They say if life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Forget
that, I want Lemon Meringue Pie!!! As anyone who knows me will tell you, I have
a voracious sweet tooth.
I am not being over dramatic when I say that if I don’t
adhere to a strict healthy diet, I will die in the near future. That’s reality!
Using a form of numerology and family history I once figured
out the date of my death, I don’t know how accurate it is. The date was 2034
when I’m 83 yrs old. I even got a specific day and time which I don’t care to
post, here. However, I’m a believer that
fate can be changed, with the exception of natural catastrophes of course.
Diet is a dirty four letter word to me! I love to eat, but
only food that’s actually tasty. Mealtimes were a celebrated event! I used to
sing and dance around my kitchen as I prepared them. These days, it’s more like
the gulag shuffle and groan.
With my great lust for carbs & sweets, it’s truly amazing
that I didn’t drop dead of a heart attack at age 50!
I still set a lovely table for myself, but no matter how
pretty, the food seems somehow unworthy. I loathe these awful yard clippings
they call vegetables. I want to grate cheese over them to add some taste, but
that’s on the forbidden list. Fruit is highly over-rated as a dessert!!! And
what idiot declared fruit & cheese to be a dessert, it’s clearly an
appetizer!
I used to enjoy reading restaurant reviews in the newspaper,
but no more. I just skip past them. They
only depress me, now.
Meeting friends for lunch has presented a problem. We have
to dine where I can actually eat the food without going into cardiac arrest on
the drive home. Recently, we chose Ruby Tuesday’s because of the salad bar.
Actually I’ve been to Ruby Tuesday’s many times, but I’d never seen the salad
bar before. I’ve always avoided it like a vampire avoids sunlight!
Not long ago, I attended a networking luncheon. Instead of
ordering what I really wanted, I opted for the tuna, fruit, & salad platter
believing it to be a healthier choice. But it contained more cheese than fruit
with buttery death crackers throughout. I didn’t eat the later! Dessert was
double fudge cake!!! Since it was included in the price and I’d just paid $20
for a crappy salad, I ate it.
My feet began stinging as if those big red ants I’d killed
in Mae Hong Son were haunting and having revenge. When I removed my shoes, my
feet looked like Christmas lights! Now I was feeling electric shocks! I should
have been more careful.
Now, whenever I stare at a pastry too long, I imagine the Grim
Reaper hanging from a chain swinging over me, his scythe poised to strike. If I
move closer to it, he swings lower. I want to holler, “Go away our date isn’t
until 2034!”
My brother is diabetic and swears he can eat anything
because he’s on medication. “I had a sweet roll just this morning,” he bragged
over the phone. This made me angry and jealous! I want a sweet roll, too! It’s not fair! I feel as if I’m being
punished and a prisoner. Except in prison you can have sweet rolls. I know this
for fact! Friends have told me he is misinformed and his medication does not
give him a license to indulge.
Insanity and cancer run in both sides of my family. I’ve
managed to escape the insanity by the skin of my teeth. However, both my
parents died from cancer. I’ve always wondered if I’d end up as one of those
pathetic people writing a Boomer-With- A -Tumor blog. But there’s always a
chance something else will take me down first. You just have to do the right
things and hope.
After returning from my last trip, I began decluttering my
house. (I’ve only scratched the surface.) I started with my closets. I sent all
of my smaller sized clothes off to Goodwill. I told myself I was delusional if
I thought I’d ever fit into them again. Well guess what! I’ve lost so much
weight, now I could! If I drop dead tomorrow at age 65, I’m leaving a
good-looking corpse behind!
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