OH BABY, I DIG IT & GAG ME WITH A SPOON

If you are under age 60, stop reading now & go away. You're not going to be able to relate to anything here. But if you belong to the proper age group listen up, or rather keep reading. I have valuable info for you. I am greatly enjoying my second childhood, most of the time anyway! 

Think back to the 1950's, remember the Gerber baby foods that came in the tiny glass jars? I was a picky eater with the opposite weight problem from most children. I was a bag of bones! Because of this, I was still given these at age 4 to supplement meals.

Also by age 4, I was a habitual coffee drinker. (My parent's didn't think it was a big deal.) In my mind, I was too big and declared myself too old for that namby-pamby baby food. But of course the decision wasn't mine.

Fast forward many decades later, I was 50 years old during my father's final summer. He succumbed to cancer the following October. Dad had almost zero appetite for solid foods. He drank a can of Ensure 3 times a day and I made him fruit smoothies. A neighbor suggested giving him baby food throughout the day. It would provide more nutrients and go down easier.

But Dad was unreceptive to the idea. He was a manly-man who didn't want me giving him any sissy-ass baby food! Damn it! I was flustered; he gave half of every meal to the dog. And the Vet was already upset with me because she was too fat!

Since I'm on the subject, I recall an actress who stated that her dog was only feed baby food.

My family had a dog before I was born which I refer to as "The Dog of Legend." As a boy, my father received it as a puppy. Later Dad married, my brother was born, and my father was drafted into the army during WWII. In 1946 Dad returned from occupied Japan never expecting the dog (now 20 years old) to still be alive. But there it was to greet him and lived for several years after that!

This dog according to my family ate everything they did! Canned canine food didn't even exist then! I firmly believe a dog's (or cat's) diet should never be limited. They enjoy variety just as we do!

Now that I'm 2 years over the 65 mark, maintaining my health is foremost in my life. Doctors & hospitals are expensive and I lack even the basic financial safety net.

My diet has been completely overhauled! The newest twist is baby food! I wanted something that wasn't just empty calories whenever I craved a snack! And it doesn't trigger my acid reflux. Plus these are tasty & better than my old stand-by's of potato chips or cheetos.

Gerber's Autumn Vegetable Turkey is great for dipping; broccoli, celery, carrots, etc. Also you can dip bread, cheese sticks, turkey strips, etc. The Herb Vegetable Pasta Chicken I sometimes use as a sauce over ravioli & tortellini.

I love that these can also be enjoyed at room temperature. This is a blessing during hurricane season when the electricity is out for days or even a week!

Also you get a nifty little reusable plastic container with a lid! (No more glass jars.) These can be used a variety of ways! Fill them with grapes, cherries, olives, nuts/trail mix, M&M's, vitamins, etc; for a work snack, a short trip, or a picnic. Or use them to store pins, paper clips, tacks, buttons, loose change, etc; their uses are endless!

I've heard some nasty news recently about traces of lead in these meals. But I was a kid who ate lead paint chips at my grandmother's house. Hey, it was only for a few days! And it was downright tasty compared to the food there. Hopefully, now that this has come to light something will be done.

I purchase the ones under the "Crawler" label although that doesn't apply to me. No Life Alert bracelet for this senior citizen, if I fall on the floor I can still get up.  Har! Har!

FAIRY TALES & R-RATED TAIL

For awhile the trend seemed to be updating old fairy tales into adult versions on TV & movies. I watched Once Upon A Time for the novelty of it. Supposedly, it was to appeal to both children & adults, but from where I sat it failed on both counts.

The show was too raunchy for children. I am not a mother, but if I was, I'd never let my kids watch anything where fairy tale characters were so heavily into adultery & fornicating. It was often aired at 7:00 PM on Sundays. Gadzooks! This was Disney hour when I was growing up. Guess it's all part of the sleazing down of our society. Take away the adult parts and you were left with childish, even silly plots. This show always left me disappointed and disgusted. Plus the casting was goofy!

I have no problem with adult versions, variations, updates, or distortions of fairy tales, but these should be STRICTLY FOR ADULTS! -- And mature teens, if you can find one.

I'll admit that I don't watch stand-up comedy on cable anymore. Few of these comedians are funny, the majority are dirty, mostly it's smut with little wit, just filthy dumbed down humor.

