RIDDING MYSELF OF BAGGAGE, LITERALLY

I dodged spiders in the dim light of my crawlspace as I retrieved my old 1970’s American Tourister luggage. Memories came surging back. All of my trips were exciting and filled with wonder, the memories remain vivid. Each adventure ended way too soon.

Upon returning, my miserable life with piles of work and the job I hated always awaited me. But it was that job which financed my trips.  Life at home was hardly a joy, either! 

I existed only for those gloriously wonder filled, exotic trips! After the 70’s ended along with the job, no longer could I afford them.  I wanted to stop living!

Beginning in 1971, I worked in our new family business, a Flower Shop & Wedding Chapel down in West Palm Beach. Dad & I commuted an hour’s drive each way.  We both came to loathe that place and people in general for much the same reasons.

More than a few times we caught trusted employees in the act of outright stealing or trying to undermine us. I could state many examples!  My father used to say, “This should be a good lesson in human nature for you, Dianne.”  Despite this, I do have some positive memories.

One of our designers had a son-in-law who worked for the airlines. Thanks to him, I received a big discount on a lady American Tourister & matching tote.  Soon I became a veteran of the escorted tour.

During my trips abroad, I noticed that most of the other single women carried men’s suitcases. “They’re better, not just bigger,” I was told.     

Now I wanted one, too!  Trouble was, my father had FIRED (for valid reasons) the designer whose son-in-law worked at the airport.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, I figured.  So I phoned the designer’s daughter and asked if her husband could get me another piece of luggage.  She wouldn’t make any promises.

My father was furious. “You’ve got a lot of nerve!” he hollered.

Well I also got a brand new American Tourister!!!  Everything I’d heard about the man’s suitcase was true!  It had more compartments, plus it was layered, clothes stayed more wrinkle-free. It was far better suited to a woman’s needs than a man’s, we just have more stuff!

During this period, I also received lots of free canvas totes from Travel Agencies & Tour Companies. I collected so many that I was giving them away. Everyone I knew at the time owned at least one!

Towards the end of the 1970’s, luggage with wheels began to appear.  However, it was still so rare people would actually point.

Now here I was in 2015 dusting off my old obsolete suitcases. When I opened them, the insides were brown with climate stains. The only piece still in usable condition was the carry-on tote.

Thanks to my great friend Rose, (also my Ecuador travel companion) I was spared the expense of purchasing new.  Rose gave me her previous luggage and it has wheels!  I’ll be taking the larger bag along with that old American Tourister tote. Nothing will match, but so what!

As for my old suitcases, I actually wondered if I’d have to pay the garbage collectors extra to pick them up, or would I have to drive to the landfill. Suddenly I wanted to slap myself! This wasn’t even a problem.  All I had to do was carry them out to the road before I went to bed.

That’s exactly what I did.  As if by magic, the following morning they had vanished!

SAWATDEE TO YOU, TOO

Since I’m planning to relocate, there’s a new language in my future. The issue is, I don’t know which one, yet. So I’m trying to learn a few phrases of each before I visit.

Already, I know a useful one in Thai, “Rawang rot!” which means “Beware car!” – I believe I’ve mentioned Third World drivers in my previous blog postings.

Thai is the more difficult language because it’s tonal. Unknowingly you could offend some nice Thai people using incorrect ones. For example, one could walk into a restaurant and say: “I’ll have the jumbo fish platter with rice balls” and it could come out: “Your fat grandmother stinks, how much to ball her.”

Perhaps I’d do better wowing them with my charades!

 I really need to memorize, “Mai khao jai” which means “I don’t understand.” Also “Ga roo naa phuut chaa naawy” meaning “Please speak slowly”

While in Bangkok, a useful phrase to remember is, “Khoon bpen phuu chaa naawy” which means “Are you a man or a woman?” -- That thought has come up a few times here in Vero Beach, too!

Anyway, I’ve got until 2016 to work on Thai. However, my Ecuador trip is coming up fast.

