THE EMAIL

 

A perfect day for me is one in which the phone never rings and the mailman drives right past. The long Memorial Day weekend had arrived! I was looking forward to quiet. The last thing I wanted was drama in any form. Unfortunately email is an everyday 24 hour occurrence.

Late Friday afternoon one arrived with the heading: I've Got Bad News For You; from someone claiming to be a professional hacker. The email stated they had subverted my anti-virus had been following me for months and tracking every move I made.

I was sweating until I came to the part about having photos of me masturbating while watching a porn site. They demanded payment in bitcoins or these would be posted on social media. Now I was laughing, but also angry! This person had crossed a line!

In the past scammers offered to send me money but this one demanding it and threatening me!

I tried forwarding it to a number of authorities attempting to report it. Each one came back as undeliverable, I wondered if the sender had put a block on it preventing me from doing this. So I phoned the Sheriff's office.

They seemed unconcerned and dismissive. I was told that as long as no money was paid, or personal info given, or any links clicked, I could just delete and forget it. What???

I thought just the act of sending someone an email like this constituted a serious crime! Hot cat pee! Here was extortion, blackmail and stalking by an admitted criminal!

My neighbor told me I still had cause to worry. The technology existed to paste my head on a different body and post it.

Shortly after, a stranger on Facebook with a private account stole/shared a photo of me at age 40. I was wearing a long dress with plunging neckline. I'm sure this was taken for some purpose I wouldn't approve and it upset me.

That email probably originated from a distant part of the planet; China, Africa, Russia, wherever etc. making the sender or senders difficult to shut down. Thus no one even bothers to try allowing this scam to proliferate.

SURGING SUMMER SENSATIONS

 

Long lazy sun filled days, picnics on the beach, boat rides, sleepovers with friends, movie matinees and lots of free time to enjoy; all of this harkens back to summers past.

I recall fun in the surf and speeding thru the waves down the St. Lucie River into the inlet and out into the vastness of the ocean. Memories come surging forth along with all the wondrous flavors; pink lemonade, pizza, popcorn, cream soda, not to mention ice cream, ice cream, & more ice cream!

Television was filled with reruns. So we'd take long leisurely evening walks filled with silly conversations and laughter. Or we'd all pile into the car and go for a drive into town and beyond. Once you left the city limits back then the pitch darkness stretched on for miles. It was scary but in a fun sort of way.

Many of our family vacations were spent in the mountains where the summer temperatures were cooler and more pleasant than here in Florida. I loved Gatlinburg, Tennessee! It seemed like a big carnival town and was lots of fun!

Also we stopped at all the touristy attractions along the way in many different states. Summer was the most wonderful time of the year during my childhood and teens.

Deep within me I longed for a miracle hoping that September would never arrive. September meant school and all it entailed. The very thought filled me with anxiety and dread. And September still does, only for a different reason. It's the beginning of peak hurricane season!

Nowadays summer just feels like long months of sweaty hot, miserable, bug-infested days with high electric bills made worse due to hellacious global warming. And the older I get the less tolerance I have for heat. Florida is too hot anyway. It does get chilly here, but rarely and my central heating has been restored.

These days it's winter I wish would last forever!

GALLIC & GARLIC CUISINE

 

Before 1978 I'd never heard of quiche! Where I live in Florida it was never on restaurant menus, not even in French restaurants and I dined out a lot during the 70's. It wasn't until I went to France at age 27 that I became aware of this tasty dish.

My family was hardly cosmopolitan. Our meals were simple; my dad was strictly a meat & potatoes man. And he disliked all ethnic food except for German. When it came to culinary skills no woman in his life, not my mother or ever my stepmother equaled that of his long dead German grandmother.

German cuisine is my least favorite. Offhand I can't think of one German dish that I actually like. But I enjoyed visiting Germany despite this!

To my surprise and delight after I returned from Europe quiche was suddenly everywhere! Not just on restaurant menus but in supermarket delis as well as the frozen food section with so many delicious and different variations available. M-M-M!

Long before eating them in Paris I had escargot (snails) at the Petite Marmite in Palm Beach at age 20. I enjoyed them! But frankly I couldn't taste anything beyond the garlic butter. In Paris, they were served with bread to be dipped into the empty shells to sop this up.

Speaking of bread, not long ago I purchased brioche at Walmart. It tasted OK, however nothing special. But I could swear it contained melatonin or even rohypnol because shortly after eating a slice I became sleepy. I took a catnap and upon awakening discovered that I'd slept the entire afternoon away.

