft made in Denmark during the 1920’s. Clearly it was released before the Hollywood Production Code. Raw and racy with nudity, women copulated and cavorted with demons while flocking to become the Devil’s whore. Unbaptized babies were eaten. A Monk was seduced by a witches’ love potion. Graphic torture was featured as well. And most unforgettable of all was a scene with Nuns dancing wildly in lustful hysteria. A demon perched in a corner watching, juts its tongue in-and-out suggestively. I can see why this film had been banned in several cities. It could not have been more perfect for Halloween night!

This year I’ve got several foreign horror films with subtitles all lined up.

Let’s just hope I don’t find a dead rat in my mailbox the following day!