THE MANY MARRIAGES OF M.

　
My long-time friend Margaret was coming for another visit. I was taking her as my guest to one of the Celtic Society luncheons. This was late in 2002 and they still had live entertainment. Later, they featured what their newsletter described as, "Our engrossing speaker of the month." Or as I call it, "Their comatosing speaker of the month."

Anyway, Celtic dancers would be performing. Since Margaret had been a dancer in her youth I thought she might enjoy it.

"Am I going to see that ex-boyfriend of yours? The one who brought his mom on all your dates." She snickered. "That is so funny! If he had gotten fresh with you his mother would probably have slapped him."

"No," I said. "He and his little cuckoo clan ceased attending after we broke up. Maybe they were embarrassed. Or at least they should have been! Nuts to them. I wish you lived closer, so you could join."

"No thank you!" she exclaimed. "My 1st husband was Scottish. He used to get drunk, then beat me black and blue!"

"What, another one?! Who is this guy, now?" I was starting to get confused. "I always assumed the husband who hit you before Fred was the controlling German guy!"

"No, Klaus was just bossy," she replied. "Sean the Scott was a singer. We met back when I was dancing professionally. I married him because I fell in love with his voice. It was enrapturing!"

My mouth dropped. "Every time I see you of late I hear of a different husband! Are there any more you plan to spring on me?"

"No." She sighed. "Just 4. Jim, my 3rd would have been my husband for life had he not died from that heart attack."

"For decades, I thought Fred had been your only husband!" I said. "Fred the doctor. Since moving to Vero I've leaned about all these other guys and divorces."

"Well I was embarrassed," she replied. "I was raised strictly during a different era. And a divorced woman was frowned upon."

"Fred seems to be the one who made the most lasting impression," I pointed out. "You've certainly been the most vocal about him."

"He hurt me the most deeply," she murmured.

"But he's part of your past, now," I reminded her. "You really need to let go."

"See these." She tilted her head to reveal gorgeous topaz earrings. "They're from his new wife Mitzi. She wants a friendship with me, but I don't want one with her!"

"But you'll accept her gifts," I retorted. "She's probably just trying to keep things civil," I said. "Remember, she's not the woman who broke up your marriage! She came later. So cut her some slack!"

"Still, I don't want to be friends with the woman who is sleeping with my husband!" Margaret snapped. "She's the one now savoring the lifestyle we enjoyed together!... After Fred's nurse went back to her husband, I thought he would return to me."

"I'd never want a man back who slugged me," I declared with an indignant sniff.

"Fred only did that once, unlike Sean," she admitted. "Otherwise we had a marvelous life."

"Men only get meaner with age," I asserted. "That was sure true of my father."

"The period after our divorce was the worst in my life." She grimaced.

"Yes, I remember. That's when we 1st met." I recalled it vividly.

"Oh I've had marriage proposals since then. But I just wasn't feeling it. One guy told me it would be wise to combine our assets." She frowned.

"How romantic," I replied. "But you can't fault him for being practical. Some people need to wed for financial reasons. That's why others keep telling me to get married. But I'm just not wired for it...The only way I could ever have a husband is if the guy lived in another town. And came to visit once a month! -- To fix things around the house. Then take me out to dinner."

"What about sex?" she was curious to know.

"He'd have to get a girlfriend on the side just like my father," I told her.

She chortled and gave me a playful slap on the arm. "It's ironic." She sighed. "I've always dreaded the thought of being alone. Now that I am old and alone, I feel freer. I do enjoy my life! I must admit that. I can spend my time doing exactly what I want. No one is around to bother me."

"Right on, sister!' I said. "You're preaching to the choir."

SWEET DECEIT

In honor of Valentine's Day I bought myself a big box of Lindt chocolate truffles. And that's exactly what I got, too. Mostly just box! It was around 11 inches by 8 inches with just 13 pieces of chocolate inside. -- Talk about deceptive packaging!!! If the box had been half that size it still would have been too roomy for its content.

Growing up I remember those heavenly boxes of Whitman's Sampler. They were crammed with delicious chocolates, TWO layers, no less!

At age 8, I brought out my Whitman's to share with a friend. When I opened the box and only 3 candies remained her face fell in disappointment. As I ripped off the paper revealing a plentiful layer below she gasped in astonishment. I felt like a magician!

