GETTING OFF THE BOTTLE

In my life, there have been heaps of bottles! Many different colors, but similar size and all with pointed tips. Hair coloring in the home is easy, also way cheaper and quicker than in a salon.

But now, I’m taking a stab at going natural. When I turn 65 in another year, I plan to expatriate to the Third World. I need to look the part when applying for a retirement visa.

Currently, I do not. Whenever I ask for a senior discount, usually the answer is, “Tell them, yes, we’ll do that when they come in.” When informed that "I am the senior," I’m forced to whip out my Driver’s License. Then, I must convince them I’ve never been a crack addict even though I look like one in that photo.

I’ve always been proud of my youthful looks! A few years back; I couldn’t imagine deliberately trying to make myself appear older. -- Of course I may hate it! If that’s the case, I’ll go back to blonde after I am settled. However I’m getting too much white around my face to be a redhead, again. -- Although with all my wigs I can be whatever color or style I desire!

When my gray grows long enough to style, I’ll update my pictures on social media.

I have been advised to apply for a passport as soon as possible in the event of problems. I replied that my roots need grow out more or I’ll be wearing a crew cut in the photo! I was informed that I could wear one of my wigs because my face will be the focus, not my hair. Women tend to frequently change hairstyles & colors. – I know this one does!

Recently, I dug out my old passport. In it I am sporting a typical 1970’s look with long, flowing, blonde hair and a big cameo choker. Back then, I was quite the world traveler. It was a perk of living at home!

On most of my trips overseas, I was “The Kid.” These tours consisted of as many older single/widowed/divorced women as couples. I felt fortunate to be able to travel while I was still young. At age 30, I was a veteran of the escorted tour.

After I expatriate, I might just decide to embrace being a senior citizen. I will be surrounded by retirees of similar age. However, this does not mean I intend to let myself fall apart. I am still going to be me!

In other parts of the world, they don’t lick the bottoms of 18 year olds as they do in North America. Anyone here over 50 is considered a member of the walking dead, or a dinosaur. All I have to say is, watch it punks! Zombies are slow, but they can still do damage. Also you are liable to run into a T-Rex or Raptor! As a girl, I knew an old woman who was a Pterodactyl!

YOUR TIME WILL COME!  BWAAHAAHAAAA! 

I know many younger people are saying, “By the time I’m HER age they’ll have found a way to reverse the aging process.” And this may be true! But YOU may not be able to afford the procedure. By then, the 1 per cent will probably be controlling the planet! Odds are, I won’t be alive to see it, but you will.

No one is ever ready to be old. I never much liked the idea, myself. But soon, I intend to be part of the gray migration into the Third World. This will be a new life, in a new country, with a newly gray me.

COUNTRY SHOPPING

For years, I thought if the time ever came for me to expatriate, it would be Mexico. Unfortunately, Mexico is now a far more violent place than when I was vacationing there in the 70’s. However, I’ve read that many areas remain reasonably safe. I’m especially taken with a town called San Miguel de Allende. I may still choose Mexico, or even Belize. I haven’t come to any decision, yet.

Currently, I’m concentrating on Thailand & Ecuador. I am planning to visit both in the near future. My big concern is that I won’t like either place. I’ve been to numerous countries in the past that were fascinating to visit, but I’d never want to live there!

A few months ago, I wasn’t considering anyplace but Thailand. It has the cheapest cost of living, unless of course I moved to someplace like Uganda, (or some other 4^th world hell hole!) I’ve subscribed to a Thai Expat newsletter featuring real estate as well as news of Thailand along with an advice column.

The weather is described as hot, hotter, & rainy hot! And I’m constantly complaining that Florida is too hot for me! My hair and I do not have a tolerance for heat and humidity. Also this is monsoon country!

Plus Thailand is dirty old man paradise! Men are amazed at how attractive they become on the plane over. The pretty girls are cheap, I hear. It’s not unusual to see a creepy old geezer cuddling & necking with a girl young enough to be his granddaughter. However, I’m not going in search of a husband, so this really does not affect me.

As a child, I thought Thailand was pronounced Thigh Land. Also Bangkok is well named. This would make it Bang Cock Thigh Land! How appropriate!!!

My entire life I’ve lived within 10 minutes of the ocean. Perhaps that’s why I find the mountains more breathtaking and appealing. If I moved to Thailand, it would be up in the northern most province in a town called Chiang Rai near the Burmese & Laotian border. This is also the cheapest area in Thailand, plus one of the most scenic. The houses there are rustic-looking, which I prefer. In the rest of the Thailand they are mostly tropical. My home in Vero Beach has that rustic charm I love.