That evening I was unable to watch TV because I kept falling asleep. I retired to bed around 8:30 PM and slept soundly throughout the night which is rare.

The next day after consuming another slice the exact thing happened. I related this experience to a friend in an email conversation.

She emailed back telling me to throw out that loaf regardless of what I paid for it. As much as I hate wasting food I did this. The overwhelming heavy tiredness disappeared the following day. That brioche did not play nice with my system!

MANGE DU GATEAU

 

Marie Antoinette day, a time to celebrate; cake for dessert! I am enjoying this PBS series to the hilt!

My dad (a history buff) always insisted that Marie wasn't a villainess just an ignoramus and the victim of bad press. True, Marie was a lavish spender but this was the milieu into which she married. Extravagance was the name of the game in the French court and as queen she couldn't allow herself to be upstaged.

She set about to impress the wrong people rather than the ones who mattered. This ended up costing her life.

Marie didn't say, "Let them eat cake!" (Mange du gateau!) What she actually said was, "S'ils n'ont plus de pain, qu'ils mangent de la brioche!" Brioche is what she told her subjects to eat and not cake. -- That is if she really said it. This may be a myth!

Like most people when I think of Marie Antoinette I picture a middle-aged woman in flouncy outlandish attire. We forget that once she was young, pretty and rocked those frocks!

After being crowned the queen Marie was still a teenager who just wanted to have fun. Her husband the new king was overwhelmed by the job and flustered.

Louis XVI is portrayed here as an introvert and an oddball. (Something I can strongly relate to!) He is either unwilling or unable to consummate their marriage for many long years. The reason is never fully given in the series or by history.

And many prying eyes are literally watching them in their wedding bed thru holes in the walls at least in this teleplay. Also it is implied that Marie becomes involved in a lesbian affair while waiting for Louis to do his husbandly duty. -- She may or may not have; all those who know for sure are dead.

Eventually with Marie's blessing the king is given lessons from a prostitute on how to get it on. She is under tremendous pressure to produce an heir or be replaced. Plus Marie is unpopular among the French just because she's Austrian. There is plenty of back stabbing and plotting within the French court.

The earlier episodes play up her feud with Madame Du Berry, Louis XV's mistress. The gorgeous actress who plays her also had a brief role in VIKINGS on the History channel. Here, she stole every scene! Du Berry is portrayed as a strong, manipulative, and cunning woman.

In reality probably not; on her way to the guillotine she stood out by creating a scene: screaming, crying and begging for her life. The others all died with dignity.

I read someplace that the brain and facial muscles remain functional for a brief while after decapitation. Now imagine deploying a little wicked fun should this be your fate. This could be used to an advantage as the severed head is held up for display before the crowd. Those cheering onlookers would flee shrieking in dire terror to the nearest cathedral!  -- A missed opportunity.

As I'm seated beneath the chandelier in my formal dining room I embark on a little vacation into history via my imagination; a time traveler able to assume another identity.  In front of me is my picture window. I'm enjoying what the cultured folk would refer to as the side garden. Only now it's part of the vast garden at Versailles.

Just call me Countess Dianne Patrice (my middle name is Patricia) but I'm omitting my last name because it's German and the French really hate Germans.

Also I'm one of the fortunate royals who managed to flee the country while the revolution was erupting.

On the table before me is my Winn Dixie quiche along with a slice of the discount, quick sale mini-cake I bought there. It's fancy with rainbow sprinkles. Cake is far more delicious than brioche.

My napkin (actually a paper towel) is magically transformed into an elegant hanky. As I gaze outside upon the greenery suddenly I see the form of a lady moving gracefully among the foliage. 

"Mon Dieu," I exclaim, clutching my ruffled décolletage. Could it be Marie Antoinette?

Nah it's my neighbor, Marie Soltyiak. -- But today she is Marie Antoinette!

If this is dementia I'm really enjoying my senility.

THIS ISLAND, MY HOME

 

I've reached THAT point! Friendships are dwindling. Either they're dying off, moving away, or distancing themselves due to political differences. Plus the pandemic along with runaway inflation have all accelerated my isolation.

Although I must confess I am not unhappy. Life has been better, but it's also been much worse.

The days of the week just as the seasons here in Florida are blurring together. When I awaken in the morning I have to ask myself: Is today Tuesday or is it Thursday, or maybe it's Wednesday?"

