ASHES TO DUST

 

You know you’re old when you start receiving invitations to cremation/funeral luncheons. The lunches are free, but you must sit thru a long sales pitch first.

I attended one around Halloween of last year along with my friend Sue. I wore what could have passed for a witch’s costume had I included my big black hat with the feathers. But I left that at home.

The following summer there was another one at the same place -- but for first time attendees only! And restaurants have become so expensive eating out is a rarity now.

I signed Sue & me up and crossed my fingers. I told Sue if they turned us away, we’d just drive to the Asian buffet up the street. I asked Sue if she remembered what she wore and to dramatically change her look.

This would be easy for me! I have wigs in a variety of colors, although it was summer and this is Florida. So instead of a wig I had my then tit-length hair cut really short. Also I wore bright colors this time.

Fortunately, we had a different speaker which was a big relief!

The previous speaker kept mentioning he was a retired male model. I thought he was joking! But he was serious. He sure didn't look like model material to me!

Both times we sat thru a 90 minute speech before lunch was served. Thank goodness there was no question & answer session as with the Neptune Society years before or it would have been 2 hours before any food.

The speeches consisted of much tugging at the heart strings. Stressing that this matter needed to be taken care of immediately or your grieving loved ones would be soaked by some cagey undertaker. Plus, we had to purchase this service right now since the price would be going up tomorrow! – That’s always a big red flag to me!

The cost was already in the thousands! And if you have a pacemaker or any other metal object it must be removed (at cost to you) because those cause the cremation ovens to explode. And there's another exorbitant cost for disposal of medical waste.

Later I mentioned this to a friend who is knowledgeable about cremations. She said the guy was full of it and laughed at the exploding ovens since corpses aren't microwaved! Any metal objects are removed from the ashes and discarded without issue. Also you can have a cremation done today for $350.

At the luncheon last summer, we were told that by purchasing the premium package they would not only remove the body but also launder your sheets, make the bed and place a rose on the pillow.

I will probably be a rotting corpse fused to my recliner. The only time my neighbors know I'm alive is when HOA fees are collected and those have tripled since the pandemic.

My father was cremated for $100 the same amount as my 18 year old dog a year later. The company that cremated my dog sent me a sympathy card. The one that cremated my dad did not. However I realize these were 2001 and 2002 prices.

I plan to have my ashes sent to my longtime friend Rose. She can make them into a piece of jewelry or turn me into a paperweight, whatever. Or she can scatter them in Timbuktu or Uganda as long as it's someplace I've never been, since I enjoy traveling to new places.

I've already made it clear to my financial adviser that when my time comes, I want it done as quickly and inexpensively as possible. I don't need a monument to myself in some cemetery.

I just hope that when I go, I'll have someone lined-up to remove me from Facebook. I don't want to be resurrected by a hacker as was a close friend of mine.

UGH!!! NOOOOOO!!!

 

A monster hurricane suddenly formed in the Gulf and was heading straight toward us with only days’ notice.

Two weeks before I’d had a particularly hectic day, so a childhood favorite seemed perfect for supper that night. I picked up a can of Campbell’s Tomato Brisque. Along with it I made a toasted cheese sandwich and prepared a salad.

With my first spoonful of soup all I could taste was SALT!!! It was as if someone poured an entire shaker in! It tasted downright gaggy! In retrospect, I should have poured it down the sink. But I was hungry, plus I have an aversion to wasting food.

Perhaps it’s just coincidence or maybe a pre-existing condition was aggravated, but the next day I noticed my right foot & ankle was swollen and my left one was tingling up into the calve.

I had one Frankenstein foot. And worse, this wasn’t going away! Plus the heel of my right foot felt as if it had hot broken glass under the skin.

How could I ever wear shoes? The right one would never fit! And if I struggled to force it, I’d be limping in agony!

This brought back vivid memories.

During my trip to Ecuador, I endured TWO Frankenstein feet up in the Andes. Those flat-heeled walking shoes I bought that were perfect for a day at the mall were murder to my feet on those cobble stone streets.