I hear the food is out of this world and so inexpensive; I could afford to eat every meal out. – Extra points for that!

For about 2 months, it actually gets cold in Chiang Rai. (Cold by Florida standards, not Michigan) Unfortunately, the temperature is sweltering most of the time. -- OK, so I’d get a house with air-conditioning! Only problem, many of the houses there, only the upstairs or a bedroom is air-conditioned. A fully air-conditioned home can be pricey!

Most of the homes featured in the newsletter are just gorgeous, but so high-end that if I could afford one I wouldn’t need to be moving.

Now if I expatriated to Ecuador, I’d want to be up in the Andes where the weather is spring-like year round. I’ve got my eye on a charming little town called Cotacachi. It is only a half hour away by bus or taxi to the larger cities of Ibarra & Otavalo.  

Incredibly the U.S. Dollar is the currency of Ecuador! For someone who is mathematically challenged, this is much easier than trying to constantly figure out Thai Bahts! Also in Ecuador I would be able to use my Florida Driver’s License until it expires in 2020!

Best of all, in BOTH countries I wouldn’t even need a car!!! Taxis & buses are really cheap. This will be an enormous blessing once old age really kicks in. Besides, knowing what I do, I’m hesitant to drive in the Third World, anyway. Also it will save me lots of money! Plus I can even afford a maid!

However, just as Thailand, there are things that worry me about Ecuador! It’s the popular new In-Place for Expats. They are swarming there in droves along with developers! Also the wealthy are buying 2^nd & 3^rd homes there creating a chasm between rich & everyone else. (Of course we have that in Vero Beach, too!) All of these factors are going to drive up the cost living there!

Unfortunately, no place is immune to inflation. I read complaints that prices are rising every day in Thailand, too.

This is why I plan to rent, only. I may be forced to keep on the move during my old age just to survive. I may end up in Timbuktu!

There are many other negatives, among them; both countries have earthquakes and volcanoes. Plus I fret about being stuck in a Third World country should the Dollar be de-valued. Suppose there is a world-wide economic collapse! Or I could get struck by a truck my 1^st day off the plane. There is no end of terrible things that could happen if I choose to think that way. Good grief, in either country I could be attacked by a pack of rabid monkeys!

Whenever I tell others of my plans, usually they exclaim, “How exciting!” But they have no concept of the pressure I am under. Before long, I will be faced with a serious life changing decision and I need to choose wisely.

HITCHHIKING THE HOROSCOPE HIGHWAY

What do Elvis Presley, Stephen Hawking, Butterfly McQueen, and I, plus that creepy little North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un ALL have in common? Answer: We ALL have the same birthday!!! You could not come up with a more diverse group of individuals. This is why astrology is nothing but a load of $#&!!!

All of us born under the sign of the mergoat. (Capricorn) This is an earth sign, although the goat has a fin. Why is that?

Over the decades, I’ve met several women who share my birthday, 2 born the same year. We are as dissimilar as a basket of pineapples, golf balls, & lug nuts. Now astrologers argue that other factors are in play such as time of birth and location. They claim it’s a science and is accurate if done correctly.

Around 1965 a famous astrologer charted Jacqueline Kennedy for THE SATURDAY EVENING POST. Asked if she would remarry, “NO was the definitive answer,” he declared. “She belonged to her country now!” – Well that turned out to be a real hoot!!!

Every day, I read my horoscope out of curiosity. I’ve been doing this since I was 14 and I’m now 64. Only ONCE, during all those decades did I receive a correct prediction! It happened when I was 33. The newspaper astrologer predicted that I would receive a gift from a stranger. That evening, I was meeting my brother’s new girlfriend. We were treating her to a belly-dancing performance at a local restaurant for Greek night. As soon as she stepped from her car the girlfriend handed me a box of chocolates! OH WOW!!! Magic forces here!!! Oooooooo!!!

Not long before, I lost my CETA job thanks to the newly elected Ronald Reagan. I went on lots of interviews but was unable to get hired. This left me depressed, to say the least. Thru the mail, I was offered a special deal on an astrological chart, along with monthly predictions from a popular 1980’s astrologer, an attractive blonde lady I had seen on several TV talk shows. She seemed convincing. I was curious and hopeful.

When my chart arrived, I thought there must be a mix-up! This person was NOT me! Ditto for the prediction which I’ll never forgot! -- I would be offered a lucrative job overseas; soon I would be hosting a wine & cheese party. (Yeah,right!) When the following month’s prediction arrived, I returned it unopened. They sent me a bill! I wrote across it that their chart and predictions were as remote from my life as Pluto!!!

