A CURSED DAY

There are just some days I should probably never leave my house! I’m mostly homebound and I’m not complaining. However I do enjoy a day out every now and then.

This particular day, I had been looking forward to with delight. I was meeting my friend Priscilla. We were lunching at an Asian buffet in town that has the best sushi around! We had planned this two weeks before.

The previous day and the day after were bright and sunny, which is unusual because this is our monsoon season. And usually the rain hits mostly in the afternoon.

That morning however, the sky was dark. I thought it would surely clear. But as I pulled out of my garage rain suddenly poured down in torrents! And my garage door refused to close! No matter how hard or as many times as I pressed the clicker, it refused to budge. And my neighbor had installed a new battery just the last January when I was in Thailand.

I grabbed my umbrella and ran inside. I would go out the front door and walk around. However, I always struggle with that lock from the outside. I was getting drenched and the key just stuck! Then I remembered that I have a double garage, I’d go out that door. I wanted to slap myself! By now, I was soaked!

The rain was fierce and the streets were soon flooding with puddles. It became difficult for me to see thru the windshield wipers. I decided to take the longer route to the restaurant with less traffic. My car is old, low-built and long. Whenever water splashes up into the fan belt my steering wheel locks! As soon as I got into heavier traffic I held my breath every time I made a turn! I had a terrible sense of foreboding.

Arriving at the restaurant, the parking lot was jammed with cars. I was forced to park a distance away. As soon as I turned off the ignition another car pulled in close, a man jumped out and ran to the restaurant. His car was parked so near to mine I had to do gymnastics with my umbrella to get out in the heavy rain. It was a really tight squeeze!

This day just seemed to be cursed!

After being seated inside, Priscilla was 20 minutes late. I feared she was in an accident! Fortunately, it was a client showing up just as she was leaving. (This happened to me all the time when I worked in the family business.) Not realizing I didn’t have a cell phone she’d sent an email. I told her next time to call the restaurant. – That's what we did before cell phones!

Priscilla is wonderful company and worth waiting for, our lunch together was delightful as usual.

Afterward, we said good-by at the restaurant door. It was still raining. I was relieved to see there was now an empty space beside my car.

I turned the key in the ignition and my car refused to start! I tried again, same thing. I pulled the key out and just sat there awhile. It was getting hot inside, but I couldn’t open any windows due to the torrential downpour.

Again, I tried. This time my car started!!!  Relieved, I took the same route home.

As I turned into my neighborhood the heavy rain abruptly stopped. My garage door now opened immediately with no problems.

The following day, I took my car to a mechanic to check the battery. He stated it looked just fine!

I wonder if there was something in the atmosphere that particular day affecting batteries??? Because my garage clicker is also working perfectly, now!

Anyway, after returning home, I felt an enormous sense of relief. Later, I made myself a delicious cup of French vanilla coffee and I started thinking. Despite everything and all of those unpleasant things that occurred, I had returned safe and unscathed along with my car. Plus I had enjoyed a delicious lunch with Priscilla’s company.

The day was not cursed after all, just the opposite!

TASTY MIXES & QUICK FIXES

In some of my photos, I appear to be winking at the camera. -- I am not! I have a lazy eye when I don’t get enough sleep! However today’s post concerns my lazy ass. I like things simple & easy! I enjoy cooking about as much as I enjoy house work, which is not at all!

In my family, we all shared a lust for sweets.

Did you know that chocolate mousse can be prepared easily and inexpensively? Just make instant dark chocolate pudding, add 3 heaping tablespoons of instant coffee, and then mix with 2 cups whipped topping until the mixture turns mocha colored. To make it extra delectable, add pulverized bittersweet dark chocolate chips.  Ooh! La! La! -- Actually this is ersatz chocolate mousse, but it’ll satisfy any sweet tooth!

