FRACTURED & TOOTHLESS SMILES

Dentists throughout the Treasure Coast have a nickname for me. I’m the “Saliva Pit!” I’ve been called this so often it could be in my obituary. Often, I hear comments like, “OMG! Get a pool man in here!” or “Someone turn off this fountain!”

My saliva glands run on overdrive. And no, I don’t spit when I talk, not anymore than you!

On the plus side, dentists often marvel at the immaculate cleanliness of my teeth. I’m a fanatical flosser! Plaque contributes to heart disease and I can’t afford to do any hospital time! So if I eat a piece of fruit or just a cracker, I automatically brush and floss afterward. Frequently I’m told to limit my brushing to 2 minutes and use less enthusiasm.

On my 2 recent trips outside the country I was forced to neglect much of my dental routine. This bothered me tremendously! My friend Rose and fellow traveler to South America, told me not to worry so much. “Some people only brush their teeth once a day,” she informed me.

“Well I don’t care to know anyone like that!” I replied. “They’re disgusting!”

Plus MY teeth are really expensive!!! Most of the visible ones are crowns. Those fracture easily and are crazy expensive to replace! Plus I have bridges on each side and they aren’t cheap to replace, either! That’s just one more reason I should expatriate.

My 1st smile make-over was back in 1998, the dentist assured it would last for at least 20 years. LIAR! Those crowns cracked within FIVE! This dentist left the clinic shortly after the work was completed. My father called it a money-grubbing place because they were constantly jacking up the price!

Soon afterward, we were living in Vero Beach and I had a mouthful of cracked crowns. Within a year, my father suffered a stroke. The following one, he was dying of cancer. The crowns had to wait.

A year after my father passed, I let my regular dentist replace the crowns. (BIG MISTAKE!) My nickname for him became Dr. Rabbit Fetish! He was a big fan of the seagull wing look. To my eyes, it was more the bunny-rabbit look! The temporary plastic crowns I was given were extremely unflattering, to say the least!

I thought surely I must be the victim of a prank and a hidden camera was trained on me! Not only were they hideous, they were HUGE! I looked exactly like a Syfi mutant, a human-hare hybrid!!! I seriously couldn’t believe they’d allow me to walk out of there looking like that!!! I complained, but was reminded these were only temporary. Tired, I left! I’d just cocoon at home and keep my mouth tightly closed if I went out in public.

The following morning as I bit into my breakfast bagel they fell out into my plate! Quickly, I prepared for an emergency trip back. This was a bad hair day, so I tied a scarf and grabbed my dark sunglasses. As I turned the corner, I hit the brakes to avoid hitting a neighbor’s dog. She mouthed a thank you and smiled at me. I smiled back! Suddenly an expression of sheer horror emerged on her face. Then I remembered my 4 front teeth were missing!

“Do NOT put those hideous things back in my mouth!” I demanded when I returned to the clinic. This time I departed with a more flattering pair. But the first should have been a big red flag!

The porcelain caps I received were so identical, they looked like cut-rate dentures, nothing like my beautiful original crowns! I refused them and asked for the plastic ones back while I searched elsewhere. The dentist demanded I pay for them regardless. We argued and I feared he would send me out of there toothless! (I should have let him do just that and driven straight to a lawyer!) Under duress, I agreed to let him install the crowns. Afterward, I told him they looked like Dollar Store ones!

He said could make them look less identical and began creating spaces between the teeth. Well afterward they looked even worse! And this was not like a bad haircut that would grow back! These were permanently attached to my face! After all this time and expense I was back to being ashamed of my smile! I filed a complaint against him with the BBB!

At this point in time, I was still flush with inheritance money. Also this was before my staggering financial loss in G.M. Bonds that changed my life. Plus I HATED those crowns and felt sick every time I looked into a mirror! I avoided smiling and my confidence was eroding. They had to go!

I made an appointment with a prosthodontist, a woman.  She was more understanding. But there was a new problem, a fractured root in my right front crown! I needed an IMPLANT! This was another major expense! And for this, I needed another specialist, an oral surgeon.

Finally, at long last, early on a Saturday morning, the prosthodontist opened her office just for me. She, the oral surgeon and members of their staff, all showed up in shorts & T-shirts to complete the job. I was pleased with the result!

However, there was ONE problem, I had a ridge over the implant which not only appeared unnatural, but was a major food catcher! The prosthodontist said it was part of the abutment and she could remove it, but it would look worse. She sent me back to the oral surgeon. He said the only way to fix it was to replace the implant! Not having money to burn, I left. – A year later, the ridge fell off by itself and the implant looks perfect, now!

Recently on a dental visit, to my horror, I was informed that I had a torn eye in my mouth!!! Turns out this is dental slang for an abnormality in the back of my lower gum line. This abnormality is the reason for my delicate gag reflex.

Reluctantly, I have agreed to kiss suitors in the past, but warned them never to slip me any tongue or I’m liable to vomit down their throat! Some have ignored this, but thank goodness I am blessed with an overbite that no tongue can penetrate.

I absolutely love my reconstructed smile, again! And I must say it sure gets me more attention than I actually deserve, or want.