THE MANY MARRIAGES OF M.

　
My long-time friend Margaret was coming for another visit. I was taking her as my guest to one of the Celtic Society luncheons. This was late in 2002 and they still had live entertainment. Later, they featured what their newsletter described as, "Our engrossing speaker of the month." Or as I call it, "Their comatosing speaker of the month."

Anyway, Celtic dancers would be performing. Since Margaret had been a dancer in her youth I thought she might enjoy it.

"Am I going to see that ex-boyfriend of yours? The one who brought his mom on all your dates." She snickered. "That is so funny! If he had gotten fresh with you his mother would probably have slapped him."

"No," I said. "He and his little cuckoo clan ceased attending after we broke up. Maybe they were embarrassed. Or at least they should have been! Nuts to them. I wish you lived closer, so you could join."

"No thank you!" she exclaimed. "My 1st husband was Scottish. He used to get drunk, then beat me black and blue!"

"What, another one?! Who is this guy, now?" I was starting to get confused. "I always assumed the husband who hit you before Fred was the controlling German guy!"

"No, Klaus was just bossy," she replied. "Sean the Scott was a singer. We met back when I was dancing professionally. I married him because I fell in love with his voice. It was enrapturing!"

My mouth dropped. "Every time I see you of late I hear of a different husband! Are there any more you plan to spring on me?"

"No." She sighed. "Just 4. Jim, my 3rd would have been my husband for life had he not died from that heart attack."

"For decades, I thought Fred had been your only husband!" I said. "Fred the doctor. Since moving to Vero I've leaned about all these other guys and divorces."

"Well I was embarrassed," she replied. "I was raised strictly during a different era. And a divorced woman was frowned upon."

"Fred seems to be the one who made the most lasting impression," I pointed out. "You've certainly been the most vocal about him."

"He hurt me the most deeply," she murmured.

"But he's part of your past, now," I reminded her. "You really need to let go."

"See these." She tilted her head to reveal gorgeous topaz earrings. "They're from his new wife Mitzi. She wants a friendship with me, but I don't want one with her!"

"But you'll accept her gifts," I retorted. "She's probably just trying to keep things civil," I said. "Remember, she's not the woman who broke up your marriage! She came later. So cut her some slack!"

"Still, I don't want to be friends with the woman who is sleeping with my husband!" Margaret snapped. "She's the one now savoring the lifestyle we enjoyed together!... After Fred's nurse went back to her husband, I thought he would return to me."

"I'd never want a man back who slugged me," I declared with an indignant sniff.

"Fred only did that once, unlike Sean," she admitted. "Otherwise we had a marvelous life."

"Men only get meaner with age," I asserted. "That was sure true of my father."

"The period after our divorce was the worst in my life." She grimaced.

"Yes, I remember. That's when we 1st met." I recalled it vividly.

"Oh I've had marriage proposals since then. But I just wasn't feeling it. One guy told me it would be wise to combine our assets." She frowned.

"How romantic," I replied. "But you can't fault him for being practical. Some people need to wed for financial reasons. That's why others keep telling me to get married. But I'm just not wired for it...The only way I could ever have a husband is if the guy lived in another town. And came to visit once a month! -- To fix things around the house. Then take me out to dinner."

"What about sex?" she was curious to know.

"He'd have to get a girlfriend on the side just like my father," I told her.

She chortled and gave me a playful slap on the arm. "It's ironic." She sighed. "I've always dreaded the thought of being alone. Now that I am old and alone, I feel freer. I do enjoy my life! I must admit that. I can spend my time doing exactly what I want. No one is around to bother me."

"Right on, sister!' I said. "You're preaching to the choir."

SWEET DECEIT

In honor of Valentine's Day I bought myself a big box of Lindt chocolate truffles. And that's exactly what I got, too. Mostly just box! It was around 11 inches by 8 inches with just 13 pieces of chocolate inside. -- Talk about deceptive packaging!!! If the box had been half that size it still would have been too roomy for its content.

Growing up I remember those heavenly boxes of Whitman's Sampler. They were crammed with delicious chocolates, TWO layers, no less!

At age 8, I brought out my Whitman's to share with a friend. When I opened the box and only 3 candies remained her face fell in disappointment. As I ripped off the paper revealing a plentiful layer below she gasped in astonishment. I felt like a magician!

Several years later, I clandestinely walked into town and purchased an entire box just for me! It cost $2.. I hid it in my room and had a secret stash to enjoy.

Anyone who knows me, also knows I have an addiction to sweets just as strong as an alcoholic's craving for liquor. I even bought myself a decorated cake for Mother's Day even though I have never been a mother. Also I delight in Valentine's Day despite the fact I rarely date. The candy is just too darn good. How can you not love this holiday!