Shortly after, I received a letter from some esoteric group. They claimed I would never fit in with regular people because I was a BEYONDER! Naturally, they wanted to guide and help me fulfill my true destiny for a price. I smelled a scam!!!

A psychic astrologer wrote several months later to reach out. He viewed me in a trance and knew I needed his help. Because I was a special case, he would give me a discount. I sent his letter flying straight into the garbage!

Not long after that, another wrote, this one an older woman. “I love you, Dianne.” were her first words. She claimed to know everything about me, (via trance). Plus she intended to make me rich, provided I send her $100 first! – That letter got torn up before being tossed!

Before long, I was receiving a flood of these in the mail! Clearly I was on this SUCKER LIST thanks to that TV astrologer.

It seems I’m quite the popular gal in trances! The latest claimed that in her vision I stood before a Tudor style mansion. She saw me hosting a huge party with children running across my vast lawn while I was serving champagne & grilling steaks. She swore this would be my reality if I would just hire her to advise me.

In the 1^st place, I hate children; I would NEVER invite them onto my property. 2^nd I do NOT drink alcohol and would NEVER serve it to anyone! 3^rd I do NOT eat mammals for humane and ethical reasons! -- So much for her psychic abilities!!! All she had to do was Google me for more accurate info! That is probably what MOST of these cons do, anyway.

And now that I have email, my SPAM is full of this garbage, sandwiched between those foreigners who want to give me all their millions. Once you get on the SUCKER LIST, you’re there for eternity.

LOOKING AHEAD TO 2016 & BEYOND

Another year, 2015 is already upon us, my birthday too, in a week.

If you know me, or read my blog, you’re aware I’m planning to expatriate in the near future. My 1^st choice is Thailand, the cheapest, although Ecuador might be a better fit. I am planning to visit the latter this year & the former in early 2016. After which, I must decide quickly.

Had you told me a few years back that I would be planning 2 major trips just months apart, I would have screamed, “Wow, did I win the lottery!” These are expensive for a woman on a fixed income; however I’m in search of a future home! I can’t just say, “Oh that place looks nice!” then up and move there. I need to check them out first.

I’ve been saving like a maniac!!! For the past year and the next, I’m forgoing all theatre movies & live entertainment. I’m keeping lunches out to a minimum and only inexpensive places. At home I’ve been eating lots of pasta, rice, soup, and breakfasts for dinner to afford these trips. Plus I do not live lavishly. I am not into Spas! Also I’ve neglected expensive repairs to my home, because I’m planning to sell “As is.” I know the buyer will gut the inside and replace everything to suit their own taste.

Others have told me I won’t be happy living alone in a Third World country. Well, I’d love to stay and continue my life here in Vero Beach; unfortunately my quality of life is quickly eroding due to inflation.

The whole purpose in expatriating is to have more money in my pocket. Expatriating will enable me to enjoy a better retirement than I can ever have here; more dining out and perhaps some travel. Also I’ll have affordable health care! I’m already suffering old age maladies; such as arthritis, acid reflux, and a slowly deteriorating left hip.

If I remain, I’ll just be old and poor. In a few years, I’ll probably be balancing on my one good hip croaking out, “Welcome to Walmart!”

My financial adviser is quite unhappy about my plans. When I mentioned Thailand, he nearly passed a water buffalo! (You know that’s true, Bob!) He worries that I won’t be able to handle all the red tape and technicalities involved.

I’ll admit I’m worried about this, too! I’m mathematically challenged, plus anything technical or too complicated goes straight over my head. Often, when I try to walk in my big girl pants they fall around my ankles and trip me!

Plus I’ve heard the first year after expatriating is a nightmare filled with panic. But after things settle, you want to kick yourself for not moving sooner. However, since I’ll be dealing with problems alone, that panicky nightmare might last for several years.

But then, I was left alone to navigate in a strange city after my father died.

Besides, both countries have a large number of expatriates, all of whom have endured the same ordeals. As more Baby-boomers retire, I believe expatriating will be common. Instead of moving here to Florida, seniors will be heading for the Third World.

However, I don’t know how helpful they will be. If they are anything like my neighbors, not very!

This will be a cataclysmic and terrifying move for me! But sometimes in life you have to jump out of the boat and hope! It’s more compelling when the boat is sinking. You can grab onto the sides and go down with it. Or you can swim to that unfamiliar island in the distance and hope the sharks don’t spot you. I choose the latter!