GETTING ANTSY

Besides ugly mold upon my roof and driveway, the summer storms drove the ants inside my walls. By autumn, they were invading the inside of my home. The day prior to last Thanksgiving, sugar ants were everywhere in my kitchen! Thanks to a cold front the night before, they were gone Thanksgiving morning. My holiday was saved!

A few weeks back, I returned from lunch with a friend. The first thing I did was to slip off my shoes before getting a drink of water. As I stood over the sink, my feet and ankles began stinging with pain. Red ants were all over my kitchen floor!

That morning thanks to the Florida humidity, my International Coffee had hardened into a rock! I used a knife where a jackhammer was required. Flavored coffee powder was flying everywhere! I thought I’d cleaned it all up, apparently not! Hey, this was around 5:30 AM everything was dark!

In the bright light of afternoon, I could see the red invasion! I did not want to spray RAID around my kitchen and pantry. In my garage was a powder guaranteed to kill them. It cautioned against using around pets & children. Since I have neither, I thought I was safe. I covered my floor with the stuff & went upstairs to change my clothes and program my DVR, etc.

After about an hour, I was ready to vacuum. Perhaps it’s because my vacuum was old, (I empty after each use, honest!) instead of sucking up the powder, it was blown up into the air to form a white atomic-looking cloud spreading poison throughout my house. Quickly I dropped the handle and dashed upstairs 3 steps at a time instead of 2! -- I didn’t want that stuff in my lungs!

After reading the entire newspaper from cover-to-cover, I determined it was safe to come back down. I swept up all the poison powder, and then mopped my floor with bleach.

Since then, several people have told me I should have used baking  powder & vinegar for ants & clean-up because they are less hazardous. As a history buff, that reminds me of the final days of WWII. Hitler armed children & old men to defend the homeland; this is vinegar & baking powder. To really get the job done right, you need bleach & insecticide! They are like the U.S. Marines storming the beach at Normandy. Sure, there’s a chance you’ll get hit by friendly fire, but that’s just collateral damage.

The following day, I bought a new vacuum cleaner. It was light-weight, just as my previous one. I don’t like lugging anything heavy up my staircase. Unlike my previous one, this one required assembly!

I am about as skilled at assembling things as I am at programming a computer, which is not at all! Others tell me this is precisely why I need a husband. In other words, I should make 2 people unhappy just so I can have a free handyman.

I ended up putting it in my spare room with the half-assembled fan I bought 2 summers ago.

Anytime you see a solitary ant, crush it! This is a scout, the little Flint McCullough of ants. (If you grew up during the Golden Age of Westerns as I did, you know who he is.) If the little ant McCullough doesn’t return, the settlers will stay away.

Ant-wise, I’m all prepared for this Thanksgiving! I’ve thoroughly cleaned my counter tops and pantry. Plus I’m armed with bait traps, talc, and boric acid. Also cheap Dollar Store perfume works in a pinch if I want to drown them. -- Cough!