I get scolded all the time, but I look at it this way; I've never smoked, I don't like the taste of alcohol, and I've never found men's flesh to be all that enticing. I need one vice, or otherwise I'd be perfect. I've never had a weight problem.

Yes, I've been warned about diabetes. But I'd rather be dead than give up what I enjoy most. And I do make concessions for the sake of my health. Every other night I try to eat a low-fat dessert such as yogurt. But those teeny-weeny Yoplait cups are expensive and don't even dent my yen. Store brand yogurt is a better value, plus I don't end up eating two. Fruited jello is another great low-fat dessert. Biscotti is low in calories, and 4 meringue cookies only equals 110 calories.

I've read articles saying that whenever you have a sweet craving to do something else you enjoy instead. Such as watch a movie, dance, read a book, or play with your pet. Well I do all those things, but I still lust for that cookie or cupcake, or some other sweet thing -- I only eat them after a meal as dessert. I'm not a snacker. Also I'm a fanatical toothbrusher & flosser!

I fantasize about sugary treats in my sleep. Sometimes I wake up with drool all over my chin and pillow because I was having a sweet dream. I could actually taste the chocolate, pastry, or ice cream as I slept.

I read in the newspaper that in 20 yrs chocolate will be as expensive as caviar and only the rich will be able to afford it. I just hope I die before that happens!

A religious acquaintance told me of someone who died, went to Heaven, and then returned to life. This lucky soul related experiences of enjoying sweet-tasting treats in the afterlife! -- I can hardly wait!

Streets of gold do not impress me. In my concept of Heaven, the roads would be paved with chocolate, both white & dark. Mansions would be made from brownies, gingerbread and cookies. Dew falls as powdered sugar. The trees and shrubs would be candied cakes topped with buttercream frosting. Everywhere there would be ponds & lakes of pink lemonade & flavored syrups. Snow would be multi-flavored ice cream, as would the popsicle icicles. And I would spend all of eternity eating my way through it! Ah, paradise.

Oh wait, that falls under the heading of GLUTTONY! One of the SEVEN DEADLY SINS. Yikes!!!
　
　

HE & ME & MOM MAKES THREE

I was new to the Celtic Society, still attending as a guest. As I walked into the crowded dining room, I noticed an elderly lady smiling at me.

"You're beautiful!" she exclaimed.

I smiled back, and asked if I could sit at her table.

She nodded. " But 2 chairs are reserved for my son and daughter," she told me. " They're out in the lobby."

Her name was "Edith". We began to chat. I explained that I had recently lost my father. Also that I had no family in the area.

"We're going to adopt you!" she said, clutching my wrist.

A tall man approached. She introduced him as her son, "Alan". He was only a few years older than I am. He bent to shake my hand.

"I couldn't believe what I was seeing," he told me. " A gorgeous redhead was seated next to me."

At that moment her daughter arrived. I'll call her "Loony June" for reasons that will become more apparent. I had noticed her before, but not the other two. Something about her had always seemed off to me. Her hair and attire were styled like a cast member from the old TV series MAMA'S FAMILY. She was overly fond of ruffles and bows.

At the time, she seemed pleasant enough. We even talked about getting together. We exchanged phone numbers.

The Celtic Society announced an upcoming concert in a few weeks. Alan asked if I would like go. I said yes, and we also exchanged numbers.

About a week later, hearing nothing from either. I gave the sister a call. After only a few rings, she answered and screeched hysterically into the receiver, "Who the hell are you and what do you want?!"

I was stunned. I introduced myself, and asked if she remembered me. There was a long silence. Then she hung up. I did not call back!

A few days later, Alan phoned. I related my experience with his sister. I asked if she was OK. He apologized, then admitted she had a drinking problem.

The evening of the concert arrived. I was excited when Alan came to my door. As I walked toward the car I was dismayed to see his mom in the front seat, and his sister in the back. I was instructed to sit in the back with Loony June.

The concert was enjoyable and everyone was pleasant. I invited the 3 of them for lunch at my house the following week.

Just Mom and Alan arrived. I was told L.J. had made other plans. Mommy Edith dominated most of the conversation. I noticed she frequently asked the same questions repeatedly. I wondered if Alan was in denial about her dementia the way my father was with my stepmother.

I mentioned that I enjoy going to movies. Alan said there was one he wanted to see. He asked me along. I was thrilled.

When he picked me up, his mom was again in the front seat. And I was again instructed to sit in the back! His mother even offered to let me have the front. -- But Alan told her to stay put! That really bugged me!