However recently, I saw a clever and well performed adult's only re-telling of Little Red Riding Hood. This deformed and grotesque version was titled Freeway made in 1996 starring Reese Witherspoon. She was as cute, sexy, and tough as she could be.

Reese played a teenage juvenile delinquent slated to return to foster care after her hooker mother and drug addicted, child-molesting step-father are arrested. The character escapes and heads to her grandmother's place in a rundown trailer park.

Along the way her car breaks down and a too-nice-to-be-true man comes to her rescue. He gives her a ride along with uplifting avuncular conversation. But soon his true colors emerge! He's actually a serial killer with a predilection for teenage girls.

Of course the ending was predictable, but the journey was entertaining no less.

Hmmn, this gives me an idea! How about a full blown adult update of Snow White! In this version, Snow White would be a hooker beaten up by her pimp (an evil step-father) and thrown in a ditch to die. She is saved by 7 midgets who are circus acrobats and skilled in the martial arts. They teach her their ways as she recovers. Once healed, she wreaks bloody havoc and revenge on her step-dad along with a list of johns who mistreated her. Afterward, she shows her gratitude to the 7 midgets as only a professional woman can.

Perhaps this already has been done, but a similar premise might still be fun. The variations, twists, and spins on these old tales are endless.

As I watched Freeway, I chuckled. This felt like a bedtime story to me in my old age. No matter how engrossing the plot, once I throw my head back on my recliner I'm out like the proverbial light in no time. But thanks to the miracle of my DVR I don't have to miss anything! Then I can go right back to sleep zzzzzzzzzz, snore!

RIPPED OFF & ROTTING AS I WAIT

Hellish humidity, rain and rotting wood surround me. I was preparing myself to file in Small Claims Court. But first, I filed a complaint with the Better Business Bureau, also one with Florida Senior Abuse on the advice of others. (Remember that under all this smoking hotness is a senior citizen!) I was hesitant about the latter for two reasons. No one was beating me with a stick. (Although I'm sure there are people who would like to!) Also the man who ripped me off is the same age. -- I learned neither matters, it still qualifies as abuse!

However I ran into problems because I had no address; only his name, business, & phone number. Senior Abuse could find neither a trace of him nor his business anywhere. I went online myself with the same issue. He claims to be licensed & insured, but I'm having doubts about that.

Enter my friend Rose who is super smart. She traced his address thru his phone within 10 minutes. Also she called to find out if he was still in business. He's not working now because his equipment is broken. Rose advised me not to waste my time & money going to small claims court because I probably won't get anything. I'm inclined to agree. I may as well try to prick blood from a brick.

However, my complaints may spare others similar grief! I was ripped off for $5,500! The job was performed spring 2017 and now must be done over completely. I am a single woman on a fixed income. I haven't had good night's sleep over this and I'm tired and stressed every day.

This guy became my regular handyman after the previous and best one ever retired to another state. I'd hired this new one for several jobs and was pleased with his work. I'd even recommended him to others. -- I sure regret that now!

The outside of my home must be maintained! I don't want neighbors complaining that I'm lowering their property values. This is a pretty neighborhood that looks straight out of a 1950's movie set. The maintenance along with taxes & insurance keeps me poor. But I love this house! It still takes my breath away every time I walk thru the door.

Late February 2017 my house needed painting and rotting wood replaced. I asked my handyman to advise me and recommend someone. Apparently he saw dollar signs and volunteered to do the job, one which he turned out to be clearly unqualified. A carpenter friend was going to help, he assured.

The carpenter came and asked me if I was a church-goer. (As if this was any of his business!) I told him, no. He gave me a look of disdain."I don't know if I want this job," he replied. "I haven't decided."

My jaw dropped. Inside I was screaming, "I'm the decider here buster, not you!" The following day I told my handyman I wanted a different carpenter! I thought I'd disqualified myself anyway plus I didn't like his pious and condescending attitude. -- Anytime someone wears God or the flag like a cheap accessory it's usually a cloak of deceit.

"He's already agreed to take the job!" I was told. "This man is so skilled he's able to cherry-pick his jobs. You'll never find anyone better!"

So I relented. That carpenter was here only ONE half day with his sons and I can't see that any work was done! Rotting wood is still plentiful all over my house, rotting wood that was painted over!!!

I wish I could sue his sanctimonious ass! But I can't, because I wrote the checks to my handyman, not him! I'm going to be paying twice! I am pissed as hell! Now I must find someone who will not rip me off!

