DARK THOUGHTS ON A SUNNY SUNDAY

GLOOMY SUNDAY is a Hungarian song written in the 1930’s. This particular song is said to be responsible for multiple suicides. But remember, those were the Great Depression years. Not long ago, I heard it sung. Yes, it is a truly awful song! But I would be more inclined to murder the singer than myself.

Ditto for anything sung by Loretta Twang or Tammy Whinette. Whenever I’m trapped in a place where I can’t turn them off, I fantasize about lunging for their throats and strangling them to make that awful noise stop! I’ve heard Patsy Cline recordings, so I know good country singers actually exist.

A Facebook friend recently posted on her Timeline that nothing in life was going her way and she was ready to quit. I was at a loss at what to say to her, even though I was in that same state of despair for 2 long decades.

To quote Tolstoy, “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” This is true of individuals as well.

I get the vibe that this person is just lonely. – And I just can’t relate to that!

Perhaps it’s because I was raised as an only child. (My brother is 11 years older.) I learned from an early age how to entertain myself, something that seems impossible for others.

Provided I had electricity and food parachuted-in at regular intervals, I could live happily alone on an island somewhere.

If anything, I’ve always felt suffocated and poisoned by all the toxic people around me.

Now that I’m alone, I’m in ecstasy! As long as I have my health, a roof over my head and enough money to eat and pay my bills, I feel blessed. Everything else, problems etc. seem trivial. But I realize that with old age, illness and inflation all of this will slowly go underwater or suddenly be destroyed at some point in the future. 

They say money can’t buy happiness. But I can’t think of one of my problems that money couldn’t solve. But I wouldn’t trade my problems for anyone else’s any more than I’d want to be someone else.

I’m not an extravagant person! I still drive the 1997 used station-wagon my dad bought right before we moved up to Vero Beach. Nor do I frequent beauty parlors or spas. To be honest, they are not my thing. And when I am eventually forced to trade-in my old car I will probably cry. We’ve been thru so much together and made so many memories. It will be a sad day.

What I do miss are those exotic foreign vacations I used to enjoy. However, I knew when I lost that staggering amount in GM Bonds the only way I’d ever see the world again is on a screen. I’ll admit this leaves me depressed. I used to live for those trips!

Whenever I stop to think of what my future might be, death is looking a lot more appealing, especially if I’m in some sort of group home or forced to labor at a tedious, soul-crushing job that makes me dread each new day. The older I get, the more it feels like I’ve stayed overlong in an alien country where I don’t like the natives! At the same time, I’m not ready to move on. Mostly, I love my life despite the negatives.

I consider this period my renaissance!

Right now, today is bright and sunny, but come afternoon a storm will set in. It usually does this time of year; you can almost count on it. Way more bad things seem to happen than good. If life can be compared to a fairytale, it's a dark one. You just have to stay strong, sober, and deal with it.

SELF-SERVE GETS ON MY LAST NERVE

SO DO OTHER PEOPLE’S GERMS!!!

The only place self-service belongs is at an all-you-can-eat buffet. I try to get there right after the doors open. That’s when the food and utensils are less likely to be touched by other patron’s germy fingers. And I always hope the staff scrubbed-up well before the food prep.  

It also annoys me when my computer or TV is on the fritz, then the cable company insists on giving me instructions over the phone on how to fix it myself. I’m not a technical person and I don’t feel comfortable messing around with a bunch of wires. I worry I’m going to disconnect the wrong one, the contraption will explode and I’ll be standing there with fried hair, covered in soot, doing the electric sizzle shake. – And that’s a best case scenario!

Now I read that soon we’ll all be scanning our own groceries. – I don’t even like pumping my own gas! Touching that handle grosses me out. Imagine how germy that thing must be! You never know where the fingers of the previous persons have been.

It reminds me of those men who ferret thru your suitcases at the airport. They should be forced to wear gloves! For all you know they could have been picking their noses or worse. Later, you’re liable to find boogers in your underwear.

Of course that could happen now with your groceries as well. And how do we really know for sure if those cashiers wash their hands in the restroom. There’s no camera over the sink. But I always figure anything unpleasant on their fingers will come off on the groceries of the people in front of me.