When my father was alive; I used to line goblets with sliced canned peaches, then fill with either coconut or pistachio pudding and top with a dollop of whipped crème & jam. He enjoyed these. Dad also liked it when I drained chunk pineapple & mixed it with banana pudding & coconut flakes. My father’s favorite dessert was pudding.

I prefer baked goods. Plus the oven did most of the work! And mine were killer delicious! Sadly, I’m forced to give up this practice due to neuropathy and triglyceride issues. However, I have a recipe that is too scrumptious not to share! This is for all those who can still eat a decadent dessert worry free.

Thirty five years ago I found this EASY recipe in The Palm Beach Post and it’s still a treasure. I guarantee this will impress others with your baking skills even if you don’t have any!

 

                              SUPER DELUXE COOKIE BARS

 

First, you’ll need REFRIGERATED COOKIE DOUGH from the supermarket, the kind in the casing that resembles sausage. Chocolate Chip or Peanut Butter work best with this recipe. Also you will need a giant 4 X 8 inch CHOCOLATE BAR (I prefer dark) 3 block serving.  Also have mixed nuts/flaked coconut/rainbow sprinkles on hand.

Lightly grease a 13 X 9 inch baking pan. Preheat the oven to 350 F

 

Dump the long lump of cookie dough into the pan.

Wash & dry your hands thoroughly, then spray them with butter-flavored cooking spray.

Now with your hands spread the dough out to the far corners.

Place pan in preheated 350 F oven for 12 to 18 minutes or golden brown. Usually 15 minutes does it perfectly! Then carefully remove from oven.

While hot, take the GIANT CHOCOLATE BAR & place it atop the 13 X 9 inch cookie in the pan. As the chocolate melts, take a butter-knife & spread it, completely covering the surface.

 

Immediately, while the chocolate is still soft, top with rainbow sprinkles, or mixed chopped nuts, or flaked coconut, or even all of these together!

Cool in the refrigerator for at least an hour. Then cut into squares or strips.

EASIER THAN PIE!!!

Serve and prepare to hear comments such as, “Wow, These are fancy! They must have taken hours to make!” AND “Will you make me some around Christmas?” – Be sure to charge for this service if you do.

Cover tightly & store in refrigerator. These also keep well in the freezer.

Yummy tummy!  You may NOT want to share!!!

BITCH'N IN THE SCHOOL KITCHEN

August was the most dreaded month of my youth! In the small coastal town where I grew up we returned to school the beginning of the last week. But I can recall a few years we were forced back to class the middle of the month. As soon as the calendar turned, the nightmares began! I recall one in particular about a black school bus festooned with gargoyles and bars in the windows following me wherever I went.

Of course it wasn’t just the students & teachers returning, but many other workers, too!

The year was 1985 and I was 34 years old. Back in 1982, I lost my job and CETA connection thanks to our newly elected President Ronald Reagan. Had he not ended this program, I would have never gone without being employed. These were hard, but good jobs! I did office work. I’m not someone who tolerates heat well!

Afterward, finding any type of employment became a struggle and a disappointment. And my writing just wasn’t selling! I reached the point where I grabbed anything just to have an income. These jobs were miserable and low paying! -- No matter how desperate things may become in the future, I would rather be dead than go back to that in my old age!

I remember reading that after Reagan left office he was paid a million dollars for doing a commercial in Japan. -- What was that, 3 days of work at most? And I’m sure he had a stand-in to sit under all the hot lights. I wanted to punch myself for voting for him!!!

August 1985: I took a temporary job as a cafeteria lady in the same junior high I’d attended years earlier. I was replacing a woman who broke her leg, but I was told it could become a permanent position.

The other ladies seemed helpful and nice. When I told my friend Pat about my new job, she replied that she’d never take any position, or join any group that was ALL women due to the cattiness and backstabbing. I insisted these women were nothing like that!

