MOMMIE DEADEST

WARNING! THIS POSTING MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO SOME. -- WELL TOO BAD!

I don't know which is lower in my opinion; a woman who would deliberately get pregnant to trap a man into marriage, or one who would try to steal a married man. My mother was the first category of woman, my step-mother the second. Both were sweet as cherry pie around other people, but bitches from hell in private.

I've always felt I would have been a happier, better adjusted person had I never known my mother. When she passed from this life, the thought I was never going to see her again seemed too good to be true. Although, I knew her replacement was waiting in the wings.

At the end, cancer had ravaged my mother to the point where she required professional care in a Home. She was not expected to last out the week. She lingered there for a month.

Mom was placed in a ward with 4 other women. She enjoyed the smell of their cologne and asked me for a bottle.

I gave her a nearly full one a friend had given me for Christmas. She refused to wear it. It smelled so cheap, it embarrassed her, she said.

Angered by that remark, I refused to visit for several days. She complained bitterly to my father.

"She's threatening to disinherit you! You'd better come with me tomorrow," he advised. "Your mother's on her deathbed, remember."

The second I entered the room she seemed infused with a sudden burst of vitality. "Every one's constantly inquiring of your whereabouts. It shames me!" she ranted. If you don't show up here again, it'll go down hard on you!" 

"Alright then, disinherit me!" I hollered. "I won't show up at your funeral! Think how embarrassing that will be! Tongues will really be chattering!"

The other patients jumped in their wheelchairs and headed for the halls as we argued loudly back and forth. I had been an embarrassment to my mother my entire life, why should now be any different.

Many advised me to make peace with her before she died. Otherwise, my mother was liable to haunt me. I told them any peace between us was impossible.

Throughout the month, the phone rang several times informing us her end was at hand. -- They were false alarms! On our final visit, I was so exasperated, I exclaimed, "If she doesn't die today, I'm going to suffocate her with a pillow!"

My father was furious! A nurse's aide glowered as if she wanted to punch me! I was summoned to a supervisor's office for a lecture. I was barely seated before a nurse buzzed. Mother had passed. -- I probably have a permanent spot in the halls of infamy at that place!

Throughout the funeral, her church-lady friends shook while loudly sobbing and wailing. "Your mother was dearly loved, " my cousin whispered to me.

"They're probably just scared they're going to be next," I whispered back.

My mother's spook has come a'haunting on several occasions. I've seen objects defy gravity. I've been shoved and hit when there was no one else in the house. This has escalated since I stated my Blog. -- But I refuse to be intimidated by the dead! I intend to rip away that veil of hypocrisy and shred it with my teeth if necessary!

I'm sure some readers will label me crazy as my brother, the diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. However, I'm too old to care what someone else may think of me.

Whenever Mom drops in, I tell her exactly how I feel about her. Nothing is held back! Upon her last visit, I reminded that I was getting up in years. Before long, she'll find me on the other side. My mother has been warned to stay away and cease causing trouble. Otherwise, I'll give her payback that will have her screaming for reincarnation!

I feel, however, that I am living the meanest revenge, by just being happy.