LOOKING AHEAD TO THAILAND IN 2016

Now that this trip is getting closer, the butterflies in my stomach have been replaced by bats gnawing & scratching at my insides. I am dreading the airport aggravation alone! The flight is a lengthy one to put it mildly. I am flying for 18 hours on Arab Emirates Airlines to Dubai. A 3 hour layover awaits me; from there it’s another 6 hours to Bangkok. This will be an entire day & night each way.

Since I’m going alone and terrible with directions, I opted for an escorted tour just like in the old days. During my 20’s, I did all my world traveling this way. Sure, I invited friends and plenty showed interest. But when it came to placing a deposit with a travel agent, I heard all variety of excuses why they couldn’t do it that year.  And the next it was a similar story! I decided that if I didn’t go alone, I’d never get to travel at all.

Back in the 1970’s I was never concerned about my health. A heart attack or stroke seemed as remote as the constellation Cassiopeia.  Nowadays, it’s constantly in the back of my mind that my father suffered his first heart attack when he was 10 years younger. And my mother died when she was only 7 years older than I am now.

I’ve been ordered by the Dept. of Health to get up and walk every waking hour for at least 15 minutes to avoid blood clots. “They’ll be lots of people walking around on that flight!” the doctor told me.

“But there are NOT a lot of places to walk!” I replied. “That narrow isle will be so crammed; we’ll all be doing it in shifts!” Also I purchased a pair of compression stockings. I can feel the old lady cooties licking my toes, already!

I selected a tour that hits all my major cities of interest. I plan to make the most of my time doing lots of touristy things. But this primarily is an exploratory or what the politicians refer to as a fact finding trip. Too bad I don’t hold political office or I could stick the taxpayers with the tab!

 I may end up calling this country home at some point in time, even if I choose to expatriate to Ecuador.

 I’m looking forward to visiting Ayuthaya, the capitol of Old Siam. Also I’m taking a cruise in a long-tailed boat on the Meo Kok River to visit a hill tribe village in Chiang Rai. Plus I’ll be seeing the ancient towns of Chiang Sen & Wat Phra That Chedi Luang.  I’m traveling up to the famous Golden Triangle where Thailand, Burma, & Laos all merge, and then it’s on to Chaing Mai to visit the ancient capitol of the Lamma Kingdom.  There’s a Khantoke dinner with a show which should be exciting and memorable. Later it’s a visit to an elephant camp with a jungle tour. Actually, several jungle tours are included, (better get that prescription for Malaria pills) and another long-tailed boat ride on the Pai River in Bangkok. My first night there features a Thai dinner and a classic dance performance. Plus many more activities I’m not going to detail here and now.

I’ve got THREE flights within Thailand to get around to all of these places!

I told the travel agent I was disappointed that I would not be going to the White Temple in Chiang Rai. (This HAS to be the coolest temple on the planet, Google it!!!) She phoned back and said the White Temple would be included. I asked if the other people would be inconvenienced.

“This is a private tour,” she stated. “There are no others, you will have a personal guide & driver. It’s not unusual in that part of the world.”

I was speechless. For a second, I felt like a V.I.P.!  Then I remembered I was traveling Economy Class in a 17 inch seat. That bubble burst fast!

Also I’ve arranged to visit a Retirement Home operated by a British family. Residents live in condos with balconies along a snaking river with mountains in the background. The online photos are absolutely dreamy. – I’m not ready for anything like that yet!  However, that day may come.

Was I not planning to sell my house and move to the Third World, a trip such as this would be out of the question. Plus I’ve forgone many things I enjoy. I’ve pinched a lot of pennies & nickels to afford this trip. One of the reasons I’m expatriating is to be able to afford these things.

After I return, there are serious decisions I need to make.

THE FRUITCAKE STOPS HERE

There’s a lame joke that seems to have been around forever, the one claiming that only one fruitcake exists and it gets passed around to everyone. Many have declared it the worst gift possible! Frankly, I’ve never understood why.  This delectable dessert was once proclaimed sinfully decadent and outlawed in 18^th century Europe.

Of course as my father used to say, “There’s fruitcake and then there’s FRUITCAKE! Not all fruitcakes are created equal.

 In MY world there are 4 categories:

1:  Drug Store Fruitcake.  The kind that gives it the bad rep! It’s hard, dry, fructose flavored, & dotted with neon green citron.                                                                                    

2:  Supermarket Bakery Fruitcake.   OK tasting, but nothing special.                               

 3:  Gourmet Gift Catalogue Fruitcake.  These are the Cadillac of fruitcakes, delicious but far from cheap!

4:  Great Grandma Fruitcake.  The ones of myth and legend, they are the Sasquatch of fruitcakes because they are so rare. According to my father, his German-born Grandmother made the best tasting ones ever! These were so extraordinary nothing else came close!  -- I’ve never actually tasted one myself.

Fruitcake goes all the way back to the ancient Egyptians. It was placed on tombs as an offering to the dead. Perhaps this is how its flavorless rumor began.

In various forms, fruitcake has been around as long as civilization. It was during Roman times that this dessert became common in ring shape.

Ancient Roman fruitcakes consisted of pine nuts, pomegranate seeds, & barley mash. During Medieval times; spices, honey, & preserved fruit were added. Sugar by the cupful was added during the 16^th century. Later candied fruits from the Mediterranean were added along with a variety of nuts. It was the Victorians who added alcohol.

These days, a gift fruitcake is usually the awful Drug Store variety. However, these can easily be made palatable with just a little creativity. Just take a slice, place it in a bowl, add 2 tablespoons of brandy, rum, or amaretto, (any more than 2 tablespoons and there’s too much icky alcohol taste!) cover and microwave for 25 seconds. Then add a scoop of ice cream if desired.

Personally, I don’t like to waste money on alcohol, (unless you’re an alcoholic you won’t miss it) I spread honey or maple syrup on top &, add chopped nuts. Remember, fruitcake is dessert! A dab of chocolate fudge sauce & whipped cream also work.

