THE TELEPHONE MOAN & GROAN

If you dislike crabbing, bitching, and whining from an old woman, STOP READING RIGHT NOW!!!

I have a land-line, only. Any day the phone doesn’t ring I consider a rare special one. Sometimes unknown callers phone me 7 times a day and into the evening. Someone always seems desperate to reach me, yet never enough to leave a message on my answering machine.

Most of these unknown callers are shady, anyway. Why else would they conceal their number from me?

I remember well one call I received. Some woman informed me that according to their records, I qualified for a lower mortgage rate. “What records?” I replied. My house never had a mortgage! It was purchased outright.

After seeing the movie WOLF OF WALLSTREET, I remembered another call back in the 80’s. My father received it from one of the wolf’s toads, perhaps even the main turd, himself. Dad was on the phone for what seemed 45 minutes repeatedly stating, “No, I’m really don’t care to do that!” Afterward, he complained, “I couldn’t get rid of that guy! He kept insisting this was an investment that I couldn’t pass up. I must beg, borrow, or steal, whatever it took to jump on this!”

“Why didn’t you just hang up?” I asked.

“I didn’t want to be rude,” he replied.

I guess I am NOT a nice person! I have no compunction about slamming the receiver into a telemarketer’s ear! – THEY ARE RUDE for invading my personal space and wasting my time. I am a firm believer in boundaries!

On occasion, I would have fun with them. Whenever someone asked for Mrs. Lininger, I’d reply in my meekest voice, “Did you say MRS. Lininger?” Usually, I’d get a condescending, “Yes, I said MRS. Lininger!” Then I’d cackle my most evil laugh, followed by, ”Get a Ouija board or crystal ball! Both MRS. Liningers have been maggot meat for years!"

Nowadays, I just let my answering machine take all the calls because my friends usually email.

Once, I actually got a message from my dead father!!! I recognized his voice, all he said was, “Hi Dianne.” I listened to it over and over. (It was disturbing.) Eventually, I decided to erase it. I’ve moved on with my life.

A few months back, I lost my connection again. I became suspicious when my home suddenly became more serene. The phone was dead, period! I tried to report it to ATT online, but went around in circles without success.

I was forced to bother a neighbor. All she had was a cell phone. The lady walked back with me in the event of over-the-phone instructions.

Our neighborhood has terrible cell reception! We had to scout my back yard in search of the perfect spot to get a signal. -- This did not make me want to run out and purchase a cell phone anytime soon! Geez, I don’t want to run out back every time I need to make a call! This is NOT progress, it’s a step backward.

I’ve often wondered why the neighbor kitty-corner from me always stands at the end of his driveway talking on his phone. Now I know! That is so sad.

Eventually, we got a signal. She told me to remember that particular spot between the Oleander & the palm tree.

The menu came up; press this, press that, followed by a seemingly endless wait. After what seemed an eternity, I was transferred to Connecticut; a live person informed me that ATT did not service land-lines in that state.

I stated that I lived in FLORIDA!!! My neighbor interrupted to remind me that she & her husband were snowbirds from Connecticut. -- But I’d given ATT my account number early on!

Now it was back to the starting gate and the entire lengthy drawn-out process. I stated immediately that I was using my neighbor’s phone because mine was kaput. -- And still I kept ending up in Connecticut!!! My neighbor even tried with the same result.

After an entire wasted morning, finally success! A repairman was sent out within an hour. He was the indoor guy. Shortly after, the outdoor repairman showed up. After he finished, he told me to check my phone. – It was full of static. The first guy was called for further instructions.

Before he left, I inquired as to why I was almost forced to jump thru flaming hoops, just to report a problem. He said that was their number 1 complaint. However, he assured I wouldn’t have to experience that in the future. He wrote down his number and that of the previous repairman. “We’re local,” he said.

Fast forward a month, the static returned! It was so bad, the other party and I could barely hear one another. I phoned both repairmen, neither returned my calls!!!

For my upcoming exploratory trips to Ecuador & Thailand, friends have suggested I get a pre-paid cell phone with a camera, instead of dragging along several disposable cameras as I had planned. I might break-down and do that. Ugh! We’ll see.