Several years later, I clandestinely walked into town and purchased an entire box just for me! It cost $2.. I hid it in my room and had a secret stash to enjoy.

Anyone who knows me, also knows I have an addiction to sweets just as strong as an alcoholic's craving for liquor. I even bought myself a decorated cake for Mother's Day even though I have never been a mother. Also I delight in Valentine's Day despite the fact I rarely date. The candy is just too darn good. How can you not love this holiday!

I get scolded all the time, but I look at it this way; I've never smoked, I don't like the taste of alcohol, and I've never found men's flesh to be all that enticing. I need one vice, or otherwise I'd be perfect. I've never had a weight problem.

Yes, I've been warned about diabetes. But I'd rather be dead than give up what I enjoy most. And I do make concessions for the sake of my health. Every other night I try to eat a low-fat dessert such as yogurt. But those teeny-weeny Yoplait cups are expensive and don't even dent my yen. Store brand yogurt is a better value, plus I don't end up eating two. Fruited jello is another great low-fat dessert. Biscotti is low in calories, and 4 meringue cookies only equals 110 calories.

I've read articles saying that whenever you have a sweet craving to do something else you enjoy instead. Such as watch a movie, dance, read a book, or play with your pet. Well I do all those things, but I still lust for that cookie or cupcake, or some other sweet thing -- I only eat them after a meal as dessert. I'm not a snacker. Also I'm a fanatical toothbrusher & flosser!

I fantasize about sugary treats in my sleep. Sometimes I wake up with drool all over my chin and pillow because I was having a sweet dream. I could actually taste the chocolate, pastry, or ice cream as I slept.

I read in the newspaper that in 20 yrs chocolate will be as expensive as caviar and only the rich will be able to afford it. I just hope I die before that happens!

A religious acquaintance told me of someone who died, went to Heaven, and then returned to life. This lucky soul related experiences of enjoying sweet-tasting treats in the afterlife! -- I can hardly wait!

Streets of gold do not impress me. In my concept of Heaven, the roads would be paved with chocolate, both white & dark. Mansions would be made from brownies, gingerbread and cookies. Dew falls as powdered sugar. The trees and shrubs would be candied cakes topped with buttercream frosting. Everywhere there would be ponds & lakes of pink lemonade & flavored syrups. Snow would be multi-flavored ice cream, as would the popsicle icicles. And I would spend all of eternity eating my way through it! Ah, paradise.

Oh wait, that falls under the heading of GLUTTONY! One of the SEVEN DEADLY SINS. Yikes!!!
　
　

HE & ME & MOM MAKES THREE

I was new to the Celtic Society, still attending as a guest. As I walked into the crowded dining room, I noticed an elderly lady smiling at me.

"You're beautiful!" she exclaimed.

I smiled back, and asked if I could sit at her table.

She nodded. " But 2 chairs are reserved for my son and daughter," she told me. " They're out in the lobby."

Her name was "Edith". We began to chat. I explained that I had recently lost my father. Also that I had no family in the area.

"We're going to adopt you!" she said, clutching my wrist.

A tall man approached. She introduced him as her son, "Alan". He was only a few years older than I am. He bent to shake my hand.

"I couldn't believe what I was seeing," he told me. " A gorgeous redhead was seated next to me."

At that moment her daughter arrived. I'll call her "Loony June" for reasons that will become more apparent. I had noticed her before, but not the other two. Something about her had always seemed off to me. Her hair and attire were styled like a cast member from the old TV series MAMA'S FAMILY. She was overly fond of ruffles and bows.

At the time, she seemed pleasant enough. We even talked about getting together. We exchanged phone numbers.

The Celtic Society announced an upcoming concert in a few weeks. Alan asked if I would like go. I said yes, and we also exchanged numbers.

About a week later, hearing nothing from either. I gave the sister a call. After only a few rings, she answered and screeched hysterically into the receiver, "Who the hell are you and what do you want?!"

I was stunned. I introduced myself, and asked if she remembered me. There was a long silence. Then she hung up. I did not call back!

A few days later, Alan phoned. I related my experience with his sister. I asked if she was OK. He apologized, then admitted she had a drinking problem.

The evening of the concert arrived. I was excited when Alan came to my door. As I walked toward the car I was dismayed to see his mom in the front seat, and his sister in the back. I was instructed to sit in the back with Loony June.

