NOW I'M OUT, SO LOOK OUT

My closet spilleth over. Yes, I am a clothes-horse, but that's not all. Every time I ventured out, I needed a costume. And not the kind you wear on the outside. But I’m tired of pretending and too old to care what anyone else thinks.

My father joked that when I was born, my Birth Certificate should have read IT for gender. I’ve lived my entire life outside my comfort zone. Never have I found it necessary to go out and look for challenges. I’ve always found life to be plenty challenging just the way it is!

I am ASEXUAL. -- Being gay would have been easier, or at least more readily understood. There is more of an element of freakdom in my case. Most people can't imagine an asexual, in their minds we don't exist. But we are out there and we are legion. We just don't broadcast it. In a sex obsessed society it's almost social suicide.

I can almost bet with certainty that you will never see a LIFETIME or LMN movie about an asexual; too many people would not find it interesting.

I joined A.V.E.N. (Asexual Visibility & Education Network) last October. I knew these were MY people when members offered pictures of cake as a welcome! (I fantasize about eating cake the way others fantasize about sex.) I felt an instant connection.

In only one way was it a disappointment. I wish it had been around sooner. The majority of members are far younger. This organization is a blessing for them. They have a support system and will not spend the bulk of their lives in confusion, as I did.

Elder members are fewer and none were local. People on the other end of a computer feel like phantoms to me. (I need eye contact!) I am not a message board person. I would like to have asexual friends with whom I can socialize in person. I enjoy my friends, but I don’t have many for obvious reasons.

I recall my school days, especially the later ones, as the years Hell reigned on earth and I prayed for the still, silent oblivion of the grave. The kids didn’t like me because I wasn’t like them. At home, my parents rejected me for the exact reason. I could never be what my parents wanted, nor was I free to be myself. So I was nothing.

This, I believe was the cause of multiple mental disorders I suffered for most of my life! Asexuality didn’t exist, except in the realm of science fiction. Being one was tantamount to being a mutant from planet X!

I knew I wasn’t heterosexual. For decades, I thought I might be a lesbian. I just wasn’t a practicing one! --This is common for many asexuals, especially those of my generation. I even bought a ticket to BASIC INSTINCT just to glimpse Sharon Stone’s privates. – What a disappointment! She looks a lot better with clothes on! Her flesh did nothing for me.

I have always admired feminine beauty. My Facebook page often features pictures of nude or near nude women just because I consider them beautiful works of art.

Those boys the girls thought were sooo dreamy in High School I found gross and goony. I had zero desire to date. I was well into middle age when I went on my first one. Most of my dates have been a disappointing waste of time. Men in general leave me cold.

When I was younger, I used to joke that I must be under a witches curse, because I only attracted guys who repulsed me. Sure, I had crushes on movie stars, but I only liked them because they were unavailable.

Many have asked me why I color my hair, wear make-up, and dress provocatively if not to attract men. Do they really need to ask? Duh! -- Being attractive is a powerful asset! I’m not about to sabotage myself!

I’ve learned there are asexual couples in love, they just don’t engage in sex. In other words, it’s the highest and purest form of love, a selfless one without carnal desire, and a love of which most are incapable.

Constantly, I'm being told that I should not have given up on love and romance. Well I didn't give up! I was never interested in the first place! Whenever someone asks, "Do you have anyone special in your life?" I always reply, "Who is more special than me!" You can imagine the reaction. But it stops them cold and the subject is dropped.

Don’t expect me to write a book about asexuality! Because I know it won’t fly off the shelves like 50 SHADES OF CRAP or whatever that piece of garbage is called. Besides, there is nothing I can tell you that you just can’t Google and learn in 10 minutes.

I am grateful A.V.E.N. exists. It is a light illuminating all those dark, confusing times in my life.

A male friend asked if I felt short-changed. The answer is no, I am blessed! I still feel like a freak, but in a positive way. Asexuality is a gift. I am not a slave to my hormones, nor yours either. I’m out of my closet and I’m dressed to the nines. So take a good look and eat your heart out!