I've been reading a post that's making the rounds across the pages of Facebook that states strong women are never victims. Oh geez, really? Am I supposed to apologize now for being victimized! If the person who came up with this ignorant post were to stand before me and say that, this victim would punch them in the face!!!

RIPPED OFF, NOT ONCE BUT TWICE

This summer felt as if I was stuck in the middle of the Sargasso Sea inside a leaky row boat. And the previous 2 summers were absolutely miserable with 2 species of flying ants invading my living room every night just after dark!

Summer 2016 I knew why! I had rotting wood that needed replacing and I was saving up money for the job.

Summer 2017 these bugs should have been gone! I paid to have the job completed the spring before! I called a pest control company. The man said it was no mystery I had bugs because the wood on my chimney was all rotted.

I told him that could not be! I'd just paid a large sum to have the wood replaced and my house painted. He declared my chimney was rotting and in dreadful shape.

At the time I was having vision problems and difficulty reading traffic signs unless I was right under them. I soon learned that I needed cataract surgery in both eyes. I don't have health insurance and despite my age am neither eligible for Social Security or Medicare.  

Then came the hurricane hysteria as another Cat 4 was headed straight for here and no one wanted the job of boarding up my house. I was in a dire panic! Fortunately as with the previous summer this one also swerved at the last moment.

Finally, I found a man to come and board me, but he showed up after the storm threat had passed. (This should have been a clue!) A neighbor reminded me that at least he did show when no one else wanted the job. I paid him to nail back a loose board that was hanging from my chimney which he agreed was in terrible shape.

He walked around my house and pointed out other places where rotting wood had been painted over. The wood was spongy. I only caught the parts that buckled! The previous repairman was incompetent or he just got lazy. This was a person I'd hired several times before, had been pleased with his work and trusted!

The new guy agreed I'd been ripped off and wanted the job of fixing it. He was a young man in his 30's and looked up to the labor.

I couldn't delay my cataract surgery any longer. This was a huge out-of-pocket expense! I had to put off my house repairs until I rebounded financially. I continued cutting back on everything.

Thankfully, the spray from the previous summer spared me bugs during this one, but the woodpeckers were now driving me straight up the walls! The constant hammering noise was maddening and in some spots it sounded like an electric drill! I'd run outside shrieking like a maniac while banging pots together. The birds would flee, but just as soon as I got comfortable inside they'd be at it again. This would go on all day long.

Also there is a major trouble spot under the high arch where I previously had bat and bee infestations. Nothing was done there to prevent future problems.

April 2, 2018 I gave the new repairman a $400 deposit to reserve April 16 to start. Also I instructed him to take photos because I was taking the previous guy to court. I was pissed as hell about paying TWICE!!!

In the meantime, my financial advisor Bob was contacting the prior one trying to get him to do the right thing. Bob was sworn at, hung up on, and told to go ahead and call a lawyer!

The new guy failed to show up on April 16 or even call to explain why. Later he told me his house flooded and that set him back, but he'd notify me before coming. Week after week passed, but he seemed allergic to returning my calls. 

However he returned Bob's messages and then phoned to tell me he'd been in the hospital. -- Hospitals have telephones!!!  I asked why he didn't call me. He said he couldn't. Afterward I found out he had a wife, so why didn't SHE call me?

In the meantime, the previous repairman showed up at my house to complain and also had a few choice words to say about Bob. But this guy didn't have a leg to stand on and if he does, it's made of rotting wood and termite ridden.

The new repairman was dropping the ball so many times you'd think it was made of lead! He was a consistent NO SHOW!!! This guy didn't move like a ninja, he moved like a glacier. I demanded my $400 deposit back! He claimed he'd already spent more on paint, sidings, & materials for my house.

I was assured he would be here July 2 to begin work. NO SHOW!!! He claimed it was because his son was injured in a fireworks accident. --This was 2 days before the 4th!

That was his latest excuse; first, his house flooded, then he was hospitalized, and now this! Geez, the guy sure had an inordinate amount of catastrophes.

The next scheduled date was July 9. I gave him a choice, either show up and start the work or deliver the materials totaling $400 with receipts. He could keep anything in excess of $400. -- Can you guess what happened? I'll give you a hint:  O!

However I received an email saying his wife was having contractions, but he promised to be here the following day. He was NOT!

My financial advisor sent him a not-so-nice message. The afternoon of the next day he was here taking photos. (This should have been done months ago!) I blinked and almost missed him. Obviously he can move like a missile when he wants to!

