MY 2016 IN THE REAR VIEW MIRROR

Christmas morning 2015 I awoke sweating from a horrific dream! I was in Hell! I was led thru a dark tunnel by a hooded figure. It opened into an enormous cavern with gigantic flames blazing at the opposite end. Another larger hooded figure loomed off to one side its back to me. Slowly, it began turning in my direction.

I don't want to talk to you, I thought. Then I awoke. It left me shaken and I was sweating. December 2016 was a particularly hot one. I was wearing summer clothes on Christmas Day.

The new year began with my 65th birthday shortly afterward, followed by a wondrous and amazing private tour of Thailand that I will forever treasure. The trip required 7 stressful, even downright torturous airplane flights (3 within Thailand itself) but the destination was worth it.

Other than Thailand, 2016 was memorable for all the wrong reasons.

I returned in terrible shape and suffering pain! I do not have Insurance, and according to Dr. Google, I was in the preliminary stages of an impending heart attack and also diabetic! This sent me into a panic! I went to the clinic with the sliding scale fee to arrange an appointment. I described my symptoms and was instructed to go to the Emergency Room. Since the hospital does not operate on a sliding scale basis, I went home.

I scheduled a session with Life Line Screenings for tests as well as an appointment with the clinic. Both were unable to see me for several months. In the meantime, I drastically changed my diet to all fruits, vegetables, & lean proteins. My weight plummeted fast! Soon I was down to 118 lbs. The pain and swelling in my feet & calves began to diminish.

My test results came as big relief! Other than neuropathy, (nerve damage in my feet) I was healthy. However the doctor at the clinic insisted that I maintain the diet.

Despite the fact I would have affordable health care in another country, I decided expatriating wasn't for me. No place is better than here. But now that sleazy Don and his co-whores are taking over the country, I am reconsidering. Plus HERE is expensive and getting more so all the time!

I'm in the process of all those costly and numerous repairs to my house that I'd put off to afford my exploratory trips. My badly cracked driveway has finally been replaced.

In 2017 my house will need to be repainted and rotting wood replaced.  But first, I must wait until I recover financially. 2016 was a year I was hit from all sides with sudden, unexpected expenses for which I didn't budget!

Among these was hurricane Matthew! A category 4 that missed a direct hit on the Treasure Coast by the skin of our teeth! I gladly sent $100 donation to the Pastor who came up from Port St. Lucie along with my Tech man Jake, to board up my windows. Without them, things could have ended tragically had Matthew hit directly as the charts predicted. My windows were kept boarded until after hurricane season ended.

The outside of my house was covered in mold from all the rain. In November, the man I hired to remove it said he'd unboard me for $100. I was tired of living inside a dark cavern so I agreed to that price. -- I won't go into all the other expenses (& there are plenty) that came out of the blue. That's just life!

As to Matthew, I predicted this hurricane in my tea leaves and I have a witness! This storm I saw in my teacup could also be a foretelling of Donald Trump's win. I can only envision upsets and terrible things coming! Probably far worse than anything that happened in 2016, for both me and our country.

2016 was also the year a friendship ended, badly. Two others developed cracks and repairing them may not be possible.

I'm someone who hates drama and goes out of the way to avoid it. But it always finds a way of hunting me down. However I will deal with it and I'll survive.

ALONE ON THE HOLIDAYS & LOVING IT

Every year we are bombarded with propaganda that Christmas is a warm and fuzzy time for loving family & friends to enjoy together.  -- What a (@$^&*+^%! bunch of bull crap! I prefer to be alone; I enjoy it more that way!

Constantly, I read online or in the newspaper how people should reach out to those alone on the holidays. -- Newsflash! Reach out to me when a hurricane is threatening my house, but for Christ's sake, leave me alone on Christmas!

OK, so holidays alone are depressing for some people, but others (like me) run with it! And we're carrying streamers and screaming for joy!!! Plus I resent the stereotype that people alone are emotionally needy. Not everyone equates being alone with lonely, some find it liberating!!!

However this Christmas, just like the last, I WON'T be alone.

Next door, I have a fairly new, retired couple of snowbirds. Unlike most of my other neighbors, I actually like these people. And that's beginning to create a yearly problem for me. The first time, I was able to politely exclude myself from their Christmas Day plans. I told them that I honestly preferred to spend the day alone. Last year, they insisted I must come to meet their grown kids & grandchildren, along with another couple.

Everyone was pleasant and interesting. I was included in everything and had it not been Christmas Day, I would have welcomed it. BUT, I felt as if I was missing out on all those things I enjoy and look forward to alone.

For decades, my Christmas was spent as a foot soldier in someone else's holiday. Alone, I became the Commander! At long last I could enjoy a Christmas my way! Suddenly I began looking forward to holidays again with the same joy and enthusiasm as I did when I was small child, only now it's even better!

I can decorate to the hilt or not, light scented candles, listen to my favorite music, and spend all day in my pajamas watching movies of my choice. Plus I can serve myself exactly what I like to eat at whatever time I desire. And since Christmas is now my big cheat- on-my-diet day, this is more important than ever!

I'll have it next Christmas! I assured myself last time.

NOT!!!!  I've been lassoed again!!!!

"Everyone remembers you and will be so disappointed if you don't come," I was told.

Only weeks before, I turned this nice couple down when they offered to take me out for Thanksgiving Dinner. I felt they would be offended if I refused another holiday invitation. So reluctantly, I agreed.

Because they live right next door, I can't use my other plans excuse. That lie won't fly! My house is the one right before the bend in the road; their house is set back from mine. Despite all the greenery, they can see all my comings and goings.

