WORDS THAT SOUND REALLY FILTHY, BUT AREN'T

 

Now that school is back in session who can forget those weekly vocabulary words and definitions with sentences we were forced to construct. How they sounded and what they meant were often two different things. My inspiration for today!

Many words fit this category; here are some of my favorites. Below is what they should mean (in my opinion) used in a sentence followed by the actual definition.

FRIGATE -- That uncouth man is blowing his nose with his fingers, what a frigate! -- Actual meaning:  A medium sized sailing warship of centuries ago.

REFULGENT -- Jenny's stinky breath smelled downright refulgent after she puked chunks all over Kevin's shoes. -- Actual meaning: shining radiantly, resplendent.

DOODLE -- The doodle in the baby's diaper was a bizarre color due to the magenta & chartreuse crayons he ate. -- Actual meaning: To dawdle or scribble aimlessly.

SAGACIOUS -- Because of Billy Bob's sagacious condition he was unable to perform his manly duties on his wedding night without the help of locust. (see below) -- Actual meaning:  Wise, perceptive

LOQUACIOUS --Judy liked to hang out in wheat fields for an inordinate length of time searching for locust if you know what I mean, (wink, wink). -- Actual meaning: extremely talkative.

LOCUST -- Ever since the discovery of locust decrepit old guys have suddenly began feeling like real men again! -- Actual meaning: an insect.

CRIBBAGE -- The cribbage stank worse than rotten vegetables & spoiled meat when the baby's diaper leaked. -- Actual meaning: A card game.

SUCCORY -- Mazie-Jo has such a skill & willingness for succory under the bleachers that her name can be found on every gas station bathroom in town. -- Actual meaning:  An American Indian dish consisting of corn & beans cooked together.

CUSTARD -- Little Donnie is an appalling custard because he calls his mom a $#!&%* whore cause she never married his father - whoever he was? -- Actual meaning: a dessert made with eggs & sugar.

PERFUNCTORY -- I was shocked by the perfunctory acts the couple performed with ferrets & squirrels in the XXX rated video! They were beyond obscene! -- Actual meaning:  Done without interest or care.

FUGACIOUS --That fugacious pervert is forcing local farmers to bolt their barn doors to prevent him from sexually assaulting their livestock. -- Actual meaning:  A tendency to panic.

EXTRAPOLATE -- The dominatrix extrapolated her clients with leather straps before plucking out their nose, chest, & pubic hairs with rusty tweezers before forcing them to eat dog poo. -- Actual meaning:  To estimate beyond the known range.

NOW COME UP WITH SOME OF YOUR OWN!

THE NEW KID

 

Once again the kiddies are back in class and my mailbox is safe until the weekend or at least the next school holiday.

A number of young adult novels and after school TV specials feature stories of children as strangers in a new school with all the troubles they encounter fitting in. -- I had the exact opposite experiences!

I was that kid who always felt different and was self-conscious about it. I was born with a variety of undiagnosed mental disorders. To me numbers had personalities, colors, & smells. Words had flavors especially names and I could see all kinds of bizarre images in patterns. And I still struggle with math and directions due to dyscalculia.

I was cautioned never to talk about these things because they made me sound stupid/crazy/ weird. If fact EVERYTHING I said made me sound that way according to my mother. She was always telling me, "Why can't you act normal?"

But I didn't know how normal people act except from what I saw on TV. And my family was nothing like any of those people! Also I was always told, "There's something wrong with you!"

I had no control over it and this was frustrating. I never opened my mouth around other people unless absolutely necessary for fear of saying the wrong thing.

School was mostly a nightmare except for those two times when I was the new kid. The last half of my first grade year we moved to Hobe Sound. 

I stepped into a classroom full of strangers who all knew each other and I was scared. However unlike my previous first grade class everyone was friendly and welcoming. I was shocked and could not believe my good fortune. 

Unfortunately the following year we moved back up the coast to the previous town and all those unfriendly kids with attitude.

Something foul must have been in the water there that affected their brains; by sixth grade it was hell on earth! What few friends I had all were in different classes. The kids in mine were in tight condescending clicks and were unbelievably mean! And so was the teacher who was always singling me out for criticism and ridicule.

I was constantly faking illnesses to avoid school, my grades were plummeting. And that old pill of a teacher seemed to have her heart set on failing me.

My parents hired a private tutor for the summer so that I could pass to the seventh grade. 

The next year I was sent to a "Special School" in West Palm Beach where the students already knew each other. Again I was immediately welcomed and accepted! There, everybody socialized with everybody else, no one was deemed unworthy!

However the following year required going back to my hometown school. Just the thought of returning sickened me. I was filled with dread.

My mother kept insisting that I would love high school. She assured me the kids would be different and nicer now and the clicks gone. -- She was wrong, they were worse than ever! And now there was even a caste system. If you forgot where you belonged there were plenty of people eager to remind you.

That was also the year my father lost his high paying job at age 50 when the corporation he worked for went belly up! This added fuel to the fire and more ammunition against me. 

They claim teachers have eyes in the back of their head. -- Based on my experiences I could swear those back eyes had myopia and the ones in the front wore blinders!

I hated attending school far more than going to work. At least I got paid for my misery. I would never have worked 3 days at a job under those same conditions. And if I did, I'd have sued the company for harassment and creating a hostile work environment.

Graduating high school and knowing that I never had to return was a liberating and wildly joyful feeling, not to mention a tremendous relief!