The best fruitcake I’ve ever tasted was the Hawaiian variety with pineapple & macadamia nuts. Now I’ve never liked pineapple, but I loved it in this! Also I don’t like apples (even in apple pie) but the dried ones in fruitcake greatly enhance the taste. The catalogue kind needs no doctoring.

Fruitcake tastes best when served with tangerine flavored tea, apricot works well, too.

Our first Christmas after moving to Vero Beach I was consumed with fruitcake fever! I looked forward to one gracing our holiday table in our new home. Just days before, my father & I were at the supermarket. That year, they displayed a wide variety. I drooled over every one, trying to decide.

 “Wait until the day after Christmas,” my father urged, “they’ll practically be giving them away! We’ll have one New Year’s Day!”

Reluctantly, I agreed. We returned then, also to buy holiday ornaments cheap, as well. These were mostly picked over. As for fruitcakes, there wasn’t ONE left in the store! We went to another supermarket, NO FRUITCAKES! Out of desperation we went to a Drug Store, nary a ONE there either!!!

This Christmas I’m going to splurge on a catalogue fruitcake because it may be my last one in this house. I don’t know what’s available in the Third World. Having one shipped is pricey, I’m sure. If I have to give fruitcake up entirely, I’ll miss it.

So now I’ve got catalogues spread out before me. Hmmm, perhaps I’ll get the tasty Southern version with lots of pecans, walnuts, & cherries. But wait, I see a chocolate variety! No, hold on, there’s one with blueberries & walnuts I really want to try! -- STOP! I need to be strong; I must choose ONE and only ONE!

Oh, but when I take that first bite little faeries tickle the sides of my mouth with honeyed wands. Christmas elves skip merrily across my teeth as a parade of tiny dancers & acrobats twirl and leap upon my tongue tossing colorful candied streamers. Ahhhh, fruitcake tastes like Christmas with all of its wonders and delights, m-m-m. Yum! Yum! Yum!

A VISIT TO GRANDMA'S HOUSE

The holiday season is only a hair’s breath away. For many, this means visiting relatives. Mine lived far away in a distant state when I was growing up. Unless you live in Florida like me, summer is probably just a memory by now. Here, the temperatures were still in the mid to high 80’s until recently.

I only stayed at my grandmother’s house once, and that was enough! That June of 1958 school had ended just a week before. My mother & I boarded a late night flight for Detroit, where I was born. The guys (Dad, Grandpa, & my brother) remained in Hobe Sound in our rented cottage across from the mangroves. 

Many of our Northern relatives & friends had not seen me since I was a year old. Back in 1952 my family packed our 2 cars and set off for a new life in the Sunshine State.

Now I had just completed my first year of elementary school and I was a big Second Grader!  At least that’s how I viewed myself.

After 5 days at Aunt Kiki’s house, Mom & I planned to spend the remaining 5 at my grandmother’s place. This was the house where Mom and her 3 sisters had grown up. Grandma lived in a distant part of Detroit and it felt like a long drive.

On the way over, a sense of gloom swept over me. Perhaps it was all those stories about Grandma I’d heard from relatives. I always had the feeling her daughters cared for her more out of duty, than love. This was the only grandmother I had ever known.  My paternal grandmom died when my dad was 7 years old.

Grandma was a strict Pentecostal, (Holy Roller) she wouldn’t even allow a Christmas tree in the home because she considered it pagan.  My mother never had a meal inside a restaurant until after she was married. Dad used to say she was afraid to go inside one on dates!

My mother’s family was poor. They rented their upstairs and basement to boarders. The family was confined to the small downstairs area. A practice my Grandmother continued long after her husband died and her daughters married and moved out.

Once we entered Grandma’s neighborhood I could feel it in the air. All the houses were from another era. Had it not been for the traffic on the street, I could swear I’d gone back in time.

The inside of her home smelled like a crypt. Everything looked depressingly worn and outdated. It was a far cry from Aunt Kiki’s elegant and spacious house.

My grandma appeared deceptively frail. She was actually feisty and mean. I was her ONLY granddaughter, all the others were boys! Right away she didn’t like my blonde hair. My mother pointed out that it was growing in darker in the back and I probably wouldn’t stay blonde for long.

The only other natural blonde in our family was her daughter Kiki (the family slut) who caused Granny grief. Kiki married well, but later thought she could do better and lost everything. Kiki’s hair also darkened, but she bleached it back in her late teens, as did I.

We were introduced to the upstairs tenants, an older childless couple. Later, we met the renter in the basement, a Hispanic man in his early 30’s.

Next door on the right was a family of foreigners, from an Eastern European country. The daughter was a slim, pretty girl about 11 or maybe 12. She had black curls all over her head.  She seemed more of a young lady to me than a child. I watched her and her girlfriends on their front step from my Grandmother’s bay window. The other children in the house were younger boys.

Mom did all the grocery shopping during our visit. As I sat snacking on crackers Grandma leaned over. “Soda crackers dry up your blood,” she proclaimed. She swore a nurse told her this as fact!

I went outside to play. The back yard was tiny. There was nothing to do except eat the peeling lead paint chips off the old house.

I didn’t learn until a decade later this was injurious to my health! -- If they don’t want children eating lead paint chips why did they make them so damn tasty! Anyway, I hope they haven’t caused any long term effects. – Hey, at least they didn’t dry up my blood!

Family friends were constantly dropping over to marvel at how I had grown. Everyone vividly recalled the day I was born. I heard repeatedly how Mom had been rushed from a Beauty Salon to the Hospital. I came into the world in the early evening.  I’ve since heard this is the least likely time for a baby to be born.

After the last one left, I gave sigh of exhaustion and declared I was going outside. “And stay out!” my grandmother snapped. I was stunned, during this visit I had been on my best behavior.

Outside, I sat on the grass. I heard someone approaching from behind. I turned and gazed up into the beautiful smiling visage of the girl next door. She introduced herself and was quite friendly and pleasant. She thought my mother & I were new upstairs tenants. I explained that the old woman was my grandmother and I would be leaving on a plane for Florida, soon. She left shortly after I told her this.

Ironically, that evening, my mother reminded me how Grandma used to cut a switch from the cherry tree and whip her and her sisters over every minor infraction. She implied that I was actually seeing a mellower version of my grandmother.

