WORDS THAT SOUND REALLY FILTHY, BUT AREN'T

 

Now that school is back in session who can forget those weekly vocabulary words and definitions with sentences we were forced to construct. How they sounded and what they meant were often two different things. My inspiration for today!

Many words fit this category; here are some of my favorites. Below is what they should mean (in my opinion) used in a sentence followed by the actual definition.

FRIGATE -- That uncouth man is blowing his nose with his fingers, what a frigate! -- Actual meaning:  A medium sized sailing warship of centuries ago.

REFULGENT -- Jenny's stinky breath smelled downright refulgent after she puked chunks all over Kevin's shoes. -- Actual meaning: shining radiantly, resplendent.

DOODLE -- The doodle in the baby's diaper was a bizarre color due to the magenta & chartreuse crayons he ate. -- Actual meaning: To dawdle or scribble aimlessly.

SAGACIOUS -- Because of Billy Bob's sagacious condition he was unable to perform his manly duties on his wedding night without the help of locust. (see below) -- Actual meaning:  Wise, perceptive

LOQUACIOUS --Judy liked to hang out in wheat fields for an inordinate length of time searching for locust if you know what I mean, (wink, wink). -- Actual meaning: extremely talkative.

LOCUST -- Ever since the discovery of locust decrepit old guys have suddenly began feeling like real men again! -- Actual meaning: an insect.

CRIBBAGE -- The cribbage stank worse than rotten vegetables & spoiled meat when the baby's diaper leaked. -- Actual meaning: A card game.

SUCCORY -- Mazie-Jo has such a skill & willingness for succory under the bleachers that her name can be found on every gas station bathroom in town. -- Actual meaning:  An American Indian dish consisting of corn & beans cooked together.

CUSTARD -- Little Donnie is an appalling custard because he calls his mom a $#!&%* whore cause she never married his father - whoever he was? -- Actual meaning: a dessert made with eggs & sugar.

PERFUNCTORY -- I was shocked by the perfunctory acts the couple performed with ferrets & squirrels in the XXX rated video! They were beyond obscene! -- Actual meaning:  Done without interest or care.

FUGACIOUS --That fugacious pervert is forcing local farmers to bolt their barn doors to prevent him from sexually assaulting their livestock. -- Actual meaning:  A tendency to panic.

EXTRAPOLATE -- The dominatrix extrapolated her clients with leather straps before plucking out their nose, chest, & pubic hairs with rusty tweezers before forcing them to eat dog poo. -- Actual meaning:  To estimate beyond the known range.

NOW COME UP WITH SOME OF YOUR OWN!

THE NEW KID

 

Once again the kiddies are back in class and my mailbox is safe until the weekend or at least the next school holiday.

A number of young adult novels and after school TV specials feature stories of children as strangers in a new school with all the troubles they encounter fitting in. -- I had the exact opposite experiences!

I was that kid who always felt different and was self-conscious about it. I was born with a variety of undiagnosed mental disorders. To me numbers had personalities, colors, & smells. Words had flavors especially names and I could see all kinds of bizarre images in patterns. And I still struggle with math and directions due to dyscalculia.

I was cautioned never to talk about these things because they made me sound stupid/crazy/ weird. If fact EVERYTHING I said made me sound that way according to my mother. She was always telling me, "Why can't you act normal?"

But I didn't know how normal people act except from what I saw on TV. And my family was nothing like any of those people! Also I was always told, "There's something wrong with you!"

I had no control over it and this was frustrating. I never opened my mouth around other people unless absolutely necessary for fear of saying the wrong thing.

School was mostly a nightmare except for those two times when I was the new kid. The last half of my first grade year we moved to Hobe Sound. 

I stepped into a classroom full of strangers who all knew each other and I was scared. However unlike my previous first grade class everyone was friendly and welcoming. I was shocked and could not believe my good fortune. 

Unfortunately the following year we moved back up the coast to the previous town and all those unfriendly kids with attitude.

