PIE OF THE PIONEERS

My idea of cooking is punching holes in a tray. But I needed delicious, low-calorie, inexpensive recipes for my new book, LOOK LIKE A PRINCESS ON A PAUPER’S BUDGET And You Don’t Have To Kiss A Frog To Do It (Amazon & Kindle) so I asked my friend and illustrator April Sampson to co-author. This happens to be one of April’s many talents! She is amazing!

However, I do love to bake, but I’m hardly Betty Crocker. In my youth, (I was 25) I made brownies from eggs that had been in the back of the refrigerator for 2 years. – They tasted fine, nobody died!

Plus I love color and ornamentation. My Christmas cookies usually look as if decorated by Ru Paul. All of my holiday goodies were the Lady Gaga of pastries.

Now that I’ve reached the age of heart attacks and strokes, I’m trying to cut down on this sort of thing. This is difficult because I look forward to dessert! I feel deprived if I don’t have it! I take my dessert seriously.

I’ve been reduced to eating cereal biscuits in place of cookies with my after dinner tea. But at least there are MISS MERINGUE’S Cookies. They’re fat free, plus a serving of 4 is only 110 calories. And they don’t taste half bad! Biscotti are also low in calories compared to other cookies.

There is one particular dessert I’ve never forgotten. It first caught my eye due to its interesting history which goes all the way back to the Old West. I am an ardent lover of Westerns. I’ve even written one, THE VALLEY OF SHADOWS AND SHAME (Amazon & Kindle). How can you help but admire the people who settled the American frontier!

Along with the hazardous terrain, pioneers endured hardships and perils, such as extreme heat and cold; thirst, disease, starvation, hostile Indians, tornadeos, wolves, floods, Bigfoot, wildfires, cannibalism, etc.

And in my opinion, the worst of all, (gasp!) a scarcity of dessert! -- Probably a good thing; dental infection was a leading cause of death in the Old West. However, there was an occasional treat called Vinegar Pie! It was made entirely of non-perishable ingredients. Plus it was tasty and low in calories.

I knew I MUST try this dessert! The ingredients were all in our pantry, except for the crust, which I bought frozen. As I mixed, stirred, and baked, I sang the old pioneer tune, SWEET BETSY FROM PIKE "who crossed the wide prairie with her lover Ike, two yoke of oxen, a big yeller dog, a tall Shanghai rooster, and one spotted hog.....” I think that how it goes. -- If you’ve never heard this song, then you weren’t around during the golden age of westerns.

Never had I been a fan of pie (cake rules!) but I loved this one! Unfortunately, I was the only one who did. My brother, whom I’ve always thought to be omnivorous, took 1 bite before putting his plate down for the family Chihuahua. The dog sniffed it and walked away. Later, he came back and ate the crust, which I didn’t make.

Surely, someone else had to love this pie as much as I did!

Later, I found lots of versions of Vinegar Pie online. These had a lot more ingredients than the Pioneer recipe. The calorie count was now high.

I asked April to tinker with the recipe. I wondered if she could make it more appealing taste-wise while keeping the calorie count low. To do this, she needed to add perishable ingredients. The one in our book is 310 calories per serving 1/8 slice, which is higher than the pioneer version. But April’s tastes good enough to serve as a special occasion dessert!

NO, I am NOT printing the recipe here! Geez, if you want it, BUY OUR BOOK!!!

ONLINE CRACK

I am an older woman who came to computers late. I can’t do any slick maneuvers on the contraption like the young folks can. Compared to them I’m computer illiterate. I’m hardly a high-tech person. Yet, the computer has taken over my life!

I log on 4 different times a day “just to check my email” for 10 or 15 minutes. That’s what I tell myself. But of course it’s never JUST that! Always there’s news or interesting articles I feel compelled to read, with links to more things that intrigue me.

Of course I MUST check my timeline on Facebook! Plus I feel guilty if I don’t look at the pages of people who actually take the time to like my postings. Always, I find plenty of videos to check out, either cute animals or entertaining humans. Then I’ll spot something I want to share on my page, which changes the entire flow, so now I’m busy redecorating! Before I know it, several hours have passed! I find myself wondering how it got so late so fast!

I have vowed never again to do this late in the evening before bedtime; otherwise it’s well after midnight when I finally make it to bed. And I’m an early riser! Also this is when the lonely men are on and they want to chat. I am not lonely, neither am I interested in conversation.

Late afternoons, I used to enjoy reading either books or magazines. Now, it seems all the reading I do is on my computer!

