A NOD TO ALL HALLOWS EVE

For Halloween this year I'm going to share a poem and a limerick of mine. The poem I composed at age 19, the limerick when I was 30. Back then I was still into iambic pentameter. I'll admit they're corny, but corn is a symbol of Halloween right along with the pumpkin!

 

                    THE OPEN GRAVE

  
Twas a cold, gray depressing season

And I so young with nary a reason

 Walked aimlessly into an old cemetery

Where drab undertakers impassively bury

The remains of those who have recently died

Now and forever in their graves they reside

I wanted to leave but somehow I could not

I walked on examining every single cemetery plot

To the last detail I scrutinized them all

Suddenly I felt a chill so I tightened my shall

Still, I had not a clue

As an open grave came into view

When I tugged on my glove

I felt a shove

Six feet down I fell into the once open grave

I clawed the dirt madly but I was a slave

I scream and cry, but no one can hear me

They laugh and chat but secretly fear me

Till the end of time, I can never tell

What god, what demon cast me into this hell

Remember this, be you cowardly or brave

Beware...beware the open grave

 

 
 

                   THE WILD SEED

  
There once was a girl named Joan

Whose father was unknown

A little bit odd

She grew from a pod

Straight from the Twilight Zone

 

Booooooooooooooooooo     HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

OUTRAGE & OUTAGE

I heard a loud explosion outside! This was a sound I knew too well. I always hear it right before a hurricane strikes! My electricity suddenly went out, but there was no hurricane. A transformer had blown a fuse. This was 12:30 PM less than a week ago.  I was just getting ready to fix lunch. Now I dared not open my refrigerator or freezer for obvious reasons.

Rain started pouring down in pitchforks. I grabbed the newspaper & mail and headed upstairs to read. I noticed the 24 hour light one house over was still on. I checked the home on the opposite side and theirs was on too!

The house right next door on my south side is on my same grid, but those people are in New England. So I was the only person in this neighborhood affected by the outage. I thought surely an FPL truck would soon be here.

FPL has a box in the back to alert them of outages, but after several hours of no response I wondered if it was malfunctioning. After all this wasn't the aftermath of a storm with 20,000 or more people ahead of me.

My landlines were all dead and I don't own a cell. (Ninety-nine per cent of the time I don't need one!) Landlines used to function after a power outage but no more. After the rain stopped I grabbed an old paper FPL bill with my account number and headed out in search of a neighbor's phone.

Now I have a certain reputation in this hood. Due to the fact I hate Donald Trump and am not a church attendee I'm considered an anarchist and a hell-bound pagan and probably much worse!

The neighbor kitty-corner from me was in his yard. I hollered out! He heard the explosion and agreed to call FPL. They stated they were aware of it, but still wanted me to report it and asked for the last 4 digits of my S.S. number which I didn't have!

After much frustration, finally they told us my power would be restored by 5:00 PM. (They lied!) I returned to my sweat-box of a house. This may be October but here in Florida it's still as hot, sticky & humid as it was in August. I really could have used an ice cold drink until my A.C. was back.

I had not eaten since 6:30 that morning. I thought about fixing a meal but my only option was room-temperature soup, crackers, & tap water. I decided to wait until my power was restored unaware it would be a long time.

At 5:30 PM I set out again to use a neighbor phone. The man kitty-corner was now inside. I knew he was home because his car was there. I rang the bell several times and knocked. The dog inside was going crazy but no one answered. I figured he must be on the john.

Next door to him is an elderly couple I knew casually. I hated to bother them because they both have health issues. Plus the old geezer is a creep! He told me in private once that he & his wife have an agreement, he's allowed to cheat!  I've kept my distance ever since. But I was at my wit's end.  

They let me call. This time I got someone in INDIA! The guy had an accent and I had difficulty understanding him. Nothing else was working so I decided to play the age card. I told him I was a senior citizen and that if I suffered a stroke or heart attack as a result of this, I was going to sue them!

