THE BACK-TO-SCHOOL BALLET

Hisss! Booooo $#%*! <+>!!! <o>!!! That was my reaction to the 1^st day of school, back when I was a kid.

Now that I’m an adult, I sing! “Yippy! Skippy! My mailbox is safe until the weekend!” Inside, I’m leaping and twirling thru the air in sheer exultation!

Truth be told, I’ve always hated kids, even back when I was one! The only thing that I have against abortion is they don’t perform nearly enough of them. Children are dirty and they make way too much noise. It’s a mystery to me why people actually want them around.

Imagine what a more beautiful, sweet, and serene world this would be without children fouling the landscape. They are vermin! – The definition of vermin is: annoying, destructive, pest. It applies!

After moving here, I got a queasy feeling seeing all the mailboxes lined up along the road. This seemed to be just inviting trouble. In the years to come, I would find garbage, silly-string, and other sticky disgusting things inside my mailbox. If I put my flag up, it would be down and vice versa, or I’d find it wide open on a rainy day. – These happenings always occurred during summer, a weekend, or a school holiday.

I wish these kids would keep their booger-pick’n fingers off my property! I’ve always thought tampering with someone else’s mail was a federal offense!

Example: I was out pulling weeds from my walkway; a boy on a bicycle was parked in the street drinking a slurpee. We saw, but did not acknowledge one another. I went indoors to pay a few bills. (To this day, I don’t conduct any important business online because I’m hacker candy.) As I walked toward my mailbox I noticed red slime all over the top. Inside, remained what was left of the slurpee.

That was the proverbial last straw! I gave my box a thorough cleaning, then drove to the Post Office to mail my bills and file a complaint.

I was given a form to fill out, but since I didn’t know the kid’s name or what house from which he spawned, it was useless. I was instructed to call the police the next time it happened. – Of course they would give this top priority!

Kids today may be little whizzes when it comes to technology, but in all other ways they seem dumber. They should be forced to attend school year round, starting earlier in the day and ending late into the evening.

On another recent occasion, while I was on my computer, I heard the doorbell ring. Since I was expecting a package, I looked outside, nothing! Then I noticed long, ratty-colored hair hanging down the side of the big oak in my yard. – I knew I’d been punked! I returned to the computer as my doorbell continued to ring on & off repeatedly all morning.

Annoyed, I went upstairs to where I could get a good view. I spied a group of about 5 or more girls ranging in age from 11 to 14 running from my property. -- I always thought ringing doorbells was something 5 & 6 year old kids did for jollies, some of these skanks looked to be in Junior High!

I did my best to ignore them. Later, I went back upstairs and happened to glance out my window. This group of delinquents was now gathered around my mailbox. My jaw dropped as I watched an older girl pull it open. Quickly I lifted my window. “What are you were looking for in there!” I shouted. She glared up at me and shrugged. Slowly, they moved away, seating themselves on the street in front of my neighbor’s house.

The second after my mailman arrived, I was out there! I was expecting a new auto insurance policy and wanted to make certain I actually received it.

The following day, I asked my neighbor if she had noticed that group of girls, and if she knew where they lived, or their parent’s names. She shook her head. “I doubt they were from this neighborhood,” she said. “Someone was probably throwing a party and that’s why they were around.”

So why weren’t they at the party house? In fact, the kids always seem to be out in the street rather than home on their own property where they belong! There are too many damn kids around here!

Hark, I hear bells! I’m leaping, twirling, leaping! I know it ain’t Santa in his reindeer sleigh. -- Those are SCHOOL BELLS! -- Suck it up and eat chalk, brats!

I fall to the carpet in happy exhaustion. Sky kick!

LOOSENING THE UNFRIENDING FAIRY

She’s a little bitch that fairy, kind’a like the hit lady of Facebook. However, sometimes a herd needs culling. And I’ve been on the receiving end more than a few times myself.

“Who the blazes are these people?” I’d say to myself every time I went thru my “Friends” list. I didn’t know many of them from a hole in the dirt! I’d put it off long enough, they had to go!

I know this sounds hypocritical coming from the LinkedIn whore. (That’s me!) However, LinkedIn is business site and I may actually conduct business with those connections. Facebook is a social site, except I have O interaction with all but a few. Too many strangers were taking up space. Of course anyone whose name ever appeared on my wall even once was safe, with 1 or 2 exceptions.

People I unfriend, tend to fall into 2 extremes. Either they are total strangers who completely ignore me after I accept their invitations, or they immediately ring me up for a private chat besieging me with annoying and intrusive personal questions. Young guys from foreign countries tend to fall into the latter category.

I was on the fence about some. Often, if it was someone from Vero Beach I wondered if I might have met them at one of the local business networking luncheons. If so, I’m liable to run into them again and it might prove awkward.

But then I remembered, I’ve been unfriended by several from these events. And these were people I had chatted with more than a few times, too. I was taken by surprise when I got the boot! Probably it had to do with politics. Vero Beach is a strongly religious, Tea Party town. And I’m that heathen woman who voted for Obama. (Twice!)

However, anyone is within their rights to unfriend anyone for ANY reason! In the great scheme of things unfriending is no big deal. Besides, I would rather have 2 good, close friends than 2000 faux ones.

I’ll admit I greatly enjoy Facebook. Each time I click on, I feel like a kid with a new toy. But it’s tantamount to living on a diet of cotton candy & potato chips. It’s also tremendous time suck. At my age time is quickly running out. Time is no illusion when you are growing older.

It’s remarkable how one’s perception of time changes with age. During those miserable desk years when my backside was velcroed to a chair (school & work) an hour dragged by so slowly it felt like 5 hours. -- Of course back then, I was stuck in a place I hated.