Late the following afternoon, I was in the back yard as my mother packed to leave. I heard a loud scream and then another emanating from the house next door. The screaming turned to piercing shrieks. Those horrid sounds grew increasingly worse! It was THAT girl!!! I heard her cry out, “Stop!” several times followed by long, shrill wails. What were they doing to her!? What horrible act had she committed to deserve such a thing, or perhaps they were just horrible parents.

I wanted those awful sounds to stop!!! I wanted to help her, but I felt small and powerless. I couldn’t stand to hear it any longer! I went indoors.

 

I never mentioned it to either my mother or grandmother. I knew I would just be told, “It's not our concern" and to forget it. This is how people thought back then. To put this in modern terms, reacting negatively would have been considered judgmental.

Later, my uncle came and took us back to Kiki’s house. That night, we would catch our flight home.

After returning, my older friend Sharla came down from Stuart with her mom. I related this awful incident to her.

“Why didn’t you go over there and tell them to stop!” she snapped. Sharla glowered accusingly at me.

“I was afraid!” I exclaimed. “They might do to me what they were doing to her!” I thought Sharla was crazy for even asking me that!

 “Aw they couldn’t do anything to YOU!” she replied. “You weren’t their child! The worse they could have done was tell you to leave.”

Well I wasn’t so sure, just months before, I watched my otherwise kindly, old teacher paddle a boy until he cried before the entire class. And he wasn’t HER child, either! Plus this was far from a rare occurrence.

I was eager to see my other friend, Noreen. I thought she would understand! Neither of us got along with our mothers, we used to commiserate, this was our bond. But as soon as I confided that I didn’t like my grandmother and never wanted to see her again, I was flabbergasted by Noreen’s reaction.

“Shame on you!” she hollered. “Don’t you dare talk dirt about your grandmother!  Grandmothers are nice!!!”

“Not all of them!” I shouted back. We argued back and forth. She refused to listen. Finally, I just walked out. The incident was never brought up.

While Mom & I were up North, my father landed a great new job! In another week, we would be leaving Hobe Sound and moving back up the coast to Stuart.

I never said good-bye to Noreen. She is mostly forgotten, and so is Sharla, now. But after all these decades I remain saddened by the memory of the pretty girl with the black curls.

EMOTION FLAVORS & THE HORROR SHOW

American Horror Story has been one of my favorite TV shows ever since the premier. But I’ve found this season disappointing. My weekly stay at the Hotel Cortez feels unpleasant rather than interesting. There is gruesome violence aplenty, but few scares. It comes across as a bloody convoluted mess! I miss that delicious tingle of anticipation racing down my back!

Also I miss Jessica Lange! Sarah Paulson seems to be trying hard to channel her, but looks forced and fake. She comes across as a caricature. And beautiful Lily Rabe has always been one of my favorite characters no matter her role, except this one. I didn’t appreciate seeing her uglied up as Aileen Wuomos. I just wanted that character to go away.

In the past, it’s always been the female stars that shine brightest in this show.

This time around, we’ve got Lady Gaga as a vampire Countess. I’m a fan of her fun style of couture, but not her music. I’m not sure if the problem is her, the current theme, or both. But the Hotel Cortez is a stinking ruin that begs to be dynamited!

In the Nov. 11 episode, titled ROOM 33, the Countess describes love as tasting like rose water and betrayal as having that taste of char on meat. GADZOOKS, REALLY!!! Apparently this character has been a vampire so long she has forgotten what food actually tastes like! This is way off!

In a previous blog, I revealed that I have a disorder called synesthesia causing me to taste names. For example: Rachael tastes like barley porridge, Polly tastes like scones with jam, and Irene spiked cake. Perhaps for this reason, I believe I have a better sense of how emotions actually taste than this vampire character.

Betrayal tastes like vinegar. And the bawdy lust this character refers to as love, I should think would taste more like candy to her than rose water.

I would imagine pure (non-sexual) love, the kind you feel for your father, dearest friend, or dog would taste like honey butter. Friendship tastes like sweet citrus fruit or summer berries. Happiness is hazelnut coffee topped with whipped cream, cinnamon, & a peppermint stick.

 Below are more:

 Suspicion - raw onions

 Anger -wasabi sauce

Rage- Jalapeño peppers

Terror – brain freeze after ice cream.  If it’s the good kind of fear, you want another bite!

Repulsion- sour milk

This season of American Horror Story looked like a wickedly delicious casserole until I took a bite. Several ingredients are overdone, some don’t belong and others are past their expiration date. Somehow it’s still palatable, but just barely. And it leaves a bad taste in my mouth afterward.

THE KNEES HAVE IT

Not long ago, I came across an online article titled, THIGH BROWS. Out of pure curiosity I clicked it. Sorry I did! It must have been a sluggish news day. I discovered that thigh brows (the crease where your thighs & hips meet) are supposed to be nicely rounded. Yet another new standard for beauty! Featured were over-rated, bimbo celebrities in their bikinis, a Kardashian among them.

I ran to the mirror to check mine! Despite the fact I’m pushing 65, I’ll be vain till the day I die. I’ve always taken good care of myself. -- Well, not only do mine NOT arch, they have a deep downward slant. The kind you would find on evil Dragon Ladies & demons in graphic novels. – I’m a good person, I swear!

Then I looked at the photos again. I noticed those women had THUNDER THIGHS, especially the Kardashian. Well not me! I was always embarrassed in Gym Class by my slender boy thighs. A plastic surgeon I met at a festival told me he had patients who would kill to have mine! I suspect he was just being polite, but it made me feel good.

Plus I possess the much coveted thigh gap when my feet are together. Personally, I think legs WITHOUT this space are prettier and look more feminine. I’ve always thought of this gap as a defect. Guess I was just misfortunate enough to be young during the wrong decade.

Standards of beauty keep evolving and devolving, just look at history! In ancient Greece, women with thick waists were considered more desirable than those with narrow ones. During the 1800’s plump women with ant waists were the ideal. In George Washington’s time, you were lucky to be petite and now it’s tall etc, etc, etc!

