TIPS SPELLED BACKWARD IS SPIT

The summer before last, a business networking luncheon was held inside an Italian bistro. Unfamiliar with the address, I went for a dry run. It was off-season and lunch hour was winding down. So I decided to stay for a relaxed meal. Only 2 couples remained and they soon left. After bringing me water and a menu my waitress disappeared never to be seen again. -- I thought she had been swallowed up in a sink hole!

As I began to feel cobwebs forming around me, I pulled out my car keys to leave. A man with a broom emerged and started sweeping. I called him over and asked him fetch my waitress! He insisted upon taking my order himself, without writing it down. Ugh! Another LONG wait ensued. Well, you guessed it! I received something different than ordered. I complained, but because I was so hungry I ate it.

When it came time to pay, I was given a coupon for a free entree. However it only applied to the one I never received. 

At the luncheon, I learned that the waitress who had abandoned me was actually the owner’s wife! Geez, since this was a family-operated business you’d think she would have been more conscientious.

Later, when I returned for my free entree, I was curtly informed by an older waitress that this particular dish was now only available on weekends. They could not honor my coupon unless I returned then. I asked if the coupon could be applied to an entree of similar value. “No!” she snapped. “You’ll have to come back on the weekend!”

Considering how badly they messed up, they should have been more flexible! Plus the place was expensive! Italian cuisine is among the cheapest to make. And this was a little hole-in-the- wall establishment with zero atmosphere inside a run-down shopping plaza. 

Believe it or not, a local food critic gave it a glowing review in her column. I fired off an email to her relating my experiences. The food was ordinary and over-priced, plus the service was crappy! That place was hardly special!

My father used to say that when he worked for the mortgage corporation he saw more restaurants go belly-up than any other business. The chains are just too much competition for most Mom & Pop places. Personally, I’d rather eat in a chain restaurant. You get more value for your money. Plus the food is usually better! I think perhaps more Moms & Pops should go to work for a chain.

Back when I was a young office worker, my mother would tell me never to tip waitresses because they raked in more money than I made. Of course I did, because I know they rely on tips. But I wasn’t always generous.

A waitress/part-time chef was a friend of mine. Every time we dined out together she would always run back and add to my tip. “I don’t mind paying extra for good service,” she would say.

Well neither do I! Except most service isn’t good, it’s just so-so. Unfortunately the vanishing waitress is far from rare. Often I wonder if there is a black hole to another dimension off the kitchen.

Never will I forget the beautiful restaurant overlooking the garden. But it’s memorable for all the wrong reasons. Tired of waiting for a coffee refill, I noticed a couple boiling pots partially hidden behind the counter, so I walked over and helped myself. Earlier, I was forced to lift silverware & cream from another table. When the solitary waitress finally emerged with my bill, I told her she might bother to stick her head in the dining area from time-to-time. She glowered at me as if she was about to shove a fork thru my throat! Needless to say, she received no tip.

Another NO TIP guarantee is to roll your eyes at me. It’s disrespectful!

My father never tipped more than 10 percent! Friends warned me that the restaurant staff was probably spitting, pissing, or blowing their noses in our food! If they did any of those things, it was not only because of his poor tipping. My father, in his older years, hated eating out.  

Dad absolutely refused to wait! If we were not seated immediately, he complained loudly. I’d turn beet-red with embarrassment. If a waitress was not standing by our table within in 5 seconds, he threatened to leave! I had to argue him out of it. If there was a long wait for our food, he’d blame me and yell that I ordered something too complicated. Our meals were seldom enjoyable.

However, there were things that annoyed us both, such as when the wait staff disappeared or seemed to be wearing blinders. Once I waved my napkin over my head like a lasso and still failed to get attention, at least from the wait staff anyway. I’ve noticed that service is usually better when a restaurant is crowded. When they are less busy, you’re more likely to be ignored.

There is no doubt restaurant work is hard and patrons can be stress-inducing. I think the employees should receive benefits and also be paid enough to render tipping unnecessary; hopefully it will weed out those with a poor work ethic.