Now, I just blink and it seems the whole day is over in a flash! Time is traveling at warp speed, it’s really scary!

Often, after watching 10 minutes of a movie, I’ll reach for the remote to delete. I’m not wasting 2 hours of my life on this! I’m thinking. But I’ve wasted more hours than that on Facebook!

Another author insisted I needed to be there to promote my work. All it has done is to make me less productive. With all the time lost, I could have written and published another book. Not to mention I’d have a much cleaner house!

With determination, I’ve set out to limit my non-productive computer time. And it’s more of a challenge than I had anticipated. It’s way too easy to lose track of time online! You’re in another zone, which is wonderful if you are actually accomplishing something, not looking at videos or reading posts.

I need major Facebook cold turkey. If I can’t muster up the discipline to do that, I’m seriously thinking about deactivating. Perhaps that’s the answer, period. We’ll see.

MAKE-UP, SHAKE-UP, & MARK-UP

Here’s an old saying: “Powder and paint make little girls what they ain’t.” And here is another: “Any old barn looks good with a new coat of paint.” Both are true!

Way back when I was a teenager, my father told me that cosmetic companies take advantage of women. The stuff cost pennies to make, not only is there a tremendous mark-up, but they keep raising the price to ridiculous new heights. They figure they have women over a barrel and can get away with it.

Nowadays, I purchase most of my make-up at the Dollar Store. Hey, those greedy bastards are not going to make a big profit off me! But to my horror, I read recently that discount store cosmetics have nasty ingredients harmful to your health. So far, I haven’t suffered any ill effects, no puss-spewing boils, nor have my fingernails turned black and rotted off.

I shouldn’t make light this, since the facts are probably valid. Most of these products are made overseas probably in some third world country. Lord knows what goes into them! Perhaps I’ve just been lucky so far. Unfortunately, I’m forced to think with my wallet.

When make-up gets old, it should be thrown out to avoid infection, anyway. However, it’s far easier to toss out stuff that isn’t outrageously expensive!   

A high-end department store cosmetologist was interviewed on TV. “First thing,” she said “we make them show us the cosmetics in their purse. Then we sigh with disdain, shake our heads and display our more expensive versions.”

Since the creation of 24 hour lip stain, I leave make-up at home. (Also my lips are tattooed.) Speaking hypothetically, if I got that reaction, I’d tell her, “Missy, I’m twice your age and look way better than you!” – No, no, no, I would NEVER say that to anyone! – But you’d better believe I’m thinking it!!! I’d probably just gather up my things and leave.

A couple decades ago when I was an ash blonde, I found an eye shadow/liner that went so perfectly with my hair & complexion it looked as if I’d been born wearing it. Best of all, it was inexpensive. This was a drugstore product.

Without warning, it vanished from the shelves! “That shade has been discontinued,” the clerk told me. -- How could they do such a mean thing! Surely I wasn’t the only ash blonde around! I took what remained to the Cosmetic Dept at the mall. I placed it on the counter.

“We don’t carry that brand!” The snippy young salesgirl told me.

“I know you don’t,” I replied. “I’m searching for a similar shade.”

She found one nearly exact, at about 5 times the price! It was placed inside a fancy bag and I carried it home.

This pricey version flaked and didn’t stay in place. I was constantly doing damage control; otherwise I looked like I had 2 black eyes. Also it drifted and caked in the creases of my upper lid. I had none of these problems with the cheap drugstore version! Obviously price doesn’t guarantee quality.

Shortly after, I switched to a different shade of blonde. Each time I change hair color, I change make-up as well. Now I’m a redhead, but I tell everyone not to get too used to this color.

I must be doing something right! This 63 year old barn is holding up pretty well, with or without the paint job.

THE SUPERNATURAL VS.THE NATURAL LOOK

Seems every other week I see online that some woman is conducting a “bold” experiment and going make-up free in public for a year. Oh please! Look at all the dish-rag faces around, it’s not a “bold” experiment, its everyday life!

Just go inside one of those fundamentalist churches and see all the “bold “women in their drab clothes sitting in the pews.

Why the rush to join the frump-a-dump brigade???

The latest woman in this experiment has a pleasant face, but bland as vanilla pudding. – I like rainbow sprinkles on my vanilla pudding! We taste with our eyes as much as with our lips.

What is wrong with trying to look your best!

Yes, make-up is a mask, but so are clothes! There is nothing wrong with that! – It’s the mask on the inside for which you have to watch out!

The following day, I watched a video of random men being made-up by a cosmetologist. A step in the right direction! Now, I want to see men forced into the same tight, revealing, uncomfortable clothes women endure!!!

Clothes can be comfortable and modest, yet still attractive. The ladies clothing designers seem to have forgotten this.

Unless performing on a stage, no one (man or woman) needs to wear as much make-up as in that video! Just a bit here & there can work magic! I can show you how to go from blah to ooh la la!  

A friend who read my latest book (co-authored with April Sampson) told me, “You sure go thru a whole lot to look like that!” Much of what is in the book exists only as an option, I reminded her.

The best cosmetic is clean living. Otherwise all the make-up in the world won’t help. Strangely, this seems to be the hardest for most. And don’t skimp on sunscreen! This is crucial!

I should not have to point out that the right clothes and cosmetics add to a woman’s empowerment! A good Nazi woman did not wear make-up. It was discouraged in that society! In Muslim countries, women are forced to wear burqas in public. In a totalitarian male-dominated society, anything that empowered women is either discouraged or outright forbidden. Beauty has power; a lot of men can’t handle that.

I recall a once popular saying, “There are no unattractive women, only those who don’t know how to be beautiful.” The problem nowadays is that most women won’t even make the effort. This is truly a sin.