Besides the Spanish/English dictionary I purchased at a Dollar Store, I found 2 books on Spanish at a Thrift Shop; Berlitz Basic Spanish & Madrigal’s Magic Key To Spanish with original illustrations by Andy Warhol. The latter sounded more fun so I’m reading that one first. Still, it’s a whole lot to remember!

Many Spanish words are so similar to English that you might understand a small part of what is said if spoken slowly, but Hispanics don’t speak slowly. Their speech is rapid fire! I will be constantly asking, “Puede repetir,” or “Could you repeat.”

One Spanish phrase I’ve long known is the same everyone seems to know, “Que hora es?”, or “What time is it?” Why most North Americans know this one is a mystery to me. Perhaps it’s because we’re always rushed.

Second Grade Elementary school is when I first heard it. A Spanish instructor who was a friend of our teacher came to speak and teach us tykes a few phrases of the language. That phrase and only that one  stuck in my mind, maybe it’s just an easy one to remember.

However, when visiting a Spanish speaking country, one crucial phrase everyone SHOULD know is, “Donde esta el bano?” meaning, “Where’s the bathroom?” -- I believe I read someplace that there are no public restrooms in Ecuador. Yikes, I’d better pack a box of Depends!

Another important one is, “Peligro automovil!” which means, “Danger car!” Did I mention that I plan to give up driving after I move to the Third World. 

I think it’s arrogant to live in a foreign country and not bother to learn the language. I just hope I’m not dead before I become fluent.

INDOCHINA VS. SOUTH AMERICA

I don’t know yet if I’m going to end up as an old Gringita or a $#^&@! Farang, or something else altogether, all I know is that I can’t stay where I am.

Panama sounded heavenly, but unfortunately I don’t qualify. I make the required monthly amount. Unfortunately, the income must be a pension, either corporate or government. Mine is derived mostly from annuities. This also disqualifies me from Costa Rica! I don’t understand why these countries are nervous about annuities, but it makes me wonder if I should be, too.

In Belize, on the other hand, one can just about live as a permanent tourist. Plus their currency is the U.S. Dollar! However, healthcare is expensive for retirees, especially if you want frills like Novocain with your dental work.

Traveling to faraway exotic places is a delight, but I also want roots! If money was no object, I’d take two big vacations every year; one in autumn and one in spring. However, I’d also want a comfortable home to enjoy in-between!

Others gush that Ecuador & Thailand are beautiful places. Well so is Vero Beach!!! Every place I’ve ever lived on the Treasure Coast was a beautiful scenic town.

Constantly, I hear exclamations of, “How exciting!” when I verbalize my plans. – It’s only exciting when you’re on the outside looking in! To me, it’s stressful, nerve-wracking, and more than a little scary. Geez, did I neglect to mention that these are Third World countries!!!

Many things that I enjoy and take for granted will be gone. Hopefully, I’ll find new things to enjoy along with new friends.

But I wonder if I’ll be resented by the indigenous people. After all, I’m a foreigner among many others who are changing the character and landscape of their country.

This is especially true in Thailand, called “The Land of Smiles”. Those who speak the language say Thais swear more than any other people. -- I don’t know if I want passive-aggressive types preparing my food! We have way too many of those right here! Also if you anger a Thai, prepare to hear, “Shut up this is not your country!” They say that a lot, I am told.

Speaking of food, I’ve heard that Thailand’s cuisine is now fusion due to all the cultures that have immigrated there. This is my favorite! But sadly, you could end up eating puppy stew or kitten croquettes without even knowing it, also many recipes consist of ant or duck eggs.

Ecuador is a bad place for vegetarians, even semi-ones like me. (I eat fish & fowl.) Up in the Andes where I would live, meals are mostly beef & pork. (And I doubt I’ll be able to find soy burgers & veggie hot dogs in the stores!) Guinea pigs are considered to be a delicacy, there. Beetle larvae and bull penis soup are found on menus, too.

