THE FRUITCAKE STOPS HERE

There’s a lame joke that seems to have been around forever, the one claiming that only one fruitcake exists and it gets passed around to everyone. Many have declared it the worst gift possible! Frankly, I’ve never understood why.  This delectable dessert was once proclaimed sinfully decadent and outlawed in 18^th century Europe.

Of course as my father used to say, “There’s fruitcake and then there’s FRUITCAKE! Not all fruitcakes are created equal.

 In MY world there are 4 categories:

1:  Drug Store Fruitcake.  The kind that gives it the bad rep! It’s hard, dry, fructose flavored, & dotted with neon green citron.                                                                                    

2:  Supermarket Bakery Fruitcake.   OK tasting, but nothing special.                               

 3:  Gourmet Gift Catalogue Fruitcake.  These are the Cadillac of fruitcakes, delicious but far from cheap!

4:  Great Grandma Fruitcake.  The ones of myth and legend, they are the Sasquatch of fruitcakes because they are so rare. According to my father, his German-born Grandmother made the best tasting ones ever! These were so extraordinary nothing else came close!  -- I’ve never actually tasted one myself.

Fruitcake goes all the way back to the ancient Egyptians. It was placed on tombs as an offering to the dead. Perhaps this is how its flavorless rumor began.

In various forms, fruitcake has been around as long as civilization. It was during Roman times that this dessert became common in ring shape.

Ancient Roman fruitcakes consisted of pine nuts, pomegranate seeds, & barley mash. During Medieval times; spices, honey, & preserved fruit were added. Sugar by the cupful was added during the 16^th century. Later candied fruits from the Mediterranean were added along with a variety of nuts. It was the Victorians who added alcohol.

These days, a gift fruitcake is usually the awful Drug Store variety. However, these can easily be made palatable with just a little creativity. Just take a slice, place it in a bowl, add 2 tablespoons of brandy, rum, or amaretto, (any more than 2 tablespoons and there’s too much icky alcohol taste!) cover and microwave for 25 seconds. Then add a scoop of ice cream if desired.

Personally, I don’t like to waste money on alcohol, (unless you’re an alcoholic you won’t miss it) I spread honey or maple syrup on top &, add chopped nuts. Remember, fruitcake is dessert! A dab of chocolate fudge sauce & whipped cream also work.

The best fruitcake I’ve ever tasted was the Hawaiian variety with pineapple & macadamia nuts. Now I’ve never liked pineapple, but I loved it in this! Also I don’t like apples (even in apple pie) but the dried ones in fruitcake greatly enhance the taste. The catalogue kind needs no doctoring.

Fruitcake tastes best when served with tangerine flavored tea, apricot works well, too.

Our first Christmas after moving to Vero Beach I was consumed with fruitcake fever! I looked forward to one gracing our holiday table in our new home. Just days before, my father & I were at the supermarket. That year, they displayed a wide variety. I drooled over every one, trying to decide.

 “Wait until the day after Christmas,” my father urged, “they’ll practically be giving them away! We’ll have one New Year’s Day!”

Reluctantly, I agreed. We returned then, also to buy holiday ornaments cheap, as well. These were mostly picked over. As for fruitcakes, there wasn’t ONE left in the store! We went to another supermarket, NO FRUITCAKES! Out of desperation we went to a Drug Store, nary a ONE there either!!!

This Christmas I’m going to splurge on a catalogue fruitcake because it may be my last one in this house. I don’t know what’s available in the Third World. Having one shipped is pricey, I’m sure. If I have to give fruitcake up entirely, I’ll miss it.

So now I’ve got catalogues spread out before me. Hmmm, perhaps I’ll get the tasty Southern version with lots of pecans, walnuts, & cherries. But wait, I see a chocolate variety! No, hold on, there’s one with blueberries & walnuts I really want to try! -- STOP! I need to be strong; I must choose ONE and only ONE!

Oh, but when I take that first bite little faeries tickle the sides of my mouth with honeyed wands. Christmas elves skip merrily across my teeth as a parade of tiny dancers & acrobats twirl and leap upon my tongue tossing colorful candied streamers. Ahhhh, fruitcake tastes like Christmas with all of its wonders and delights, m-m-m. Yum! Yum! Yum!