He claimed I was now a priority and FPL would be right out. (He lied!) I hurried home. Later I found myself sitting on the stairs in darkness still watching for an FPL truck that never came. Homes throughout the neighborhood were lit-up. I broke down and cried. Then I was furious! I ferreted out my 2 hurricane lamps & giant sized flashlight.

I headed out again. I went back to the place kitty-corner which was now lit like a roadhouse. The entire family must be home now. Again, I rang the bell and knocked. The dog inside was going crazy but no one came! Guess I was tantamount to a stray cat that had been fed and now wouldn't go away. Apparently they had been given heads up by the Dad and were ignoring me.

A car across the street from them was pulling in. I headed over and hollered out, "Do you have a cell phone?"

 "No M'am!" the guy quickly shouted back.

In my head, I was screaming LIAR! They own an expensive home and late model cars! Every person in that family probably has a smart phone with all the bells & whistles. Anyway, I moved on.

I returned to the elderly couple and was invited inside. FPL informed me that Customer Service was now closed and to phone back in the AM. Then a recording stated that my power would be restored by 9:00PM. (It lied!)

I walked back home and went to bed. I tried to sleep but the sheets felt sticky and uncomfortable under me in the heat. Every time I heard a truck go by outside I jumped out of bed hoping it was FPL. I was always left disappointed. I decided they weren't coming and eventually fell asleep.

Later I was awakened by their truck. Finally, my electricity was restored at 10:00 PM!

After re-setting all my clocks and getting both TV's up and working, I sat down to dinner at 10:30 PM. Hang the healthy diet, I wanted something quick! I popped a Stouffer's  Five Cheese Lasagna in the microwave while steeping a pot of cinnamon-spice tea. Then I cut a big piece of coconut cake from my garage freezer. After a day like that I deserved it!

I decided to let the dishes soak overnight. But I didn't feel like going back to bed. I watched TV until midnight. 

The following morning I was determined to give FPL hell!!! I hit the button that asked if I was a senior and found myself listening to commercials. I hung up and redialed not falling into that same trap. This time I sat thru menu after menu! When OTHER finally came up, I shouted, "Representative!" only to be told that option wasn't available.

Then I began hollering, "Supervisor, Live Person!" I began to wonder if a plague had struck the other end and everyone was slumped over a chair dead.

Eventually, I got a pleasant woman who seemed sympathetic. She admitted that FPL took its time in responding because I was just one person. -- I AM A PAYING CUSTOMER! THAT SHOULD HAVE MADE NO DIFFERENCE WHATSOEVER!!!

She suggested that I persuade FPL to expand my grid to more than 2 houses and gave me a phone number. Geez, the previous day everything I'd said to FPL had fallen on deaf ears! I'm going to try to enlist my neighbor in this. They will be back soon.

Shortly after, FPL emailed a survey to rate my experience. I gave them consistently low marks and I told them exactly why!

BLEACH BOTTLE YOU'RE GOING DOWN

I LOVE CLOTHES! I don't just wear them, I have fun with them!  Any article of clothing that I cherish, I hand wash. And my white blazer makes me look as if I just stepped off a yacht. However chilly days here in Florida are brief and becoming rarer than ever. The calendar says autumn, but here it's still summer.

When I pulled my white blazer from the closet, it looked dingy, but nothing a little bleach couldn't fix. And I had a fresh bottle along with a new pair of rubber gloves.

Problem was, the bottle had one of those damn child-proof tops! I hate these things! People argue that they are necessary to cut down on injury and death to children. I say there are too many children in the world and we can stand to lose a few! -- Hey, the little snot pickers are dirty and they make too much noise!

Opening anything is a struggle and a project for me! I have small hands and very pretty ones I might add! My mother was 2 inches shorter, but her hands dwarfed mine. I've always said that if God intended me to do manual labor, he would have given me bigger hands. I like to think of myself as impoverished nobility because I've certainly met a lot of white trash with cash during my life and times.

 Anyway, the bottle top was frustrating. Push down and pull, it read, still the cap refused to budge!

I thought of seeking out a neighbor to help, but most are no longer speaking to me. Vero Beach is Republican for life territory and people here believe Donald Trump is God. I'm considered an anarchist because I want him impeached yesterday.