In both countries you’re liable to end up with chicken feet or hog snouts on your plate! However, Ecuador is famous for its potatoes. I could live on those along with eggs. Also fresh produce is cheap in both places.

I wonder will I ever taste maple fudge again? What about flavored teas & coffees, I’ll really miss these! And TV dinners will be a thing of the past!

Thailand or Ecuador will mean constant haggling with vendors. I’ve done this before in Mexico, Guatemala and even North Africa. I know I can do it! I just don’t like to, it’s annoying and bother!

I’ve heard there are only 10 English-speaking cable channels in both countries and they are mostly old re-runs. I’ve become spoiled, I love my 300 channels! I wonder if there’s a way I can stream current episodes of Vikings, The Walking Dead, or Salem. Also will I have to become fluent in the language before I can go to a theater and see a movie?

I’m leaning toward Ecuador. Its closer and like Belize the currency is the U.S. Dollar. Plus the weather up in the Andes is spring-like year round. Weather is an important factor!

Thailand is going to be HOT, even Chiang Rai the northern most province. Usually it has a brief, but comfortable winter. The rest of the time it’s sweltering! – This could be the big deal breaker! But I don’t want to reject Thailand without first seeing it. Despite everything, I might fall in love with Thailand, or I may hate the damn place! -- Ditto for Ecuador.

Plus there’s other factors I need to take into consideration. I’m still managing my elderly brother’s Trust. Otherwise I would automatically choose Thailand, at least for a few years, just for the experience. Despite the fact he is 11 years older, my brother could outlive me! He’s sheltered and well cared for in a nursing home. I’m the one who’s out in the world putting myself in harm’s way.

Then there’s driving! I’m getting older, myself. I have always dealt with anxiety behind the wheel. I’ll be relying on Third World taxis and buses. These are often wild rides fraught with discomfort as well as danger. I subscribe to a Thai Expat newsletter and some of what I read is disturbing! Taxi drivers have dumped passengers, leaving them stranded in perilous places. Also a retiree complained to a bus driver that his careless driving was going to get them all killed. The driver’s response, “So why aren’t you dead, yet!”

I’ve been warned about public transportation in Ecuador, too! Not only are buses rife with pickpockets, it’s not unusual for a bus made for 40 riders to be packed with 80 people, and sometimes items like refrigerators and livestock are brought on board. These buses have a poor safety record with a bad habit of sliding down mountains! Imagine being at the bottom of a canyon crushed beneath a refrigerator, or a goat’s horn thru your eye!

I am crossing my fingers that most of what I’ve heard is an exaggeration! I’m trying to learn as much as possible before I embark on my exploratory trips.

When I relocate, there will be no friend or tour operator by my side to offer assistance.

Am I happy with the idea of selling my home and moving to another country, NO, I am not! But I can’t afford to grow old in the U.S.! I am just grateful this option exists.

CUTTING FEELS RIGHT

Henceforth, there will only be ONE or TWO blog postings per month rather than four.

I’m planning significant life changes; my focus needs to be there. Yet to be done are many tasks, planning, & much more research. Not to mention, I’ve got two major exploratory trips ahead and I’d prefer not broadcasting to burglars when I’m away.

Hey, it’s not as if I’m disappointing legions of fans! I’ve got only a handful of followers, and I don’t know how many of those are still reading. I know my friend Rose does, we email nearly every day.

She claims I probably have a lot more readers, but they just aren’t followers. Rose is sweet. But this is wishful thinking. If none of those people enjoy my blog enough to become followers, they are phantoms to me. I make decisions on what I see.

A few have told me they would like to become followers, but are confused by the process involved. These are all women around my age who are not computer savvy. I can understand and sympathize. We are all dinosaurs sloshing around in the same tar pit. But these are friends I see and talk to, at least on a semi-regular basis.

On occasion, I post my blog on Facebook. Before I unleashed the unfriending fairy, I had over 200 “Friends”. Out of these 200 plus people, if only 1 or 2 LIKED my blog, I was lucky!!! Or perhaps more read it and they just didn’t like my writing.