Over in the Galapagos Islands I purchased an oversized pair of flip-flops that allowed me to explore with more comfort. I ended up wearing these on the plane ride home. And I felt self-conscious about it.

Later on my trip to Thailand, I was horrified when my feet & ankles swelled on the plane before even landing in Bangkok. And this time I’d purchased better walking shoes, too! The sides of these shoes were bulging just like in Ecuador. I was in torturous pain!

Half-way thru my tour of Thailand, both my calves swelled as well. I could no longer recognize my own legs in the mirror!

Once on the plane I went barefoot until it landed. This was back in 2016.

Fast-forward to October 2024. A doctor put me on medication and I was forbidden to eat anything from a can, bag, or box for 5 days. Plus, I had to drink so much water I felt waterlogged. Half that time I was cat-sitting. The medication made me tired and loopy. I was thankful to get off it.

The last day of my cat-sitting stint the hurricane was all over the news warning everyone here on the Treasure Coast to prepare. This was a backdoor one and I wasn’t sure if it was going to land as a full-fledged hurricane or a nasty tropical storm.

FPL sent emails stating to expect a prolonged outage. That meant I’d be living on canned food which was forbidden to me just the week before. And the thought of throwing away all that expensive food in my fridge & freezer made me ill, so I started eating frozen dinners for breakfast and dinner.

My right foot & ankle began swelling again.

The afternoon before the hurricane was wild! Record tornadoes were striking all over South Florida! These were not Florida tornadoes, but giant ones like in Kansas that took Dorothy to Oz!

The one that came thru here was worse than the hurricane! I’ve had plenty of experience with hurricanes, but none with tornadoes!

It was followed by torrential rain. The street in front of my house became a canal. By 8:00 AM the following day the hurricane had passed and thankfully I still had electricity.

Every yard in my neighborhood looked like a disaster area. But it could have been much worse, I am so grateful it wasn’t. I can live with a swollen foot & ankle.

DEMENTIA & PRESIDENTS, OTHERS TOO

 

If Joe Biden has dementia/Alzheimer’s and I’m not saying he has, he wouldn’t be the first President. Republican Ronald Reagan had this mental disorder for fact!

I vividly recall his pathetic and cringe worthy performance in a debate right before his second term. Yet, people voted for him anyway! And it was said his entire second term Nancy Reagan was the actual President of the United States.

Based solely on my observation along with his history, Donald Trump has multiple mental disorders, and dementia may very well be one of them. This man should be nowhere near the White House!

Dementia/Alzheimer’s is not something that happens overnight, it’s a gradual process. There are lucid days when the person seems perfectly normal. These days become fewer and rarer as time passes.

I lost my two best friends in the world to this. It happened around the end of the double zero decade. And in 2022, two of my three remaining cousins died from it as well.

Long before that, my stepmother also had this mental disorder. And worse, my father was in denial and constantly made excuses for her!

My father had many good qualities, one of his worst was that he didn’t like dealing with problems. Therefore, nothing was ever a problem. He seemed to feel they’d disappear if he just ignored them.

However, this was rarely the case!

He was forced to wake up when she put a metal pan in the microwave. Her behavior was constantly becoming more bizarre.

I told him something needed to be done! He insisted it was up to her doctor! I pointed out her doctor didn’t live with her and was clueless.

So, Dad contacted her sister for help. The sister stated my father was her husband and she threw the problem back in his lap!

Step-mommy moved out and got a condo claiming I was the villain in all this!

Before long, her condo neighbors were complaining of her odd behavior. Eventually she was arrested for standing topless on her balcony. She stood before oncoming traffic as well as other condos. And she was stinking drunk, too.

Stepmom was sent to the hospital for observation, and then to another for diagnosis and treatment, and later to a home. The first, she was thrown out due to damages she caused, plus frightening other patients. The second one, she climbed a wall and escaped, but didn’t know where to go.

But thankfully, by this time, she’d been permanently removed from our lives!

SUMMER'S END

 

If happiness had a fragrance it would smell like popcorn. All the fun places sell it! Just a vague scent lifts the spirit bringing back wonderful memories of summers past.

For me, this summer has been busy, stressful, and costly! In this winter of my years, I prefer my summers uneventful, indoors and with air-conditioning.

