SOME LIKE IT COOL

The only place I’ve ever been that was hotter than Florida in the summer was Acapulco, Mexico. I was there twice and both times in late fall. Yet the heat was almost unbearable! And just hours before I was up in the Sierra Madres where everyone was wearing sweaters. It was a silver mining town called Taxco. I would have preferred more time there and less on the beach. I grew up on Florida’s Treasure Coast; a beach is nothing extraordinary to me.

This year I was late putting winter into hibernation. I didn’t start cleaning and packing away all my blankets and long-sleeved clothes until just recently. I was still clinging to that foolish hope we’d get one last cool spell before the summer heat set in. While others were shivering up north, Florida was miserably mild this past winter.

I’ve always felt that Florida was a wrong fit for me. I don’t want ice and snow, but I don’t like sweating 8 months of the year either! I need a little bite in the air to be comfortable.

Many here claim to LOVE the heat. “It’s impossible to get too hot for me!” they bellow. -- I wonder how they’d enjoy Hell. In my humble opinion, it’s the perfect spot for them.

I’m a fair-skinned Nordic type who doesn’t have much tolerance for sun and heat. Plus I sweat like a horse! During July & August, sunscreen streaks down my face in long rivulets just walking across a parking lot from my car to the supermarket or mall. I can’t wait to get into the air-conditioning!

I’ve always said June is the only good summer month; technically it’s still spring until the 21st. After that comes the sweltering heat with its hellish humidity, followed by hurricane anxiety. Usually in June, at least the nights and mornings are still comfortable.

About 5 or 6 years ago, on the tail end of June, the first miserably hot morning of summer arrived. This was on a Saturday during my movie-hopping period. I heard the air-conditioner kick-on before I left around 10:00 AM for a fun-filled day. I managed to watch 3 movies on 1 ticket and didn’t get home until around 5:30 PM.

As I stepped from my garage into my house, I found myself inside a sweat box!!! I couldn’t understand, because I heard the A.C. running. In a panic, I phoned a repairman. Because the following day was Sunday, he wanted almost double to fix it.

I thought back to my childhood. We lived in 2 houses that didn’t even have air-conditioning. And these were nice homes, too! Plus none of our friend’s homes had A.C. either! This seems unthinkable now. We just sweltered and suffered. Nor did our homes have over-head fans, just the mobile kind.

My family didn’t live in an air-conditioned home until we bought our house on the river in 1960. However, my father refused to turn it on until almost the end of July due to the cost. And this was when he had his high-paying job!

The old air-conditioners were costly because they ran constantly. I miss them! The new energy efficient ones alternately sweat and freeze you. Throughout the day I’m always pulling off clothes and putting them back on. Of course my A.C. is set high to save money. Mostly I keep my blinds shut and walk around nude.

OK , so to save a few bucks, I told the repairman I’d stick it out until Monday. Naturally, the rest of the weekend was horrid! That night, and the next, it was too hot to sleep in my bed. I slept on the floor between the over-head fan and my large open bedroom window. There was a bit of a breeze. Still, it was miserable. I had not slept on a floor since the last hurricane.

Time seems to zoom-by faster each year as I grow older. Another summer has arrived all too soon. Knock-on-wood that my A.C. will run problem-free throughout the days ahead, also that El Nino keeps this hurricane season an uneventful one.

DISTORTED & CONTORTED IMAGES

Sometimes I think my house is outfitted with those special mirrors. You know, the magic ones made especially for men, the kind that reveals only an idealized version of you.

A man can be balding with bad teeth and a beer gut, or even look like TV’s Crypt Keeper and still see an Adonis gazing back.

Women, on the other hand, own cursed mirrors. They see only flaws.

In my case, I’m blessed with waning eyesight. -- Hey, getting older isn’t all bad!

Life will never be fair, so as women, we have to work a little harder. There is nothing wrong with vanity. It’s actually a positive trait!

Of course the reason I’m harping on this so much of late is because I’ve co-authored a budget beauty, self-improvement, healthy lifestyle manual with April Sampson. Also my vanity saved my sanity! Yes my hair is colored, my lips tattooed, and my teeth capped. This is the image of MY creation and I am proud of it!

I’ve heard women crow about how they never bother to diet or wear cosmetics because they accept themselves as really they are. -- How sad that they’re willing to settle!

Almost anyone can be attractive with effort, some more than others. Of course there are those rare few who will only look good if the light is dim, you’re drunk, close one eye and squint with the other. Those have a good excuse!  