Also they spend next to zero time on their computer, so I doubt they'll ever read this.

Next year, I will be both polite and assertive. I vow to reclaim MY Christmas!

CONFESSIONS OF A FOOD BIGOT

“Don’t eat anything WHITE,” warned Oprah Winfrey. “It’s unhealthy!”

Well, I prefer WHITE food!!! – Brown rice, pasta, & bread; were never allowed inside my fridge, pantry, or even my house. They taste so awful to me it kills the pleasure of eating! Give me WHITE rice, pasta, bread, cake, powdered sugar donuts, & Camembert cheese! Anything WHITE, keep that other stuff away from me!

I remember buying chunks of white chocolate at the supermarket to make fudge. As I tossed it onto the counter the woman behind me leaned over. "Don't you know that stuff is like eating pure frosting," she scolded.

"Gosh, you say that as if it's a bad thing," I replied with a smirk. Inside my head I was screaming, "MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, LADY!!!"

Fast forward to the present, I must be careful of what I put into my mouth. The nerve damage in my feet acts as a shock collar if I stray too far from a healthy diet. Strange as it sounds, the pain can be controlled by cutting way back on anything too delicious. However it's better than being dependant on some expensive medication with a long list of side effects.

But thank goodness for my once- a -week doctor sanctioned cheat days! Plus I'm also allowed a special treat every now & then, too. The rest of the time, I'm suffering thru a lot of grilled tofu over kale & mixed veggies. Almost everything I consume now is salad based.

Tofu is white, but it's like the J.F.K. of white foods. It's good for you, but it's unsavory to me. Plain Greek yogurt is another good white food. I use it in place of sour cream which I much prefer.

However one vegetable I just can’t stomach is CARROTS!!! Recently, I bought a bag of frozen mixed veggies. The first thing I did was to remove and throw away all the carrots before placing the bag in my freezer. -- Yet, Carrot Cake is one of my all time favorite desserts! It's a mystery to me how a vegetable so repulsive and gag inducing can be transformed into such a heavenly tasting concoction! Guess it has something to do with all those walnuts, raisins, & coconut in the mixture; or perhaps its voodoo magic!

Until recently, I had never tasted a Brussels’ sprout. In my family, they were never served. The only reason I can imagine is because my father didn’t like them. All our meals were planned around him.  Anyway  yuck! I’ll never buy them again!!!

Apple cider vinegar is supposed to be sooo healthy, almost miraculously so!  But it tastes nasty to me! Honey helps some, but not much. I prefer WHITE vinegar and it tastes better on salads than most dressings!

I make plenty of frittatas, and what comedian Steve Martin refers to as the KKK omelet. (Egg whites only) But often I cheat and mix in a whole egg. Recently, I read that eggs are healthy and to forget what I've read in the past.

The new diet is here to stay. Even if it doesn't keep me out of the hospital or a nursing home, I love being able to fit into my smaller size clothes again.

Plus a small piece of dark chocolate once a day is now considered healthy, too. -- I think I can live with that!

THE TREE IS UP, NOW BRING ON THE ZOMBIES

Forget Black Friday!!! The day following Thanksgiving is when I erect my Christmas tree, it's a tradition of mine.

First, I must remove anything in the surrounding area that's breakable. (I've learned this the hard way!) But that does not include my nearly 66 year old body. The job is a strenuous , physically demanding one. My big artificial tree comes in 3 parts. The first 2 are wide and heavy, the last involves stretching precariously while balancing on a ladder. My tree is set on a table. I have a 30 ft cathedral ceiling and I need the height. Besides, I've never liked small Christmas trees, they look dinky to me.

Putting up a big tree by yourself is similar to fighting zombies. In addition to being vigilant and cautious, you must dress as streamline as possible!  Zombies have bony, grabby fingers and trees (both artificial & real) have branches that catch on fabrics. Both can result in disaster! Often, I wear shorts and a T-shirt, sometimes with a sweater, but no materials that snag.

Last Christmas I decided against a tree. I was going to visit Thailand in early January and didn't want to risk injury. I missed having one, but the trip was just too important.

My snowbird friend Marie worries about me because I only have landlines, (Cell phones don't work inside my house, anyway!) should I ever fall ill, or just fall, period, my closest downstairs phone is high on the wall.

I told her I would crawl to my front door and open it.

"But what if you can't!" she said. "What if you suffer a heart attack?"                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

I insisted I could! To demonstrate, I got down on the floor clutching my chest while moaning "My heart, my heart" as I crawled toward the door.

"It might not be your heart," Marie declared, "You might break a hip, instead!"

Immediately, I shifted my hand down to my thigh. "My hip, my hip" I groaned as I crawled along. Finally, I reached the door, unlocked it, and stuck my head out. In my most pitiful & pathetic voice I whimpered, "help, help,".  We both laughed!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

However, should I fall and hit my head on my stone fireplace, I'd probably be unconscious and a phone would be of no use anyway. And if I fell in the other direction I'd land atop my big TV and that must be protected at all cost! So, while balancing on the ladder, I kept telling myself, if you feel yourself falling, aim for the window in the back!

I always begin this job in mid-morning. This time around it was a chilly Florida day. However, in no time I was breaking into a sweat! I stripped down to my bra and shorts, early. Thanks to my new healthier diet, I'm back to my fighting weight! The Christmas tree was up, decorated and lit by 3:00 PM!

As I gazed upon its sparkle and beauty, suddenly all of my effort had become worth it. A Christmas tree gives a room an exhilarating feeling of magic!

So release the zombies! This old lady can take them on, at least for another year!