An evening with popcorn plus a riveting movie feels like heaven to me. Unfortunately, this was far and few between over the summer, especially the latter.

I’m ready to OD on crime and court shows! Since I wasn’t into the Olympics that’s about all I found interesting that wasn’t a re-run.

However, during the day, I worked on my new novel. All of them would make entertaining movies, far more than many I’ve seen! And creating these gets my juices flowing, excites me and gives me something to look forward to.

And like movies, they take my mind off the fact I’m old, poor, and my health is declining.

Not to mention a crematorium is getting closer with every tick of the clock! I just hope I’m one hundred per cent dead when I’m thrown in the oven. – I’ve read of corpses coming back to life on the embalming table.

And corpses are not embalmed for cremation.

Perhaps I should state in my will that I want an icepick to the brain beforehand. And the morticians to throw popcorn into the oven along with me. That way at least I can enjoy the aroma while my life is flashing before me, or while I’m going into the light.

I’ve read that corpses of older people burn-up quicker than the young, and women faster than men.

There are days I feel as if I died tomorrow it would be a blessing. Life has just become way too complicated and expensive!

However, there’s the issue of an afterlife. – I don’t want one! I hope this is the end, period. The last thing I want is to be reunited with my dead relatives. And I tend to believe something happens to us after death. I’ve experienced ghosts and other weird phenomena I’ve only touched on in my blog.

Also, I believe in reincarnation since I’ve seen flashes of previous lives under autohypnosis. But I’m hoping these were just brain glitches. I don’t want another go-round on this planet.

Summer may be ending soon, but hurricane season is not! In fact, it’s ramping up! Due to climate change it lasts thru November now.

Plus, there’s the upcoming election! Right now, all I want is for hurricane season to be over and Donald Trump gone!

THIS CENTURY SUCKS

 

My old computer was unable to update and my printer broke years ago. Both needed replacing. So I went to Best Buy; an even more expensive undertaking than I was expecting, but I had no choice.

Three different techs arrived at my house to set everything up. However, only the computer set-up turned out to be free. I had to pay extra for the printer. Plus now I had to subscribe and pay an ongoing fee for WORD. Without this, I would be unable to access my manuscripts or blog work – this was free on my old computer!

Also I subscribed to the protection plan at least for the first two years since I’m not a tech person and things have a way of going wrong!

One tech set-up my Chromecast since I planned to switch to steaming. My cable bill is crazy high even with my special promotion that expires around Christmas. And I don’t even get movie channels anymore which I miss!

To my disappointment I was told that a smartphone is required for streaming, (excuse my grammar) I don’t got and don’t’ want!

I prefer my landline. It has a comfortable ear & mouthpiece, plus a cord. The latter I’m told is too confining and you’re stuck in one place. – Tell me, why is it necessary to walk around when you’re on a phone? Unless I’m sitting at my deck getting instructions for one of these devices I’m not on that long.

And I hate cellphones! They’re dinky and expensive! Many have asked me when I’m going to join the 21^st century. My response is that I don’t like the 21^st century!

Best Buy told me to call ATT and have my router updated. The router was free, but the installation was not! A hundred-dollar fee was added to my ATT bill immediately. Earlier that AM I noticed my bill had already risen before this charge!

Later when the ATT tech arrived, I was informed my router didn’t need updating! His hundred-dollar visit was unnecessary! However the man was pleasant and helpful. He sat down and fixed the bugs in my new computer. These had me clawing my brain almost tearing my hair out.

Also he took my old computer & printer that BB left on my floor for me to figure out how to dispose.

Plus, he looked over my TV & Chromecast. I asked if he could make that white line which suddenly appeared at the bottom of my screen disappear. Sadly I was informed that my TV was starting to go.

He agreed with Best Buy that I needed a smartphone to stream. Also I needed a special attachment from ATT that cost ten dollars per month! – BB never mentioned this!

I was told by both ATT & BB that I’m better off sticking with cable due to my lack of tech skills along with the fact I can’t afford commercial-free streaming. I’m used to fast-forwarding thru them.

