NO EX-HIPPIE, HERE

Many who glance over my Facebook page mistakenly believe I'm some sort of former Hippie. I do support affordable (not free) health care for all, gay rights, abortion, environmental protection and other so-called liberal causes. However, I am only liberal by Vero Beach standards. Here, if you don't blindly follow the Tea Party you're labeled one!

Back in the day, I was the antithesis of a Hippie. I had murder in my heart for too many people to ever be the peace and love type! I still live to watch horror flicks. Long before Goth teens existed, I was one.

The Hippie movement was at its peak as I started Junior College. I couldn't relate to them or the other kids. I hate rock music! Jeans & T-shirts just look sloppy to me. I love dramatic attire! I wore dark lipstick and nail polish when others were going natural. The supernatural look rules my life! I had no desire to resemble my peers, nor did I want to acquire their sleazy habits.

They say if you remember the 60's you weren't really there. Well I remember them in painful detail. -- I WAS MORE THERE THAN ANY DRUGGIE! Besides, if they think it was that wonderful, why don't they want to remember it!

As a life long non-drinker, you had better believe I take a dim view of that! I'm against anything that impairs judgement. If you indulge, stay away from me on the highway! In fact, stay the hell away from me period!

In their heyday, my parents drank to fit in with their social circle. I remember a drunken acquaintance throwing himself at my mother in front of his wife. I was filled with disgust! I knew I was never going to fly with that crowd, either.

From an early age, I realized I was destined to be a misfit and a freak my entire life. But that's OK with me. I am always good to myself because others are not.

Around age 22, an older friend talked me into trying a grasshopper at an upscale restaurant. It made me so nauseous, I couldn't eat an expensive dinner I otherwise would have enjoyed.

"That drink will taste better next time," she assured me. I told her there wasn't going to be a next time!

As far as I'm concerned, alcohol has no other use than flavoring foods or treating snake bites. My good times are savored, my treasured memories are vivid. Plus I never awaken with a hangover.

If you enjoy your life, why are alcohol or drugs necessary? And if you require them to be happy or get thru life, well that's just pathetic. I think it all boils down to a herd mentality. I call it the monkey see, monkey do syndrome.

Everyone today seems so afraid of being perceived as judgmental. -- Whenever you fail to act negatively to unacceptable behavior, you are condoning it!

Once upon a time, my life sucked on an epic scale. I thought of suicide every day, multiple times. However, I never used alcohol or drugs as an escape. I'm damn proud of that! It only makes problems more severe. My brother is a prime example. After he turned to alcohol, it only exacerbated his mental issues. As a result, his freedom is gone.

Despite the vast age difference between us, we are not dissimilar in many ways. Everything could have been different.

THE HERE, AND HOW! :-))

For all of those reading this who are not old fogies, "AND HOW!" was an expression of extreme delight when I was growing up. In a recent blog, I stated that my bliss is defined not by what I lack, but what I have.

Well someone commented, "Careful of laying bliss at the doorstep of what you have, as what you have quickly turns into what you had."

Oh good grief!   Everything in life is temporary, anyway!

When I was a child, my father bragged there weren't 5 other men in town who pulled in his salary. Everything we owned was high-end. The year I turned 14 it was over. My Dad's boss was keeping 2 sets of books. My father was blindsided! Everything collapsed, our lifestyle was gone, never to return!

I've had the floor pulled out from under me more than once.

The man who made that comment could have a stroke tomorrow, or next year. He may end up dependent on someone else to feed him and wipe his behind for the rest of his life! Who knows what's around the corner.

If you are happily married and love your spouse, I've got news for you. At some point, one of you is going to die!  It's not a matter of if, but when.

The point is to savor your bliss while you have it!!!

Due to the high cost of gasoline, groceries, & everything else, I'm back to being a shut-in again. I'm currently co-authoring a book, while researching another. Unless I'm meeting friends for lunch or attending a business networking event, I rarely go anyplace.

