THE CRAPPY CRUISE BLUES

Vacation season is almost here. I would rather bungee-jump with my hair on fire than take another cruise!

I've a friend in the cruise business who cannot fathom why I dislike them.

I've endured only 1 cruise, but the memory will last a lifetime! I was 17 yrs old. It was a 3 day excursion to the Bahamas with my dad. A trip to which I had long looked forward.

Well, it was the second 3 most miserable days of my life! The first being when I was dropped off at my aunt & uncle's farm at age 9. The whole inside of their home smelled like cow manure.

A small, but vicious Pekingese dog was tied to their covered front porch where it lived. -- They didn't allow dogs inside their house. I don't understand why, the place couldn't have stunk any worse!

Theirs was the 1st house I'd ever seen that didn't have a back door. Because of that damn dog, I was prisoner in that smelly house for my entire visit! The dog did not want to make friends. It wanted to taste my flesh!

All I had to amuse myself was TV. Their set had a huge dark spot that covered a quarter of the screen because the picture tube was almost shot.

In retrospect, they should have put the dog in the barn during my stay. They were aware of the problem, but just dismissed it. I never returned!

Back to the Bahamas cruise, it was a Norwegian ship. (The same country that decades later would produce the film DEAD SNOW.) The Captain and crew were all Norwegian. Plus only Norwegian items were sold in the gift shop.

My father must have booked the cheapest room available. Because I've seen walk-in closets with more space. It had narrow bunk beds. I was on top and worried all night I'd turn in my sleep and end up on the floor. The toilet was inside the shower. There was only 1 small, round window. It was up so high we couldn't see out. The place had a dungeon feel.

A constant vibrating throughout the ship gave me a dull headache.

Passengers were required to eat at designated hours, at an assigned table. We were seated with 4 Midwestern college kids, 2 girls & 2 boys who arrived separately. They were friendly and polite, as were we. But outside of that we had nothing in common. They told us they had saved a long time for this trip. I felt sorry for them.

Since my father and I didn't gamble, we spent our evenings at the ship's theatre. It ran movies I'd already seen on TV multiple times. One was from the 1940's and was in black & white.

The swimming pool was tiny, and so crammed with people they could barely maneuver.

The closest thing to live entertainment was orientation with the Captain the 1st evening. Afterward, a black comedian told jokes at the ship's expense. Such as, "Our movies are so old they hobble on a cane and creak!" and "My bathtub at home is larger than the swimming pool!" -- He wasn't funny, just honest!

There wasn't a lot to see and do in the Bahamas. It seemed rather third- worldish back then. Yes, the beaches were beautiful. But we have those right here in Florida.

Later, during my 20's I took numerous escorted tours around Europe by motor coach. Now those were actually fun!!! If I could afford it, I'd still be doing it today. The scenery was far more interesting than just staring at the ocean. Plus European cuisine is worth a trip in itself!

And my father stayed behind! When I wanted to splurge a week's salary on a night at the Moulin Rouge in Paris, I did it! I will always have that memory.

The only unpleasant part was catching connecting flights. Airlines are notoriously bad about not adhering to schedules. The personnel were rude even back then. But the wonderful sights and experiences abroad made it all worth the frustration and stress.

If I ever win the lottery I'm off to see the world again! And I will be traveling by airplane and motor coach.

MY TICKET TO THE TITANIC

　
Recently, I bought myself a front row seat for TITANIC the musical at our local community theatre. I found it more poignant than the 1997 movie, which I saw on the big screen for maximum effect.

I know I'm in the minority, but I found the film disappointing. I thought the cheesy romance cheapened the whole tragedy. Back then, there was a standard of decency that does not exist today.

To my eyes, Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio made an incongruous couple. She looked 25 and he looked 15. It was lousy casting.

I didn't have a high opinion of the Rose character. If I remember correctly, she was marrying that swarthy, smarmy rich guy to pay off debts incurred by her deceased father. Once she pulled her disappearing act at the end, these debts fell directly onto the back of her widowed mom. Who probably had no skills beyond being a wife and mother. Remember this was shortly after the turn of the century. -- Nice kid!

Now they are releasing this film in 3D. Personally, I think they should leave bad enough alone.

A far superior movie version was made for TV way back in 1981. I believe it was a two-parter called S.O.S. TITANIC. They focused on several stories, not just one. All of them were actually interesting.

When I first heard about a live musical based on the Titanic, I thought it seemed inappropriate. We all know it didn't have a happy ending! However, it was masterfully written and performed. It started out light-hearted and hopeful with lots of humor which made the tragedy all the greater.