I received way more LIKES for the photos of my newly gray hair! But then, people prefer pictures.

I recall clicking on a “Friend” page where someone posted a photo of their lunch, a stupid salad that didn’t even look that tasty, yet it got 15 LIKES!

I realize my blog isn’t everyone’s flavor of coffee, I get that! Others have always had difficulty relating to me and I find them equally unrelatable. – Thank goodness I say! 

I write this mainly for myself. It’s equal parts memoir & therapy with a scoop of book promotion thrown in. So, therefore I am doing what feels best for me!

Later, when things become settled, my posts will likely be more frequent, again. Also in the not too distant future I plan on starting a new blog, ending this one.

After I return from my exploratory trips, I’ll do plenty of blogging about each. So take heart my compadres, followers, faux Facebook friends, & phantom readers too, as with everything in life, this is only temporary.

WHAT'S NEW, MY GRAY DEBUT

AND TECHNICAL HEADACHES, TOO!!!

My online photos have now been updated. The old ones were shot only a few years ago!

Unfortunately, my old standby the Sear’s Portrait Studio is gone, forever. So I hired a photographer in town. He was an elderly gentleman, and he did a fine job. However, these were outrageously expensive for my pocketbook! But I’m almost 65; I know I won’t be this young and pretty forever, so I spent the money! My looks have been on borrowed time for years now!

Note: This Blog photo will remain the same. It has mostly concerned my life here in Vero Beach after my father’s death. These were my red-haired years.

After I decide which country I’m going to expatriate and I have my Retirement Visa, I intend to start a brand new Blog with a new title. This won’t be a new chapter of my life, but an entire new book, it’s a sequel to my movie. I think of it that way!

My young Tech man Jake was here to help me, recently. Not only with placing the photos, but numerous other things as well. Expatriating is forcing me to rely more on technology than ever before! As you know, this is way out of my element.

For my exploratory trips, I bought a pre-paid cell phone with a camera and Internet access. I don’t want to return home to find 50,000 emails in my Inbox.

The salesman said the instructions were easy. When I read them, I wanted to break down and cry! They may as well have been written in Arabic! -- Well Jake had problems with it, too! He couldn’t get it up & working the way it’s supposed. And Jake is NO dummy, plus this is his area of expertise.

Jake is returning to give me another computer lesson, plus tackle this damn phone. I may end up taking it back! I should have brought Jake along when I was phone shopping. He would have known exactly what to purchase and saved me from making an expensive mistake!

When the package was opened, I couldn’t believe that piddly, little thing was my new telephone! Plus I would need Lilliputian-sized fingers to operate it. My hands are small for an adult, yet this is going to be difficult. Plus I’ll have to run outside with my Elf phone every time I want to make or receive a call because there is zero cell reception inside my house. This is crazy, it’s not progress! My land-line is a REAL phone!

I HATE ALL THIS MODERN TECHNOLOGY!!! 

Always, I take lots of notes when Jake is here. After he leaves and I try to implement them, it seems I’m either missing a step or not doing something right. Ugh!!! Every little maneuver requires way too many steps.

Jake is the best Tech person I’ve found, and he is patient. After I find myself in another county, I don’t know what I’m going to do without him! Plus I’ll be dealing with a foreign language! I’m looking ahead to feeling lost and frustrated.

On the other hand, I will be amongst a vast gray migration of U.S. retirees, my age and older, none of whom grew up with computers. They’ll have already dealt with the same issues I’m going to face. But I’m wondering how helpful they will be. I am willing to pay a fair price for help, but finding it may be a problem.

NETWORKING UP A STORM

OK, storm is a bit of an exaggeration. Dust cloud is more like it. Networking with the public is something that doesn’t come easy or natural to me. However, after I published my 1^st book this became a necessity.

There’s a number of business networking events here in Vero Beach, all are worth attending! But that can be expensive and time consuming, so I chose 2 that I attended regularly. However, all of these involved public speaking. I was terror stricken! In terms of my phobias, this was right up there with driving!!!

