THE CRAPPY CRUISE BLUES

Vacation season is almost here. I would rather bungee-jump with my hair on fire than take another cruise!

I've a friend in the cruise business who cannot fathom why I dislike them.

I've endured only 1 cruise, but the memory will last a lifetime! I was 17 yrs old. It was a 3 day excursion to the Bahamas with my dad. A trip to which I had long looked forward.

Well, it was the second 3 most miserable days of my life! The first being when I was dropped off at my aunt & uncle's farm at age 9. The whole inside of their home smelled like cow manure.

A small, but vicious Pekingese dog was tied to their covered front porch where it lived. -- They didn't allow dogs inside their house. I don't understand why, the place couldn't have stunk any worse!

Theirs was the 1st house I'd ever seen that didn't have a back door. Because of that damn dog, I was prisoner in that smelly house for my entire visit! The dog did not want to make friends. It wanted to taste my flesh!

All I had to amuse myself was TV. Their set had a huge dark spot that covered a quarter of the screen because the picture tube was almost shot.

In retrospect, they should have put the dog in the barn during my stay. They were aware of the problem, but just dismissed it. I never returned!

Back to the Bahamas cruise, it was a Norwegian ship. (The same country that decades later would produce the film DEAD SNOW.) The Captain and crew were all Norwegian. Plus only Norwegian items were sold in the gift shop.

My father must have booked the cheapest room available. Because I've seen walk-in closets with more space. It had narrow bunk beds. I was on top and worried all night I'd turn in my sleep and end up on the floor. The toilet was inside the shower. There was only 1 small, round window. It was up so high we couldn't see out. The place had a dungeon feel.

A constant vibrating throughout the ship gave me a dull headache.

Passengers were required to eat at designated hours, at an assigned table. We were seated with 4 Midwestern college kids, 2 girls & 2 boys who arrived separately. They were friendly and polite, as were we. But outside of that we had nothing in common. They told us they had saved a long time for this trip. I felt sorry for them.

Since my father and I didn't gamble, we spent our evenings at the ship's theatre. It ran movies I'd already seen on TV multiple times. One was from the 1940's and was in black & white.

The swimming pool was tiny, and so crammed with people they could barely maneuver.

The closest thing to live entertainment was orientation with the Captain the 1st evening. Afterward, a black comedian told jokes at the ship's expense. Such as, "Our movies are so old they hobble on a cane and creak!" and "My bathtub at home is larger than the swimming pool!" -- He wasn't funny, just honest!

There wasn't a lot to see and do in the Bahamas. It seemed rather third- worldish back then. Yes, the beaches were beautiful. But we have those right here in Florida.

Later, during my 20's I took numerous escorted tours around Europe by motor coach. Now those were actually fun!!! If I could afford it, I'd still be doing it today. The scenery was far more interesting than just staring at the ocean. Plus European cuisine is worth a trip in itself!

And my father stayed behind! When I wanted to splurge a week's salary on a night at the Moulin Rouge in Paris, I did it! I will always have that memory.

The only unpleasant part was catching connecting flights. Airlines are notoriously bad about not adhering to schedules. The personnel were rude even back then. But the wonderful sights and experiences abroad made it all worth the frustration and stress.

If I ever win the lottery I'm off to see the world again! And I will be traveling by airplane and motor coach.