CHRISTMAS & NEW YEAR'S CULINARY TRADITIONS

 

When my dad was a boy; on Sunday morning his father would buy a large pecan ring. This treat was their entire Sunday breakfast. Later on it became our tradition for breakfast every Christmas morning. My dad always complained that the bakeries were getting stingier with pecans every year. Now as a senior citizen I agree! The price of everything has gone up while the quality has gone down.

After my father passed I wanted to start new holiday traditions that were mine alone. On Christmas mornings I made eggnog pancakes dusted with cinnamon & powdered sugar. And on New Year's morning it was ginger ale pancakes dusted with red sprinkles & powdered sugar. Both were so delicious alone no butter or syrup were needed!

But after a decade or so, I wanted a change. Now for both holiday mornings I enjoy hot hors d'oeuvres with fresh fruit.

Fruitcake is another holiday tradition served throughout the season and I love it! YES, I'm the one! But as Dad would say, "There's fruitcake and then there's FRUITCAKE!" The dry pre-packaged kind on the drugstore and supermarket shelves is the one giving it the bad rep. --But even that can be rendered delicious! First, slice a piece and place it in a shallow bowl, add nuts/dried fruit and drizzle with honey, nuke it for 30 seconds. If that's not good enough add whipped topping or ice cream! I guarantee no dessert lover will turn up their nose at this!

For dinner on Christmas Eve, it's often an individual mushroom & chive quiche topped with a slice of Havarti or Asiago cheese along with my fresh fruit salad sprinkled with walnuts & drizzled with raspberry dressing also deviled eggs, and ending the meal with chocolate truffles.

My Christmas Dinner is truly a celebration! My favorite is a baked Barber Chicken Breast stuffed with creme brie & apple, (I always add more brie!) garlic mashed potatoes, a colorful salad, plus petite fours for dessert.

For New Year's Eve it's a small ring of cocktail shrimp, deviled eggs, Brie & crackers, plus chocolate truffles & petit fours.

On New Year's Day it's always been crab cakes with lemon butter, jasmine rice, black-eyed peas, & a colorful salad. And for dessert I enjoy a tangerine cakelette topped lightly with sugar free orange marmalade & orange sprinkles just enough to make it sparkle under my chandelier lights. And if the bakery is offering all of these this year, I'll do a repeat!

BEWARE THE ICE

 

My family moved down from Michigan when I was a year old. Tired of the snow and ice they came for the warmth.

A snow fall in Florida is rare as a blue moon and far briefer. The one time in memory it occurred I slept thru it. And when I awoke there was no trace whatsoever!

Our state has no ice except for the occasional hail and what's inside the freezer. Excuse me my age is showing when I say that growing up our fridge was always referred to as the icebox.

The refrigerators of my childhood all had ice crystals hanging from the top of the freezer. I used to take a glass and scoop it off. Then I'd pour fruit juice over the top and have tasty snow cone to enjoy.

However getting cubed ice wasn't easy. Back then, they came in trays with a handle that took near Herculean strength to pull. Thankfully refrigerators these days have easy access not only to cubes but crushed ice.

However ice has taken on an insidious and even sinister role in my life.

This began in the 1980's. All of a sudden my mother began chowing down on it and declaring how much she enjoyed it. Mom had two pie plates that she alternately kept in the freezer. As soon as ice sheets formed she would remove and consume. I always thought this strange plus it occurred so suddenly out of the blue.

Not long after she was diagnosed with colon cancer that had spread into the liver. She was given six months to live; however she managed to live an entire year on chemotherapy.

Nearly twenty years later I was on the phone with my aunt Kiki. She happened to mention how delicious she had discovered ice to be and couldn't get enough of it. Immediately a chill ran thru me!

The next time we spoke she informed me of her cancer diagnosis. This was cancer of the esophagus. Soon after, she died.