Then I reminded myself that I had not only conquered this fear, but I did it without psychiatric medication and I could do likewise with this. Plus these speeches were brief! We were only allowed 30 seconds each. Still I panicked at the thought!

Usually at these events are 2 sometimes 3 women who are professional speakers. These ladies all possess enough talent, personality, & charisma to host their own TV talk shows! (It would be self-defeating to compare myself to them.) The best one, in my opinion was a lady named Flo. Attractive and always sharply dressed, she was an amazingly gifted speaker. Plus she always brought the coolest props! After my first networking event, SHE was the only person I actually remembered.

But the majority of attendees were NOT professional speakers, just regular people, like me, there to pitch a product. (I needed to keep reminding myself of that!) Most just stood, introduced themselves & their product/business, and then sat down.

Largely, this was amateur hour! It was OK to be scared, fall on my face, be awkward, or even mess up. This was all part of the learning process.

To learn tips, I attended several Toastmasters sessions as an observer. I felt so sorry for the speakers! Each one had a timer, along with 3 people taking notes; 1: for flaws in grammar, 1: for crutch words, and 1: for annoying mannerisms. – I wasn’t worried about ANY of those things! I was scared I was going to wet my pants in public! If I could just get up there and talk without embarrassing myself, I’d consider my speech a success!

Plus it was just a measly 30 seconds! And believe me; no one’s attention span is shorter than mine. I often watch entire movies on fast-forward. “Think TV commercials,” I told myself. It’s possible to hit all your salient points in that brief amount of time, just remember to be entertaining. I’m a writer, I could do this! Still, getting up in front of a crowd made me hyperventilate and my technique needed much work.

I started to meditate; I practiced breathing and used autohypnosis.

Also I studied 3 gifted speakers from the past.

The 1^st was Marlin Perkins, host of the old TV show WILD KINGDOM and pitchman for Mutual of Omaha Insurance. During breaks in the show, he’d say things such as: “That gazelle on the Serengeti Plain sure didn’t see the cheetah coming. Now don’t YOU be like that gazelle, be prepared with Insurance!” or “Among the African lowland gorillas, note how the father protected the family. Now YOU too, can be just like the African lowland gorilla!” I used to tell my dad that I found this sort of thing sneaky. He laughed and said, “These are called lead-ins. Advertisers use them all the time.”

The 2^nd speaker was Paul Harvey! You couldn’t beat Paul Harvey when it came to enthusiasm! Every product he pitched was top-of-the-line best ever! Paul was convincing and he always seemed so sincere! – More than a few of these products cluttered our house collecting dust.

The 3^rd speaker was Adolf Hitler. Now you’ve got to give the devil his due! Hitler was the greatest orator of the 20^th century. His words seduced a nation. Hitler had something beyond enthusiasm, he had passion, and when he spoke, he utilized his entire body.

Now back to Flo, my Muse has moved on and she is missed. No one could ever be as good because she possessed her own special inner spark. But I’ve learned from her, as well as the other 3 speakers. Now it was up to me to find my own unique spark.

I wished for props! Then one day I walked into my closet and I discovered that I had lots of them at my disposal! Before me were all my hats & wigs, plus ANYTHING can be turned into a prop! I could pick-up a dead cockroach with toothpick and use that in a speech. That part was easy!

But speaking was not! So I wrote down everything beforehand, edited, and memorized it. Unfortunately, my tendency was to freeze and forget everything as soon as that ocean of eyes fell upon me. To help overcome this, I imagined everyone in the crowd sitting on toilets.

Attired in my various outfits, I created theme speeches and tried to make my pitches entertaining. Sometimes I sang or did a little dance, I do both badly, but I didn’t let it stop me! Once, I stood up and did a brief comedy routine.

Several people told me they always look forward to my speeches because they never know what’s coming out of my mouth or what I’m going to do next. Others have accused me of just trying to get attention. WELL DUH, I thought THAT was the whole point!