Something foul must have been in the water there that affected their brains; by sixth grade it was hell on earth! What few friends I had all were in different classes. The kids in mine were in tight condescending clicks and were unbelievably mean! And so was the teacher who was always singling me out for criticism and ridicule.

I was constantly faking illnesses to avoid school, my grades were plummeting. And that old pill of a teacher seemed to have her heart set on failing me.

My parents hired a private tutor for the summer so that I could pass to the seventh grade. 

The next year I was sent to a "Special School" in West Palm Beach where the students already knew each other. Again I was immediately welcomed and accepted! There, everybody socialized with everybody else, no one was deemed unworthy!

However the following year required going back to my hometown school. Just the thought of returning sickened me. I was filled with dread.

My mother kept insisting that I would love high school. She assured me the kids would be different and nicer now and the clicks gone. -- She was wrong, they were worse than ever! And now there was even a caste system. If you forgot where you belonged there were plenty of people eager to remind you.

That was also the year my father lost his high paying job at age 50 when the corporation he worked for went belly up! This added fuel to the fire and more ammunition against me. 

They claim teachers have eyes in the back of their head. -- Based on my experiences I could swear those back eyes had myopia and the ones in the front wore blinders!

I hated attending school far more than going to work. At least I got paid for my misery. I would never have worked 3 days at a job under those same conditions. And if I did, I'd have sued the company for harassment and creating a hostile work environment.

Graduating high school and knowing that I never had to return was a liberating and wildly joyful feeling, not to mention a tremendous relief!

ALL I WANT IS A LITTLE SWEETNESS

 

OKAY, NOT A LITTLE, A LOT!

Baking shows are my guilty pleasure. Friends call these my porn. My current favorite is The Great Chocolate Showdown. What I wouldn't give to be a judge on that program and have the privilege of tasting all of those deliciously tantalizing concoctions. M-M-M!!!

Many of the cakes on these shows are unbelievable. I've never understood that old saying: "You can't have your cake and eat it too." -- What else can you do with a cake??? You can't bowl with it, display it as a lawn ornament, or wear it on your head like a hat!

Cake is a marvelous dessert! One of the great mysteries of life is how a vegetable as odious and repugnant as the carrot is miraculously transformed into a cake that tastes as if it fell from the higher reaches of heaven. But I'm sure the raisins, walnuts, coconut, cinnamon, & other spices, along with the cream cheese frosting have something to do with it.

As much as I love desserts, I've never cared much for pie. Cake is similar to a lovely and elegant lady with whom you are instantly intrigued and find yourself fantasizing. Pie is like her squat dumpy cousin tarted up beyond her beauty.

To my taste buds, crust and sweetness rarely go together well. Pie bakers should forget the crust altogether. Save it for quiche where it works perfectly! Serve the filling in goblets topped with tasty & decorative flourishes. That would make for a truly special dessert!

However I do enjoy Key Lime pie (Our official Florida dessert!) but the cake version is even better! And I made a fabulous one! I'd start with vanilla cake batter & add 2 packets of lime jello. If I couldn't find a lime frosting, lemon worked just as well. Pillsbury sold the best one! Sometimes I'd add shredded coconut. For the finishing touch I'd sprinkle green-tinted sugar on top. It tasted every bit as delicious as it looked, plus it was simple & easy to make!

When my father was alive, I did lots of baking. He was also a voracious dessert lover. There were two of us to eat everything. After he passed it became too much. And nowadays I'm trying to cut back for health reasons, plus weight gain accelerates with age.

I'm incorporating lots of fresh vegetables & fruit into my diet now. -- However the pleasures of the palate must not be denied. Ah, I still have my cheat days! Eating dessert is one of the few creature comforts I can still afford.

UNINTERRUPTED SLEEP, AN IMPOSSIBLE DREAM

 

Fractured sleep!  Both my parents suffered from it and now so do I!

In bed I fall gradually asleep, but in my recliner I plummet quickly. All I do is just throw my head back, close my eyes, and in mere seconds I'm almost unconscious. -- But I'm not dead, at least not yet and I'm often awakened by outside people noise.