The concert was enjoyable and everyone was pleasant. I invited the 3 of them for lunch at my house the following week.

Just Mom and Alan arrived. I was told L.J. had made other plans. Mommy Edith dominated most of the conversation. I noticed she frequently asked the same questions repeatedly. I wondered if Alan was in denial about her dementia the way my father was with my stepmother.

I mentioned that I enjoy going to movies. Alan said there was one he wanted to see. He asked me along. I was thrilled.

When he picked me up, his mom was again in the front seat. And I was again instructed to sit in the back! His mother even offered to let me have the front. -- But Alan told her to stay put! That really bugged me!

I couldn't believe it! This seemed like a stale sitcom device, not reality!

My friends all told me that should have been our final date! But I really liked Alan. We had so many interests in common. Also I knew as long as Mom was in the picture, he couldn't get serious about me. That was a big plus!

After the film, they took me to see their condo. It was only a few blocks away. Mom Edith gave me a tour. I noticed it only had 1 bedroom. I inquired as to where Alan slept.

He pointed to the sofa. "It folds out," he explained.

I mentioned another movie I planned to see when it came to town. Alan offered to take me. "In fact, we'll all go!" he announced.

Later, I asked Alan if we couldn't have an actual date with just the 2 of us and no other family members involved. He became defensive.

"Mom cannot be left alone," he told me. "Should she ever fall and hurt herself, I'd never forgive myself!"

"Why can't your sister take her for an afternoon?" I asked.

"Oh June is too busy!" he replied.

I learned later Mom and Loony June didn't get along. Also Edith's constant repeating probably drove her up the walls as it did me.

Alan often vented about his ex-wife. His ex resented the fact that he was so close to his family. For that reason alone, he thought she was just a horrible, evil person. -- But I was beginning to have lots of sympathy for her.

Dodger Pines Country Club was about to close forever. Our final luncheon there was coming up. The Celtic Society was planning a special event with a local band of young men noted for their Celtic style.

When I arrived, Alan had saved the best table. It was located right in front of the band. He reserved a spot for me along with his family members. I was really excited!

As Loony June arrived, I gave her a big goofy smile. Instantly her shoulders snapped back and stiffened. Her chin went up as she shot me a baleful look! She stormed over to Mommy.

"When did Dianne become a member of our family!" she demanded to know. "Why is this woman at our table!" She began creating a scene.

I stood there in shock. -- She had been so nice to me the last time I saw her! I kept racking my brain trying to figure out where all this hostility was coming from.

People from other tables stopped to look and listen. I was so embarrassed I wanted to vanish! Mom Edith seemed intimidated by her, and was silent. I kept expecting Alan to be a man and step in there and put an end to it.

"Just ignore June," he said nonchalantly. "Her boyfriend broke up with her, and now she's mad at the world."

Well he must have left her for a redhead! Because I was the only person in that entire room with whom she seemed to have a problem. I sat down at the table. She leaned across it and hollered, "You shouldn't be here!" I just smiled back. I didn't want to draw any further attention.

Later, everyone told me I should have left immediately when she started her tirade -- But why should I have given her what she wanted? I had pre-paid for the luncheon, I wanted to hear the band, plus the table location was ideal. Had I left, I would have been punishing myself, not Loony June.

After the band finished playing, I told Alan I was upset and leaving.

"I'll call," he said.

When I returned home, I expected him to be on the phone right away, apologizing up and down.

Three days later he called to invite me to their condo for dinner. He would personally cook me a gourmet meal. Alan said his mother would be terribly disappointed if I didn't come. -- He never mentioned his sister once!

Angrily I told him that I no longer wanted to continue our relationship!

"Why!" he expostulated. He seemed genuinely surprised.

"Because," I explained, "I was publicly insulted and humiliated by a member of your family!"

From his reaction, I could tell he didn't consider it a big deal.

Our relationship was over! He seemed hurt. But the Dodger Pines incident was the proverbial last straw for me.

Early evening, a week later, I received an irate phone call from Loony June demanding I stay away from her brother!

I reminded her my father died only 6 months ago and I didn't need any of this drama.

"Well my father died 5 years ago!" she hollered back.

Geez, there's a tremendous difference between 6 months and 5 years! Then she accused me of being a gold-digger! Again, I was insulted.