In recent years dentists have warned me never to chew on ice due to all my expensive dental work. Well I'm not seven years old anymore and I lack the desire. 

But If I ever do start craving ice you'd better believe I will panic! And I'm going to start collecting all my important papers and update my will. Pronto!

LAST THANKSGIVING & AFTER

 

2022 was a terrible year for a long list of reasons. It was filled with expensive health issues and no insurance along with the deaths of my three remaining cousins.

That November was a warm one. While much of the country was buried beneath feet of snow it was 80 degrees here. Of course 80 degrees in Florida is sometimes referred to as a cold front and it's much more bearable than the summer heat. However the temps climbed higher and I was without air conditioning since my A.C. had died in September.

And now a rare November hurricane was headed straight toward us! I was in a panic with no one to board my windows! Earlier in the season two different men said they would do it, but only for an obscene price. Neither one was answering my calls!

I was anticipating a lengthy power outage and having to throw everything in my fridge and garage freezer out! I was sick at the thought.

Despite the storm coming ashore here miraculously it did little damage and I never lost electricity. This seemed an outright miracle considering the destruction this hurricane did in other parts of the state.

Due to car issues I won't delve into, I was unable to drive to the supermarket Thanksgiving week to shop for my holiday meal.

Thanksgiving Day I cobbled together a meal consisting of everything on hand including items from my hurricane pantry. My holiday dinner wasn't special but it was tasty and I had plenty to eat which I suppose is all that matters.

Afterward I watched a marathon of Homicide for the Holidays on TV. This actually cheered me up.

Black Friday I was debating whether or not to put up a Christmas tree as is my custom; but I just wasn't feeling it. So I went online to my Facebook page.

And there in all capitals some stranger whose friendship request I'd accepted several years earlier wrote: YOU ARE THE DAMN MOST BORING PERSON! HERE'S A NICKEL TO GET A LIFE & DON'T FORGET YOUR TWO CENTS CHANGE! -- I already knew my life had become boring!!!  Health issues combined with a fixed income along with expensive medical bills can do that to a person.

I didn't appreciate some stranger rubbing my face in it like excrement! Had this coward said that to me in person I would have spit in his face! However my holiday spirit was already dead. That guy just added another nail to the coffin.

There would be no tree. I had no joy and looking at one would only depress me further.

But during my life and times I've endured worse holidays. Those were all among family, extended family, & others. Believe me; spending a holiday meal alone isn't always a bad thing! Often it's quite sublime. That in itself is something to be grateful.

This year I'm not giving up Christmas. I'm erecting a tree with all the trimmings. I will count my many blessings and celebrate!!!

THAT FRIDAY IN NOVEMBER

 

This was back in 1963. I was only a couple months away from becoming a teenager. My mother & I were renting a small apartment down in West Palm Beach so I could attend the "special school" for the semester. On weekends we came home which was an hour up the coast.

Every other Friday my father had to work late. On those days I was allowed to leave school 15 minutes early. This allowed Mom & I to catch the city bus to the Greyhound station and from there to our hometown.

That particular Friday afternoon I was putting away my paraphernalia from art class preparing to leave. The teacher had stepped from the room. An older boy from another class came rushing in. He loudly declared President Kennedy had been shot! They had just heard it over the radio.

No one believed him! We figured if this was actually true sirens would be going off and our school would be closed immediately. Or perhaps if the president had been shot, it was only a minor flesh wound, nothing serious. The kid was exaggerating for dramatic effect.

I left before the teacher returned to class and met my mother at the bus stop. I told her the news even though I didn't believe it myself. I could tell she thought I was making up a story since I'd punked her in the past.

The city bus had only a handful of passengers and all were silent. But on the Greyhound we listened to people seated around us stating what a tragedy it was and our President was now in God's hands. However we believed him to be only injured.

Arriving back at our hometown my father picked us up at the station. Naturally we inquired about the president. Both of us went into shock upon learning Kennedy was dead, assassinated! This just didn't happen in our country and it was difficult to process.

