BAD COMBOS & WORSE COUPLINGS

Remember when the tabloids were combining the names of celebrity couples? I sure hope that silly trend is over! Who can forget BENNIFER! It sounded like a species of extinct prehistoric plant. First, it was Ben Affleck & Jenifer Lopez, then Ben & Jennifer Garner. Ben must really love that moniker!

Just as goofy is BRANGELINA, the name given to Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie. That one always sounded like a breakfast cereal to me. I envision a commercial with an apron clad mother saying to her son, “Tommy, I know you love Rice Krispies, but Grandpa is having trouble pooping and is cranky. So I bought this box of Brangelina today.”… Next scene, Grandpa  & Tommy are seated together with Mommy standing over them, everyone is smiling. “Brangelina is our new favorite cereal!” Mom announces with pride! Gramps & Tommy raise their spoons high in the air before digging in.

Occasionally, I still hear Brad & Angie referred to as that. I think they are married, now. (Maybe even divorced!) Anyway, this couple has always the Pitts as far as I was concerned.

Sometimes, but rarely, these combos actually work! For example, there’s my friend Rose and husband Brian. I call them BROSE, which sounds rather cool, I think. But then, they’re a cool couple to start!

This got me to thinking about some of the guys I’ve dated in the past. A few aren’t worth remembering or mentioning. Still, I arrived at only goofy sounding combos with Dianne.  See below:

Frank:  DIANK -  sounds like someone gagging into a sink!

Bob:  DIOB -  an acronym for Dangerous Idiots Overseeing Biotechnology

Stan:  STAINNE -  a seedy town on the Danube where unknown artists of questionable talent loiter

Jay:  JADIA-  a menacing Hindu deity with long claws, fangs, & facial hair

Charles:  CHARDI-  a small Third World nation where roasted beetles & fried maggots are considered a delicacy

David:  DAVDI - an exotic dancer from Chardi

Remember I’m asexual and haven’t dated a whole lot!  And boyfriends are over-rated!

Now suspend belief and imagine 25 year old me in my time machine. Picture that steely look of determination on my face as I’m traveling thru time and space. I am stepping back into the mid-1940’s into the Golden Age of Hollywood. And I am dating the stars!!!

Errol Flynn & I are DIARROL! Ewwww, that sounds like an antibiotic for a nasty communicable disease!

But then there’s Clark Gable! Together we are DIARK! Geez, this one sounds like a Slavic person with a speech impediment trying to enunciate the word dark.  Example: “Don’t go ut in diark, vumpares vill  gut you!”

And let’s not forget Alan Ladd, We’re DIALAN! --  What? Isn’t that a drug store product for acid reflux?

Ok, let’s travel a wee bit further back!

Teddy Roosevelt, I’ve always found interesting! And we are TEDIANNE! This one sounds like the name of a snooty Bolshoi ballerina with high pinched cheekbones! I picture her spitting at the audience as she twirls.

Now I’m going far back into the Middle Ages. Here, I am being courted by Henry VIII. – And get this! We would be DIARY! Hey, I used to write in one of those as a teenager! As usual, I depart with my head and everything else intact.

Wow, I’m moving up in the world the farther back I go!!! (Remember, I’m an enchantress with a time machine.) King Arthur and I have a serious flirtation erupting. And Guinevere may not become the Queen after all. Feathers are ruffled and Camelot is aflutter because of the shenanigans between DIATHUR! Yikes, that sounds like a villain in an ancient Greek tragedy. However I won’t be the villain here, I’m moving on.

Now I’m zooming way, way back in history to ancient Rome. Oh, this toga feels sooo comfortable! And my slaves from Britannia are hand-feeding me figs & grapes. Julius Ceasar & I have found one another. Together, we are JULIANNE.  Folks, I think we have a winner!!!

FOOTNOTE:   Cleopatra is dead. I slit her throat last week!