I emailed him to forward the photos to both me & Bob. Also I inquired when I might actually be seeing work performed.  No photos, no reply!

Suddenly it was July 17! For crying out loud, I'd been waiting THREE MONTHS!!!

I phoned the Sheriff's Dept! An officer contacted the man and warned him that if my deposit wasn't refunded by 4:00 PM the following day a warrant would be issued for his arrest. He was going to be charged with FRAUD.

My money was returned fast!

The Sheriff's office wouldn't look into the previous workman because he completed the work despite doing a lousy, rip-off of a job! Everything must be redone!

I am now busy filing complaints!!!

DON'T BE ASHAMED TO MASTERDATE

I've been masterdating for as long as I can remember. Yesterday I did it at the Vero Beach Mall in full view of everyone. I haven't done it at the library for awhile, but tomorrow I might! One thing is for sure, I don't do enough of it. That's masterdating with a D as in Dianne. I didn't come up with that word, but I love it and also love doing it!

Masterdating is treating yourself to things you enjoy, no company required. All but a few of my many exotic vacations were taken alone.

Before moving to Vero Beach I didn't drive due to anxiety attacks, but that never stopped me! Our house was inside the city limits and within walking distance of nearly everything! The historic downtown area with stores, restaurants, museums, and a theatre was just a short distance away. My bank was even closer! Numerous doctor & dentist offices were close by, and the hospital was just down the street. And the library was just blocks away!

Growing up, I walked to school and back right up until the last 3 years before I graduated. Then I walked to the Junior High where I caught the bus out to the new High School.

Several of my jobs were ones to which I walked. Also I put in applications to others nearby. However they asked a question which is now illegal, one that involved my transportation to and from work. One interviewer actually said to me, "I see you have a problem getting to work."

I stated there was NO PROBLEM! Should it storm I would have no trouble getting a ride. Someone living farther away would have more of an issue if their car broke down. Still this seemed to be a stigma against me!

As long as I had 2 functioning legs I got around just fine! I carried an umbrella to shield me from the blazing sun as well as raindrops.

Unfortunately without a job there was no spending money for excursions into town or anything else. For entertainment, much of my time was spent at the library just blocks away. I even became a volunteer hoping it would lead to employment. It did not.

In 1999 came the big move to Vero Beach! Here, nothing was close to home! With continued therapy along with professional lessons I finally was able to get a license and drive a car.

After my father's death in 2001 and before my staggering loss in a bad investment, I was sitting pretty financially. Every week I enjoyed a Date-Myself-Day and treated myself to a movie and a meal. And I was the best date I've ever had! I could choose both the movie & restaurant I wanted, plus leave & come home when I felt like it on the day of my choosing! Life was wonderful!

It still is, just not as. Despite financial issues and other woes life goes on. I enjoy meeting friends for lunch & shopping, or sometimes just lunch. And I treat myself to an occasional movie or meal alone, only not as frequently.  

At home, I always set a lovely table just for me to enjoy. Perhaps it's old age kicking in, but sometimes as I pull up after a day out I feel relief that I don't have to go anyplace for the remainder of the week.

A relaxing nap also feels like masterdating!

THE VACATION BIBLE SCHOOL BRIBE

At the end of summer I would be starting school for the first time. This was back in the 1950's! My exposure to other children was limited. Mostly, my time was spent with my closest neighbor Sharla, 4 years my senior who was spoiled rotten and my parents considered a bad influence, but was tolerated.

My mother feared I'd be socially retarded. She had this idealized image of what her daughter was supposed to be and never failed to let me know that I was a big disappointment.

My brother, 11 years older had been attending church alone ever since my family moved to Florida 5 years earlier. Thanks to our Pentecostal grandmother up north he was quite religious then.  A few years later when drafted into the army he discovered alcohol and exchanged one crutch for another.

That particular summer the church was holding a vacation bible school for children my age. My family thought it might do me good to meet more kids my age. Thankfully it was only for a week, but it turned out to be one of the longest weeks of my life.

Class started early. The teacher was a woman on the elderly side. Another in her 20's appeared to be her assistant. The students were a mixed group of girls & boys about evenly divided. I noticed that one girl kept shooting me a less than friendly look.

At 10:00 AM each day, class paused for a 15 minute break. Everyone went outside where punch & cookies were served by the assistant. The boys & girls separated. We ate on benches. I sat alone.