On one occasion during a Saturday afternoon snooze I was awakened from my slumber by a high-pitched voice hollering: "She's taking a nap!"  I heard this twice.

I got up and saw 2 young girls around 11 or 12 years of age. They were taking turns trying to pull a frond from one of my Areca palms. I grabbed my camera and tapped on the window. They fled!

Nowadays the neighbor directly behind me is a major source of noise pollution. I strongly suspect he is running an illegal garage. His yard is littered with cars in all stages of disrepair and the noise from back there is horrendous. This goes on into the night. I've even heard it during the wee AM hours. Zoning will do nothing! My next door neighbor and I have both complained. The guy even has a lift to place one car directly on top of another. Who needs this unless you're running a business!!!

Thankfully, there's a thick strip of greenery between my property and the neighborhood behind me that hides his place from my view but does nothing to muffle the noise!

I've considered sleeping the entire night downstairs in my recliner. However if a burglar should ever get inside they'd have the drop on me. I feel safer up in my bedroom, it's weaponized, plus I have a steel door guard should they pop the lock.

A few years back I awoke between 2:00 - 3:00 AM and couldn't get back to sleep. I was debating with myself whether or not to get up and watch a movie. Then I heard a car drive in! -- I rarely have company at that hour of the afternoon much less the AM! I jumped out of bed and rushed to the window. A dark van was parked directly below my window way up my driveway rather than close to the street.

Quickly I switched on my bright overhead light! I wanted to make them aware someone was awake and knew they were there. I stood in the window gazing down at them. The motor started up and they backed out and left.

Friends said I should have called 911 immediately! But I live close to the Fort Pierce border and by the time the police arrived they would have been in another county. Also I was unable to discern the make of the van or even the color due to the darkness.

Thanks to my fractured sleep I'm grateful that I happened to be awake at just the right time!

INDY I WILL MISS YOU

 

The day after the 4th of July I went to a matinee showing of Indiana Jones & the Dial of Doom. I recall the first one of the franchise Raiders of the Lost Ark. It was set entirely during WWII. This was back in 1981 when I was 30 years old. I recall Indy the archeology professor standing before a class of moonstruck pretty coeds.

Quite a contrast to the current one set in 1969. Indy is an old man teaching a class full of bored students. I was 18 in 69 old enough to be one of them. But like my father I'm a history buff and would have been far from bored.

1981 I was at work when my father saw a TV review of Raiders. When I returned home he told me "We've got to go see that movie!" I was surprised. Dad thought the price of movie tickets were a rip-off because they all show up on TV eventually. -- He'd have a stroke if he knew what I paid for this current matinee. I almost did! I've never paid THAT amount for one before!

But this was Indiana Jones, Dial of Doom was the final one and it was a must! Dad & I saw every one at the theatre together except for Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Dad had passed by then and I went alone. All of them felt like a thrill ride and were certainly worth seeing.

Because Dial of Destiny is the last there was an element of sadness. I told a friend I didn't know who would be dead first, Harrison Ford or me. "Harrison is 80," she replied, "and you're 72."

I pointed out that my mother died at my current age and unlike me Harrison can afford the best healthcare available.

In the previous movie Indy had a son named Mutt played by Shea LaBeouf whom we were led to believe would succeed him in the franchise. I've got to say I thought this actor was a lousy choice. He lacked Harrison's swashbuckling panache and this greaser was just a big UGH in my opinion.

As fate would have it Shea felt the reviews damaged his career and wanted no part of any further Indiana Jones movies. -- I'm betting he was the reason for the less than stellar reviews. In the current film he's been killed off which is a wise move.

Of course Mutt could be resurrected and recast. (Soap operas did this all the time back when I used to watch them.) Let's place Mutt as prisoner on a plane to Hanoi scheduled for interrogation and torture to reveal clandestine classified information. He manages to break free, fights and the plane goes down in flames on a remote island. Mutt is thrown clear, but has amnesia until he is rescued and treated decades later.