Since I’m on the subject of body parts, don’t TOES count for anything? Mine are about as perfect as can be. And I’m not talking about just ONE or TWO, by golly, I mean all TEN!!! Plus I can even pick up coins with them. Yup, no brag just fact.

I shouldn’t continue, because by now, I’m sure most readers are so envious they probably want to garrote me. Well eat your heart out!!! Because I haven’t yet revealed the feature that makes my body truly SPECIAL!  It’s my KNEES! The dimples there form actual faces. And both look like Charles Durning. (I’m not kidding!) In the left one he’s grimacing. -- Hey, Charles Durning was an extraordinary actor!!! He appeared in over 200 movies, plays, & TV shows. SO THERE!!! Aware of this knowledge, I strut with pride… Jealous much!

TALES FROM THE CRYPTOVAULT

I was robbed!  But first I was infected.  It began as I was blithely engaged in a Google search, an alarm blared! Large writing appeared on my screen. My computer was in the process of being infected! It scared the living daylights out of me! I was given an 888 number to call. “WE’RE SERIOUS DIANNE,” it read.  And my computer was FROZEN!

Computers can’t be trusted, so I phoned my Tech man, Jake. He instructed me to shut down immediately from the back. Hopefully that would end the virus! A few days later, the same thing happened. We knew this was a serious problem and something had to done.

Jake removed 2 Trojan bugs and updated my anti-virus software.  I thought I was safe!!! This occurred around the end of June.

Early July 4, I logged on to work on my blog. To my horror and confusion, I found myself locked out! Several weird pages kept popping up. Since it was a holiday weekend, I was unable to reach Jake. The rest of my computer (Email & Facebook) worked fine, so I didn’t think it was that bad.

The following morning, I reached Jake. As soon as I mentioned CRYPTOVAULT, he instructed me to shut down immediately and keep my computer off until he arrived early the next day! Unknown to me, this virus is a particularly treacherous & sophisticated one. The worst of the worst!!!  I helped spread it just by using my computer. Now I was unable to access ANY of my files!

Jake cautioned not to get my hopes up.  He was pessimistic toward any retrieval. These are tales lost forever to the Cryptovault.

Frustratingly, my files still existed, but they were being held for ransom. For about $500 I might get them back. Jake advised against it. Even if I could spare the money, it’s never a good idea to pay ransomers. There are no guarantees; they are not the highest caliber of human beings.

“These are groups of thieves who rake in billions!” Jake told me.” They’ve hit banks and big corporations that just pay them. These low lives would be easy to catch,” he explained, “Just follow the money and then impose sanctions on the countries that fail to turn them over.  Yet our government does nothing!”

 “Why would they target a little potato like me?” I was curious to know.

“It’s random,” he said. “It may have come attached to something you shared on Facebook.” 

I’ve since learned that Cryptovault can’t be stopped by anti-virus software. This is truly unnerving!

Jake took my computer home to be flushed out.  I worked on the small laptop purchased for my trips. I asked what to do if Cryptovault struck while I was out of the country. “Don’t worry,” he said, “You have no files left to steal.”

Among my stolen files were 8 completed chapters of a new book, plus a lengthy draft of another, short articles & detailed story ideas, poems, & several completed future blogs yet to be posted. Painstaking, long, tedious hours of work were lost in an instant!!! 

If someone broke into my home and stole from me, at least I’d have recourse.  But when someone steals my intellectual property no option exists, at least not in this case!

When Jake returned with my desktop, there was positive news. The FBI had just busted a ring of cyber thieves! They were probably connected to Cryptovault in some way. -- However this came too late to help me.

As for my lost work, I’ve tried to re-create the book along with other stuff, but the passion just isn’t there, anymore. Could this be a sign from the universe. Everything in those files was from my soon-to-be old life, here. Perhaps now my focus should be directed elsewhere.

HIGH TECH WRECK

OK, so the IPhone that shoots photos didn’t work out for me. Even my Tech guy Jake couldn’t get it working right! He suggested that I return it for a refund and get a digital camera.

When I opened the box, I found another elf device. Just like the phone, it was tiny!  -- I don’t like small things, I like BIG things! My near-sighted vision is getting worse all the time. Plus the directions were confusing.

At the time, all of my files had been stolen by the Cryptovault virus! Jake had to take my desktop home to flush it out. He found a small laptop for me to take on my trips. I used this in the meantime.

Naturally I had issues with the camera! I scheduled an appointment with Jake to come and give me instructions that I could actually understand. As it turned out, my new camera came with no memory! The salesman neglected to tell me I needed to buy that extra.

In a few days, Jake would be leaving for vacation. He wouldn’t be back until after I had left for mine. He suggested I return to the store and make them put in the memory and instruct me how to use it.

I phoned the place and explained my situation. The lady at the other end seemed amused. I felt old and stupid. She told me they could install the memory, but the camera had to be activated from my computer. -- This is where we hit a wall with my phone, even after I let them talk with Jake and told them he was my son!  And still the phone issues were never resolved!

I returned the camera for a gift card. Exasperated, I went with Plan C and bought several disposable ones at Walgreens. The IPhone & digital camera were a poor fit for me and nothing but a headache.

As for the laptop, it fit nicely into my tote, but that’s about all. Of course I had problems with Wi-Fi! Even when I could get connected, I was unable to open any links. This was frustrating because I like keeping up with the news. Plus I felt like I was working on a child’s toy. I needed a rubber-tipped pen to operate it because my nails are naturally long. If I hadn’t wasted so much money, I’d either throw the damn thing away or use it a coaster for my teapot.

NOW, my office computer has a dying battery, if ignored, according to Google, my computer will develop dementia.  (Notice I said my computer, not me! And yes, I still hear that mysterious sound in the walls!) This device is already showing signs, such as the calendar date not changing and when I update, it doesn’t stick! (Actually this does kind’a sound like me.) Anyway, Jake is coming to my rescue with a new battery soon.

However during my trip, I must admit, it was quite nice NOT to be connected. I felt free!!!