I told her I wasn't blind! I knew when Alan came to pick me up in a station wagon older than mine, there was no money there.

But apparently their father had money, but now it was in a Trust for the grandchildren. -- Her children! "And nothing can be done to change that!" she snapped.

I coldly informed her that I had ended the relationship with Alan the week before. We would not be seeing each other again. -- Because of her!

There was an embarrassed gulp at the other end of the line, followed by a long silence. When she finally spoke, she apologized. Now she was eager to be my friend, again.

I was more polite to her than I should have been. Because I was finished with that family!

Sadly, I had truly enjoyed Alan's company. I always felt he genuinely liked me for who I am. The fact that I was pretty was just decoration on the cake. Had I been horribly disfigured in an accident, I think he would have continued to find me interesting. Not so with the other men I've dated.

But I could never get past the fact that when his sister was verbally abusing me, he dismissed it and made excuses, instead of getting angry. That scenario was way too familiar!

GABE & GIN

My father planned to do the yard work at our new home as a hobby. However his heart attack and triple by-pass put an end to that idea. So he hired the previous owner's lawn crew, an older married couple called, "Gabe & Gin."

They made an incongruous pair in more ways than one. Gabe was lanky. Gin was short and round. He had an aura of arrogance. Gabe was sort of a poor man's philosopher and pundit. A know-it-all type. She was warm and compassionate, also more down-to-earth. She came across as the more intelligent of the two.

Gin told me that Gabe once held an impressive job, but lost it due to his drinking. Now he was a reformed alcoholic.

About a year before we put our Stuart house up for sale, Dad purchased an expensive lawn tractor. We barely knew Gabe & Gin. But he gave it to them as a gift. Of course they were overwhelmed! Even if they didn't use it, they could have sold the thing for a pretty penny. Which is exactly what my father should have done!

Our home needed painting and repairs which were ignored. My father didn't want to spend any more money on the house. When our refrigerator conked out, he bought a used one. -- It lasted only a short while!

I felt his generous gift had more to do with his ego than anything else. Thus they would bow down and become beholden to him. I'd seen him do this kind of thing before.

And they became very solicitous after his stroke. So his ploy worked.

A few months after the stroke, we were into another hurricane season. Previously we had been struck unprepared by a category 1 storm. This time, Dad told me not to worry. Because Gabe offered to board-up the house. Fortunately, there was no hurricane that year.

After my father's death, I mentioned the boarding to Gabe & Gin. -- I was informed that I needed to find someone else! Because they would be too busy with their own property.

My father was not a liar, nor did he suffer from auditory hallucinations. It was obvious to me that Gabe wanted to look like a stand-up guy to Dad, knowing full well that my father would likely be dead before he was called to task. I think he was reprehensible!

But I had a growing friendship with Gin, and tried get past it.

I hired Gabe to do some handy work around the house. Chores such as hanging a bathroom mirror and changing a light bulb at the top of my cathedral ceiling. In both cases, there were problems. He gave me attitude, and I ended up having to hire other people to finish the work.

Then one day as I left to catch a matinee, I noticed how crappy my yard looked. The grass was uneven and filled with weeds. I told myself not to obsess about it. It was their day, Gabe & Gin would take care of it.

Later when I returned home, my yard looked exactly the same! I assumed they had an emergency and didn't come.

Fast forward a week. Gin knocked on my door. "We sure missed seeing you last week," she exclaimed with a big smile.

"You mean you were actually here!" I said. "Did you do my lawn, my entire lawn?"

She nodded. I was incredulous.

I decided to watch them closely. They mowed, but my lawn appeared unchanged. I actually wondered if they were having problems with their vision! My patience ended.

Having a closer relationship with Gin, I approached her. Without raising my voice, I pointed to my neighbor's yard. His lawn crew had been there the day before. Yet his property looked neater, far better than mine. It was quite a contrast!

Gin said she'd take care of it.

Less than 5 minutes later, Gabe was knocking on my door. Calmly, he asked if he could come inside.

"Sure!" I chirped.

Big mistake!!! Once that door closed behind him, he let me have it!

He threw a fit! His eyes went wild! He got right down in my face and spat profanities! His spit was flying into my open mouth and my hair! -- I actually thought he might strike me!