I’ve watched three-hour movies reduced to almost a mere hour with the commercials gone. That’s an hour of my life! And at my age I don’t have that many left on this planet!

But I’m nearly at the end of my rope with ATT and Comcast was such a pain I was glad to be rid of it. Now I’m paying a lot more for far less!

I consulted with a knowledgeable lady named Robin who insisted I don’t need a smartphone to stream, but I may have to ditch my Chromecast and replace it with Firestick.

And I talked to my friend Rose who now lives in another city. She said all I need to stream is a smart TV and a Roku.

I really HATE the 21^st century!!!

THAT NIGHT IN JULY

 

The time was around 9:30 PM and I was nodding off to sleep. I go to bed early since I get up at 5:30 AM due to fractured sleep. Suddenly I was jarred awake by a cacophony of loud noises outside!

Looking out my kitchen window I could tell it was coming from my air conditioner. I raced outdoors! The outside unit was literally shaking back & forth along with the racket. All of a sudden it stopped.

I walked over and noticed a strange object hanging out. I tried to pick it up, but the thing was gooey & slimy. I went back inside to wash my hand and get a flashlight.

The thing turned out to be a ribboned garter snake. That's when the ick factor kicked in!

But now I was hit with a big worry; did this thing break or damage my air conditioner. It was fairly new and only a year old. The middle of summer in Florida is no time to be without air conditioning. Fortunately it came back on with no issues.

In broad daylight the following morning I scrapped the snake off and out. I noticed its markings; it must have been quite pretty when alive. I felt sad, no creature deserved to die such a death as that one.

However had it damaged my unit and cost me a big repair bill I would have been cursing that thing up and down!

THE FILTHY UNMENTIONABLE

 

I try to hold my blog to a certain standard although sometimes I backslide. However on the plus side many of my readers will learn a new vocabulary word; albeit one they might have been happy never knowing. The word is COPROPHAGIA.

To be blunt it means eating poop! Nearly every dog I've ever owned did this. Although there was absolutely no reason for it since all were well fed. They did this because they enjoyed it! My last one was the worst offender of all. Her name was Coco and she lived to be 18.

In my previous neighborhood few people actually walked their dogs or picked up after them. They just turned them loose to do their duty on other's property. We all owned large lots so no one complained. And to Coco this meant a buffet!

I was always making up jokes such as:

What does Coco like to eat on a cold winter day?  ------  Campbell's Chicken Poop!

Who are Coco's favorite matinee idols? ------  Victor Manure & Gary Pooper!

What are Coco's favorite movie snacks:  ------- Poop Corn, Tootsie Poops, & Poopsi Cola!

"Who are Coco's favorite African American celebrities? -------  Spike Pee & Poopy Goldberg!

I came up with thousands of these but I'll spare you!

Constantly I was racing to the cat's litter box before Coco got there. She seemed to consider cat poop a delicacy comparable to a rare imported chocolate for humans.

After coming inside she'd make a beeline to the litter box and root thru it. Finding nothing she'd run to the cat and shove her behind as if to say, "Get in that box and make me a snack!"

Not long ago I was telling my friend Rose that if we could come up with a dog treat that tasted like poop we'd be instant millionaires! I even had a name for these, "POOZ" along with a TV commercial ideas.

I imagined the camera zeroing in on an upscale pair of designer shoes. A manicured hand emerges to feed 2 sharpies. An elegant lady leans over and smiles into the camera and says. "I don't mind Pooz on my shoes. You'll never smell any pews from these Pooz!"

We could even appear on Shark Tank wearing poop beanies with our Pooz T-shirts. On the front would be a photo of a dog declaring, "Heed my clues I choose Pooz!"

Also I came up with a slogan, too. "As you relax with your booze treat your dog to a Pooz!"

I could picture billboards all over the country featuring packs of dogs hollowing, "We choose Pooz!"

Our target shark and focus would be Robert Herjavec because he's a dog lover. Although I can just hear Kevin say, "Crush these dung beetles!" 

My friend Rose pointed out that it's humans who buy the treats and likely would be repulsed. Sadly for my idea dogs don't grocery shop.