Also I was curious to see how the final scene would be staged. It was done verbally, just as action scenes in the ancient Greek plays. The actors were as good, if not better than most paid professionals. They all possessed star quality!

Three years ago, I saw the live play, SCOTLAND ROAD, a supernatural tale involving the Titanic. It was an expensive show with professional actors, too. I had a prominent and generous (albeit suffocating) boyfriend back then. I enjoyed the performance, but the end left the audience scratching their heads trying to come up with an explanation. -- Twilight Zone territory!

Believe if I'd been stuck aboard the sinking ship, I would have been shoving furniture overboard. Watching to see what floats, then jumping on top of it.

So many lives were lost all because of the greed and arrogance of a few. Sound familiar? A thousand years from now, the Titanic tragedy will remain a source of fascination. -- If the human race is still around, then.

WALK LIKE THE DEAD

Oh horror of horrors, THE WALKING DEAD has come to it's season finale! I am lost! Every week, I was there amongst them. Now I feel like an ambling zombie on the hunt for a meal.

I'm surprised the walkers didn't besiege that farm long ago. One good-sized herd, well it finally arrived. Actually it was more like an army! They should have smelled those things coming. Because they all look like they really stink!

Not long ago, I saw DEAD GIRL on Chiller. Guess it's true what they say about teenage boys. They'll have sex with anything! Ewww, didn't any of them notice she smelled dead.

Wouldn't all that decaying flesh eventually rot away? But I suppose strolling skeletons no longer have the shock value they once did.

My introduction to walking corpses came way back in 1971. I saw the original NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD on the big screen. It was the 2nd of a double feature. The 1st was THE TRAVELING EXECUTIONER. But it was the zombie flick I really came to see. I'd read a newspaper review declaring it ghastly and sickening. I knew immediately it was my kind of picture!

I was 20 yrs old. My companion for the evening was my father's new mistress. The woman destined to become my stepmother 18 yrs later. I had only met her months earlier. We were still friendly. -- That was short-lived!

Dad was at a Florist convention that evening. She was stuck with me. But I got to choose the movie.

The original DEAD was released in black & white which made it scarier. It was the 1st horror flick that made me squirm in my seat since I was a child. "Avis" my future stepmother watched it with her eyes closed. It was truly frightening! We both left the theatre shaking.

We returned to her house. Which just so happened to border a cemetery. A high, latticed concrete wall stood at the end of her back yard. You could actually peek through the lattice and see tombstones on the other side. I teased her about the climbing dead.

As Dad and I drove home to Stuart, the hour seemed especially long. Every hitchhiker looked like a zombie to me. I was too unnerved for sleep that night! For a month, I had trepidation entering a dark room. -- No movie had ever affected me this way before!

My father was amused. He thought all horror movies were just a lot of silly ballyhoo and no real scares. Several years later, it showed up on TV in color. I forced my father to watch it. -- And he agreed, it was indeed scary! He enjoyed it, too.

But I was hooked. I had to see every zombie movie ever made. But often I was forced to wait until they hit network TV.

After my father's death, there seemed to be a plethora of zombie films to come out of Hollywood. I had freedom now, and wheels, too. I was practically living at the movies on weekends.

When the remake of DAWN OF THE DEAD came to Vero, I was there despite a severe migraine. As I sat in the darkened theatre, my head throbbed in such dire agony, I debated whether or not to go home. But once the film started to roll there was no way I was leaving. I became so engrossed, I actually forgot about my pain. -- I was too terrified!

After the matinee, I collapsed into bed upon returning home. Where I stayed for 3 miserable days of migraine torture. My house stood dark with shades drawn. Scary shadows everywhere!

About 2 yrs ago, I awoke at 2:30 A.M.. Unable to sleep, I walked downstairs to watch the big TV. Browsing the TV library, I found DEAD SNOW. I knew it was a zombie flick. Also a Norwegian film. I figured reading subtitles would make me sleepy. -- Actually reading subtitles makes you more alert. Also zombies get your heart pumping to the point you feel it's going to jump out your chest and clear across the floor!

Which is the reason I always record THE WALKING DEAD. It's not a show to watch right before bedtime. Otherwise the following day, I'll be doing the zombie shuffle.

GAS IS RUINING MY SOCIAL LIFE

My father always told me never to let the gas tank of our car fall below half. I take that as gospel.

Seems not that long ago I'd hand the cashier $20. and I'd go to a matinee with the change. I'd bum around the Mall window-shopping, and maybe hit the Food Court or TGIF after the movie. Those were wonderful times!