However, I do enjoy my home, or as I call it, my woman's lair. To me, it is filled with joy in abundance! My life may seem dull to others, but to me it feels like Heaven.

Years ago, my group therapist told of a man who escaped a war-torn, third world country and got a job here sweeping floors. He said every day felt like paradise compared to the conditions under which he used to exist. I can understand.

I'd be lying if I said the future doesn't scare me. Inflation is only going to get worse. I can't afford health insurance, now. And thanks to the Republican Party and their Tea Potty scumbags, I'll probably never have it. I'm one serious illness or injury from living on the street!

So I won't be calling 911 should I feel a heart attack or stroke coming on. Better to be a cobweb-covered cadaver in a recliner, my choice.

Several Christmas's ago, as I was strolling thru the Mall, my spirit was soaring. Despite the holiday season, it was uncrowded. I treated myself to a movie and a meal at TGIF. I wandered about listening to holiday music, enjoying the festive atmosphere. Everything seemed so perfect, I just wanted to die at that moment! I wanted THAT to be my last earthly memory, before anything could ruin it....Of course I didn't die.

No one is ever ready to be elderly, especially when you factor in deteriorating health. They say it's better than the alternative, but how can you be sure? The afterlife is supposed to be wonderful! Most of the people who died and returned swear by it.

Since my parents drop in from time-to-time, I know they're not in Hell. Nor do I feel I am going there.

At this writing, I'm 62 years old. My mother died at 72. I don't know how much time I have left. But I'm aware it's growing short. 

I used to finish books that I just couldn't seem to get into, or movies that were boring, in the hope they'd grab me at some point. Now if I can't get into a book after a few chapters, or a movie after the first 20 minutes, I toss or delete and move onto something else. Nor do I squander time with people whose company I seldom enjoy. Time has become too precious to waste on such things.

MY CHAIR ON THE DREAMLAND EXPRESS

Not long ago, I saw a poster on Facebook that read: SHE RAN AWAY IN SLEEP AND DREAMED OF PARADISE.

I often teased my father about falling asleep during the evening. "You should go straight to bed after dark," I told him. "Because you sleep thru most of our TV shows." (I couldn't imagine myself ever doing this!) He replied that he slept better in his recliner than in bed. It was all a matter of age, one day I would understand.

Well they don't call it the change-of-life for nothing! Now it's a challenge for me to stay awake in the evenings. Also Dad was right about the recliner, it is much better for sleeping than a bed, certainly far more comfortable. Plus I don't have all those crazy, disturbing dreams in my chair. My sleep is far more serene.

In my 30's, I took a couple of courses in hypnosis. As a result, I experienced dreams in full color and 3D. They felt like actual experiences until I woke up. I can still do that today by using the same technique. However now that I'm old, I'm less interested in adventure and more into peaceful sleep.

I've never been the type that likes going out at night, unless it's something really special. I prefer daytime events.

Gertrude, my former neighbor, went directly to bed after the evening news. Around midnight, she'd get up to watch old movies on TCM until 4:00 AM. Then she would return to bed and sleep until 7:00 AM.

Unless I have a migraine, I'd never go to bed while it's still light outside. I prefer my TV viewing, as well as napping in darkness. However, this time of year it stays light way too long! I keep a baseball cap next to my chair. When I slip it down over my face it's like an off-switch as well as a shade.

I absolutely love my DVR! I record everything rather than watch by appointment as in the old days. When I feel a nap coming on, I just exit to a classical music station, turn the volume low, or mute. Often, it's just a 10 or 15 minute catnap, but sometimes I sleep for an hour or more. Once, around 8:00 PM, I closed my eyes and didn't awaken until 11:30 PM. -- An hour past my bedtime! I went upstairs to bed and slept soundly until morning.

I can foresee a time when I won't bother going upstairs to bed at all!