I am thinking how wonderful just to be retired and keep only the minimum computer stuff, my Blog, Homepage & Email! I’d remove myself from both LinkedIn & Facebook. Certainly it would be less stressful.

Every time I get one of those notices on LinkedIn stating, “Dianne, people are looking at your profile.” My paranoia kicks in. I want to scream, “Why, what are they looking at? There’s nothing to see here, go away and just keep moving!” And I know this is the wrong reaction. Plus I am grateful for every single endorsement, HONEST!

The only reason I’m still on Facebook is because I enjoy the artwork, jokes, and of course the kitten videos! But I could be out making memories instead, doing better things with my time. Besides, 90% of my so-called “Friends” are strangers.

Most of my close friends aren’t that heavily into Facebook, they enjoy lives that involve doing actual things. All I really need to stay in touch is Email, even if I’m living on another continent. Also I wouldn’t mind snail-mailing.

I’m not against progress; I just don’t like it forced on me!!!

THOUGHTS ON ECUADOR

My sojourn was an invaluable experience; despite the fact I was tired, uncomfortable, and in pain most of the time. This was especially true in the Galapagos Islands supposedly the pure vacation part of our trip. Instead it was more of an ordeal, at least for me! I’m not saying I would never return, but you’d have to twist my arm pretty hard.

However, we didn’t encounter any big problems! This was largely due to Rose. She did an impressive job of putting our trip together. And I could not have hoped for a better travel companion.

The Andes Mountains are magnificent to behold! Everything is lush and green, natural beauty is everywhere. Plus it has spring weather year round.  Should I move to Ecuador, I’d probably live in the Gringo town of Cotacachi. However the buildings and almost everything else look old, rundown, and beat up; as if they had gone thru a war and were on the losing side. This is true of the neighboring municipalities, too. (Standard Third World) As a visitor, it has a certain charm. But if I move there, will I still find it charming, or will it just be depressing.

I did not know this, but in 1995 Ecuador was at war with Peru! The Alto Cenepa War over control of territory in Peru’s Province of Condorcanqui. Ecuador won, but was later forced to relinquish the territory.

As I related this to a friend, I was warned that bad things can happen fast in the Third World! (OK, I saw the movie NO ESCAPE and my next trip is to Indochina in early 2016.) But no place on earth is safe. And I’m not expecting Shangri La!

Ecuador is currently the No. 1 spot for U.S. retirees. As I stated in a previous blog, there are 2 sets of prices. -- I’ve found this to be true right here as well! As a single woman, I’m often charged more. Plus I’ve had repair & handymen fail to show up or do lousy work at inflated prices; my single friends all report similar experiences. Another friend told me, “As a single woman on a fixed income, you either make do, or do without.” In this area, I feel as if I’ve had lots of training for the Third World… But as a Gringita alone; I’ll need to be especially careful.   

In Cotacachi, stores, including the grocery were tiny. For a variety of choices, many go to Ibarra and shop at the Supermaxi (YES, I know that sounds like a super absorbent sanitary napkin!!!) “It has everything!” I was told. – Well, it was about the size of a regular U.S. supermarket. And no, they didn’t have everything, far from it. Plus anything imported from the U.S. is exorbitantly expensive!

I’ll admit that I’m a spoiled First Worlder. I like things big, new, and shiny! And I want everything quick and convenient! Plus I enjoy having lots of choices. I love my life in Vero Beach and I especially love my house! To be honest, I don’t want to move anywhere. Unfortunately due to inflation, my age and the cost of Healthcare, I can’t!

Leaving this country is strictly based on financial necessity. The closest thing I can compare it to is a shotgun marriage. It’s going to be a major adjustment!

Plus I’d like to give up driving. Traffic is getting worse here all the time! My old car is showing its age and I’m starting to feel mine. Public transportation is cheaper and more available in developing countries. Most retired Expats in Ecuador do NOT own cars.

Also I’d like to do some traveling while I still have my health. After my experience in the Galapagos, I can understand why older people don’t want to anymore. But there are still places on the globe I want to see!

Recently, I read in our local newspaper that property taxes will rise by nearly 8% in 2016. All signs point that I need to go, whether I want to or not!

In Cotacachi we met with a Realtor, a man named Patricio. He took us to a high-end gated community for Expats. The landscaping evoked images of the Garden of Eden with the breathtaking Andes Mountains surrounding it. The place had a dreamlike, ethereal quality. The lady in the office told us, “We’re not selling homes, we’re selling a lifestyle.” -- Well it’s certainly a lifestyle I can’t afford!!! After we left, I asked Patricio to show me some places for RENT in MY price range.

“Not until you’re serious about moving here,” he curtly replied. As he dropped us off downtown he demanded a $25 fee for his services. In retrospect, we should have given him a hard time about this, but we were blindsided by this rip-off artist. Patricio had been recommended by one of our guides. He was probably a relative.

However, Expats assured me I’d be able to find a comfortable place on my income. Plus I could even afford a maid! Everyone we spoke with said they were happy with their decision to relocate. However, one stated, “You’ll be happy here only after you accept the fact that nothing will ever be done the way you want, when you want!” -- Sounds like a deal breaker to me.

Utility bills are low, but this is strictly a cash society. No one trusts checks! You must show up each month at their office with cash in hand, I am told. Incredibly, the U.S. Dollar is their currency! Sacagawea coins are in common use there. They would NOT accept these at the Post Office after I returned. Guess North Americans just don’t appreciate a genuine American heroine!

We witnessed several funerals in procession; one in the Andes, another in the Galapagos. A casket was carried down the streets with a long line of mourners following behind. – They don’t boogie like in New Orleans. Everyone was somber.

Ecuador is the rose capitol of the world! A dozen beautiful (all variety of colors) long stem ones can be purchased for just $1. I heard that in the big cities it’s $2. That’s still astounding! – I was in the Florist Business during the 1970’s and they went for as much as $70 a dozen during major holidays.

The food is tasty and inexpensive, depending on where you eat of course. Pizza is popular and was sold everywhere we went, which makes me happy!  I want my last meal on this planet to be a goat cheese pizza with Portobello mushrooms & lots of garlic! -- When they throw me in the crematory oven I want the entire funeral home to smell like a pizzeria! 