I was issued a white uniform and told to provide my own hair-net. Back then, I had wavy, bleached blonde hair that was almost waist-length. An ordinary hair-net could not contain it. Fortunately, I found one with a thicker, looser weave that was white in color. It matched my uniform & shoes perfectly, and looked more like a 1940’s snood than a hair-net. – Hey, whatever I do, it’s with style!

As the kids shuffled in wearing shorts & flimsy sandals, I was speechless! Back when I attended, this type of attire was strictly verboten. In fact if our skirts were higher than 4 inches above the knee, we were sent home to change clothes! But everyone pushed the limits and eventually the school was forced to relent. Because we didn’t make our skirts, we bought them, and this is what the stores were all selling.

Naturally, the kitchen was sweltering hot, in seconds I was dripping sweat! I couldn’t wear make-up beyond lipstick; everything else melted right down my face. By the end of the day I was drenched! The first thing I did after returning home was to wash my sweat-soaked uniform and then shower & wash my hair. This was my daily routine.

My first day, the overseer walked me into the freezer where the ice-cream treats were stored. “You can have ONE of these per day, but only ONE!” she told me sternly. As a student there, I was limited to the purchase of ONE! But now I was an adult working for peanuts and they were stilling treating me this way!

Because the kids started arriving at 11:15, we ate our lunch at 10:30. At that hour I was still tasting my Cheerios, so I ate light. Then, I went back into the kitchen; “to get an early start” instead I made a beeline for the freezer! I made sure to eat TWO ice-cream treats! – But I always made certain to hide the 1st wrapper deep in a different garbage bin in case anyone got suspicious.

Three days into my employment, an additional woman was hired, a heavy-set lady named Caron. Since we were the new kids, we bonded immediately. She would join me every day for TWO ice-cream treats while the others still chatted in the cafeteria. 

After the kids had all returned to class came the immense clean-up. Filthy trays & pans were piled high waiting to be scrubbed & washed. “I’m bringing my rubber gloves from home!” I declared.

“We don’t use them, here,” I was told. I brought them anyway and everyone wanted to borrow them when I was not using.

Every day was nothing but heat, sweat, & drudgery! The work included lots of heavy lifting. And by that, I mean gigantic HOT pans straight from the oven filled with things like baked potatoes. And these pans all had sharp corners! I slashed my right hand the first day and my left the last!

The paycheck I received at the end of the week was downright depressing. Another week passed and I decided it wasn’t worth it to me. Fortunately, I quit before it was my turn to mop the floor.

The good-bys were all good-natured and I felt a tinge of sadness leaving this group behind. I planned to drop in around Christmas and gift them all with rubber gloves.

Several weeks after I left, Caron phoned to inform me she had fainted in the kitchen due to the heat and quit. I inquired about the other ladies there. “I defended you,” she stated.

“What? I wasn’t aware I did anything that needed defending!” I exclaimed.

“Well, eh, they said negative things about you. But I kept telling them I found you a sweet person and I enjoyed working with you.”

I didn’t want to believe what I was hearing. I’d rather this had not been revealed to me, but at the same time, I was glad. It saved me time and money! Needless to say, I never returned to visit bearing gifts!

BRAS, BLAHS, UGHS, & AHS!

I have a big issue with brassieres! Why do 99 per cent of them fasten in the BACK when my hands are in the FRONT??? I’m guessing that in olden times ladies had maids for this task. Guess poor women went braless; must have been a lot of jiggling and bouncing up top as they worked in the fields or fed the livestock.

Hmmn, time to consult Wikipedia, do-do-do-dah-do-do-do-dah-do-do-do-dah-do-do-do-dah-do-do-do-dah!  OK, here’s what I found. Wow! There was sure a lot of info, more than I care to share here. I’d like to think my handful of followers have attention spans as short as mine. So I’ll try to limit it to just the interesting stuff.

Brassieres have been around in one form or another since early civilization. However ancient Egyptian woman mostly bared their bosoms. In some Third World countries the women still do, or else go bare under their tops.