I just live in this neighborhood. I am not part of it. My neighbors have never forgotten or forgiven me for those two Obama signs in my yard. I started with one and someone kicked it down, so I added another just for spite.

The only neighbors who will have anything to do with me are a snowbird couple. And that's now on shaky ground because they are Trumpers, too. But never mind, I was bound and determined to open that bottle, myself!

As I struggled mightily, precious minutes of my life were slipping away. Finally, I took the bottle out to the garage and searched among the tools there. All the pliers were not wide enough to fit around the top. So I grabbed a hammer and started whacking the cap, nothing!

Then I spotted the clippers with the long handles that I use to cut stray branches. That did the job! It squeezed the cap right off. However the cap didn't fit the bottle afterward. So I fashioned one from tin foil. -- Bug off E.T.!  No space aliens can touch my bleach now!

I'm proud to say my blazer is now spiffy clean. It looks fabulous with the colorful scarf & white broad-brimmed hat a friend gave me for my birthday. Now all I need is a cold spell and a yacht!

DESPAIR & REPAIRS

In my search for a repairman, I took six names & phone numbers from the Services Offered section of the local newspaper. Out of these six I managed to get one person who gave me an actual estimate. -- This is not going to be an inexpensive job by any means!

The first who came out didn't want the job because I refused to allow a forklift on my property. --The last one in 2003 cracked my driveway and busted my sprinkler heads! I ended up agreeing not to sue for damages as planned in order to get them back to finish the work. They had up and left for another job. "A more important one" I was told. That job took almost six months! It should have been completed in ONE!

A scaffold would work better here than a forklift, anyway.

One of the six assured me he'd call back to schedule a time to come over, but never did. Another man called back and scheduled a time, but never showed up!

When these guys change their mind I wish they would be considerate enough to phone and give me a good lie. Such as: I've been called out of town OR a family emergency has come up. It's better than inconveniencing me!

The other two never called me back, period!

I've encountered this same problem in the past with handymen for SIMPLE jobs. And I've had several who gave me estimates whom I hired that never bothered to show up or return my phone calls to explain. Thankfully, there was no deposit in those cases!

Many of my single women friends have experienced these same issues!

Silly me! I thought the whole idea of advertising in the newspaper was to drum up business! Are these guys so besieged and overwhelmed with job offers that they can't get around to everyone? Whatever, I'm not chasing after anyone who isn't interested in the work!

I was all set to hire that one man who showed up and gave a professional estimate. It was not out of line pricewise. But then I Googled him! He had an arrest record, Drunken Disorderly Conduct in 2016. I saw his photo in a mug shot.

Thankfully, my financial advisor came up with someone. That man declared my house to be a project! Lots of rotting wood was painted over, some was replaced, but not primed, so the paint is bubbling. -- That must be the handiwork of the church-going carpenter. The one so skilled he could cherry-pick his jobs; or so I was told.

Now it's peak hurricane season and my anxiety level is right thru the roof of my cathedral ceiling! Both this repairman & I agree that any work should start after the season. A major hurricane would undo repairs, or my house might be left in ruins! This is not the tranquil, uneventful season for which we had all hoped.

OH BABY, I DIG IT & GAG ME WITH A SPOON

If you are under age 60, stop reading now & go away. You're not going to be able to relate to anything here. But if you belong to the proper age group listen up, or rather keep reading. I have valuable info for you. I am greatly enjoying my second childhood, most of the time anyway! 

Think back to the 1950's, remember the Gerber baby foods that came in the tiny glass jars? I was a picky eater with the opposite weight problem from most children. I was a bag of bones! Because of this, I was still given these at age 4 to supplement meals.

Also by age 4, I was a habitual coffee drinker. (My parent's didn't think it was a big deal.) In my mind, I was too big and declared myself too old for that namby-pamby baby food. But of course the decision wasn't mine.

Fast forward many decades later, I was 50 years old during my father's final summer. He succumbed to cancer the following October. Dad had almost zero appetite for solid foods. He drank a can of Ensure 3 times a day and I made him fruit smoothies. A neighbor suggested giving him baby food throughout the day. It would provide more nutrients and go down easier.