I couldn't believe it! This seemed like a stale sitcom device, not reality!

My friends all told me that should have been our final date! But I really liked Alan. We had so many interests in common. Also I knew as long as Mom was in the picture, he couldn't get serious about me. That was a big plus!

After the film, they took me to see their condo. It was only a few blocks away. Mom Edith gave me a tour. I noticed it only had 1 bedroom. I inquired as to where Alan slept.

He pointed to the sofa. "It folds out," he explained.

I mentioned another movie I planned to see when it came to town. Alan offered to take me. "In fact, we'll all go!" he announced.

Later, I asked Alan if we couldn't have an actual date with just the 2 of us and no other family members involved. He became defensive.

"Mom cannot be left alone," he told me. "Should she ever fall and hurt herself, I'd never forgive myself!"

"Why can't your sister take her for an afternoon?" I asked.

"Oh June is too busy!" he replied.

I learned later Mom and Loony June didn't get along. Also Edith's constant repeating probably drove her up the walls as it did me.

Alan often vented about his ex-wife. His ex resented the fact that he was so close to his family. For that reason alone, he thought she was just a horrible, evil person. -- But I was beginning to have lots of sympathy for her.

Dodger Pines Country Club was about to close forever. Our final luncheon there was coming up. The Celtic Society was planning a special event with a local band of young men noted for their Celtic style.

When I arrived, Alan had saved the best table. It was located right in front of the band. He reserved a spot for me along with his family members. I was really excited!

As Loony June arrived, I gave her a big goofy smile. Instantly her shoulders snapped back and stiffened. Her chin went up as she shot me a baleful look! She stormed over to Mommy.

"When did Dianne become a member of our family!" she demanded to know. "Why is this woman at our table!" She began creating a scene.

I stood there in shock. -- She had been so nice to me the last time I saw her! I kept racking my brain trying to figure out where all this hostility was coming from.

People from other tables stopped to look and listen. I was so embarrassed I wanted to vanish! Mom Edith seemed intimidated by her, and was silent. I kept expecting Alan to be a man and step in there and put an end to it.

"Just ignore June," he said nonchalantly. "Her boyfriend broke up with her, and now she's mad at the world."

Well he must have left her for a redhead! Because I was the only person in that entire room with whom she seemed to have a problem. I sat down at the table. She leaned across it and hollered, "You shouldn't be here!" I just smiled back. I didn't want to draw any further attention.

Later, everyone told me I should have left immediately when she started her tirade -- But why should I have given her what she wanted? I had pre-paid for the luncheon, I wanted to hear the band, plus the table location was ideal. Had I left, I would have been punishing myself, not Loony June.

After the band finished playing, I told Alan I was upset and leaving.

"I'll call," he said.

When I returned home, I expected him to be on the phone right away, apologizing up and down.

Three days later he called to invite me to their condo for dinner. He would personally cook me a gourmet meal. Alan said his mother would be terribly disappointed if I didn't come. -- He never mentioned his sister once!

Angrily I told him that I no longer wanted to continue our relationship!

"Why!" he expostulated. He seemed genuinely surprised.

"Because," I explained, "I was publicly insulted and humiliated by a member of your family!"

From his reaction, I could tell he didn't consider it a big deal.

Our relationship was over! He seemed hurt. But the Dodger Pines incident was the proverbial last straw for me.

Early evening, a week later, I received an irate phone call from Loony June demanding I stay away from her brother!

I reminded her my father died only 6 months ago and I didn't need any of this drama.

"Well my father died 5 years ago!" she hollered back.

Geez, there's a tremendous difference between 6 months and 5 years! Then she accused me of being a gold-digger! Again, I was insulted.

I told her I wasn't blind! I knew when Alan came to pick me up in a station wagon older than mine, there was no money there.

But apparently their father had money, but now it was in a Trust for the grandchildren. -- Her children! "And nothing can be done to change that!" she snapped.

I coldly informed her that I had ended the relationship with Alan the week before. We would not be seeing each other again. -- Because of her!

There was an embarrassed gulp at the other end of the line, followed by a long silence. When she finally spoke, she apologized. Now she was eager to be my friend, again.

I was more polite to her than I should have been. Because I was finished with that family!

Sadly, I had truly enjoyed Alan's company. I always felt he genuinely liked me for who I am. The fact that I was pretty was just decoration on the cake. Had I been horribly disfigured in an accident, I think he would have continued to find me interesting. Not so with the other men I've dated.

But I could never get past the fact that when his sister was verbally abusing me, he dismissed it and made excuses, instead of getting angry. That scenario was way too familiar!