I’ve heard the argument that ladies should go natural because men don’t need to paint their faces. Personally, I think they should. Because most men are homely! Except for drag queens and they are awesome! But then, I love pizzazz & razzmatazz!

Plus I can’t stand being limited to the same look all the time. That’s why I own so many wigs in different styles and colors. If you don’t follow my blog, I’m asexual. Drag queens aren’t the only female impersonators around!

Here’s a joke I just made-up: What’s the difference when a straight guy gets the hots for a drag queen vs. an asexual? – With a drag queen the guy actually stands a chance of getting laid!

I’ll admit I’d love to see straight men forced into the same tight, revealing, uncomfortable clothes women slip into every day. There would be a riot!

Cosmetics enhance your natural beauty. It’s not how much you wear, but how it’s applied that does the trick. Clothes and make-up add to an aura. Plus it’s a healthy high! When you look great, your spirit soars!

Yes, it is an illusion, but a POSITIVE one!!! -- And don’t give me that crap about how only inner beauty counts! From what I’ve seen, inner beauty is far easier to fake! I’ve known Mary Goodhearts with their sweet words and tight embraces. They gain your trust only to thrust a knife your back! The most virulent of all masks is the one worn on the inside! Evil people in history were often the most charming and charismatic.

Look around, few seem to take any pride in their appearance anymore. Nowadays most look as if they’ve just given up. Gadzooks, no one expects you to look perfect!

Never compare yourself to the air-brushed images in print; this is advertising for crying out loud! Get a grip! Many decry these as negative because it makes unattractive women depressed. Oh BOO HOO! Isn’t it bad enough we’ve dumbed-down our schools so poor students can have self-esteem. Now we have to ugly-down our women, too! Geez!!!

DON'T BANK ON ANYTHING

Spring 1964 I was now a teenager of several months. It filled me with both pride and fear. I was attending the “special” school in West Palm Beach. The following fall, I would be returning to regular junior high back in my hometown. Just the thought of it made me sick! I dreaded being thrust back into that soul-crushing atmosphere, its caste system and harassment.

During the week, my mother and I rented an apartment within walking distance of the “special” school. Fridays, Dad drove down after work to bring us home for the weekends. We always stopped to dine out on the way home. This time the conversation was of particular interest.

My father had become aware of a bank in Kansas for sale. This was an opportunity he couldn’t ignore. With his keen business mind, he could build it into a gold mine.

Until then, I didn’t even know that a private citizen could buy a bank! I loved the idea! Starting over fresh in a different state seemed like an exciting new adventure!

My father had been to Kansas in his youth and was unimpressed. He said the terrain was flat and plain as a turn-of-the century schoolmarm. Also it was tornado alley and they were worse than hurricanes. At this point, we’d yet to deal with a hurricane and its aftermath.

We knew this move would bring tremendous change to all our lives.

Kansas being landlocked meant we would be giving up our boat. We lived on the St. Lucie River only minutes from the ocean. My parents loved to spend long hours fishing. I didn’t care for it. But sometimes instead, we’d find a small deserted island in the inlet to picnic and swim. I loved that! But I was willing to sacrifice. We could always vacation in Florida, or someplace else with a beach. Or my folks could retire here later on.

Dad felt more than a twinge of guilt at the thought of leaving his job. This company had given him his big break. Many others would have gouged out their left eye for his position and paycheck! Also a concept called company loyalty existed back then. Job-hoppers were looked down upon. It was a completely different mindset. Dad wanted more time to think. He would tell us his decision the following Friday.

I was ready, right then to leave Florida! The week ahead was a long one, tense with excitement. The next time I saw my father, I hollered, “When are we leaving for Kansas!?”

I knew instantly by his body language we weren’t. He looked away.

“I thought it over,” he said. “I felt it would change our lives too drastically.”

Crestfallen, I knew I would be returning to my hometown school at summer’s end. I felt sick all over again. Fools will tell you that the things you worry about in life never come to pass. Well, they do happen, and sometimes even worse than you can imagine!!! -- I speak from experience.

Add to that those horrible catastrophes that blindside! Less than a year later, my dad’s company collapsed, along with our privileged lifestyle. The boss had been keeping 2 sets of books! My father was suddenly unemployed! – Talk about a drastic change to all our lives, not to mention a boss who was deceitful and disloyal to employees and clients, both.

Had Dad resigned and bought the bank in Kansas, we would have been safely away from all that. Everything would be different today!

The Kansas bank was never mentioned again. But I wonder how often my father thought about it.

Also the following September we were hit by our first hurricane.


