THE BACK-TO-SCHOOL BALLET

Hisss! Booooo $#%*! <+>!!! <o>!!! That was my reaction to the 1^st day of school, back when I was a kid.

Now that I’m an adult, I sing! “Yippy! Skippy! My mailbox is safe until the weekend!” Inside, I’m leaping and twirling thru the air in sheer exultation!

Truth be told, I’ve always hated kids, even back when I was one! The only thing that I have against abortion is they don’t perform nearly enough of them. Children are dirty and they make way too much noise. It’s a mystery to me why people actually want them around.

Imagine what a more beautiful, sweet, and serene world this would be without children fouling the landscape. They are vermin! – The definition of vermin is: annoying, destructive, pest. It applies!

After moving here, I got a queasy feeling seeing all the mailboxes lined up along the road. This seemed to be just inviting trouble. In the years to come, I would find garbage, silly-string, and other sticky disgusting things inside my mailbox. If I put my flag up, it would be down and vice versa, or I’d find it wide open on a rainy day. – These happenings always occurred during summer, a weekend, or a school holiday.

I wish these kids would keep their booger-pick’n fingers off my property! I’ve always thought tampering with someone else’s mail was a federal offense!

Example: I was out pulling weeds from my walkway; a boy on a bicycle was parked in the street drinking a slurpee. We saw, but did not acknowledge one another. I went indoors to pay a few bills. (To this day, I don’t conduct any important business online because I’m hacker candy.) As I walked toward my mailbox I noticed red slime all over the top. Inside, remained what was left of the slurpee.

That was the proverbial last straw! I gave my box a thorough cleaning, then drove to the Post Office to mail my bills and file a complaint.

I was given a form to fill out, but since I didn’t know the kid’s name or what house from which he spawned, it was useless. I was instructed to call the police the next time it happened. – Of course they would give this top priority!

Kids today may be little whizzes when it comes to technology, but in all other ways they seem dumber. They should be forced to attend school year round, starting earlier in the day and ending late into the evening.

On another recent occasion, while I was on my computer, I heard the doorbell ring. Since I was expecting a package, I looked outside, nothing! Then I noticed long, ratty-colored hair hanging down the side of the big oak in my yard. – I knew I’d been punked! I returned to the computer as my doorbell continued to ring on & off repeatedly all morning.

Annoyed, I went upstairs to where I could get a good view. I spied a group of about 5 or more girls ranging in age from 11 to 14 running from my property. -- I always thought ringing doorbells was something 5 & 6 year old kids did for jollies, some of these skanks looked to be in Junior High!

I did my best to ignore them. Later, I went back upstairs and happened to glance out my window. This group of delinquents was now gathered around my mailbox. My jaw dropped as I watched an older girl pull it open. Quickly I lifted my window. “What are you were looking for in there!” I shouted. She glared up at me and shrugged. Slowly, they moved away, seating themselves on the street in front of my neighbor’s house.

The second after my mailman arrived, I was out there! I was expecting a new auto insurance policy and wanted to make certain I actually received it.

The following day, I asked my neighbor if she had noticed that group of girls, and if she knew where they lived, or their parent’s names. She shook her head. “I doubt they were from this neighborhood,” she said. “Someone was probably throwing a party and that’s why they were around.”

So why weren’t they at the party house? In fact, the kids always seem to be out in the street rather than home on their own property where they belong! There are too many damn kids around here!

Hark, I hear bells! I’m leaping, twirling, leaping! I know it ain’t Santa in his reindeer sleigh. -- Those are SCHOOL BELLS! -- Suck it up and eat chalk, brats!

I fall to the carpet in happy exhaustion. Sky kick!