In Ibarra, we stopped for ice cream. Before us were exotic flavors & combinations I’d never heard of before, too many to try. We chose a delicious one with coconut cream, fruit pieces, & nuts.

ALL throughout Ecuador, even in the capitol city of Quito and the Galapagos Islands you hear roosters crowing at ALL hours! I think the rooster should be the national bird instead of the Andean condor. An Expat told us, “You’ll never experience a quiet night here, Ecuador is noisy.”-- Actually many nights would have been quiet except for those damn roosters! I’m starting to change my mind regarding cockfighting!!!

Up in the Andes, the Ecuadorans are certainly an affectionate people.  Nearly everyone from taxi drivers, guides, and hotel staff would hug us and kiss our cheeks every time we departed.  – In my family we don’t even do that with relatives!

After returning home, Florida received its first serious hurricane threat. Fortunately, it turned out to be a non-event. (Whew!) We’d been told to stock up on bottled water. However I always fill  old milk jugs & juice bottles with tap water 24 hours before landfall. Unless I’m in a Third World country, I refuse to buy the bottled kind!

I want to see Thailand before I reach any decisions.  Also I haven’t ruled out, Mexico!

ELEVEN DAYS IN SOUTH AMERICA: THE GALAPAGOS

The Galapagos Islands are 600 miles off the coast of Ecuador. After landing, we gained yet another hour which we would lose upon returning to Fort Lauderdale.

As we left the airport on the humid cactus-covered island of Baltra, we boarded a crowded bus. Many were forced to stand. Wasps were flying around our heads. From there, we were crammed onto a ferry and taken to Isla Santa Cruz.

The Galapagos is truly an international spot.  We encountered people from all over the globe!

Taxis there are white pick-up trucks. After 10 minutes of stepping inside one, our driver ran out of gas!!! The truck sputtered to a stop.  Most of the road was dirt with jungle on each side.  The weather was hot and there was no A.C.! Our driver was unable to get reception on his cell phone. On pure fumes alone, he managed to get us up hills praying all the way and then coasting down. It was truly a miracle!!!

As we entered the town of Puerto Ayora we cheered for joy at the sight of a gas station!  Our hotel was only a few miles away.

Although the Galapagos is an expensive place, this hotel was the cheapest one of our trip, plus the price included breakfast. But here, we were charged for bottled water. However, there was a water-cooler at the end of our hall and we’d sneak over and fill our empty bottles. We saw other guests doing likewise.

Somehow, I ended up with a large double room. Rose had a small one next door. But the walls were paper thin! I chose the room closest to the bath.  Around 11:30 PM my neighbors started blasting loud rock music.  Exhausted and in pain, I sat up and started screaming at the top of my lungs! Rose thought someone was being murdered and called the front desk.  By this time, I had moved into my other bedroom.

Our views were crappy, overlooking air conditioning units. But we were so grateful for the low price; we just kept our drapes closed.

From our hotel roof, the ocean appeared close. However walking there on sore swollen feet & ankles, it felt miles away! To get there, we had to walk down a long dirt road under construction. I call it Dirt Street and I can still feel it in my nightmares!

I had purchased a pair of flip-flops for my banged-up swollen feet.  By now it had become too difficult fitting into my Hush Puppies.

At the pier we boarded a boat to Playa de los Alimanes.  We hiked numerous raw & wild nature trails. I groaned in pain every which way!  Once, I slipped on a steep lava rock and grabbed the closest thing to me, which turned out to be a cactus! We came upon a scenic spot called Las Grietas; inside a natural rock formation was a lake & stream with water so clear you could see the fish in detail.

In the afternoon, we visited the Charles Darwin Nature Preserve. Afterward we strolled along the beach.

Also we booked tours to different isles.  On the map, the Galapagos Islands look close together; however with some exceptions, most are hours apart by boat and each excursion lasted a full day.  One could be there an entire month and not see everything! Plus these excursions were expensive!  Rose managed to negotiate ours down by $10 each.

Our first excursion was to Daphne Major, Pinzon, & Bahia Borrero. I didn’t know it until after I paid, but this was a snorkeling trip! -- I’m a good swimmer because nature equipped me with floatation devices in the front & back, but it freaks me out to have my head under water!

After I put on the goggles & mouthpiece and jumped into the water, I couldn’t see and I couldn’t breathe, plus the Pacific is cold! And every time I put my face under, the mouthpiece kept coming out and I was swallowing water!  (I couldn’t believe people actually thought this was fun!) The guide told me, “Put your face under again and see all those fish!”

I screamed at him, “I’m from Florida, I’ve seen fish before! Take me back to the boat!” I sat shivering as the greasy SPF 50 sunscreen stung & burned my eyes. My nose ran like a faucet. I was given a cup of lukewarm tea.

Eventually, everyone returned to the boat exclaiming how awesome was the experience! – Well that was hardly the word I’d use!!!

Next, we went to Pinzon for more snorkeling. This time I stayed on the boat and took pictures. I saw seals swimming out to greet the snorkelers and try to play with them. But they had been instructed to ignore them. 

As we left, the guide threw out a line to catch fish. One small grouper was hooked and released.

After a cold lunch on the boat, we landed on Bahia Borrero. We stepped onto a pristine stretch of beach. We were told the sand was so fine because it was actually fish poop! I went for a swim in the cold water. I even put my head under a few times hoping to wash off that greasy stinging sunscreen. Rose said I was probably allergic or I wouldn’t be having that reaction.

Also I had painful sunburns on exposed places where I neglected to put sunscreen.  Remember, this was right on the equator in August!

After returning to Puerto Ayora, we paid the guide extra to stop at a lava cave. It started raining. I was in my tankini and a long sweater and was cold. I thought we were going to see fire shooting out of one end like something from of Dante’s Inferno. Instead, the cave was just a seemingly endless, wide dark tunnel formed by flowing lava.