UPDATE:

I have since learned that Florida has many deadly tornadoes. This is news to me! During my 60 plus years in this state, I've never been hit by one. I have however survived 6 serious hurricanes.



 

PIE OF THE PIONEERS

My idea of cooking is punching holes in a tray. But I needed delicious, low-calorie, inexpensive recipes for my new book, LOOK LIKE A PRINCESS ON A PAUPER’S BUDGET And You Don’t Have To Kiss A Frog To Do It (Amazon & Kindle) so I asked my friend and illustrator April Sampson to co-author. This happens to be one of April’s many talents! She is amazing!

However, I do love to bake, but I’m hardly Betty Crocker. In my youth, (I was 25) I made brownies from eggs that had been in the back of the refrigerator for 2 years. – They tasted fine, nobody died!

Plus I love color and ornamentation. My Christmas cookies usually look as if decorated by Ru Paul. All of my holiday goodies were the Lady Gaga of pastries.

Now that I’ve reached the age of heart attacks and strokes, I’m trying to cut down on this sort of thing. This is difficult because I look forward to dessert! I feel deprived if I don’t have it! I take my dessert seriously.

I’ve been reduced to eating cereal biscuits in place of cookies with my after dinner tea. But at least there are MISS MERINGUE’S Cookies. They’re fat free, plus a serving of 4 is only 110 calories. And they don’t taste half bad! Biscotti are also low in calories compared to other cookies.

There is one particular dessert I’ve never forgotten. It first caught my eye due to its interesting history which goes all the way back to the Old West. I am an ardent lover of Westerns. I’ve even written one, THE VALLEY OF SHADOWS AND SHAME (Amazon & Kindle). How can you help but admire the people who settled the American frontier!

Along with the hazardous terrain, pioneers endured hardships and perils, such as extreme heat and cold; thirst, disease, starvation, hostile Indians, tornadeos, wolves, floods, Bigfoot, wildfires, cannibalism, etc.

And in my opinion, the worst of all, (gasp!) a scarcity of dessert! -- Probably a good thing; dental infection was a leading cause of death in the Old West. However, there was an occasional treat called Vinegar Pie! It was made entirely of non-perishable ingredients. Plus it was tasty and low in calories.

I knew I MUST try this dessert! The ingredients were all in our pantry, except for the crust, which I bought frozen. As I mixed, stirred, and baked, I sang the old pioneer tune, SWEET BETSY FROM PIKE "who crossed the wide prairie with her lover Ike, two yoke of oxen, a big yeller dog, a tall Shanghai rooster, and one spotted hog.....” I think that how it goes. -- If you’ve never heard this song, then you weren’t around during the golden age of westerns.

Never had I been a fan of pie (cake rules!) but I loved this one! Unfortunately, I was the only one who did. My brother, whom I’ve always thought to be omnivorous, took 1 bite before putting his plate down for the family Chihuahua. The dog sniffed it and walked away. Later, he came back and ate the crust, which I didn’t make.

Surely, someone else had to love this pie as much as I did!

Later, I found lots of versions of Vinegar Pie online. These had a lot more ingredients than the Pioneer recipe. The calorie count was now high.

I asked April to tinker with the recipe. I wondered if she could make it more appealing taste-wise while keeping the calorie count low. To do this, she needed to add perishable ingredients. The one in our book is 310 calories per serving 1/8 slice, which is higher than the pioneer version. But April’s tastes good enough to serve as a special occasion dessert!

NO, I am NOT printing the recipe here! Geez, if you want it, BUY OUR BOOK!!!

ONLINE CRACK

I am an older woman who came to computers late. I can’t do any slick maneuvers on the contraption like the young folks can. Compared to them I’m computer illiterate. I’m hardly a high-tech person. Yet, the computer has taken over my life!

I log on 4 different times a day “just to check my email” for 10 or 15 minutes. That’s what I tell myself. But of course it’s never JUST that! Always there’s news or interesting articles I feel compelled to read, with links to more things that intrigue me.

Of course I MUST check my timeline on Facebook! Plus I feel guilty if I don’t look at the pages of people who actually take the time to like my postings. Always, I find plenty of videos to check out, either cute animals or entertaining humans. Then I’ll spot something I want to share on my page, which changes the entire flow, so now I’m busy redecorating! Before I know it, several hours have passed! I find myself wondering how it got so late so fast!

I have vowed never again to do this late in the evening before bedtime; otherwise it’s well after midnight when I finally make it to bed. And I’m an early riser! Also this is when the lonely men are on and they want to chat. I am not lonely, neither am I interested in conversation.

Late afternoons, I used to enjoy reading either books or magazines. Now, it seems all the reading I do is on my computer!