After dropping us at home my father returned to work. I switched on the TV to learn more. I was still in disbelief despite everything I was seeing and hearing on the screen. This had to be a dream, a nightmare!

Everything took awhile to sink in.

Thankfully the assassin (or at least a known one) Lee Harvey Oswald was captured and arrested shortly afterward.

I'll never forget walking on the beach behind my neighbor's house and hearing her hollering out: "There's a gun! He's going to get shot! He's going to get shot!" followed by screaming.

I climbed over the seawall and ran straight to her house. I found my neighbor Helen and her sister Jean watching TV. I inquired as to all the commotion.

Helen had spotted Jack Ruby's gun on live television right before he shot and killed Oswald! This was more craziness followed by confusion.

Our world seemed to change quickly and dramatically after that. A strange and different energy filled the air. Nothing was ever the same. The entire planet seemed thrown into chaos. Our life and the lives so many we knew went awry. Nearly everyone's life seemed to be altered permanently in a negative way after that.

HOWL--OOO--WEEN!!!

 

My cauldron is ready and for my Halloween blessing I need the ashes of a vampire, the eye of a zombie, the tooth of a chupacabra, the toenail of a yeti, and the spittle from a black cat. -- All items readily available in my neighborhood!

But I'll admit I'm a Scrooge when it comes to Halloween. I always pray for rain! Once again I will be THAT house in the neighborhood! My home will be dark with the blinds drawn. I've got a couple foreign horror films with captions that I can enjoy on mute. I keep a baseball bat by my chair plus I've got a hand siren that could scare the dead from their graves.

Still I get knocks on my door that I ignore. This occurs even years when my windows remain boarded after a hurricane threat; obviously the neighborhood tykes & teens aren't the brightest in the world!

Also I'm alone. I'm uncomfortable opening my door at night to costumed strangers. Especially those who tower over me and I'm 5 ft 7. Some of these "kids" look old enough to be in college or trade school.

A close friend moved to the center of the state. In her new community residents welcoming trick-or-treaters register so they go to those homes only. It must be wonderful to have that option rather than kids just showing up unwelcome.

No way am I going to share my stash of sweets! And I resent my movies being interrupted!

During this season last year I watched an old Dracula movie; one in series starring Christopher Lee. Also one I hadn't seen before! The plot: Four Victorian British tourists traveling thru the Carpathian Mountains are inexplicably abandoned by their driver within view of Dracula's castle. You can guess the rest!

The thing I find admirable about Count Dracula is that he's one resilient corpse! At the end of every movie he's destroyed, yet always manages to pull himself together for a sequel. You have to admire that kind of gumption!

Dracula in that respect is an excellent example to follow.

THE STATUE

 

The year was 1975 I was 24 years old. I was vacationing in Guatemala with my dad and the woman who would become my stepmother in 1988.

Unlike Mexico City the previous year we were not forced to all sleep in the same king size bed with me in the middle. This hotel was lovely and our room spacious with 3 double beds. We also had a balcony overlooking the city plus a large bathroom with a bidet just like the hotels in Europe.

Our hotel featured two elegant dining areas; one for breakfast & lunch and the other for dinner with live entertainment that included guitar players with singers and dancers. Plus it served the most delicious hot chocolate I've ever tasted before or since.

At the desk we could book tours to other cities and events. To say it was a great vacation on a budget was an understatement!

After returning from Chichicastenango my future step-mom & I changed clothes for dinner while Dad went for a walk.

Upon returning he proudly displayed a small statue about 9 or 10 inches high. "I bought this from an old man for $1!" He beamed.

My future stepmother & I never saw eye-to-eye on anything before; however we both took one look at it and agreed that thing was NOT coming back on the plane with us! It looked pure evil!

The statue featured what appeared to be a shaman with long pointed beard. In one hand he held a goblet with steam emanating from it. His other hand was just above this. However it was the eyes that really creeped us out, or rather the lack of them. There were only large narrow protruding empty sockets.