"You have any problems with us," he shrieked, "You come to me! Gin is too tender-hearted. She can't handle problems!"

I told him I had spoken politely to Gin. He had no right to be this rude to me!

"That's just sugar-coated bitching! And I'm sick of it!" he replied.

So in other words, if I'm dissatisfied, I'm not allowed to say anything!!!

"And you have a white trash yard!" he snarled.

"Hey, you're my lawn man! What does that say about you!" I said.

"If you want you're property looking like John's Island (exclusive community) then you're going to have to pay John's Island prices!" he told me.

"My neighbor's have better kept yards! And I know they do not pay John's Island prices!" I pointed. "Just look next door!"

"That crew has kids and they don't know how to cut grass!" he hollered. "I'm a professional! I enjoy my job! And your ignorant, sugar-coated bitching is preventing me from doing that!" Again, he snarled down in my face with his scary, wild eyes!

We were alone! I truly felt threatened. I told him I had to leave right away! I had an appointment. I was shaken after he left.

Immediately I ran upstairs and wrote a check for the rest of the month, marked: FINAL PAYMENT. I enclosed a note informing him that I intended to hire someone who behaved more professionally.

Gin was my 1st friend after moving to Vero Beach. We had become quite close. I miss her friendship to this day. However, I couldn't allow either of them in my life again, after that day.
　
　

MORPHING INTO A CELT

After my father's passing, I noticed an organization in the newspaper called, "The Celtic Society". They held luncheons with live entertainment. And these events were open to the public.

It sounded intriguing, so I began attending these meetings. I enjoy Celtic music and dance. Plus the history was interesting. Always I looked forward to attending.

In the beginning the luncheons were held at the Dodger Pines Country Club. Every civic organization in town seemed to meet there. The food was tasty and reasonably priced.

This was 2002 and for $8.50 we were served a generous 3 course lunch. Later Dodger Pines closed and we meet at various restaurants. The luncheons went up to $12.50. -- Still a bargain!

For the 1st year I was a perpetual guest. Frequently, members asked why I didn't join. I told them it wasn't my heritage. I'm a Teuton, not a Celt. I was informed that was irrelevant. Because most of the spouses there fell into the same category... So I finally joined!

Now a redhead, I appeared more Celtic than anyone else in the room!

Besides the luncheons, there were many varied special events throughout the year. There were parties, balls, teas, and special dinners. It was an active, exciting, and wonderful period. Never had I experienced anything such as this in my life before!

Often I related my adventures to my friends Pat and Margaret on the phone. Pat had lost her husband shortly after my father passed. Like me, she was now in an unfamiliar city. However she was more isolated.

"It's ironic," she lamented. "You've finally got a life now, and I don't!"

That was true! Until my father's death, I had largely been a shut-in.

Always I will remember the formal ball at the country club. I never attended a High School prom. So the ball became the prom I never had! I found an elegant periwinkle gown at a thrift store. Dry-cleaning it cost more than the dress itself. It was perfect for the occasion!

Also I looked forward to their Spring Teas! Like most of the other ladies, I wore broad-brimmed hats and long flowing dresses. I could really dress-up there and I loved it!

"What are you doing with those people!" my friend Margaret used to expostulate. "I think that's so funny! You are of German stock, just like me!"

"If you lived in Vero, you'd be a member, too!" I replied.

I was planning a trip to the British Isles with the group the following year.

Then in 2004 Vero Beach was battered by double hurricanes. In 2005 another struck! My house had expensive damage the Insurance Co. didn't cover. Right around the same time I lost a staggering amount of money through investments. And the price of everything seemed to shoot up because of the storms. My spending became tighter. It seemed that way for everyone else, too. The Celtic Society cancelled the trip. Everything changed after the hurricanes.

I attended fewer and fewer of their special events. The monthly luncheons no longer featured live entertainment. Instead, they now had what our president referred to as, "Our engrossing speaker of the month." If some of those speakers were any more engrossing, I'd be comatose! I'll never forget the slide show of churches throughout Ireland, Scotland, and Wales. -- I didn't renew my membership.

Fast forward 5 yrs, I ran into a lady I knew from the Society on an excursion into town. I inquired about the group. "Oh I left shortly after you did," she told me. "It just didn't feel the same anymore." I agreed.

I no longer saw their meetings advertised in the newspaper. I wondered if the group had been disbanded.

