WHEN PLANTS ATTACK

I was viciously assaulted in my own yard, in broad daylight, by my Oleander! I was watering it, when a sharp branch went straight for my left eye! Had I not been wearing sunglasses, I would have been blinded! As I pushed the branch away from my face, it scratched my forehead. Immediately, I washed the scratch. Oleanders are poisonous!

The Oleander may have been mad because I had recently uprooted and replanted it to make way for my new hedge. Plants are living entities, who knows what goes on inside those stems!

I thought I was doing it a favor by watering, because the leaves were looking kind of droopy. But after my encounter, the damn thing can die for all I care!

As an ex-florist, I shouldn't admit this, but I've always had a gangrene thumb when it comes to live greenery. That's why the plants inside my house and on my porch are all silk!

At our previous house, I recall the big Century plants and their numerous long, spiked leaves with needle-sharp growths on the ends. They were formidable looking. Everyone kept their distance!

As a small child, I fell into a cactus, backside first! My family gathered around pulling thorns from my behind! -- I also sat on a scorpion! But that's a story for another blog.

Around the age of 10, I wanted a Venus Flytrap. They were way cool! I could picture myself bonding with it while feeding it dead bugs. On special occasions like Christmas and other holidays, it would get meat scraps from the table. My own little plant pet.

My father however, nixed the idea. He refused to have a carnivorous plant in the house! He told me I was liable to lose a few fingers. Of course if the thing ever clamped onto me I would have just pulled it out by the roots and stepped on it!

Too bad, I really wanted my smaller version of AUDREY from THE LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS. -- But I doubt I would have named mine! People I know, do name plants. To me, that's as silly as naming the shrubbery on your lawn. Plants may be alive, but until they can bark, meow, talk, or walk they shall remain nameless. And I refuse to eat mammals!

However, if TRIFFIDS were real, and I owned one, it would have a name! It would also be kept in a locked steel cage. I would never approach it without an electric cattle prod or a stun gun! I would even allow scientists to perform experiments on it! -- If you have never seen the movie DAY OF THE TRIFFIDS, they are large, walking carnivorous plants and their favorite meal is humans!

If I ever look outside my window and see my Oleander trying to walk, I'm getting an axe!