I’m ashamed I’ve let this contraption run my life this way! There will be plenty of time for me to enjoy a computer when I’m an invalid in a nursing home. While I still have my health, I should be out enjoying my life; either with friends or alone rather than wasting so much time in front of a screen. This machine is stealing the little time I have left on this planet.

On the other hand, I’m less likely to be spending money behind my computer. Sure, sometimes I’ll spot a trendy jacket or cute pair of sandals I can’t live without, but my online purchases are mostly needs rather than impulsive ones. – The reason I’m avoiding the mall these days!

However, I should go computer cold turkey one day a week just to clean my house. When it comes to anything domestic I’ve never been June Cleaver. I’m closer to loony June with a cleaver! My house is getting so dusty I really need to step it up in this area.

Life has changed drastically in so many ways since my youth.

To keep things in perspective, as a child I’d notice adults playing bridge, bingo, or shuffleboard. I used to look on them with pity and vowed never to be like that when I grew up.

Back in the 1970’s, (I was in my 20’s) I spent an evening in the home of an elderly friend. (She was around my current age!) Friends came over and we played board games. Everyone around me was laughing, whooping, and having a grand ole time. I wished I was watching TV! CHARLIE’S ANGELS was on and I was missing it. Sure it was a re-run, but it had to be better than this. These antiquated games should be re-named BORED games! After all they were created to entertain way before the invention of TV.

In retrospect, all the people mentioned above were fully there in the moment embracing life! They weren’t getting drunk or high, it was good clean fun and they were clearly enjoying themselves.

I’ve known others who love working crossword puzzles or crocheting. Admittedly these activities don’t float my boat!

Speaking of boats, I’ve been ocean fishing and I found it as tedious as watching plants grow. This was back when the waters were so full of fish you couldn’t help but catch some. Still, it failed to excite me.

I’ve never understood how people can get excited over a sports game. Basically, it’s grown men getting overpaid to play a little boys game. Yet many live for this.

And I’ve known plenty of women who live to date. I’ve always found it to be over-rated. I have tons more fun going out with my gal-pals!

Everyone has their own idea of what constitutes a good time. Just because you enjoy something doesn’t mean someone else will.

I watched a video online bemoaning the fact that people are so hooked on their devices that they’re missing out on so many other things. -- Obviously, nothing that interests them or they would be doing those things, instead.

As for me, I’m trying to wean myself away from Facebook and spend time on more productive activities. Easier said than done, I’ve become an addict.

M-DAY AMIDST THE WILD DAFFODILS

Today, I’d like to recall a special Mother’s Day.

If you‘re a regular reader, you know my blog could easily be subtitled: DIE MOMMY BITCHES DIE! However, this posting involves little to do with either of my mothers. That is why this memory is so dear and precious to me.

The year was 1980. Mother’s Day, I found myself in Scotland. The atmosphere was bright and fragrant with spring. An invigorating chill filled the air. The heather would not be in bloom till autumn, but wild daffodils grew abundantly. The rugged beauty of Scotland was spellbinding with scenic lochs abounding, so many I couldn’t remember all their names.

Usually I took my vacations in the fall when tours abroad were cheaper. Plus our business was slower then. It didn’t start to pick-up until the season got underway in November. However, I had just lost my job of nearly a decade. So this time I grabbed the 1^st available date for a tour of England, Scotland, and Wales.

Deciding to retire, Dad had just sold our family business, a florist shop with a wedding chapel. Now I was unemployed and would face an uncertain future upon returning home.

At least I would no longer be enduring Mother’s Day hell! It was a solid week of 8:00 AM to 8:00 PM phones ringing non-stop, hordes of customers wall-to-wall accompanied by hand-wringing and hair-pulling stress. It’s the most hectic and profitable time of the year in the florist business.    

To my surprise, among the group were 2 floral designers. I asked why they weren’t working. -- In our shop, not showing up for this week was a firing offense! They just giggled and shrugged.

However, this Mother’s Day Sunday we were lodged in a rural family-owned establishment in the Scottish countryside. My room was spacious with a gorgeous bucolic view. In one corner were a burner, kettle, teapot, cups, and fixings so I could enjoy tea anytime. A warming touch!

Outside were fields of flowers and gently rolling pasture with grazing sheep. I went for a walk in the fragrant spring air. Wild daffodils flourished along the narrow roadside. Soon, 3 other ladies from our group joined me. We came upon a meadow with horses. Eager for attention, one trotted up to the fence to greet us. We laughed and joked as the path curved steeply up a hill. Down the other side was a tiny Scottish hamlet with several small shops. One was a Bakery.

