BITING THE COSMIC DUST

Recently, I updated my Will. This was long over due. Several dead people needed to be removed. Also I'm co-authoring a book with my friend and illustrator, April Sampson. Had I not done this, it would have created problems for her down the road.

As for burial arrangements, my great friend Rose will be handling this. I chose cremation. It's fast, easy, and cheap! Three words I'm proud to say, never applied to me in life. Also I don't believe in wasting valuable real estate on the dead. With the exploding world population I can foresee a time when cemeteries will be dug up to plant crops. Cremation is the way of the future, or it should be.

There is one stipulation. I must be 100 per cent dead first! In the past, people have been buried alive. Bells were placed over graves tied to the cadaver's wrist below. -- There are no bells inside a cremation oven. And if there were, by the time anyone heard, I wouldn't be a dead ringer, but a charred one, extra crispy.

Around 20 years ago, I saw a news report about a mortician who had sex with a woman's cadaver and she came back to life!!! Comedian Joan Rivers said she should have married him. I say, he should have been castrated!

Rose's spouse is in law enforcement. Perhaps he will be kind enough to take his revolver and fire several shots into my body as a precaution.

Rose thinks it's creepy talking about these things. I don't! None us are getting out of here alive. Our bodies wear out, but we don't! We have all existed in one form or another since the beginning of time. This life is but a nuance of color on an iridescent thread that stretches into eternity. I've had personal contact with ghosts.

I want my ashes to be scattered in an exotic foreign land. -- No beaches! Growing up on Florida's Treasure Coast they are too common place. It has to be somewhere I've never been.

Rose immediately thought of Romania! It's more in character with my personality, she feels. I've read that Romania is dramatically beautiful in every season. Romania it will be! The perfect send off into my after life. -- I may even stick around long enough to learn the language before moving on to explore other dimensions.

I know Rose will pick an extraordinary spot for the scattering. Perhaps over a lake surrounded by forest with a looming mountain high above, topped by a castle.

As my ashes are scattered, I expect Rose and her husband to sing, MY THING IS MY OWN which I've taken as my theme song. -- It's that tune which automatically plays and probably annoys you while you're trying to read my blog.

I insist they use the trip as a second honeymoon as well. It 'll be a win-win for every body. I want them to go to festivals, live shows, see all the sites, etc. I will be there enjoying it too, literally in spirit. Of course I won't be returning with them.

There's a line of cremation jewelry. (Some really cute!) Lockets for ashes the living wear to carry a part of the deceased around. Perhaps Rose will buy one to keep my memory alive.