I’m ashamed I’ve let this contraption run my life this way! There will be plenty of time for me to enjoy a computer when I’m an invalid in a nursing home. While I still have my health, I should be out enjoying my life; either with friends or alone rather than wasting so much time in front of a screen. This machine is stealing the little time I have left on this planet.

On the other hand, I’m less likely to be spending money behind my computer. Sure, sometimes I’ll spot a trendy jacket or cute pair of sandals I can’t live without, but my online purchases are mostly needs rather than impulsive ones. – The reason I’m avoiding the mall these days!

However, I should go computer cold turkey one day a week just to clean my house. When it comes to anything domestic I’ve never been June Cleaver. I’m closer to loony June with a cleaver! My house is getting so dusty I really need to step it up in this area.

Life has changed drastically in so many ways since my youth.

To keep things in perspective, as a child I’d notice adults playing bridge, bingo, or shuffleboard. I used to look on them with pity and vowed never to be like that when I grew up.

Back in the 1970’s, (I was in my 20’s) I spent an evening in the home of an elderly friend. (She was around my current age!) Friends came over and we played board games. Everyone around me was laughing, whooping, and having a grand ole time. I wished I was watching TV! CHARLIE’S ANGELS was on and I was missing it. Sure it was a re-run, but it had to be better than this. These antiquated games should be re-named BORED games! After all they were created to entertain way before the invention of TV.

In retrospect, all the people mentioned above were fully there in the moment embracing life! They weren’t getting drunk or high, it was good clean fun and they were clearly enjoying themselves.

I’ve known others who love working crossword puzzles or crocheting. Admittedly these activities don’t float my boat!

Speaking of boats, I’ve been ocean fishing and I found it as tedious as watching plants grow. This was back when the waters were so full of fish you couldn’t help but catch some. Still, it failed to excite me.

I’ve never understood how people can get excited over a sports game. Basically, it’s grown men getting overpaid to play a little boys game. Yet many live for this.

And I’ve known plenty of women who live to date. I’ve always found it to be over-rated. I have tons more fun going out with my gal-pals!

Everyone has their own idea of what constitutes a good time. Just because you enjoy something doesn’t mean someone else will.

I watched a video online bemoaning the fact that people are so hooked on their devices that they’re missing out on so many other things. -- Obviously, nothing that interests them or they would be doing those things, instead.

As for me, I’m trying to wean myself away from Facebook and spend time on more productive activities. Easier said than done, I’ve become an addict.

M-DAY AMIDST THE WILD DAFFODILS

Today, I’d like to recall a special Mother’s Day.

If you‘re a regular reader, you know my blog could easily be subtitled: DIE MOMMY BITCHES DIE! However, this posting involves little to do with either of my mothers. That is why this memory is so dear and precious to me.

The year was 1980. Mother’s Day, I found myself in Scotland. The atmosphere was bright and fragrant with spring. An invigorating chill filled the air. The heather would not be in bloom till autumn, but wild daffodils grew abundantly. The rugged beauty of Scotland was spellbinding with scenic lochs abounding, so many I couldn’t remember all their names.

Usually I took my vacations in the fall when tours abroad were cheaper. Plus our business was slower then. It didn’t start to pick-up until the season got underway in November. However, I had just lost my job of nearly a decade. So this time I grabbed the 1^st available date for a tour of England, Scotland, and Wales.

Deciding to retire, Dad had just sold our family business, a florist shop with a wedding chapel. Now I was unemployed and would face an uncertain future upon returning home.

At least I would no longer be enduring Mother’s Day hell! It was a solid week of 8:00 AM to 8:00 PM phones ringing non-stop, hordes of customers wall-to-wall accompanied by hand-wringing and hair-pulling stress. It’s the most hectic and profitable time of the year in the florist business.    

To my surprise, among the group were 2 floral designers. I asked why they weren’t working. -- In our shop, not showing up for this week was a firing offense! They just giggled and shrugged.

However, this Mother’s Day Sunday we were lodged in a rural family-owned establishment in the Scottish countryside. My room was spacious with a gorgeous bucolic view. In one corner were a burner, kettle, teapot, cups, and fixings so I could enjoy tea anytime. A warming touch!

Outside were fields of flowers and gently rolling pasture with grazing sheep. I went for a walk in the fragrant spring air. Wild daffodils flourished along the narrow roadside. Soon, 3 other ladies from our group joined me. We came upon a meadow with horses. Eager for attention, one trotted up to the fence to greet us. We laughed and joked as the path curved steeply up a hill. Down the other side was a tiny Scottish hamlet with several small shops. One was a Bakery.