My future step-mom immediately placed it out on the balcony and closed the door. None of us ever went out there after that.

The following day a visit to Tikal was scheduled. My father woke up sick, too ill to go. We teased him it was due to that hideous statue. It was cursed! Because the trip was prepaid we went without him.

Future step-mom & I boarded a small plane and flew out into a jungle near the British Honduras's border. Besides the ruins we were given an area tour. We saw a strange creature that looked like a cross between a monkey and a raccoon. It was a memorable trip.

Lunch was included at the jungle airport before flying back. We felt sorry for my father. He missed an interesting albeit bug infested day.

Fortunately Dad was able to reschedule later in the week and went by himself.

While he was away, future step-mom & I went to the local marketplace for souvenir shopping. This was inside an enormous warehouse with rows of stalls and tables almost as far as the eye could see.

"What do you want to bet," I told her, "that we come across a vender with an entire shelf filled with those spooky statues."

"I was thinking exactly the same!" she replied.

We spent almost the entire day shopping and haggling with vendors. And never once did we come across a single one of those! We returned to our hotel totting bags full of bargains.

Two days later we left for home. That eerie statue remained on the balcony; our gift for the next inhabitant of that room.

WORDS THAT SOUND REALLY FILTHY, BUT AREN'T

 

Now that school is back in session who can forget those weekly vocabulary words and definitions with sentences we were forced to construct. How they sounded and what they meant were often two different things. My inspiration for today!

Many words fit this category; here are some of my favorites. Below is what they should mean (in my opinion) used in a sentence followed by the actual definition.

FRIGATE -- That uncouth man is blowing his nose with his fingers, what a frigate! -- Actual meaning:  A medium sized sailing warship of centuries ago.

REFULGENT -- Jenny's stinky breath smelled downright refulgent after she puked chunks all over Kevin's shoes. -- Actual meaning: shining radiantly, resplendent.

DOODLE -- The doodle in the baby's diaper was a bizarre color due to the magenta & chartreuse crayons he ate. -- Actual meaning: To dawdle or scribble aimlessly.

SAGACIOUS -- Because of Billy Bob's sagacious condition he was unable to perform his manly duties on his wedding night without the help of locust. (see below) -- Actual meaning:  Wise, perceptive

LOQUACIOUS --Judy liked to hang out in wheat fields for an inordinate length of time searching for locust if you know what I mean, (wink, wink). -- Actual meaning: extremely talkative.

LOCUST -- Ever since the discovery of locust decrepit old guys have suddenly began feeling like real men again! -- Actual meaning: an insect.

CRIBBAGE -- The cribbage stank worse than rotten vegetables & spoiled meat when the baby's diaper leaked. -- Actual meaning: A card game.

SUCCORY -- Mazie-Jo has such a skill & willingness for succory under the bleachers that her name can be found on every gas station bathroom in town. -- Actual meaning:  An American Indian dish consisting of corn & beans cooked together.

CUSTARD -- Little Donnie is an appalling custard because he calls his mom a $#!&%* whore cause she never married his father - whoever he was? -- Actual meaning: a dessert made with eggs & sugar.

PERFUNCTORY -- I was shocked by the perfunctory acts the couple performed with ferrets & squirrels in the XXX rated video! They were beyond obscene! -- Actual meaning:  Done without interest or care.

FUGACIOUS --That fugacious pervert is forcing local farmers to bolt their barn doors to prevent him from sexually assaulting their livestock. -- Actual meaning:  A tendency to panic.

EXTRAPOLATE -- The dominatrix extrapolated her clients with leather straps before plucking out their nose, chest, & pubic hairs with rusty tweezers before forcing them to eat dog poo. -- Actual meaning:  To estimate beyond the known range.

NOW COME UP WITH SOME OF YOUR OWN!