The other girls seemed to go out of their way to avoid me. That one continued shooting evil looks. She appeared to be their leader. I'll call her "Alpha"! Perhaps she felt threatened by me because we both had the same Buster Brown haircut. However I was probably the least threatening person there.

The first day was it for me! I never wanted to return, but was urged to give it a second chance.

The following one played out the same. I declared to my parents that I would NOT be returning. The other kids excluded me plus I was getting an outright hostile vibe from one girl.

At that time, I did have a friend my age, Lindy who had moved nearby. My mother invited her to join me and pay the small fee for the remainder of the week so I wouldn't feel alone.

The following morning as we sat waiting for class to commence, I couldn't believe my eyes as Alpha gave Lindy the warmest most welcoming smile I'd ever seen in my life! -- Why didn't she do that for ME??? Lindy smiled sweetly back.

When break time rolled around as we stood getting our refreshments Alpha waved Lindy over and invited her to sit with her and the other girls, which she did. I sat alone and watched them all play together afterward.

I told my mother that was the proverbial straw that finally broke the camel. However, Mom had an idea. The following AM when my brother picked Lindy up he was instructed to bring her back to our house, first.

I owned an elaborate doll collection despite the fact I never played with them. (I was more of a bug, rock, & reptile gal.) But my mother adored dolls! Lindy did, too. She loved playing with mine whenever she visited. -- I was probably just the side attraction. Anyway, Lindy was partial to one doll in particular.

My mother offered to give her this doll at the end of the week provided she remain at my side. Lindy was thrilled!

The following day as we sat at the bench having our cookies & punch Alpha came over and asked Lindy to come sit with her and the other girls.

"No, I can't," she replied. "I have to stay with Dianne!"

It's that "HAVE TO" part that always sticks in my mind.

I waited for Alpha to say, "Bring her, too." Instead, she just shrugged and walked away.

But Lindy was a good little whore! She earned that damn doll! However, I never wanted anything more to do with her afterward. She was never invited to my home ever again.

I don't believe getting a so-called friend to prostitute herself was the answer. Better to have complained to the minister and demanded a refund since the 2 women in charge were either clueless or indifferent.

I wondered if I would be encountering Alpha again later when I started school. This was not the case. Unfortunately, there were others of her ilk. I found myself in their crosshairs.

And despite my mother's best efforts I grew up socially retarded, but I'm OK with that.

THE GIRL FROM LONG AGO

That summer I must have been 4 years old because I didn't start school for another 2 years at age 6. My premier friend Sharla, (4 years older) a grade schooler was quite sophisticated and worldly. Just the year before she took a train trip with her mother to an exotic sounding place called Pennsylvania. I was in awe.

This particular summer their church was sponsoring a fun day at a swimming hole in a neighboring municipality just a short distance away for children in the congregation, they were encouraged to invite others. Sharla's mother Jayne invited me, probably without her knowledge, I'm guessing.

Just as soon as Jayne drove away Sharla raced off to join kids her own age. I knew I would not be seeing her around me until it was time to go home. I was hurt but not surprised, Sharla was just being Sharla.

I loved to swim and found myself automatically walking toward the water. It wasn't too deep and comfortably cool, perfect for swimming. I wasn't in long before a girl around age 10 swam over and asked my name. We played and laughed together in the water.

Lunch was included, at this time the swimming ended. The older girl took my hand as we stepped from the water. She grabbed a towel and began drying me off, one leg & arm at time. Sharla would never have done that! Just the week before at the beach I asked her to hand me a towel and she told me, "Get it yourself!"

This older girl took my hand again and we headed toward the picnic tables. We sat together and chatted. Afterward she pushed me on the swings and we sang. She never left my side that entire day. Later she waited with me still holding my hand as the event drew to a close. My friend, Sharla was occupied elsewhere.

When Jayne arrived to pick us up it was painful to wave good bye. I knew I'd never see this girl again, but I would never forget her, either! I could not have imagined that someone older would take an interest and give me such TLC. I had never felt so cared for by anyone, not even my own mother. She made me feel so special that day!

I wasn't even that cute. And there was no pay off for her.

Perhaps she was the preacher's daughter and had been instructed to befriend any stray kids. If so, I never felt she was acting out of obligation. Even now as a senior citizen I still vividly recall this angel of a girl and that day long ago!