However, if I am going to be scanning my own groceries, I want the cashier’s salary! It’s only fitting since I’m doing their job! At the very least, I should get a big discount! But I’m not holding my breath. It is for the store’s convenience and bottom line, not mine.

This heinous trend like many others began in the 1970’s and has gotten worse ever since. Returning from vacation, I dropped 6 rolls of film on a drugstore counter to be developed. A separate form was required for each roll. The girl behind the counter shot me an evil glance for each one written up.

“What hostility!” I exclaimed to my dad as we walked away. “I’m never taking my film there again.”

“You made her work.” He laughed. “Don’t you know you’re not supposed to do that!”

The following year, I took my vacation film to a photography shop. The young guy there was clearly on something illegal that should remain that way. He was unable to write or retain anything I said. This was a simple task! But the light behind his eyes had a loose bulb. And worse he was there all alone! Frustrated, I took the paper and pen from his hand and wrote the order up myself. – I sure hope he wasn’t driving himself home!

The next time, I believe it was around 1978, I went to the photography dept. of a new pharmacy. They just shoved the forms at me and tossed over a pen. It’s been the downfall of civilization ever since. 

THE HOLIDAY AT THE END OF THE WEEK

A post on Facebook read: STOP LOOKING FORWARD TO FRIDAY, MAKE EVERY DAY SPECIAL! – Actually, that’s NOT such a good idea. The weekend is my time to be lazy and self-indulgent, to eat pizza & ice cream and watch movies on my DVR in the middle of the afternoon. Unless I’m going out with friends, the weekend is make-up free. And during the warmer months, clothes-free, too!

I’ve heard retired folks say, “Every day is Saturday”. These people must have maids!!!

As a semi-retired, struggling writer, I’m home most of the time. But there’s always housework, fun activities such as vacuuming, dusting, washing, & ironing, etc... But on the weekend, anything that pertains to that certain 4 letter word (WORK) is out of mind until Monday. My weekend officially begins Friday afternoon after the mailman arrives, usually around 2:00 PM.

Back when I worked outside the home, Saturday & Sunday were just as busy and stressful as the rest of the week. I spent all day Saturday trying to cram a week’s worth of housework into that 1 day. All of Sunday was spent getting ready for the week ahead. There was little time to just catch my breath and relax.

I’ve always felt there should be 2 extra days sandwiched between Saturday & Sunday. The order would be Friday, Saturday, Marsday, Starsday, & Sunday. But until I can get the rest of the planet on board, Marsday and Starsday languish in the dimension between worlds.

Nowadays my weekend exists only for the things I truly enjoy!!! All the best horror & sci-fi movies on my DVR await me! I delight in a ménage a trois with Ben & Jerry. My 2 current favorites together: special edition cotton candy and sweet cream with the salted caramel core. My dinner table is decorated all pretty just for me. I eat only the cuisine I enjoy the most.

EVERY WEEKEND IS A HOLIDAY!!! Also it could be called my vacation at home.

This is a time not to be weighed down by thoughts of the past or what may happen in the future, but to revel in the NOW, relishing every moment! Everything but the most serious of problems will be placed on hold.

Saturday, I get up around 5:30 AM just to make the day last longer. And usually I stay up later on Saturday nights. The only thing I do that remotely resembles work is write. My words always seem to flow better then.

However, Sunday evening has an element of sadness. I’m aware that I’m quickly running out of weekend. I can almost feel Monday seeping up thru the ground, its long gnarled talons scraping my feet.

I realize there’s a time and place for everything. If extraordinary things became every day, they would soon be common place. The special times would cease to be.  

WHERE'S HARRY??????

Wow! A real castle with pretty maids all in a row! -- Actually, the later part is more like a bevy of bimbos, giggling and strutting their stuff, gold-digger’s one and all. Add a dead ringer for Prince Harry and you’ve got my guilty pleasure of the summer! Tuesday nights I was salivating with anticipation. The show of course is I WANT TO MARRY HARRY. I recorded it on my DVR and eagerly stayed up past my bedtime to watch.

Suddenly it vanished! Without warning the show was pulled half-way thru its run. How could FOX do that! A sadistic maneuver for sure! Now I’d never see the expression on the winner’s face after learning she’d been played for a sucker.