But Dad was unreceptive to the idea. He was a manly-man who didn't want me giving him any sissy-ass baby food! Damn it! I was flustered; he gave half of every meal to the dog. And the Vet was already upset with me because she was too fat!

Since I'm on the subject, I recall an actress who stated that her dog was only feed baby food.

My family had a dog before I was born which I refer to as "The Dog of Legend." As a boy, my father received it as a puppy. Later Dad married, my brother was born, and my father was drafted into the army during WWII. In 1946 Dad returned from occupied Japan never expecting the dog (now 20 years old) to still be alive. But there it was to greet him and lived for several years after that!

This dog according to my family ate everything they did! Canned canine food didn't even exist then! I firmly believe a dog's (or cat's) diet should never be limited. They enjoy variety just as we do!

Now that I'm 2 years over the 65 mark, maintaining my health is foremost in my life. Doctors & hospitals are expensive and I lack even the basic financial safety net.

My diet has been completely overhauled! The newest twist is baby food! I wanted something that wasn't just empty calories whenever I craved a snack! And it doesn't trigger my acid reflux. Plus these are tasty & better than my old stand-by's of potato chips or cheetos.

Gerber's Autumn Vegetable Turkey is great for dipping; broccoli, celery, carrots, etc. Also you can dip bread, cheese sticks, turkey strips, etc. The Herb Vegetable Pasta Chicken I sometimes use as a sauce over ravioli & tortellini.

I love that these can also be enjoyed at room temperature. This is a blessing during hurricane season when the electricity is out for days or even a week!

Also you get a nifty little reusable plastic container with a lid! (No more glass jars.) These can be used a variety of ways! Fill them with grapes, cherries, olives, nuts/trail mix, M&M's, vitamins, etc; for a work snack, a short trip, or a picnic. Or use them to store pins, paper clips, tacks, buttons, loose change, etc; their uses are endless!

I've heard some nasty news recently about traces of lead in these meals. But I was a kid who ate lead paint chips at my grandmother's house. Hey, it was only for a few days! And it was downright tasty compared to the food there. Hopefully, now that this has come to light something will be done.

I purchase the ones under the "Crawler" label although that doesn't apply to me. No Life Alert bracelet for this senior citizen, if I fall on the floor I can still get up.  Har! Har!

FAIRY TALES & R-RATED TAIL

For awhile the trend seemed to be updating old fairy tales into adult versions on TV & movies. I watched Once Upon A Time for the novelty of it. Supposedly, it was to appeal to both children & adults, but from where I sat it failed on both counts.

The show was too raunchy for children. I am not a mother, but if I was, I'd never let my kids watch anything where fairy tale characters were so heavily into adultery & fornicating. It was often aired at 7:00 PM on Sundays. Gadzooks! This was Disney hour when I was growing up. Guess it's all part of the sleazing down of our society. Take away the adult parts and you were left with childish, even silly plots. This show always left me disappointed and disgusted. Plus the casting was goofy!

I have no problem with adult versions, variations, updates, or distortions of fairy tales, but these should be STRICTLY FOR ADULTS! -- And mature teens, if you can find one.

I'll admit that I don't watch stand-up comedy on cable anymore. Few of these comedians are funny, the majority are dirty, mostly it's smut with little wit, just filthy dumbed down humor.

However recently, I saw a clever and well performed adult's only re-telling of Little Red Riding Hood. This deformed and grotesque version was titled Freeway made in 1996 starring Reese Witherspoon. She was as cute, sexy, and tough as she could be.

Reese played a teenage juvenile delinquent slated to return to foster care after her hooker mother and drug addicted, child-molesting step-father are arrested. The character escapes and heads to her grandmother's place in a rundown trailer park.

Along the way her car breaks down and a too-nice-to-be-true man comes to her rescue. He gives her a ride along with uplifting avuncular conversation. But soon his true colors emerge! He's actually a serial killer with a predilection for teenage girls.