Inside, it was pitch dark most of the way with dim lights mounted far & few between. We needed the light from Rose’s cell phone just to see where we were going.  Jagged, damp, slippery lava rocks of all sizes were everywhere with a narrow stream in the middle as water leaked down from above. This tunnel seemed to stretch on forever! My nose was streaming the entire way! Eventually, we came upon a high stack of sharp, slippery lava rocks and had to climb carefully to get out.

After we returned to the hotel, my swollen feet and ankles were caked with blood.

The following day, we had excursion to Isla Isabella starting at 8:00 AM. We boarded a ferry to our boat which was swaying in the choppy water and jumped on board! – The previous day, we had to jump on several rolling boats to reach ours and I was wincing in pain with each leap!

After everyone was seated, the boat shot off at what must have been 60 MPH (at least) over huge rolling swells!  This was a wild, bumpy, often heart-stopping ride!  It was fun for only the first 15 minutes, imagine over 2 hours of this! I was grateful for the motion sickness pills.

This excursion was more of a sightseeing tour, although we stopped for a half hour in a picturesque lagoon for snorkelers.  This time, 5 other people waited on the boat.

Isla Isabella was amazing! There are 5 active volcanoes on this island. Lichen covered the volcano shards that arose from the ground. We stopped at a pretty flamingo lagoon, a turtle breeding center, also Conchay Perla.

On these excursions, we saw lots of exotic wildlife such as Galapagos penguins, blue-footed Boobies, iguanas, seals, sea lions, & of course gigantic Galapagos tortoises.

By late afternoon on the Isabella tour, I was in tremendous pain. Plus all those 4:00 AM starts and lack of naps started to kick-in. I’d seen enough giant tortoises & iguanas, so I returned to the bus and slept.

After we returned to dock, I was reminded of the miserable, bumpy 2 hour plus ride back to Puerto Ayora so I went looking for a bathroom.  One was at the end of an elevated walkway.  A big sea lion was stretched out right in the middle! Well, he wasn’t going to detour me! I tried not to bother him. But I think the bottom of my long skirt may have brushed against him. He made it clear that he didn’t like my walking back & forth! I was fortunate he didn’t bite me in the ankle!

After we returned to the boat, Rose found a spot in a corner where I could take off my flip-flops and curl up. Despite the wild & bumpy ride, I fell fast asleep.  People were astounded. Even crew members came to stare at me in amazement, I am told. Because it was like sleeping on a roller coaster!!! As we approached Isla Santa Cruz, Rose shook me awake. Every eye on the boat was fixed on me. -- They probably thought I was dead!!! While I snoozed, several people had thrown up, I heard. Glad I missed it!

One of our favorite places to eat was a Peruvian restaurant on Ocean Street. One evening we were treated to a floor show. Couples in elaborate native costumes performed various dances for us. The last performers were 3 ladies balancing tall dolls on their heads.

Afterward, one of the dancers came to our table and placed her doll upon it. She extended her hand to me.  I pointed down at my feet and then to Rose, “Take her,” I said.  The dancer took one look at my hideous, bloody, swollen feet & ankles, and apologized.

Rose got up and shook her tushy to a Peruvian beat.  She made me proud!

Our final day in the Galapagos, we both felt like one giant bruise. We decided to take it easy and just explore the little shops around Puerto Ayora.

The following one, was another starting at 4:00 AM. Plus the day was stressful as well as long. We had to be crammed onto the ferry again, before boarding an over-crowded bus to the airport. Running late, we left Baltra and landed in Guayaquil 1 hour rather than the 2 hours required.

The airport was adorned with beautiful tropical waterfalls lining the baggage claim area. However, the rest of it was covered in tacky advertisements for all manner of products! The listed schedules had these rather than airline names. We had difficulty locating our gate.  At customs we were questioned repeatedly. Rose’s detergent pods created suspicion and a female agent felt between my breasts. We were happy to finally board our plane for home.

Rock’n Rose & I returned to Fort Lauderdale Aug 13 around 10:00 PM. The weather was just as rainy & hot as when we had left. We were too tired to make the 3 hour drive up to Vero Beach, so we stayed the night there.

This was a big relief!  I didn’t relish coming home to a dark house and hobbling outside with a flashlight to turn my water back on; although I did braver things during the hurricanes.

We returned home to Florida in time for peak hurricane season.  Despite the El Nino effect, this looks to be an active one!

ELEVEN DAYS IN SOUTH AMERICA

Rose & I flew via TAME (pronounced Tah-may) Ecuador’s largest airline. Rose signed us up with the U.S. Embassy in case of emergency. We brought altitude sickness medication for the Andes & motion sickness pills for the Galapagos Islands.

As the plane began descending, the sight of the Andes Mountains rising high above the clouds took our breath away.  Suddenly we knew we weren’t in Florida anymore!  After a 4 hour, 15 min flight, we landed in Quito, Ecuador’s Capitol. We had gained an hour!

It took us 45 minutes to get thru customs.  We worried the Taxi driver sent by the hotel would not wait. Thankfully he was reliable! Like most of the men we encountered, he was an indigenous Indian with a long braid down his back. 

 

Our 2 hour drive thru the Andes was jaw-dropping, filled with breathtaking beauty in every direction! We marveled at the sight of an ice-capped volcano, remarkable because we were right on the equator.

The highways connecting the cities were in better condition than the ones here!  In the villages however, streets were old, narrow cobblestone and often blocked by animals such as horses, cows, goats, or pigs. Drivers are slow and careful, there.

We passed thru the bustling municipality of Otavalo before we reached our destination, Cotacachi, the scenic little town between the 2 extinct volcanoes.

Our sprawling hotel with the all the magnificent views turned out to be an expensive one!  They were not forthcoming with Rose about additional costs. Despite its size, for the first 2 days we were the ONLY guests there. Later, 2 men (also from Florida) in the import/export business checked in.

In town, we discovered lots of dirt cheap, but clean hotels & hostels available.  But unfortunately, none of them advertise on the Internet!

On the plus side, all meals were included and they fed us well!  We made them cut back because we weren’t used to such large meals and we wanted to fit into our clothes! 