Just as my parents before me, I suffer from fractured sleep. Around 2:00 PM after programming my DVR I toss my head back on the recliner and close my eyes, within seconds I'm unconscious! When I awaken sometimes I think it's the following morning and I've spent the night there; when in fact only a half an hour has passed.

When did I become this old? Age only bothers me due to all the miserable side effects.

On the plus side, I do enjoy the quiet and solitude. It's beautiful! Not to mention having a schedule that belongs entirely to me. That is truly wonderful!

A FLORIDA EASTER

 

Ponce de Leon discovered Florida around Easter time when our spring flowers were in full colorful bloom. He called this "La Florida" the Land of Flowers. An aging Ponce searched in vain for the fabled Fountain of Youth rumored to be here. Sadly, he never found it and neither have I, nor anyone else.

My previous home (an hour's drive south of here) was overlooking the St. Lucie River. The river was a mile wide behind our home, plus we could see for long miles in each direction. Our view was jaw-dropping in its magnificence!

I read someplace that Ponce de Leon sailed up and down the St. Lucie River. Back then, this whole area was part of the old Spanish Main. How wonderful it would be to glimpse the past for just a few minutes!

Later, I'll be celebrating Easter with a dinner of coconut-crusted tilapia, Spanish rice, buttermilk biscuits with honey butter, deviled eggs made with lemon-dill aioli; & for dessert Florida's famous Key Lime pie; all to be washed down with strawberry-lemon tea.

As with nearly every other holiday I'll be dining at the formal table under the chandelier. But first, I'll enjoy movie from my DVR library. Today is special!

SOLVING AN EONS OLD MYSTERY

 

Bible studies were right up there with history & science when I was in elementary school back during the 1950's. Every morning after the pledge of allegiance came a passage from the bible followed by a discussion with the teacher.

Plus nearly every month we piled into the auditorium for further lessons; an elderly woman with cardboard figures along with a large board entertained us with stories from the bible. I must admit I enjoyed these; although sometimes I was left puzzled as were many, particularly by one age old question.

The first humans Adam & Eve had only two children originally, but after Cain became a pariah Eve gave birth to another son, Seth.

After killing his brother Abel, Cain took a wife. Okay, so where did she come from? Adam & Eve produced only sons!

My mother insisted this is no mystery. She claimed God created other people after Adam & Eve, although it's not stated in the bible.

A teacher claimed that other humans existed on the earth at the same time but were bereft of souls. -- I thought everything had souls according to the bible even the rocks and trees.

A religious friend said Cain, Abel, & Seth had sisters. I pointed out that none are mentioned in the bible. And besides, isn't that incest? The friend declared that if you're the first of your kind then incest is not a sin.

I wasn't buying into any of that! I'll admit I'm not religious, but I believe that I've solved this mystery along with others. Actually the answers are quite obvious if you think about it.

The three sons weren't born until after Adam & Eve were driven out and banished from the Garden of Eden. Remember, someone else was out there lurking in the wilderness. -- Lilith, Adam's first wife who rejected him. Plus she was quite the bitch and a slut.

Unlike his dad, Cain was a bad boy and Lilith probably found his young offspring hot. Cain must have mated with Lilith, the only existing option. Of course she was older than his mother, but any port in a storm, right? As with Cain's mom, Lilith was still young enough to be fertile.

We all sprang from the loins of a murderer and an evil wanton woman. This explains a lot about human nature. The apple doesn't rot far from the tree.

You can bet that before Cain, Lilith was busy copulating with ape-like hominid troglodytes and even got kinky with a visiting space alien or two. Believe me, she was the exactly the type that would! Adam was too tame for her. Anyway, this explains how Bigfoot, Sasquatch, Yeti, and the missing link came onto the scene.

Later the offspring of Lilith & Cain copulated with their hominid hybrid half-siblings. And this is how cave people came to be.

Eventually, a good and decent human came into being (a recessive gene) Noah. By this time the world was in desperate need of a major reboot.

As torrents of rain fell and the great flood was covering the earth the original children of Lilith (Bigfoot, Sasquatch, Yeti) went deep underground; sheltered and protected by the reptile people with whom they are allied. Later, when the forests were restored they returned to the surface. But that's a theory for another blog post.

Now that I've solved and explained this, I hope it clears up a lot of questions in other's minds.

You're welcome!