Nowadays, I hand the cashier 2 twenty dollar bills. I watch movies mostly on TV, and I'm eating a lot more meals at home. I'm nearly back to not driving anyplace I absolutely don't have to go. The price of gasoline is turning me into a shut-in all over again. A life I was eager to escape! But going anywhere or doing anything is just getting too expensive.

Women have told me they find going out to lunch and the Mall boring. But they've had the luxury of getting bored. It was always just a rare treat to me.

On occasion, I do meet with a friend or 2 for lunch. But we usually look for advertised specials, all-you-can eat buffets, sandwich places; all the cheapest restaurants around.

I belong to 2 business networking groups, as well as the local Taxpayer's Assoc. (Not affiliated with The Tea Party!) And that is about the extent of my social life these days.

When gasoline hits $4. a gallon, I'm going to be skipping a lot more of those luncheons. And God forbid if gas goes to $5.!

If gasoline goes any higher, it will be more than my social life that suffers. High-priced gas tends to drive the cost of everything up! I'll be cutting back on groceries as well. Also I'll be forced to live without air-conditioning during the sweltering summer months. And remember, this is Florida!... Lord knows what else I'd be forced to give up.

I'm just glad I don't have a family to add to my problems!

Being old, I well remember the Arab Oil Embargo of the early 1970's. There were long lines at gas stations and talk of rationing. Many were unable to locate a place that would actually sell them gas.

We were fortunate. The station across from our flower shop always filled up our car and trucks while turning many angry customers away.

I can't remember a time in my adult life when there wasn't talk in Washington about ending dependence on foreign oil.

WARNING: Conspiracy Theory Ahead!!!

I believe there already exists an inexpensive alternative. We have the technology to create smart phones, spy satellites, perform organ transplants, etc.. But no cheap fuel source! Come on, I don't believe that for a millisecond.

The Big Brother Corporations have no loyalty to any country, not one! It's all about getting richer, keeping power and control. An inexpensive energy source is too big a threat. They would rather see the bulk of the population poor and powerless.

Is there a major politician who cannot be bought or sold? Seems the current crop of GOP candidates are all puppets of Grover Norquist. If just one of them had the ethics or the guts to tell this guy just to "Stick it!" he'd have my vote.

Listening to their speeches, enough gas is exuded to fuel this country for another decade or more. Too bad it's just polluting the air! Excuse me while I gag.

HANGING ONTO THE SILVER BULLET

　
　
My car, a silver Mercury Sable station wagon was made in the last century. 1997 to be precise. At the age of 61, this is my 1st car. Also the only one I've ever owned. We've been through a lot together.

My father purchased it in 1998 right after we put our house up for sale. Up to then, he owned a Lincoln Continental he had bought 2nd hand as well. Now we were scaling back, moving to a less affluent neighborhood. A move long over due.

This is the car in which I learned to drive. I suffer from severe anxiety attacks. I did not receive my Driver's License until I was close to 50 yrs of age. Even then, driving anywhere was nerve-wracking.

Facetiously, I dubbed our car The Silver Bullet, because I drive slow. While I was still learning, my father would not even allow me to drive the speed limit. I probably drove everyone behind me nuts!

I got my baptism of fire behind the wheel after my father suffered his stroke. I drove to see him every day during the stormiest summer in memory, 1st at the hospital, and later the rehabilitation center.

When he returned home, I shuttled him to various doctor's appointments. Often several times a week.

After he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, he transferred the car title to me. I cried all the way as I drove home after the diagnosis. Later, I would drive him to chemotherapy sessions which extended his life for a year.

In the days following his death, I often found myself in the garage staring at the car. I thought about placing cushions in the wagon part, turning on the engine, and climbing back there. I would join my father. -- I'm glad now, I didn't!

Driving anyplace remains stressful to this day! Back then, I would only drive during hours the traffic was lightest. Mostly, I didn't drive anywhere I didn't absolutely have to go. And I still refuse to drive at night!

But I forced myself to become braver. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life confined to my house. I'd already been largely a shut-in, and now I was free! I was determined to expand my comfort zone.

Even when my father was in good health, we rarely did anything fun. He hated going out. We went to a movie once a year. It was so infrequent, I could tell you what I was wearing each time. -- Now I could go to the movies anytime I wanted! Also I attended live theatre matinees and dined in restaurants by myself.

I searched the newspaper for daytime events open to the public. I'd call and ask for directions. "Give me landmarks," I told them. The streets just confused me.

I discovered I enjoy going places alone! I could leave when I was ready, and come home when I felt like it. It was liberating! Now I understand why I suffered from depression all those decades! The Silver Bullet is an integral part of my freedom.

