DESPAIR & REPAIRS

In my search for a repairman, I took six names & phone numbers from the Services Offered section of the local newspaper. Out of these six I managed to get one person who gave me an actual estimate. -- This is not going to be an inexpensive job by any means!

The first who came out didn't want the job because I refused to allow a forklift on my property. --The last one in 2003 cracked my driveway and busted my sprinkler heads! I ended up agreeing not to sue for damages as planned in order to get them back to finish the work. They had up and left for another job. "A more important one" I was told. That job took almost six months! It should have been completed in ONE!

A scaffold would work better here than a forklift, anyway.

One of the six assured me he'd call back to schedule a time to come over, but never did. Another man called back and scheduled a time, but never showed up!

When these guys change their mind I wish they would be considerate enough to phone and give me a good lie. Such as: I've been called out of town OR a family emergency has come up. It's better than inconveniencing me!

The other two never called me back, period!

I've encountered this same problem in the past with handymen for SIMPLE jobs. And I've had several who gave me estimates whom I hired that never bothered to show up or return my phone calls to explain. Thankfully, there was no deposit in those cases!

Many of my single women friends have experienced these same issues!

Silly me! I thought the whole idea of advertising in the newspaper was to drum up business! Are these guys so besieged and overwhelmed with job offers that they can't get around to everyone? Whatever, I'm not chasing after anyone who isn't interested in the work!

I was all set to hire that one man who showed up and gave a professional estimate. It was not out of line pricewise. But then I Googled him! He had an arrest record, Drunken Disorderly Conduct in 2016. I saw his photo in a mug shot.

Thankfully, my financial advisor came up with someone. That man declared my house to be a project! Lots of rotting wood was painted over, some was replaced, but not primed, so the paint is bubbling. -- That must be the handiwork of the church-going carpenter. The one so skilled he could cherry-pick his jobs; or so I was told.

Now it's peak hurricane season and my anxiety level is right thru the roof of my cathedral ceiling! Both this repairman & I agree that any work should start after the season. A major hurricane would undo repairs, or my house might be left in ruins! This is not the tranquil, uneventful season for which we had all hoped.

OH BABY, I DIG IT & GAG ME WITH A SPOON

If you are under age 60, stop reading now & go away. You're not going to be able to relate to anything here. But if you belong to the proper age group listen up, or rather keep reading. I have valuable info for you. I am greatly enjoying my second childhood, most of the time anyway! 

Think back to the 1950's, remember the Gerber baby foods that came in the tiny glass jars? I was a picky eater with the opposite weight problem from most children. I was a bag of bones! Because of this, I was still given these at age 4 to supplement meals.

Also by age 4, I was a habitual coffee drinker. (My parent's didn't think it was a big deal.) In my mind, I was too big and declared myself too old for that namby-pamby baby food. But of course the decision wasn't mine.

Fast forward many decades later, I was 50 years old during my father's final summer. He succumbed to cancer the following October. Dad had almost zero appetite for solid foods. He drank a can of Ensure 3 times a day and I made him fruit smoothies. A neighbor suggested giving him baby food throughout the day. It would provide more nutrients and go down easier.

But Dad was unreceptive to the idea. He was a manly-man who didn't want me giving him any sissy-ass baby food! Damn it! I was flustered; he gave half of every meal to the dog. And the Vet was already upset with me because she was too fat!

Since I'm on the subject, I recall an actress who stated that her dog was only feed baby food.

My family had a dog before I was born which I refer to as "The Dog of Legend." As a boy, my father received it as a puppy. Later Dad married, my brother was born, and my father was drafted into the army during WWII. In 1946 Dad returned from occupied Japan never expecting the dog (now 20 years old) to still be alive. But there it was to greet him and lived for several years after that!

This dog according to my family ate everything they did! Canned canine food didn't even exist then! I firmly believe a dog's (or cat's) diet should never be limited. They enjoy variety just as we do!

Now that I'm 2 years over the 65 mark, maintaining my health is foremost in my life. Doctors & hospitals are expensive and I lack even the basic financial safety net.

