HANGING ONTO THE SILVER BULLET

　
　
My car, a silver Mercury Sable station wagon was made in the last century. 1997 to be precise. At the age of 61, this is my 1st car. Also the only one I've ever owned. We've been through a lot together.

My father purchased it in 1998 right after we put our house up for sale. Up to then, he owned a Lincoln Continental he had bought 2nd hand as well. Now we were scaling back, moving to a less affluent neighborhood. A move long over due.

This is the car in which I learned to drive. I suffer from severe anxiety attacks. I did not receive my Driver's License until I was close to 50 yrs of age. Even then, driving anywhere was nerve-wracking.

Facetiously, I dubbed our car The Silver Bullet, because I drive slow. While I was still learning, my father would not even allow me to drive the speed limit. I probably drove everyone behind me nuts!

I got my baptism of fire behind the wheel after my father suffered his stroke. I drove to see him every day during the stormiest summer in memory, 1st at the hospital, and later the rehabilitation center.

When he returned home, I shuttled him to various doctor's appointments. Often several times a week.

After he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, he transferred the car title to me. I cried all the way as I drove home after the diagnosis. Later, I would drive him to chemotherapy sessions which extended his life for a year.

In the days following his death, I often found myself in the garage staring at the car. I thought about placing cushions in the wagon part, turning on the engine, and climbing back there. I would join my father. -- I'm glad now, I didn't!

Driving anyplace remains stressful to this day! Back then, I would only drive during hours the traffic was lightest. Mostly, I didn't drive anywhere I didn't absolutely have to go. And I still refuse to drive at night!

But I forced myself to become braver. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life confined to my house. I'd already been largely a shut-in, and now I was free! I was determined to expand my comfort zone.

Even when my father was in good health, we rarely did anything fun. He hated going out. We went to a movie once a year. It was so infrequent, I could tell you what I was wearing each time. -- Now I could go to the movies anytime I wanted! Also I attended live theatre matinees and dined in restaurants by myself.

I searched the newspaper for daytime events open to the public. I'd call and ask for directions. "Give me landmarks," I told them. The streets just confused me.

I discovered I enjoy going places alone! I could leave when I was ready, and come home when I felt like it. It was liberating! Now I understand why I suffered from depression all those decades! The Silver Bullet is an integral part of my freedom.

So far, I've only had minor problems with my car. But I know that one day It's going to have to be replaced with something newer. But it will feel just like having to put down a faithful pet. So many experiences and memories we've shared together. A significant part of my history.