To be honest, I don't like this direction my life has taken. Because, I'm aware I don't have all that much time left on this planet. I want to be fully here, awake and alert, even if I'm just watching an old movie on TV. I used to enjoy reading in the evening. But I can't do that anymore. I become too sleepy too fast.

Of course the thought has occurred, that one future day, I'm going to get up and look back at my lifeless cadaver in that chair. -- Many older people vow never to die slumped over in a recliner! Personally, I think that's the ideal way to go. If I'm lucky, I'll die in the recliner. Believe me, there are plenty of worse options.

Most likely, the mailman will eventually discover my body, rather than a neighbor. But it won't be my problem. I don't intend to haunt my house. Unless my dead relatives cause me more grief, I plan to be worlds away on the far side of Heaven.

GONE TO WEED & SEED

Recently, the FPL trimming crew descended on my property like a horde of Barbarians ravaging and ruining the back of my yard. They did far more than just trim. Foliage I needed for privacy was cut away. Now I can view the neighborhood behind me and they can see me.

I filed a complaint, but was assured everything would grow back. Yeah, but I may be dead first! Plus I just spent a lot of money on landscaping. Probably I'll just throw seeds back there along with a bag of fertilizer.

They left untouched a high branch that nearly reaches a power line! I didn't even notice until recently. My yard man pointed it out. He is going to remove it when he trims the rest of my trees.

I don't want to have a lawn the neighborhood gossips about. I need more than just mow & go. Over the years I've hired many different crews. Usually, they do a wonderful job for the first 6 months. After that, I don't know what happens, they slack off dramatically! Plus they want extra for weeding. -- If you can even find one willing to do it!

One lawn guy haughtily told me, "First and foremost, I don't pull weeds for anybody." -- To my mind, that's like hiring a Dentist who refuses to fill cavities. I told him I felt he was the wrong person for me. "I feel likewise about you." He sniffed.

My current yard man is the best. My lawn is still full of weeds, but at least they are kept neatly cut.

"I tend my own lawn," my friend Margaret once told me. "After my divorce, I couldn't afford anyone else. Actually it's much easier than housework! Men have the better deal."

However, I happen to be extremely fair-complexioned with a modicum of tolerance for sunshine or heat. Plus it's just not my area of expertise. I'm more into flower arranging.

When I moved here, there were a lot more trees. After all the hurricanes, not so many. Several tall pine trees that I loved had to be chopped. Neighbors said they were dead and a threat to my home in a storm.

I would have preferred to do something more creative. Perhaps leave them 4 or 5 feet and find a chainsaw artist to shape them into gnomes. But it wasn't a service I could find in the yellow pages or the local newspaper.

Also I am limited by my wallet. If not, there's a really big fantasy I would fulfill. Looking thru a TOSCANO catalog, I found the garden statue of my dreams, a Jurassic-size Velociraptor with realistic color and texture! Wow!!! I have the perfect spot for it, too. I'd place it in the front yard, right under my giant oak tree.

Unfortunately, it cost $2,250. and the freight alone is almost $50.! The price is too prohibitive for a single woman on a fixed income. Plus it would create problems.

For one thing it would be a magnet for neighborhood children. Likely, they would injure themselves climbing all over it. Naturally, the parents would sue me! -- A NO TRESPASSING sign would mean nothing!

It goes back to what Margaret was telling me when I was learning to drive. "Whatever you do," she warned, "don't hit children! Even if you're not to blame, they'll make it your fault!" 

I told her, "I PREFER to hit children. As far as I'm concerned, there's too many around and I'd like to snuff a few out. -- They're dirty and they make way too much noise!"

Not to forget, I live in Hurricane Alley! And I hear we're in for another active year. I'd have to pay someone to help lug the thing in and out of my garage every time a storm threatens. Ugh! So it's probably for the best I don't have it.

Better to go to BIG LOTS and buy a little fairy statuette for my weedy yard.

