NO HANKERING HERE

OR MONKEY BUSINESS OR HANKY-PANKY EITHER!

My last ever boyfriend, (I'll call him Hank) I met 10 years ago this month. I was attending a civic group I belonged to back then. He was also a member of this large crowd. We happened to be seated next to one another and started chatting. He was an older gentleman. This was shortly before Valentine's Day.

Hank said he was going to send me a dozen red roses, but I talked him out of it. I was a Florist for nearly a decade, so flowers don't have the same connotation for me as other women. I didn't want him to waste his money.

He walked me to my car and expressed a desire to take me out. He seemed polite, so I said OK. We exchanged cards.

After I returned home, I put on my reading glasses to look at his card. I nearly fainted! He was someone quite prominent in the community! He had run for office several years before. I had even voted for him and encouraged my father to do likewise. His name constantly appeared in the newspaper!

Hank phoned asking to take me out to dinner and to see a live performance of La Cage Aux Folles. I was thrilled!

On show night, he was late in picking me up and then wanted to run errands on top of that. We had to rush thru our dinner to make it on time to the theatre. I've always hated those tardy people who drag in at the very last moment and make everyone stand while they seat themselves and now I was one of them. Hank also insisted we hold hands during the performance, I didn't feel we knew each other well enough.

After the show as we were driving away, Hank almost blew right thru the crowded pedestrian crosswalk nearly plowing everyone down! I screamed and he stopped at the last possible moment. We received lots of dirty looks and I don't blame them. I couldn't understand why he didn't know the crosswalk was there since he attended so many times before!

On the way back home, I noticed he had a tendency to drive in the middle of the road. I saw cars coming towards us suddenly pulling off and parking on the side as we neared. Later, his own brother told me he'd never get in a car with him!

Hank called and wanted to go out again. I insisted we do lunches & movies, or live matinees rather than go out at night. I ended up doing all the driving on our dates. He was never ready when I came to get him, plus he wanted me to drive him on errands around town. He seemed to have no concept of time.

However, he always treated me to exclusive high-end restaurants and if I wanted to see an expensive live matinee he'd buy tickets immediately. He used to tell me, "You're my Barbie doll and you can have whatever you want."

But there was one caveat; I must always wear my (then) long red hair down. This is Florida; the humidity here is murder on hair! I needed the option of wearing it up on certain days and told him so. He wasn't happy!

And Hank wasn't happy about other things! Early on, I told him I wanted nothing beyond a friendship with only casual dating. Hank had another girlfriend named Marietta whom he was also seeing at the same time. I could have made an issue over that, but I never did. Marietta served an important purpose. If he was getting sex from her, he wouldn't expect it from me, or so I thought.

Hank was a small, slight man but a little dynamo and a powerhouse. He had accomplished much of note during his life. His name was well-known. Everywhere we went, people knew and approached him. It was just like dating a celebrity!

He was active in charities and went out of his way to make the world a better place. Hank was a good man, but a good man doesn't necessarily make a good boyfriend. He told me that he knew I hadn't led a happy life and he was determined to change that. Later, I was sternly warned that if I ever gained weight, he'd stop dating me.

Hank claimed to be 77, but looked older. He walked bent over. I knew he'd had health issues and that can age a person. Several acquaintances told me they met Hank when they first moved to Vero Beach and he had to be at least 80.

Whenever we went someplace special Hank wore his shirt open wide displaying a big gold chain & medallion. That look was popular in the 1970's (I hated it then!) and this was 2008! A handyman told me he couldn't understand why a beautiful woman had such an ancient boyfriend. I laughed and replied that Hank wasn't that old and I wasn't that young.

However, there were too many other things about Hank I found myself tolerating.

He would phone constantly during the day and evening. It drove me straight up the walls! Hank was an extreme extrovert who had to share every thought. And worse, he had a habit of dropping by uninvited during the evening. This is my private time and I like to watch my TV shows and movies uninterrupted. I always told him that I wasn't up for company and to GO HOME!

His reply was "I'm not company, I'm Hank!" -- Unless you pay me rent, you're company! I insisted he phone first. So he started phoning me from my driveway! "That's NOT what I meant!" I told him.

I became eager to end our relationship, but my therapist talked me out of it. "He's broadening your horizons," she stated. "Look at all the wonderful places he's taking you!"

"But I don't enjoy his company!" I told her.

Also this constant hand-holding he insisted upon bugged the heck out of me! It was too restricting! I consented to kissing him only if he agreed never to slip me the tongue!

But as we sat on my sofa one afternoon he did just that while grabbing my breasts (It was right under a photo of my dead father!) Fortunately I have an over bite that no tongue can penetrate! I quickly stood and moved to a chair."I don't want you getting serious about me!" I shouted over at him.

"What makes you think I'm getting serious?" he said.

"When you do things like THAT, you'd better be getting serious, buster!" I snapped.  I told him he had crossed one too many lines and it was over! I was sick of being his Barbie doll; he needed a blow-up doll instead.

He thought I was being hasty and wanted to schedule another date. Nothing doing, we were finished! Six months of him was more than enough!.. However, we did keep in touch by email for awhile.

He informed me that Marietta would be attending the next meeting of our civic group.

I recognized her immediately though I'd never seen her before. She had long, light-colored hair and was wearing a large floppy hat and a flowing skirt. -- Exactly the way I was dressed!!! So Hank has a type, I chuckled to myself.

As she came closer, I called out her name. I introduced myself and invited her to sit with me. We chatted. Later Hank joined us at the table. Marietta and I split a dessert together. She was a lovely lady.

Afterward, I watched Hank & Marietta walk away together. They looked like an odd couple, but yet, they seemed to fit together well. As I drove home the air felt fresh and sweet. I could actually look forward to uninterrupted peace, now. I could breathe again! And I was finished with dating forever!

In 2012 I embraced my asexuality and joined A.V.E.N.