Of course the ending was predictable, but the journey was entertaining no less.

Hmmn, this gives me an idea! How about a full blown adult update of Snow White! In this version, Snow White would be a hooker beaten up by her pimp (an evil step-father) and thrown in a ditch to die. She is saved by 7 midgets who are circus acrobats and skilled in the martial arts. They teach her their ways as she recovers. Once healed, she wreaks bloody havoc and revenge on her step-dad along with a list of johns who mistreated her. Afterward, she shows her gratitude to the 7 midgets as only a professional woman can.

Perhaps this already has been done, but a similar premise might still be fun. The variations, twists, and spins on these old tales are endless.

As I watched Freeway, I chuckled. This felt like a bedtime story to me in my old age. No matter how engrossing the plot, once I throw my head back on my recliner I'm out like the proverbial light in no time. But thanks to the miracle of my DVR I don't have to miss anything! Then I can go right back to sleep zzzzzzzzzz, snore!

RIPPED OFF & ROTTING AS I WAIT

Hellish humidity, rain and rotting wood surround me. I was preparing myself to file in Small Claims Court. But first, I filed a complaint with the Better Business Bureau, also one with Florida Senior Abuse on the advice of others. (Remember that under all this smoking hotness is a senior citizen!) I was hesitant about the latter for two reasons. No one was beating me with a stick. (Although I'm sure there are people who would like to!) Also the man who ripped me off is the same age. -- I learned neither matters, it still qualifies as abuse!

However I ran into problems because I had no address; only his name, business, & phone number. Senior Abuse could find neither a trace of him nor his business anywhere. I went online myself with the same issue. He claims to be licensed & insured, but I'm having doubts about that.

Enter my friend Rose who is super smart. She traced his address thru his phone within 10 minutes. Also she called to find out if he was still in business. He's not working now because his equipment is broken. Rose advised me not to waste my time & money going to small claims court because I probably won't get anything. I'm inclined to agree. I may as well try to prick blood from a brick.

However, my complaints may spare others similar grief! I was ripped off for $5,500! The job was performed spring 2017 and now must be done over completely. I am a single woman on a fixed income. I haven't had good night's sleep over this and I'm tired and stressed every day.

This guy became my regular handyman after the previous and best one ever retired to another state. I'd hired this new one for several jobs and was pleased with his work. I'd even recommended him to others. -- I sure regret that now!

The outside of my home must be maintained! I don't want neighbors complaining that I'm lowering their property values. This is a pretty neighborhood that looks straight out of a 1950's movie set. The maintenance along with taxes & insurance keeps me poor. But I love this house! It still takes my breath away every time I walk thru the door.

Late February 2017 my house needed painting and rotting wood replaced. I asked my handyman to advise me and recommend someone. Apparently he saw dollar signs and volunteered to do the job, one which he turned out to be clearly unqualified. A carpenter friend was going to help, he assured.

The carpenter came and asked me if I was a church-goer. (As if this was any of his business!) I told him, no. He gave me a look of disdain."I don't know if I want this job," he replied. "I haven't decided."

My jaw dropped. Inside I was screaming, "I'm the decider here buster, not you!" The following day I told my handyman I wanted a different carpenter! I thought I'd disqualified myself anyway plus I didn't like his pious and condescending attitude. -- Anytime someone wears God or the flag like a cheap accessory it's usually a cloak of deceit.

"He's already agreed to take the job!" I was told. "This man is so skilled he's able to cherry-pick his jobs. You'll never find anyone better!"

So I relented. That carpenter was here only ONE half day with his sons and I can't see that any work was done! Rotting wood is still plentiful all over my house, rotting wood that was painted over!!!

I wish I could sue his sanctimonious ass! But I can't, because I wrote the checks to my handyman, not him! I'm going to be paying twice! I am pissed as hell! Now I must find someone who will not rip me off!

I've been reading a post that's making the rounds across the pages of Facebook that states strong women are never victims. Oh geez, really? Am I supposed to apologize now for being victimized! If the person who came up with this ignorant post were to stand before me and say that, this victim would punch them in the face!!!