HIDDEN LETTERS EXPOSED

My mother was one of 4 sisters. Aunt "Kiki" was the youngest, also the beauty and the rebel. -- Kiki is actually a baby name I gave to a certain female body part (I won't say which one) as a small child. This particular aunt had quite a reputation. She was stunning in her blonde beehive hairdo.

I saw her for the last time when I was 12. However, we remained close thru letters and phone calls. Kiki spilled many family secrets my parents would rather I never learned.

She corresponded with my mother & me separately, though we lived in the same house. I was instructed to "tear up" after reading in case it was fished out of the garbage can. -- But I always did that anyway.

Kiki once described my mother as "the devil" when they were going up. She often stated how sad she felt for me. She understood my anxiety attacks. My mother did not drive for the same reason.

After Mom's death, as I was sorting thru her belongings, I discovered 2 letters in a bottom drawer. Both were from Aunt Kiki, dated several years apart. Naturally, I read them. I was aghast to discover negative and hurtful things written about me.

I realized why my mother had saved them. Her evil hand was reaching out from the grave to get in one last dig at me. Angrily, I ripped the papers to pieces!

My father had warned me that Kiki was 2-faced with false values. He considered her a bad influence. At one point, he told me to stop corresponding with her. I was an adult and ignored his advice. Now I felt like a fool.

During a lunch with my friend, Pat, I told her of my discovery.

"What you should have done," Pat told me, "was go to a Thrift Store, buy some cheap, tacky looking knick-knacks, put them in a box along with the letters, then mail it to your Aunt. Include a note saying your mother wanted her to have these."

Too bad I had torn up those letters. I liked that idea! I'm surprised I didn't think of it.

At the time, Kiki was around the same age as I am, now. Twenty years before, she left a successful husband who adored her for an abusive liar who promised her a new Cadillac every year. After he died, instead of embracing her freedom, she took up with another invective creep out of fear of being alone.

I forgave her. My anger was not as deep as my pity.

Aunt Kiki had become a victim of her own bad judgement and misbehavior.

STICKING IT TO THE PAST

Decades ago, I watched SLAUGHTERHOUSE-FIVE the movie, based on the novel by Kurt Vonnegut. The premise concerned an older man who (with the help of space aliens) was uprooted in time. Without warning, he would suddenly find himself fully reliving a different period in his life. Now that I am older, I strongly relate.

Whenever I think back to my 20's, or my childhood, it doesn't feel that long ago. The memories are so graphic, it could have been last week, or even a day ago! Yet, it was a different world, then. However, I always boomerang back, rather than get mired there.

My childhood in the 1950's was glorious! Sadly, it all quickly unraveled and became ugly in 1960 after we moved to the house on the river with its long dock and impressive view.

I never imagined the ordeal would drag on for so long. Had I an inkling, I probably would have thrown myself in the river! -- Unfortunately, I'm a good swimmer.

A few years back, my electricity went out in the wee A.M. hours. I awoke in pitch darkness. For a few seconds I thought I was back in Stuart, in my old room with my step-mother alive in the house. And my life in Vero Beach had all been a waking dream!!! Familiar feelings of misery and hopelessness came rushing back. I wanted to die, rather than return to that!

A soft stream of light came shinning across my bedroom from a neighbor's lamp post. The electricity had returned. A tremendous feeling of relief swept thru me.

According to German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, you are advised to throw flowers at the monster who tried to consume you but failed. Personally, I'd rather throw dynamite!

Today, it feels almost as if I'm existing in another dimension compared to what I once knew. The technology that is common now was still in the realm of science fiction for most of my life. I thought we'd have flying cars before personal computers.

I'll admit I'm not into most of this technology, I find it confusing. But I love surfing the net, email, and writing on a screen rather than paper.

I can remember when a VCR was cutting edge technology!

Back in my early 30's I briefly became friendly with an attorney's wife; another I-have-money-you-don't type. After telling me her salary, she stated that fixing the family dinner was easy now, thanks to her new microwave oven.

