ASHES TO DUST

 

You know you’re old when you start receiving invitations to cremation/funeral luncheons. The lunches are free, but you must sit thru a long sales pitch first.

I attended one around Halloween of last year along with my friend Sue. I wore what could have passed for a witch’s costume had I included my big black hat with the feathers. But I left that at home.

The following summer there was another one at the same place -- but for first time attendees only! And restaurants have become so expensive eating out is a rarity now.

I signed Sue & me up and crossed my fingers. I told Sue if they turned us away, we’d just drive to the Asian buffet up the street. I asked Sue if she remembered what she wore and to dramatically change her look.

This would be easy for me! I have wigs in a variety of colors, although it was summer and this is Florida. So instead of a wig I had my then tit-length hair cut really short. Also I wore bright colors this time.

Fortunately, we had a different speaker which was a big relief!

The previous speaker kept mentioning he was a retired male model. I thought he was joking! But he was serious. He sure didn't look like model material to me!

Both times we sat thru a 90 minute speech before lunch was served. Thank goodness there was no question & answer session as with the Neptune Society years before or it would have been 2 hours before any food.

The speeches consisted of much tugging at the heart strings. Stressing that this matter needed to be taken care of immediately or your grieving loved ones would be soaked by some cagey undertaker. Plus, we had to purchase this service right now since the price would be going up tomorrow! – That’s always a big red flag to me!

The cost was already in the thousands! And if you have a pacemaker or any other metal object it must be removed (at cost to you) because those cause the cremation ovens to explode. And there's another exorbitant cost for disposal of medical waste.

Later I mentioned this to a friend who is knowledgeable about cremations. She said the guy was full of it and laughed at the exploding ovens since corpses aren't microwaved! Any metal objects are removed from the ashes and discarded without issue. Also you can have a cremation done today for $350.

At the luncheon last summer, we were told that by purchasing the premium package they would not only remove the body but also launder your sheets, make the bed and place a rose on the pillow.

I will probably be a rotting corpse fused to my recliner. The only time my neighbors know I'm alive is when HOA fees are collected and those have tripled since the pandemic.

My father was cremated for $100 the same amount as my 18 year old dog a year later. The company that cremated my dog sent me a sympathy card. The one that cremated my dad did not. However I realize these were 2001 and 2002 prices.

I plan to have my ashes sent to my longtime friend Rose. She can make them into a piece of jewelry or turn me into a paperweight, whatever. Or she can scatter them in Timbuktu or Uganda as long as it's someplace I've never been, since I enjoy traveling to new places.

I've already made it clear to my financial adviser that when my time comes, I want it done as quickly and inexpensively as possible. I don't need a monument to myself in some cemetery.

I just hope that when I go, I'll have someone lined-up to remove me from Facebook. I don't want to be resurrected by a hacker as was a close friend of mine.

UGH!!! NOOOOOO!!!

 

A monster hurricane suddenly formed in the Gulf and was heading straight toward us with only days’ notice.

Two weeks before I’d had a particularly hectic day, so a childhood favorite seemed perfect for supper that night. I picked up a can of Campbell’s Tomato Brisque. Along with it I made a toasted cheese sandwich and prepared a salad.

With my first spoonful of soup all I could taste was SALT!!! It was as if someone poured an entire shaker in! It tasted downright gaggy! In retrospect, I should have poured it down the sink. But I was hungry, plus I have an aversion to wasting food.

Perhaps it’s just coincidence or maybe a pre-existing condition was aggravated, but the next day I noticed my right foot & ankle was swollen and my left one was tingling up into the calve.

I had one Frankenstein foot. And worse, this wasn’t going away! Plus the heel of my right foot felt as if it had hot broken glass under the skin.

How could I ever wear shoes? The right one would never fit! And if I struggled to force it, I’d be limping in agony!

This brought back vivid memories.

During my trip to Ecuador, I endured TWO Frankenstein feet up in the Andes. Those flat-heeled walking shoes I bought that were perfect for a day at the mall were murder to my feet on those cobble stone streets.

Over in the Galapagos Islands I purchased an oversized pair of flip-flops that allowed me to explore with more comfort. I ended up wearing these on the plane ride home. And I felt self-conscious about it.

Later on my trip to Thailand, I was horrified when my feet & ankles swelled on the plane before even landing in Bangkok. And this time I’d purchased better walking shoes, too! The sides of these shoes were bulging just like in Ecuador. I was in torturous pain!

Half-way thru my tour of Thailand, both my calves swelled as well. I could no longer recognize my own legs in the mirror!

Once on the plane I went barefoot until it landed. This was back in 2016.

Fast-forward to October 2024. A doctor put me on medication and I was forbidden to eat anything from a can, bag, or box for 5 days. Plus, I had to drink so much water I felt waterlogged. Half that time I was cat-sitting. The medication made me tired and loopy. I was thankful to get off it.

The last day of my cat-sitting stint the hurricane was all over the news warning everyone here on the Treasure Coast to prepare. This was a backdoor one and I wasn’t sure if it was going to land as a full-fledged hurricane or a nasty tropical storm.

FPL sent emails stating to expect a prolonged outage. That meant I’d be living on canned food which was forbidden to me just the week before. And the thought of throwing away all that expensive food in my fridge & freezer made me ill, so I started eating frozen dinners for breakfast and dinner.

My right foot & ankle began swelling again.

The afternoon before the hurricane was wild! Record tornadoes were striking all over South Florida! These were not Florida tornadoes, but giant ones like in Kansas that took Dorothy to Oz!

The one that came thru here was worse than the hurricane! I’ve had plenty of experience with hurricanes, but none with tornadoes!

It was followed by torrential rain. The street in front of my house became a canal. By 8:00 AM the following day the hurricane had passed and thankfully I still had electricity.

Every yard in my neighborhood looked like a disaster area. But it could have been much worse, I am so grateful it wasn’t. I can live with a swollen foot & ankle.