The most delicious variety of fruit juices were served and they were pure, no fructose taste!  Also throughout Ecuador was a tasty soup made from potatoes, fried corn, cheese, & avocados.

 

It felt strange after all these decades to be back in a country where there's a big difference between washing water and drinking water.

The hotel staff was just as nice as they could be and went out of their way to make us happy. 

Thru our hotel we were able to get English-speaking guides to take us on sightseeing tours of  Ibarra & Otavalo as well as Cotacachi. We viewed plenty of snow-capped mountains as well as beautiful glacier lakes. We toured a 300 year old colonial mansion with gorgeous floral landscaping and other glorious gardens.  We did lots of climbing as well as walking.

At a red light in Ibarra, a juggler stepped out in front of the cars to give us a performance. After the light changed, he approached car windows for tips.

We saw a few reckless drivers, but no more than here.  Their highways are patrolled with astronomical fines for speeding.

In Otavalo, I consulted with an Immigration Attorney. Expatriating will not be a fast or easy process.  Afterward, Rose & I shopped in the gigantic open market there.  It was a colorful place filled with all manner of interesting and unusual local merchandise, including exotic fruit and aromatic food.

You can haggle prices in the open markets, but not in the stores.  In 9 out of 10 places, prices are unlisted and you must ask.  The purpose for this, (I believe) is to gouge the Gringo! We were constantly warned that there are 2 sets of prices and I need to remember this when looking for a place to rent.

We asked if Gringos are resented.  The guide said, “No, we love all people and enjoy the multi-cultural aspect.”

However, another guide told me, “Do not move anywhere near the Indigenous people, they do NOT like Expats!”  He went on to tell of a housing development under construction, but was forced to shut down after armed natives descended with machetes. -- U.S. retiree trash unwelcome!  Ecuadoran prices have been inflated tremendously because of us.  Within his memory, there was a time one could purchase a decent meal for 2 cents, but no more!

With some trepidation, Rose & I went on a tour of the indigenous villages. The people there were friendly and welcoming to us.  We were even treated to a concert with handmade musical instruments. We watched in fascination as they created various crafts: jewelry, scarves, bags, blankets, & hammocks etc. by hand. -- I had just received the shocking cost of my A.C. repair, so unlike Rose, my purse remained closed!

I made certain to bring plenty of bandages for my new walking shoes. But the Hush Puppies turned out to be a poor choice for Ecuador. They just weren’t suited for cobblestone streets, climbing lava rocks, or jumping on & off boats! -- I ended up paying the price for this.

Early on, a cocky Expat took us on a walking tour over every inch of downtown Cotacachi.  My feet hurt terribly and I couldn’t keep up. But he didn’t care if I was limping like a gimp, he kept pushing us on.  After long painful hours, Rose told him, “Enough!”  We were tired.  We took a cab back to our hotel.  My feet and ankles were now swollen and remained so for the rest of the trip.

Besides inappropriate walking shoes, I didn’t bring enough warm clothes!  I’d read that afternoons were hot.  Well, it got warm for about 2 hours in the late afternoon, the rest of the time it was cold by Florida standards!  I layered my clothes.  Most of my tops were large because I was wearing special underwear with concealed pockets.  We’d been warned that Ecuador was rife with pickpockets!  But we felt much safer than expected.

On the road to Ibarra, I asked where people buy clothes because I saw no Malls or big clothing stores.  “Columbia!” I was told. Our driver said he arranged tours across the border because it wasn’t that far and everything was so much cheaper.  He swore it is safe!

Aug. 7 we left Cotacachi for the long drive back to Quito where we would spend the night. This being a large municipality and the Capitol, it had more amenities than Cotacachi. We arrived early enough to enjoy an expansive tour of the city and surrounding area. Of special note, we saw the Cotopaxi volcano that began erupting just after we returned home.

The following AM, we had a long Taxi drive thru heavy traffic to catch our plane to Guayaquil.

At the airport in Quito, we were charged an extra $20. because of our destination, the Galapagos Islands. Rose & I didn’t have to depart our plane in Guayaquil this time, but many did.  Most of those who boarded for the islands were Gringos like us.

After we landed in Baltra, we had to shell out an extra $100. just to step outside the airport on the Galapagos.

To be continued….

THE DAY BEFORE ECUADOR

My traveling companion was my friend, Rose. She is probably the smartest woman God ever created!  If we could find a way to get her elected President, Rose would probably solve all our country’s problems in just one term! (I still can’t figure out why she wants to hang around with me.) Anyway, Rose put our entire trip together herself. She even speaks a little Spanish.

We ended up leaving a day before our original schedule. The airline had cancelled our flight messing up our reservations!  Now we had an extra day up in the Andes, which was OK with me.

The first weekend in August 2015, I was stressed and busy with last minute packing, frantic that I’d forgotten something.

Around 4:00 PM Sun. Aug 2, Rose phoned to say she was on her way to my house.  We had a long drive ahead to the hotel in Fort Lauderdale. Outside it was storming!  I ran out with an umbrella to quickly shut off the water to my home. Getting drenched and stuck in mud, I realized I needed both hands to do it.  I came back and slipped on my hooded rain poncho.

Outside, I noticed the fan on my air-conditioner wasn’t moving!!!

The Friday before, it made a bizarre shrill noise as I was preparing a late afternoon meal. I turned it off until I became too sweaty.  When I switched it back on, everything seemed to be working fine.  I phoned the A. C. Company and inquired if I had a problem.  I was told that a twig or reptile may have been caught and it was probably OK now, but to watch it.  Saturday, my house was comfortably cool, so I didn’t worry.

But now, I realized I had a big problem and Rose was on her way!  I would be coming home to a sweltering and moldy house!

When she arrived, Brian, (Rose’s husband) was following behind in his car. Thankfully, he agreed to find someone to repair my A.C. before my return.  He followed us to Fort Pierce where he treated us to a big delicious dinner as a send-off.

Afterward, we said good-bye to Brian before heading south to Fort Lauderdale in the pouring rain. Traffic was heavy and it was getting dark.  We were relieved to finally reach our hotel.  The next morning would be the beginning of several 4:00 AM starts!