So far, I've only had minor problems with my car. But I know that one day It's going to have to be replaced with something newer. But it will feel just like having to put down a faithful pet. So many experiences and memories we've shared together. A significant part of my history.

WELCOME, NOW GET LOST

While I'm on my harangue about lousy service I'll never forget an encounter I had at Walmart early in 2002. In retrospect, it seems hilarious to me. At the time it was just aggravating.

I was buying a bag of dog food. The smaller bags were up on the highest shelf way out of reach. There was even a sign that said to ask for help. I looked around for a staffer. I found one several isles over, on a ladder no less.

He seemed annoyed when I asked for help. He dismounted his ladder and followed me to the Pet Food section. I pointed to the small bags on the top shelf.

"Why don't you just buy 1 of the larger ones on the bottom?" he asked with irritation.

"Because I have a small dog and a large bag would probably go bad, or get filled with bugs before it was used up," I told him.

"We sell big containers on the next isle, just get 1 of those and the food will stay fresh for a year," he instructed.

"My dog is nearly 18 yrs old and suffers from Cushings Disease. She may not even be alive, tomorrow! And I don't want to be stuck with all that food!" I explained, now raising my voice.

He glared at me as if I was lying just to inconvenience him. Grumbling, he fetched his ladder and I got my small bag of dog food.

Later that same year, I went to Target, shopping for a patio table. I found the perfect one. But no one to wait on me. Then I noticed a button to press to reach an employee.

A big woman the size of a rhino came charging towards me hollering, "Out of my way!" She went for the button. "I only have moments to respond," she told me.

Gee, was that supposed to be an apology!...I told her I wanted to buy the patio table.

"It's out of stock," she replied.

Why can't I purchase the one in front of me?" I wanted to know.

"It's the display model. I can't sell it," she explained. "But we should be getting a new shipment sometime in 4 to 6 weeks."

"Will you phone me when it arrives?" I inquired.

"No, you call us," she replied dryly.

I decided they didn't need my money. So I walked out.

Relating this experience to a close friend, she told me one of her own, at the Stuart Kmart. It is worth repeating.

She approached a young employee to inquire if they carried a particular item. The kid told her to phone the store.

Recently, I saw the movie IDIOCRACY. I fear we are already there!

SNIPPY SUB-STANDARD SERVICE

The months following Christmas are the best time to receive catalogues in the mail! All the winter merchandise goes on sale for vastly reduced prices.

Perusing through an ALLOY catalogue I spied a couple cute, light-weight sweaters perfect for our Florida winters. And they were on sale at a price I could not pass up.

Unfortunately, after my experience with the person at the other end of the line, I think the catalogue should be re-named ANNOY.

The sizes were small, medium, & large. I told the gal I was a size 8, and asked how the sizes ran. Give me some idea.

"I just told you!" she replied with a tone of exasperation, "small, medium, or large!"

I explained that in some catalogues a size 8 was a small and in others a medium.

"We just have small, medium, & large. And I need a size!" she said with impatience.

"I'll guess medium," I told her. "But if I'm wrong, I can always return it, right?"

She didn't answer. Suddenly it dawned on me that I'd be on the hook for postage if I had to send it back. I asked to speak to a supervisor.

"They'll just tell you the exact thing!'' she retorted raising her voice. From her tone, I could tell she thought I was too stupid to live.

I told her to cancel the order. I decided I could live without the sweaters. The least that twit could have done was direct me to a size chart. I can't imagine anyone selling clothes not having one!

I've purchased merchandise from ALLOY before without problems. And I will probably buy from them again unless I get another ignoramus with an attitude! Whenever someone is separating me from my money I expect to be treated with respect! But that's becoming a quaint concept nowadays.

When making purchases, I prefer to call using 800 numbers rather than the Internet. I've only bought a handful of items online and half were negative experiences.

One sent the wrong color! Their return policy was the most customer unfriendly I've ever encountered! I needed their permission to return it. Plus they would not accept anything that had been removed from the plastic. My item was intact. However, I was required to pay not only return postage, but a $10 restocking fee as well.

I told them I'd keep the damn unflattering color! But I'd never purchase anything from them ever again! -- And I would have been a frequent customer. Because I liked their cute, funky styles. Also I would have recommended them to other people. It was their loss!!!

After my last Internet purchase, my credit card co. phoned about a mysterious charge for $1 that I did not make. They said it was a red flag and suggested I get a new card and number. I'm grateful they spotted it!

Soon after, I began getting those infamous emails from strangers in foreign lands eager to give me their millions for a small upfront fee.

Egads, making a purchase these days can involve not just rudeness, but risk! BUYER BEWARE is more true than ever.