My commercials apparently are not appreciated by everyone! Several years back, this one particular woman, (Her hair was shorter than mine is now, an actual crew cut!) I call her Man-Hair, stood up and announced a business event: “We’re interested in accomplished career women, only!” she declared. “We don’t want people who do commercials,” she said with condescension. Clearly, Man-Boobs was referring to me, I was unwelcome!

My feelings were hurt. But then I had to ask myself, if given the choice, would I want to be her? The answer is a resounding NO!!! I’d choose ME hands down! I enjoy being me! Plus her lucrative career which she seems to think everyone should envy is my idea of Hell on earth. Fortunately, she isn’t a regular attendee.

Recently, I’ve been cutting way back on these events as well as many other things I enjoy, because I’m saving up for 2 big trips. Also I’m slowly closing down my life here in Vero Beach. It’s breaking my heart to do it, I’ve been so happy here, but I knew it would be inevitable at some point.

My nervousness has never completely gone away and shaky moments remain. Sometimes I still freeze, forget things and mess up! But then my goal never was to be a professional speaker. So I don’t beat myself up about it. Besides, I’ll never stop being a work in progress.

I admire other people with more talent, some are authors right here in Vero Beach. But make no mistake about it; I will always be the Super Star of my own life.

WIGGY WOMAN ON THE LOOSE

A few TV seasons back, there was a sitcom titled: DON’T TRUST THE B (itch) IN APT. 23. In one episode, the B. warns her naive roommate never to trust women who wear wigs! They are sneaky & tricky, she claims. – I prefer to think of it as creative & resourceful!

Who wants to look the same every single day! That becomes tedious fast!

Whenever I slip into a wig, I change my make-up & clothing style to match the wig’s color & cut. It’s always a fun change without a permanent commitment. Sometimes I even wear a hat with a wig. When I get together with friends, sometimes they don’t recognize the stranger who shows up. You might say I’m a bit of a shape-shifter.

This past winter, I lived entirely in wigs, because I was letting my gray hair grow out. The first social gathering I attended, to debut my new gray, many had forgotten what my “natural” color actually had been. As one woman told me, “You have different hair every time I see you!”

I’m glad that I have the option of wigs.

However, not all wigs are created equal! I’ve paid more than I should for some that looked like a cheap, synthetic wig. Then others, that I bought on sale for $20 looked exactly like my own hair only better! A good wig requires no fussing. You just slip it on and you’re ready to go. I hate the ones that warrant lots of styling & spray!

Often, you must road test a wig to learn its quality; wear it in public, but only to places you’re unlikely to run into someone you know. Some wigs just don’t hold their shape and can end up looking a fright without layers of hairspray.

I’ve noticed that when I’m stuck in a bad wig; men & women regard me differently. Women look at me with pity as if thinking, “Poor thing, she’s probably battling cancer and that’s the best wig she can afford.” Men on the other hand, eye me with suspicion, as if I’ve got a Molotov cocktail in my tote and a lit match behind my back.

Nowadays, I only wash my good wigs in special shampoo. Back at our previous place, I used to wash them all in Woolite, and then hang them on the clothes-line behind our house. My father used to joke that people going by in boats probably thought I was one of those sickos who liked to kill and skin small animals.

Summer came early this year; I was forced to turn on my air conditioner back in March. Usually, I can hold out until June, or at least the end of May. When the A.C. goes on, it’s too hot for wigs!

Ready or not, my hair was cut! It’s now gray and the shortest it has ever been.

Time is quickly passing. The first of my 2 big trips will be upon me before too long. This way, I can get more accustomed to my new look and practice working with it, beforehand.

Many women, especially older ones, complain of being invisible. Personally, I think it’s their own fault. They allow themselves to become that way! Sometimes, being invisible is welcome and feels nice. You’re free to explore and see without being noticed. It can be liberating!

I feel that being a transformer is even more emancipating! I know I can always morph back into being me.