THE LOVE BUNDLE

Recently, I read a joke over the Internet that went something like this: A small boy was watching his grandmother dust her bedroom. “G-ma,” he asked, “why don’t you have a boyfriend?”

She smiled fondly. “The TV is my boyfriend. It makes me laugh and happy. It also enthralls me!” She reached to turn on her set, only to find the reception was poor. She raised her fist and gave it a bang, then another harder one. Still, the picture remained fuzzy.

The doorbell rang! “Go see who that is,” she told the lad.

The boy opened the door to discover their minister standing before him. “May I speak with your grandmother?” he asked.

“She’s up in her bedroom banging her boyfriend,” the kid replied.

I can certainly relate to that Grandmother! When my boyfriend fails to perform it’s usually the cable company’s fault! About a quarter of the time, I’ll get the words: NO SIGNAL across my screen. When that happens, I just unplug and wait a few minutes. That always brings it back to life. – Hey, it’s cheaper than Viagra!

Some call it the boob tube. All I know is that my boobs perk-up when my big guy is turned on. And I turn him on almost every night, sleeping together often several times in one evening! I just mute the screen and drift off to dreamland.

Of course I fantasize about all the impressive, well-equipped models I see in magazines; the ones with the fancy features and extra inches to enhance my pleasure. (SIGH!) I dream of one to call my own.

When mine first came into my life, he was so big, colorful, and exciting I worried he would overtake me completely. He sooo rocked my world! With my new bundle I was receiving movie channels for the first time in my life! I was enjoying the rapturous wonder of a honeymoon. But I knew my special deal and sweet price would come to an end, too soon. So I was determined to enjoy it to the fullest!

That was also the year I lost ALL of my friends! – They either died, moved, or went loopy and had to be institutionalized. However, my big guy was a comfort, he helped me to cope.

Fast forward to the present! I’ve made new friends. Many things have changed. For one, I’m unfaithful to my boyfriend. I have an office romance, my little computer screen. This relationship was born of chaos and drama, plus it’s rocky at times, but never boring.

My office lover may be small in inches, but the way he works his equipment excites and fascinates me. He never fails to keep my interest! His versatility and variety leave me breathless!

Lately, my bill for this cable bundle has gone from climbing to leaping. I feel as if I’m supporting a couple of gigolos! I’m thinking it might be time to give satellite a try.

I’ve heard that in the near future TVs and computers will be combined. When that occurs, the police or Fire Dept. may be forced to break down my door with an axe. I’ll probably require a paramedic to scrape my butt from the chair. Or else they’ll discover a cadaver with a big skeletal smile across its face clutching a remote.