Naturally, the fancy pastries caught my eye. I purchased several and carried them back to my room. There, I made tea to enjoy with my sweets. As I sat savoring them, I thought about how different this Mother’s Day was from what I had become accustomed.

I recalled the previous year; the mad rush with all of those impatient last-minute customers. Many were nasty! One was a drunken woman who phoned to place an order, but refused to give me any billing info. “It’s none of your business!” she said. When I made it clear her mom would not be receiving any flowers without it, she became verbally abusive.

“Take your business to another florist!” I hollered and hung up. She immediately phoned back and tried to get me fired. My dad told me, he understood and just to forget it. Of course it’s the kind of thing you never forget, which just becomes funnier over time.

Then there was the vile woman who told me what the initials FTD really stood for! She almost spat the words! -- Actually it was the out-of-state florist who dropped the ball, not FTD!

These are just 2 of many examples. But that was all over, now. I was out of the florist business forever. This day was serene and beautiful.

I left a job I’d come to hate. However as compensation, I was able enjoy an awesome vacation every year! Unfortunately, my steady paycheck was now gone. This was to be my final trip abroad. Soon, life would slowly spiral downward into a dark place where I would be for two long decades. A place where I would give up all hope of seeing light.

But this day in Scotland the atmosphere was radiant. Everything seemed to glow. I felt sublime! At home, it would have just been another Sunday. My mother received zero on Mother’s Day, always! It was payback for never acknowledging my birthday as a child, not to mention all the physical battering and mental abuse. Later, I would have a stepmother of similar ilk.

The following day, my group boarded our motorcoach for Glasgow. The Inn’s owners, the entire family stood waving us off, dog at their side. This had been one of my favorite spots of the entire trip.

This memory is a cherished one. It is every bit as vivid as all of those ugly ones that happened before and the awful and miserable things later to come. But with time, the negative memories have lost their power over me. This one remains strong.

THE LOVE BUNDLE

Recently, I read a joke over the Internet that went something like this: A small boy was watching his grandmother dust her bedroom. “G-ma,” he asked, “why don’t you have a boyfriend?”

She smiled fondly. “The TV is my boyfriend. It makes me laugh and happy. It also enthralls me!” She reached to turn on her set, only to find the reception was poor. She raised her fist and gave it a bang, then another harder one. Still, the picture remained fuzzy.

The doorbell rang! “Go see who that is,” she told the lad.

The boy opened the door to discover their minister standing before him. “May I speak with your grandmother?” he asked.

“She’s up in her bedroom banging her boyfriend,” the kid replied.

I can certainly relate to that Grandmother! When my boyfriend fails to perform it’s usually the cable company’s fault! About a quarter of the time, I’ll get the words: NO SIGNAL across my screen. When that happens, I just unplug and wait a few minutes. That always brings it back to life. – Hey, it’s cheaper than Viagra!

Some call it the boob tube. All I know is that my boobs perk-up when my big guy is turned on. And I turn him on almost every night, sleeping together often several times in one evening! I just mute the screen and drift off to dreamland.

Of course I fantasize about all the impressive, well-equipped models I see in magazines; the ones with the fancy features and extra inches to enhance my pleasure. (SIGH!) I dream of one to call my own.

When mine first came into my life, he was so big, colorful, and exciting I worried he would overtake me completely. He sooo rocked my world! With my new bundle I was receiving movie channels for the first time in my life! I was enjoying the rapturous wonder of a honeymoon. But I knew my special deal and sweet price would come to an end, too soon. So I was determined to enjoy it to the fullest!

That was also the year I lost ALL of my friends! – They either died, moved, or went loopy and had to be institutionalized. However, my big guy was a comfort, he helped me to cope.

Fast forward to the present! I’ve made new friends. Many things have changed. For one, I’m unfaithful to my boyfriend. I have an office romance, my little computer screen. This relationship was born of chaos and drama, plus it’s rocky at times, but never boring.

My office lover may be small in inches, but the way he works his equipment excites and fascinates me. He never fails to keep my interest! His versatility and variety leave me breathless!

Lately, my bill for this cable bundle has gone from climbing to leaping. I feel as if I’m supporting a couple of gigolos! I’m thinking it might be time to give satellite a try.

I’ve heard that in the near future TVs and computers will be combined. When that occurs, the police or Fire Dept. may be forced to break down my door with an axe. I’ll probably require a paramedic to scrape my butt from the chair. Or else they’ll discover a cadaver with a big skeletal smile across its face clutching a remote.