Later, I heard through the grapevine that the Celtic Society had lost members in droves. They were now meeting only for their special events. No more monthly luncheons. Another casualty in the aftermath of the hurricanes.

HOLLYWOOD'S LOSS

My friend Margaret (now a light blonde) took to wearing a long, matching synthetic ponytail. I referred to it as, "My Old Hair." Since my tresses used to be long and blonde. By now, I was a redhead.

One day while we were out and she was sans ponytail, we ran into an acquaintance. "You cut your hair!" she exclaimed to Margaret.

"No I didn't. Here it is!" Margaret replied, pulling the ponytail from her over-sized handbag. We all laughed uproariously.

Afterward Margaret and I purchased some glittery, exotic-looking hair buffs from the Dollar Store. When we tried them on at home, we were disappointed to find they were too small.

"I think they're for little kids," Margaret said.

"They're kind of flashy for children," I replied. "But I suppose there's lots of little hooker kids in the country where they were made."

Not wanting to waste a dollar, I showed Margaret a way we could wear them as scarves under a collar. "Wouldn't it be wonderful to wear glitter, spangles, sparkles, fringe, and tassels all the time," I thought aloud.

Margaret smiled exultantly.

"Do you ever wonder what your life would have been, had you signed with that Hollywood agent back when you were a professional dancer?" I asked. "You passed up an amazing opportunity. Most would have murdered for it!"

"Of course I wonder," she replied. "How could I not. But I made the right decision. My life was wonderful beyond measure when I was married to Jim."

"Whose Jim?" I was curious to know. I already knew way too much about Fred. Also she'd mentioned a controlling German man to whom she was briefly married. This guy was somebody new!

"Jim would have been my husband for life had he not died suddenly from a heart attack," she replied. "We enjoyed a wonderful lifestyle together. He was a builder and we had a huge home. Our kids had lots of pets. We even had a monkey once!"

"Oh I always wanted a monkey as a child!" I enthused.

"That critter was nothing but problems! A monkey can get into all manner of mischief," she explained. "It would unlock doors, open drawers, and climb our chandelier. And it would get into the pantry and open jars of peanut butter and bottles of maple syrup."

"My mother would have shot it," I said.

"A few years after Jim died, I married Fred." Margaret continued. "Fred the doctor. He owned property in Key West and we'd fly down in the winter. We became friendly with another couple, there. The wife Louise, used to lament that in her youth, she was positive she would end up in Hollywood. Often she showed us old photos of herself. She was quite breathtaking once! It was sad."

"That's a common fantasy," I said. "Back in my 20's when I had my long, bleached hair and had mastered the art of make-up, I thought the same. I was sure any day Hollywood was going to discover me. I could leave that miserable flower shop forever. And my real life would begin!!!"

"Yes, you and millions of others shared an illusion," Margaret replied. "Hollywood is not a very nice place from what I've heard."

"Still, it would have been better than what I had," I retorted. "And it was nice to dream."

I would never want to return to my youth, it was too grim.

After our florist shop was sold, my life slid slowly and further downward. A decades long dark and depressing period began. I may as well have been shackled in a locked cage inside a cave. That's how it felt.

When I found myself alone at age 50, suddenly I discovered the cage unlocked. The shackles fell away! I stepped out from the cave and into an alien world. It seemed as mysterious and scary as an enchanted forest. My real life, at long last was unfolding.

NEPHEW OF THE STARS

Shortly after my father's death I was invited to an Annuity Luncheon over on the beach by his financial firm. Eager to get out of the house, I attended.

As I sat looking over paperwork, I turned and noticed a man staring at me. He smiled, then asked if the chair beside me was taken.

He introduced himself as "Les". We had not conversed more than 10 minutes when he informed me that he was the nephew of a famous celebrity couple of the late 1950's. A glamour queen and a playwright who later divorced. Both now deceased.

During the luncheon, I learned that Les had lost a fortune through investments. At that period in time, I had met several people in this predicament. All of whom were forced to make serious life style adjustments. Little did I know that in a few years I would be joining their ranks!

Afterward, Les insisted on walking me to my car. He asked for a date. Les was close to my age. Not 100 yrs old like my previous suitor.

I informed him that I wasn't looking for a husband or lover. All I wanted was a strictly platonic acquaintance. If he wanted anything more, I'd just as soon we not see each other.