I confess, I’ve been watching the remaining shows online in my office, but it’s just NOT the same. I miss my big screen, my rocker recliner and my DVR! If there’s a way to zap out all those annoying commercials someone please let me know!

Normally, I find dating shows a snore and don’t watch them, except of course when there’s an interesting twist.

I was riveted during the two JOE MILLIONAIRE series of the previous decade. But I preferred the 2^nd with the callow cowboy and the back-biting European women. This phony millionaire chose a passive-aggressive neurotic who left him standing alone humiliated. But she changed her mind after he received an impressive consolation prize. That show tanked in the ratings, thank goodness it was never pulled! I had dial-up back then.

Later, came the three AVERAGE JOE series. Ordinary guys got a shot at a model/actress type from whom they would never receive a glance otherwise. A blonde, brunette, & redhead respectively were offered up as prizes. In AVERAGE JOE no. 2, the brunette threw a major fit on camera after getting a gander at the guys paraded before her. She later apologized for her behavior. To bump up the drama and ratings, male models and body builders were suddenly added to the completion. Only in AVERAGE JOE no. 3 did the ordinary guy end up winning the hot-looking woman.

Also I recall a show where a 20 something guy was thrown before a pride of cougars like a pork chop. At the half-way point, young babes were thrown into the mix. They entered with arrogance and attitude, almost as if to say, “OK, the old ladies can leave now.” However they received their comeuppance when many of the old broads looked better in their swimsuits than they did. 

I also watched a midget choose between diminutive women and average sized ones. That show was just lukewarm.

One of my favorites was DATING IN THE DARK. Strangers, 3 men and 3 women would pair off into couples and grope each other in a pitch-dark room. Later, they would be allowed to view their choice in the light, and then decide whether they wanted a relationship. Each week featured a different group. The episode that stands out in my mind is the one where all 3 women fought viciously over the same man. After they glimpsed him in the light, he went home alone.

Never will I forget the show were all the participants were in chains! This was a particularly good one! It aired way back around 2000. The prize (man or woman) was chained at the center with 2 suitors shackled on each side. -- A contestant would need to be a certain personality type to tolerate this. Each morning when the bedroom door opened, I half expected to see dead bodies strewn across the floor, all with a hand lopped off. I found it amazing that no one ever snapped! And of course there were individual dates. In these cases, the ones not selected would trail behind the courting couple on an extra long chain about 20 to 30 feet.

A friend told me I shouldn’t watch these types of dating shows because they’re mean-spirited. However, none of the participants come across as the shy, sensitive type to me. It is their choice to be there. And I know they’re getting SOMETHING out of it!

Someone else told me these shows are probably scripted and it is the viewing audience who is being played for suckers. That may be true. There is always one obvious bitchbo or rat-bastard that is kept around far too long, probably for ratings. I don’t care just as long as I continue to be entertained.

The Harry impostor claims to be searching for a woman to love him for himself. I want to reach thru the screen and shake him! He should re-read the show’s title, then write it on a blackboard 200 times or until it sinks in. On the coming attraction it appears one of the babes finally catches on. This should be good! -- A pox on FOX for pulling this show and forcing me to watch on the computer!

UPDATE:  The HARRY show had a sweet ending. He & his babe rode off together on a 2-seater bicycle. Of course he went with the safe choice, which was smart, since as it turned out, a whole lot of money was involved.
 

SOME LIKE IT COOL

The only place I’ve ever been that was hotter than Florida in the summer was Acapulco, Mexico. I was there twice and both times in late fall. Yet the heat was almost unbearable! And just hours before I was up in the Sierra Madres where everyone was wearing sweaters. It was a silver mining town called Taxco. I would have preferred more time there and less on the beach. I grew up on Florida’s Treasure Coast; a beach is nothing extraordinary to me.

This year I was late putting winter into hibernation. I didn’t start cleaning and packing away all my blankets and long-sleeved clothes until just recently. I was still clinging to that foolish hope we’d get one last cool spell before the summer heat set in. While others were shivering up north, Florida was miserably mild this past winter.

I’ve always felt that Florida was a wrong fit for me. I don’t want ice and snow, but I don’t like sweating 8 months of the year either! I need a little bite in the air to be comfortable.

