GLOOMY SUNDAY is a Hungarian
song written in the 1930’s. This particular song is said to be responsible for
multiple suicides. But remember, those were the Great Depression years. Not
long ago, I heard it sung. Yes, it is a truly awful song! But I would be more
inclined to murder the singer than myself.
Ditto for anything sung by
Loretta Twang or Tammy Whinette. Whenever I’m trapped in a place where I can’t
turn them off, I fantasize about lunging for their throats and strangling them
to make that awful noise stop! I’ve heard Patsy Cline recordings, so I know
good country singers actually exist.
A Facebook friend recently
posted on her Timeline that nothing in life was going her way and she was ready
to quit. I was at a loss at what to say to her, even though I was in that same
state of despair for 2 long decades.
To quote Tolstoy, “All happy
families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” This is
true of individuals as well.
I get the vibe that this
person is just lonely. – And I just can’t relate to that!
Perhaps it’s because I was
raised as an only child. (My brother is 11 years older.) I learned from an
early age how to entertain myself, something that seems impossible for others.
Provided I had electricity
and food parachuted-in at regular intervals, I could live happily alone on an
island somewhere.
If anything, I’ve always
felt suffocated and poisoned by all the toxic people around me.
Now that I’m alone, I’m in
ecstasy! As long as I have my health, a roof over my head and enough money to
eat and pay my bills, I feel blessed. Everything else, problems etc. seem
trivial. But I realize that with old age, illness and inflation all of this will
slowly go underwater or suddenly be destroyed at some point in the future.
They say money can’t buy
happiness. But I can’t think of one of my problems that money couldn’t solve.
But I wouldn’t trade my problems for anyone else’s any more than I’d want to be
someone else.
I’m not an extravagant
person! I still drive the 1997 used station-wagon my dad bought right before we
moved up to Vero Beach. Nor do I frequent beauty parlors or spas. To be honest,
they are not my thing. And when I am eventually forced to trade-in my old car I
will probably cry. We’ve been thru so much together and made so many memories.
It will be a sad day.
What I do miss are those
exotic foreign vacations I used to enjoy. However, I knew when I lost that
staggering amount in GM Bonds the only way I’d ever see the world again is on a
screen. I’ll admit this leaves me depressed. I used to live for those trips!
Whenever I stop to think of
what my future might be, death is looking a lot more appealing, especially if
I’m in some sort of group home or forced to labor at a tedious, soul-crushing
job that makes me dread each new day. The older I get, the more it feels like
I’ve stayed overlong in an alien country where I don’t like the natives! At the
same time, I’m not ready to move on. Mostly, I love my life despite the
negatives.
I consider this period my
renaissance!
Right now, today is bright
and sunny, but come afternoon a storm will set in. It usually does this time of
year; you can almost count on it. Way more bad things seem to happen than good.
If life can be compared to a fairytale, it's a dark one. You just have to stay
strong, sober, and deal with it.
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