"I've been born-again!" he declared. " I'm now a Christian. I believe a relationship has to evolve at it's own pace."

It was the right thing to say.

Les was beginning a new high-paying job and it would be another week before we could go out.

But the guy phoned me every frigging day! (This is a major pet peeve of mine.) There is no one in this world, or the next that I want to speak to every single day. It's suffocating!

When he came to my home, Les stared fixedly at my huge stone fireplace. "That would look better if they had built shelves into the top of it," he stated matter-of-factly.

"That would ruin it!" I exclaimed. -- No one had ever found fault with my awesome fireplace before!

It was around 1:00 P.M.. Our afternoon was going to be spent making the rounds of Thrift Shops. We both confessed to enjoying this. I've purchased some treasured items in those places!

I told him we had to be back in no more than 4 hours because my dog was elderly and she couldn't hold her bladder any longer.

"You should have her put to sleep," he declared. " Look at the way she's walking! She has a slipped disk in her back. She's in pain! You really should put her out of her misery!" he said with a tone of authority.

I informed him my dog was almost 18 yrs old and had arthritis. "One day I might be walking funny for the same reason. And nobody had better dare try putting me out of my misery!" I asked if he had any pets.

"Oh I had a beautiful purebred cat until just last week," he gushed. "But my new furniture arrived and I had to take her to the shelter. I'm sure they'll find her a good home, soon."

I stared at him, mouth agape. Geez, in my world an animal ranks higher than furniture! It was clear beyond doubt he wasn't my kind of person.

As we began to converse, the born-again Christian seemed to have a problem speaking a simple sentence without lacing it full of profanity. Had he spoken that way at the luncheon, (or on the phone) I never would have agreed to see him. In my circle, we don't use that language. I'd be embarrassed to introduce him.

Later as we were seated at a restaurant, he pointed at my hair. "You should have more brown and less red," he advised. "It would look better."

I informed him my hair was previously auburn, and I the deeper red is more flattering with my skin tone. -- I should have shot back that he'd look better with a different nose!

He noticed I was annoyed.

"I was attracted to you because you look like you take care of yourself," he told me. "Most women just let themselves go after a certain age."

"Is that why you divorced your wife?" I inquired.

"No, she was beautiful and youthful-looking. But she just didn't have the rest to go with it."

Geez, that's exactly what my parents said about me my entire life! What exactly is the rest? A lot of women don't even have that much. If there is a woman that extraordinary, he sure didn't deserve to have her!

"And you've certainly kept your figure." He grinned.

"You can thank my father for that," I told him. "He held a low opinion of over-weight people. And he had a particular disdain for fat women!"

"Your dad and I have something in common," he said.

"Yeah, more than you think. Now that he's gone, I think I'll let myself go and get fat just because I can," I lied.

Les was horrified! "You wouldn't really do that, would you?"

I just smiled, teasingly.

The date was over as far as I was concerned when he brought me home. I scooped up the dog and took her outside. Les slipped in behind me and seated himself on the sofa. I gnashed my teeth. I just wanted him gone! I had been looking forward to a hot bath and reading the newspaper.

I retire early in the evening because I get up early. Also I have my routine beforehand. I told him this.

"I don't want to change your life. I just want to be a part of it." He smiled with contentment.

I turned on the TV and sat down. Every time he spoke to me, I just glared at him. As it began to get dark, I yawned a lot. Eventually he got the hint!

The following day he phoned to inform me he found a cheap trip to Las Vegas online, and would be leaving soon. "Next time you can come," he told me.

"Forget about me!" I exclaimed. "If you meet someone interesting, just go for it!" I urged.

For the next few days, it felt peaceful knowing he would not be calling. I hoped I'd heard the last from him. But no, he was on the phone shortly after his return.

"Did you meet anyone special?" I asked hopefully.

"No, did you, while I was away?" he inquired back.

"Look," I said, "I really think we're an incompatible couple."

"Then how can we become compatible?" he was eager to know.

I wanted to scream, "Get a personality transplant!" But I just sighed, and told him I was still grieving my father's death. "I need time alone," I explained. "Perhaps it's best..."

"Maybe we shouldn't see each other again!" he snapped, interrupting me.

Damn, I wanted to be the one to say that!