Many here claim to LOVE the heat. “It’s impossible to get too hot for me!” they bellow. -- I wonder how they’d enjoy Hell. In my humble opinion, it’s the perfect spot for them.

I’m a fair-skinned Nordic type who doesn’t have much tolerance for sun and heat. Plus I sweat like a horse! During July & August, sunscreen streaks down my face in long rivulets just walking across a parking lot from my car to the supermarket or mall. I can’t wait to get into the air-conditioning!

I’ve always said June is the only good summer month; technically it’s still spring until the 21st. After that comes the sweltering heat with its hellish humidity, followed by hurricane anxiety. Usually in June, at least the nights and mornings are still comfortable.

About 5 or 6 years ago, on the tail end of June, the first miserably hot morning of summer arrived. This was on a Saturday during my movie-hopping period. I heard the air-conditioner kick-on before I left around 10:00 AM for a fun-filled day. I managed to watch 3 movies on 1 ticket and didn’t get home until around 5:30 PM.

As I stepped from my garage into my house, I found myself inside a sweat box!!! I couldn’t understand, because I heard the A.C. running. In a panic, I phoned a repairman. Because the following day was Sunday, he wanted almost double to fix it.

I thought back to my childhood. We lived in 2 houses that didn’t even have air-conditioning. And these were nice homes, too! Plus none of our friend’s homes had A.C. either! This seems unthinkable now. We just sweltered and suffered. Nor did our homes have over-head fans, just the mobile kind.

My family didn’t live in an air-conditioned home until we bought our house on the river in 1960. However, my father refused to turn it on until almost the end of July due to the cost. And this was when he had his high-paying job!

The old air-conditioners were costly because they ran constantly. I miss them! The new energy efficient ones alternately sweat and freeze you. Throughout the day I’m always pulling off clothes and putting them back on. Of course my A.C. is set high to save money. Mostly I keep my blinds shut and walk around nude.

OK , so to save a few bucks, I told the repairman I’d stick it out until Monday. Naturally, the rest of the weekend was horrid! That night, and the next, it was too hot to sleep in my bed. I slept on the floor between the over-head fan and my large open bedroom window. There was a bit of a breeze. Still, it was miserable. I had not slept on a floor since the last hurricane.

Time seems to zoom-by faster each year as I grow older. Another summer has arrived all too soon. Knock-on-wood that my A.C. will run problem-free throughout the days ahead, also that El Nino keeps this hurricane season an uneventful one.

DISTORTED & CONTORTED IMAGES

Sometimes I think my house is outfitted with those special mirrors. You know, the magic ones made especially for men, the kind that reveals only an idealized version of you.

A man can be balding with bad teeth and a beer gut, or even look like TV’s Crypt Keeper and still see an Adonis gazing back.

Women, on the other hand, own cursed mirrors. They see only flaws.

In my case, I’m blessed with waning eyesight. -- Hey, getting older isn’t all bad!

Life will never be fair, so as women, we have to work a little harder. There is nothing wrong with vanity. It’s actually a positive trait!

Of course the reason I’m harping on this so much of late is because I’ve co-authored a budget beauty, self-improvement, healthy lifestyle manual with April Sampson. Also my vanity saved my sanity! Yes my hair is colored, my lips tattooed, and my teeth capped. This is the image of MY creation and I am proud of it!

I’ve heard women crow about how they never bother to diet or wear cosmetics because they accept themselves as really they are. -- How sad that they’re willing to settle!

Almost anyone can be attractive with effort, some more than others. Of course there are those rare few who will only look good if the light is dim, you’re drunk, close one eye and squint with the other. Those have a good excuse!  

I’ve heard the argument that ladies should go natural because men don’t need to paint their faces. Personally, I think they should. Because most men are homely! Except for drag queens and they are awesome! But then, I love pizzazz & razzmatazz!

Plus I can’t stand being limited to the same look all the time. That’s why I own so many wigs in different styles and colors. If you don’t follow my blog, I’m asexual. Drag queens aren’t the only female impersonators around!

Here’s a joke I just made-up: What’s the difference when a straight guy gets the hots for a drag queen vs. an asexual? – With a drag queen the guy actually stands a chance of getting laid!