My diet has been completely overhauled! The newest twist is baby food! I wanted something that wasn't just empty calories whenever I craved a snack! And it doesn't trigger my acid reflux. Plus these are tasty & better than my old stand-by's of potato chips or cheetos.

Gerber's Autumn Vegetable Turkey is great for dipping; broccoli, celery, carrots, etc. Also you can dip bread, cheese sticks, turkey strips, etc. The Herb Vegetable Pasta Chicken I sometimes use as a sauce over ravioli & tortellini.

I love that these can also be enjoyed at room temperature. This is a blessing during hurricane season when the electricity is out for days or even a week!

Also you get a nifty little reusable plastic container with a lid! (No more glass jars.) These can be used a variety of ways! Fill them with grapes, cherries, olives, nuts/trail mix, M&M's, vitamins, etc; for a work snack, a short trip, or a picnic. Or use them to store pins, paper clips, tacks, buttons, loose change, etc; their uses are endless!

I've heard some nasty news recently about traces of lead in these meals. But I was a kid who ate lead paint chips at my grandmother's house. Hey, it was only for a few days! And it was downright tasty compared to the food there. Hopefully, now that this has come to light something will be done.

I purchase the ones under the "Crawler" label although that doesn't apply to me. No Life Alert bracelet for this senior citizen, if I fall on the floor I can still get up.  Har! Har!

FAIRY TALES & R-RATED TAIL

For awhile the trend seemed to be updating old fairy tales into adult versions on TV & movies. I watched Once Upon A Time for the novelty of it. Supposedly, it was to appeal to both children & adults, but from where I sat it failed on both counts.

The show was too raunchy for children. I am not a mother, but if I was, I'd never let my kids watch anything where fairy tale characters were so heavily into adultery & fornicating. It was often aired at 7:00 PM on Sundays. Gadzooks! This was Disney hour when I was growing up. Guess it's all part of the sleazing down of our society. Take away the adult parts and you were left with childish, even silly plots. This show always left me disappointed and disgusted. Plus the casting was goofy!

I have no problem with adult versions, variations, updates, or distortions of fairy tales, but these should be STRICTLY FOR ADULTS! -- And mature teens, if you can find one.

I'll admit that I don't watch stand-up comedy on cable anymore. Few of these comedians are funny, the majority are dirty, mostly it's smut with little wit, just filthy dumbed down humor.

However recently, I saw a clever and well performed adult's only re-telling of Little Red Riding Hood. This deformed and grotesque version was titled Freeway made in 1996 starring Reese Witherspoon. She was as cute, sexy, and tough as she could be.

Reese played a teenage juvenile delinquent slated to return to foster care after her hooker mother and drug addicted, child-molesting step-father are arrested. The character escapes and heads to her grandmother's place in a rundown trailer park.

Along the way her car breaks down and a too-nice-to-be-true man comes to her rescue. He gives her a ride along with uplifting avuncular conversation. But soon his true colors emerge! He's actually a serial killer with a predilection for teenage girls.

Of course the ending was predictable, but the journey was entertaining no less.

Hmmn, this gives me an idea! How about a full blown adult update of Snow White! In this version, Snow White would be a hooker beaten up by her pimp (an evil step-father) and thrown in a ditch to die. She is saved by 7 midgets who are circus acrobats and skilled in the martial arts. They teach her their ways as she recovers. Once healed, she wreaks bloody havoc and revenge on her step-dad along with a list of johns who mistreated her. Afterward, she shows her gratitude to the 7 midgets as only a professional woman can.

Perhaps this already has been done, but a similar premise might still be fun. The variations, twists, and spins on these old tales are endless.

As I watched Freeway, I chuckled. This felt like a bedtime story to me in my old age. No matter how engrossing the plot, once I throw my head back on my recliner I'm out like the proverbial light in no time. But thanks to the miracle of my DVR I don't have to miss anything! Then I can go right back to sleep zzzzzzzzzz, snore!