From her tone, I knew she was just waiting for me to exclaim, "Oh you have a microwave oven!" and swoon. -- Actually we had one, too! Within 10 years almost everyone owned one!

Nowadays, I'm more behind the times. I don't own an Ipad (whatever that is!) or text. My car was manufactured in the last century and all my phones still have cords attached. I can't afford HBO or HD TV, as well as many other conveniences others take for granted.

However, I do have a P.C., cable TV, a DVR, lots of reading material, plus a fully stocked refrigerator and pantry. And I look darn magnificent for 62! To me, this is an abundance of wealth! Also there's no one around to get in my face and annoy me! All of this more than exceeds my wildest childhood fantasies! Men have their man-cave, my home is my woman's-lair.

My bliss is defined not by what I lack, but what I have. -- Of course it would be wonderful to have newer and more expensive things. But I doubt I would be any happier... On second thought, if I had a flying car life would feel perfect!

MOMMIE DEADEST

WARNING! THIS POSTING MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO SOME. -- WELL TOO BAD!

I don't know which is lower in my opinion; a woman who would deliberately get pregnant to trap a man into marriage, or one who would try to steal a married man. My mother was the first category of woman, my step-mother the second. Both were sweet as cherry pie around other people, but bitches from hell in private.

I've always felt I would have been a happier, better adjusted person had I never known my mother. When she passed from this life, the thought I was never going to see her again seemed too good to be true. Although, I knew her replacement was waiting in the wings.

At the end, cancer had ravaged my mother to the point where she required professional care in a Home. She was not expected to last out the week. She lingered there for a month.

Mom was placed in a ward with 4 other women. She enjoyed the smell of their cologne and asked me for a bottle.

I gave her a nearly full one a friend had given me for Christmas. She refused to wear it. It smelled so cheap, it embarrassed her, she said.

Angered by that remark, I refused to visit for several days. She complained bitterly to my father.

"She's threatening to disinherit you! You'd better come with me tomorrow," he advised. "Your mother's on her deathbed, remember."

The second I entered the room she seemed infused with a sudden burst of vitality. "Every one's constantly inquiring of your whereabouts. It shames me!" she ranted. If you don't show up here again, it'll go down hard on you!" 

"Alright then, disinherit me!" I hollered. "I won't show up at your funeral! Think how embarrassing that will be! Tongues will really be chattering!"

The other patients jumped in their wheelchairs and headed for the halls as we argued loudly back and forth. I had been an embarrassment to my mother my entire life, why should now be any different.

Many advised me to make peace with her before she died. Otherwise, my mother was liable to haunt me. I told them any peace between us was impossible.

Throughout the month, the phone rang several times informing us her end was at hand. -- They were false alarms! On our final visit, I was so exasperated, I exclaimed, "If she doesn't die today, I'm going to suffocate her with a pillow!"

My father was furious! A nurse's aide glowered as if she wanted to punch me! I was summoned to a supervisor's office for a lecture. I was barely seated before a nurse buzzed. Mother had passed. -- I probably have a permanent spot in the halls of infamy at that place!

Throughout the funeral, her church-lady friends shook while loudly sobbing and wailing. "Your mother was dearly loved, " my cousin whispered to me.

"They're probably just scared they're going to be next," I whispered back.

My mother's spook has come a'haunting on several occasions. I've seen objects defy gravity. I've been shoved and hit when there was no one else in the house. This has escalated since I stated my Blog. -- But I refuse to be intimidated by the dead! I intend to rip away that veil of hypocrisy and shred it with my teeth if necessary!

I'm sure some readers will label me crazy as my brother, the diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. However, I'm too old to care what someone else may think of me.

Whenever Mom drops in, I tell her exactly how I feel about her. Nothing is held back! Upon her last visit, I reminded that I was getting up in years. Before long, she'll find me on the other side. My mother has been warned to stay away and cease causing trouble. Otherwise, I'll give her payback that will have her screaming for reincarnation!

I feel, however, that I am living the meanest revenge, by just being happy.