I’ll admit I’d love to see straight men forced into the same tight, revealing, uncomfortable clothes women slip into every day. There would be a riot!

Cosmetics enhance your natural beauty. It’s not how much you wear, but how it’s applied that does the trick. Clothes and make-up add to an aura. Plus it’s a healthy high! When you look great, your spirit soars!

Yes, it is an illusion, but a POSITIVE one!!! -- And don’t give me that crap about how only inner beauty counts! From what I’ve seen, inner beauty is far easier to fake! I’ve known Mary Goodhearts with their sweet words and tight embraces. They gain your trust only to thrust a knife your back! The most virulent of all masks is the one worn on the inside! Evil people in history were often the most charming and charismatic.

Look around, few seem to take any pride in their appearance anymore. Nowadays most look as if they’ve just given up. Gadzooks, no one expects you to look perfect!

Never compare yourself to the air-brushed images in print; this is advertising for crying out loud! Get a grip! Many decry these as negative because it makes unattractive women depressed. Oh BOO HOO! Isn’t it bad enough we’ve dumbed-down our schools so poor students can have self-esteem. Now we have to ugly-down our women, too! Geez!!!

DON'T BANK ON ANYTHING

Spring 1964 I was now a teenager of several months. It filled me with both pride and fear. I was attending the “special” school in West Palm Beach. The following fall, I would be returning to regular junior high back in my hometown. Just the thought of it made me sick! I dreaded being thrust back into that soul-crushing atmosphere, its caste system and harassment.

During the week, my mother and I rented an apartment within walking distance of the “special” school. Fridays, Dad drove down after work to bring us home for the weekends. We always stopped to dine out on the way home. This time the conversation was of particular interest.

My father had become aware of a bank in Kansas for sale. This was an opportunity he couldn’t ignore. With his keen business mind, he could build it into a gold mine.

Until then, I didn’t even know that a private citizen could buy a bank! I loved the idea! Starting over fresh in a different state seemed like an exciting new adventure!

My father had been to Kansas in his youth and was unimpressed. He said the terrain was flat and plain as a turn-of-the century schoolmarm. Also it was tornado alley and they were worse than hurricanes. At this point, we’d yet to deal with a hurricane and its aftermath.

We knew this move would bring tremendous change to all our lives.

Kansas being landlocked meant we would be giving up our boat. We lived on the St. Lucie River only minutes from the ocean. My parents loved to spend long hours fishing. I didn’t care for it. But sometimes instead, we’d find a small deserted island in the inlet to picnic and swim. I loved that! But I was willing to sacrifice. We could always vacation in Florida, or someplace else with a beach. Or my folks could retire here later on.

Dad felt more than a twinge of guilt at the thought of leaving his job. This company had given him his big break. Many others would have gouged out their left eye for his position and paycheck! Also a concept called company loyalty existed back then. Job-hoppers were looked down upon. It was a completely different mindset. Dad wanted more time to think. He would tell us his decision the following Friday.

I was ready, right then to leave Florida! The week ahead was a long one, tense with excitement. The next time I saw my father, I hollered, “When are we leaving for Kansas!?”

I knew instantly by his body language we weren’t. He looked away.

“I thought it over,” he said. “I felt it would change our lives too drastically.”

Crestfallen, I knew I would be returning to my hometown school at summer’s end. I felt sick all over again. Fools will tell you that the things you worry about in life never come to pass. Well, they do happen, and sometimes even worse than you can imagine!!! -- I speak from experience.

Add to that those horrible catastrophes that blindside! Less than a year later, my dad’s company collapsed, along with our privileged lifestyle. The boss had been keeping 2 sets of books! My father was suddenly unemployed! – Talk about a drastic change to all our lives, not to mention a boss who was deceitful and disloyal to employees and clients, both.

Had Dad resigned and bought the bank in Kansas, we would have been safely away from all that. Everything would be different today!

The Kansas bank was never mentioned again. But I wonder how often my father thought about it.

Also the following September we were hit by our first hurricane.


UPDATE:

I have since learned that Florida has many deadly tornadoes. This is news to me! During my 60 plus years in this state, I've never been hit by one. I have however survived 6 serious hurricanes.