Naturally, the fancy pastries caught my eye. I purchased several and carried them back to my room. There, I made tea to enjoy with my sweets. As I sat savoring them, I thought about how different this Mother’s Day was from what I had become accustomed.

I recalled the previous year; the mad rush with all of those impatient last-minute customers. Many were nasty! One was a drunken woman who phoned to place an order, but refused to give me any billing info. “It’s none of your business!” she said. When I made it clear her mom would not be receiving any flowers without it, she became verbally abusive.

“Take your business to another florist!” I hollered and hung up. She immediately phoned back and tried to get me fired. My dad told me, he understood and just to forget it. Of course it’s the kind of thing you never forget, which just becomes funnier over time.

Then there was the vile woman who told me what the initials FTD really stood for! She almost spat the words! -- Actually it was the out-of-state florist who dropped the ball, not FTD!

These are just 2 of many examples. But that was all over, now. I was out of the florist business forever. This day was serene and beautiful.

I left a job I’d come to hate. However as compensation, I was able enjoy an awesome vacation every year! Unfortunately, my steady paycheck was now gone. This was to be my final trip abroad. Soon, life would slowly spiral downward into a dark place where I would be for two long decades. A place where I would give up all hope of seeing light.

But this day in Scotland the atmosphere was radiant. Everything seemed to glow. I felt sublime! At home, it would have just been another Sunday. My mother received zero on Mother’s Day, always! It was payback for never acknowledging my birthday as a child, not to mention all the physical battering and mental abuse. Later, I would have a stepmother of similar ilk.

The following day, my group boarded our motorcoach for Glasgow. The Inn’s owners, the entire family stood waving us off, dog at their side. This had been one of my favorite spots of the entire trip.

This memory is a cherished one. It is every bit as vivid as all of those ugly ones that happened before and the awful and miserable things later to come. But with time, the negative memories have lost their power over me. This one remains strong.

THE LOVE BUNDLE

Recently, I read a joke over the Internet that went something like this: A small boy was watching his grandmother dust her bedroom. “G-ma,” he asked, “why don’t you have a boyfriend?”

She smiled fondly. “The TV is my boyfriend. It makes me laugh and happy. It also enthralls me!” She reached to turn on her set, only to find the reception was poor. She raised her fist and gave it a bang, then another harder one. Still, the picture remained fuzzy.

The doorbell rang! “Go see who that is,” she told the lad.

The boy opened the door to discover their minister standing before him. “May I speak with your grandmother?” he asked.

“She’s up in her bedroom banging her boyfriend,” the kid replied.

I can certainly relate to that Grandmother! When my boyfriend fails to perform it’s usually the cable company’s fault! About a quarter of the time, I’ll get the words: NO SIGNAL across my screen. When that happens, I just unplug and wait a few minutes. That always brings it back to life. – Hey, it’s cheaper than Viagra!

Some call it the boob tube. All I know is that my boobs perk-up when my big guy is turned on. And I turn him on almost every night, sleeping together often several times in one evening! I just mute the screen and drift off to dreamland.

Of course I fantasize about all the impressive, well-equipped models I see in magazines; the ones with the fancy features and extra inches to enhance my pleasure. (SIGH!) I dream of one to call my own.

When mine first came into my life, he was so big, colorful, and exciting I worried he would overtake me completely. He sooo rocked my world! With my new bundle I was receiving movie channels for the first time in my life! I was enjoying the rapturous wonder of a honeymoon. But I knew my special deal and sweet price would come to an end, too soon. So I was determined to enjoy it to the fullest!

That was also the year I lost ALL of my friends! – They either died, moved, or went loopy and had to be institutionalized. However, my big guy was a comfort, he helped me to cope.

Fast forward to the present! I’ve made new friends. Many things have changed. For one, I’m unfaithful to my boyfriend. I have an office romance, my little computer screen. This relationship was born of chaos and drama, plus it’s rocky at times, but never boring.

My office lover may be small in inches, but the way he works his equipment excites and fascinates me. He never fails to keep my interest! His versatility and variety leave me breathless!

Lately, my bill for this cable bundle has gone from climbing to leaping. I feel as if I’m supporting a couple of gigolos! I’m thinking it might be time to give satellite a try.

I’ve heard that in the near future TVs and computers will be combined. When that occurs, the police or Fire Dept. may be forced to break down my door with an axe. I’ll probably require a paramedic to scrape my butt from the chair. Or else they’ll discover a cadaver with a big skeletal smile across its face clutching a remote.