Weekends are for movies in my house and I look forward to these
all week long! On my recent trip to Thailand, I came up with an idea for a great
one! -- This is my intellectual property but I’m willing to sell it to
Hollywood.
Below is the premise:
Hidden deep in the mountains near Chiang Rai and close to
the Golden Triangle where Thailand, Myanmar, & Laos all meet and the Mekong
& Ruak River come together, there dwells an obscure hill tribe of
mysterious origins. The locals avoid them.
They are called the Parooba. They are lighter complexioned,
but have higher cheekbones and their eyes slant more deeply than the natives.
The Paroobans are clannish and secretive. However, they need to support
themselves, so they operate Fish Massage parlors
and sell street food throughout Northern Thailand. (Can you see where I’m going with this?) Their customers
are solely tourists.
Now we come to the characters, as usual they’re a group of
obnoxious 20-somethings. (This way the audience likes it when they get what’s
coming!) They’re enjoying vacation before returning to the states. All are students
at well known university studying to become lawyers.
The opening scene: Passed
out on the steps of a temple, they gradually come out of a drunken stupor. A strange,
grinning man stands before them. He hands out coupons for a free fish massage
while giving them directions. They notice long scars on each hand right below
his pinky fingers. The fish deal is free, so they decide to go for it.
An exotically beautiful lady greets them. She politely
demands they place their phones in a basket before they are allowed inside. Offensive
to their deities, she insists. After a swearfest, they comply! They are
welcomed inside and served tea & sweetbreads as a courtesy.
Due to their hangovers, they really don’t want this, but are
told it’s rude to refuse. One of students notices the lady has the exact scars
on her hands as the man who gave them the coupons. But only after she has
learned they came to Thailand on a lark after getting bored in Shanghai. Everyone
back home believes they are still at the Shanghai hotel.
The lady smiles, she tells them it’s time to enjoy their delightful
fish massage. All of the students ask to use the bathroom first. Every one of
them vomits up the tea & sweetbreads!
In the massage room, they seat themselves on the bench over
the fish tank. The fish are released! However, instead of using Kangal fish as the Thais do, the Paroobans use
Piranhas! Because the students barfed up the refreshments meant to render them
immobile, they thrash about violently and try to escape while their feet &
legs are being eaten. However the Paroobans have dealt with hung-over students before
and are ready with baseball bats!
The following day, the Paroobans have fresh meat! It’s cooked, seasoned, & sold in the
street markets. Some of it is even stir-fried with crickets. The tourists love
it!
Eventually, the authorities start to catch on due to the
number of disappearances traced to that area. An investigation is underway. Thru
DNA testing, it’s discovered that the Paroobans are an ancient race reaching
back to antediluvian times. Their ancestors were alien-human hybrids planted
here to conquer and populate the earth. They failed, defeated by the Lemurians
before Atlantis and Lemuria were destroyed in the great cataclysm.
The current Paroobans are descendants of the survivors. All
are born with an extra thumb below their pinky fingers. Only the Elite among
them are allowed to keep these digits. They’re amputated on the underlings in
order for them to blend in without alarming anyone. The Elites remain in
seclusion and are highly telepathic.
For eons, the Elite have been trying to contact their alien
forbearers in the constellation Ophiuchus. NOW, they have finally succeeded and these pernicious aliens are being
summoned back! The Parooban Elite celebrate with feasts of human flesh! They
will be exalted and rule the earth! Others will exist only as slaves and a
source of food.
Quickly all nations try banding together to stop this!!! --
Unfortunately, it’s unsuccessful, people go raving mad in the streets, mass
chaos prevails and bloodshed ensues! But
many refuse to give up hope; various plans are set into action.
However, the true heroine is a 65 year old tourist! (A still
hot-looking woman, who looks much like me! But I wouldn’t object to Bo Derek
being cast in this role.) Through a combination of cunning, determination, and
luck she manages to end the Parooban’s machinations and saves the earth.
OK Hollywood, that’s your basic premise! Now it’s up to you to flesh it out! -- But
only after you pay me a ton of money!!! You
can find me on LinkedIn.
FOOTNOTE: Fish massages
are wonderful! Be sure to experience one
on your next Asian excursion!
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