Also remember Indy carried on a romance with the Kate Capshaw character in Temple of Doom; maybe a love child here? Perhaps a girl this time! Let's call her Diana Jones. Yes, I like that! Let's run with it! Evan Rachael Wood is perfect for this role. Hollywood are you listening???

AUNT M

 

"Be extra special nice to her," my mother used to say, "by next year she'll probably be dead." I heard this constantly throughout the 1970's and 80's.

My dad used to laugh at these words. He called Aunt M a turtle and said she'd probably outlive the lot of us.

Aunt M was the second oldest of my mother's three sisters. Mom was the second youngest. Always Aunt M was the most fragile. Relatives used to tell me that back when she was young and trim Aunt M couldn't even walk a city block without becoming out of breath and need to rest.

She became even weaker with time and weight gain. Aunt M was the most sedentary person I've ever known! Her youngest son waited on her hand and foot. They would come down to Florida to visit every couple of years or so and stay in our guest house during the winter.

It took them twice as long getting to Florida. They left late and retired early due to my Aunt.

Upon their visits my cousin and I frequently went out places together while Aunt M stayed home with Mom. I remember once as we were climbing stairs he grabbed my arm. Egad I thought, does he think I'm as helpless as his mother! I pushed him away.

Also he not only opened the car door for me he reached over and fastened my seat belt too! I was startled by this. I told him we were family and to stop!

My mother didn't drive and walked everywhere; even long distances. She was the healthiest of the sisters and all her contemporaries. The only hospital time she had ever done was to give birth.

In 1986 that all changed. Despite my mother's great health she was stricken with cancer. It was diagnosed as terminal. She died the following year at age 72.

My cousin & Aunt M came down for the funeral. It was their last visit, but we kept in touch thru letters and phone calls.

Soon after, Aunt M became confined to her bed where she took all her meals and used a chamber pot. My cousin was tasked with cleaning her and their small apartment. This was his fulltime job.

Both struggled financially. They lived on SS plus charity from her two older sons who were successful and comfortable. Aunt M lived in dire terror of ending up in a nursing home. Her youngest vowed never to place her in one. His life was all about making his mother happy.

My father often said that she led a useless life and should be ashamed of herself for wasting her son's.

Aunt M was overweight but not obese. She enjoyed sweets especially cookies. My cousin rarely touched anything with sugar. Nor did he drink or smoke. He was lean and active.

Of course Aunt M did serious hospital time more than once. And with each we were certain her end was near. However the doctors always managed to patch her up to resume her unhealthy lifestyle.

My dad did everything right! He watched his diet wasn't overweight, took long walks and always followed the doctor's advice. Yet he was hit with terminal cancer only a year after being stricken with a stroke. And just the year before he suffered a heart attack that required a triple bypass!

My father's prediction proved correct! Aunt M lived to be 100 years old! She outlived all of her sisters and even him!

At his memorial service Aunt M's oldest son told me the reason for his mom's longevity was due to the fact she never dealt with a single problem during her entire lifetime. Whenever one popped up someone else always stepped in and handled it.

2022 all three of her sons died; her youngest and most devoted caretaker at age 87. Despite his clean and fanatically healthy lifestyle he passed with two types of cancer plus a weak heart. To say he was a genuinely selfless person is an understatement.

CHURCHLESS

 

I have long been thoroughly disgusted with all these greedy hypocritical religious figures period! But now they are involved in politics supporting a candidate with all those same reprehensible characteristics!

Below is a poem I wrote around the year 2000 and applies more than ever these days. It is also featured in my book of free verse & reflection titled: MANIA IN THE MARGINS available on Amazon.

 

  

TV  EVANGELICALS

 

Oh Lord, spare us all

from those proselytizing preachers with pompadours

and their pretentious prattling and preening

while prancing and promenading

all pompous and pious

shamelessly pandering and pleading

for pounds of pennies from the poor

peddling prayers for profit

these pharisaic palavering parasites

perspiring passionately on a pedestal

passing a profuse plethora of wind

all full of piss and pretense