And here’s a surprise! The hedonistic ancient Romans considered larger, fuller breasts ugly, even comical, associating them with old age!

Small breasts were considered the more attractive right up until the Renaissance. Then, fuller were the ideal as décolletage became increasingly fashionable. Breasts were pushed up and out almost to spilling out of clothing.

Ladies of upper class were forced into tight-fitting and uncomfortable undergarments. Their worker bees were granted more slack and comfort.

The modern brassiere was patented in Germany in 1889 by a woman. Yikes, she must have been double-jointed or perhaps she had a maid.

FYI I get as much info from hardcover books (GASP!) as I do from the Internet. -- Hey I’m old and I’ve got the tits to prove it! And those ancient Romans were mostly idiots!

In my teens and 20’s, Women’s Libbers denounced bras for contributing to the suppression of women. They would have us go braless just like the underdeveloped countries. (Pun intended!) They claimed bras were created to attract male leers. -- Oh sure, as if bouncy jiggling bosoms and nipples visible under blouses would have the opposite effect!!! Brassieres were burned in trash cans. These feminists must have had really tiny breasts, because bras have a valid function!

I recall this test as a teenager: You placed a pencil under a breast and if it stayed in place, you required a bra!  -- Women are not men and I have no desire to be like them. Blah!

During the 1990’s, tops were cut wide in areas such as the neck and armpits. This created a problem with bra straps! They became impossible to conceal and were in full view everywhere. Ugh! This looked tacky as hell!

Not wanting to walk around in public looking as if I had live animals trapped under my blouse, I couldn’t go braless. So I scoured stores from mall to mall searching for bras matching the colors of my tops. Well, it still looked tacky, but not way tacky!

Back in the double zero decade, or what I refer to as the naughty oughty one, plunging cleavage was in style. I guess the 2 big round O’s inspired designers! For the more modest, (I’m NOT one) camisole bras with lace flowers across the top began to appear.

Of course around my house, I only put on a bra (or clothes) for company. – I live in Florida and keep my A.C. set on 80 degrees to save money! I prefer plunging cut-aways in lighter, thinner fabrics. I sure don’t miss having to dress every single day! Bras are uncomfortable in warm weather, but necessary in public.

Front fastening brassieres do exist, but are rare and difficult to find. And I might add that strap adjustments are also located in the BACK for your inconvenience! Bras must be removed (often several times) to make any adjustments for comfort. Ugh!

Brassieres that FASTEN and ADJUST in the BACK belong in a MUSEUM!!! Why are the majority still made this way??? THESE are the bras that should be BURNED!!! They deserve to be gathered up, soaked in gasoline and set aflame in front of the stores that sold them!

Women should demand that brassieres be designed to easily CLOSE and ADJUST from the FRONT!!!  Just imagine the ease, convenience, and the time it would save. AHHH!

THE CONTINENT OF PANGAEA

At age 65 I am certainly in the winter of my life. Still I vividly recall a joke I heard back in the 1970’s. (I was in my 20’s then.)  It was sexist! Even back then offensive to many, but FUNNY as all get out!!!

I planned to tell this joke at my 40^th birthday party until a friend urged me not to. “You will insult and offend too many of your guests,” she insisted.

“None of my friends are THAT sensitive!” I replied. Then I told the joke to another (older) friend and asked her opinion.

“Please do not tell that joke at your party!” she pleaded. “Yes, it is offensive!”

Most of the guests who attended my 40^th birthday party are either dead now, or no longer in my life, so I am going to tell YOU the joke!

Drum roll please!

A Frenchman was sitting on a park bench next to an old lady. The old woman looks up from her book and notices him lewdly ogling women passers-by.

“Isn’t it interesting,” said the Frenchman, “how in certain decades of a woman’s life she resembles a particular continent.”

The old woman looked puzzled . “How so?” she asked.

“For example,” the Frenchman explained, “A woman in her teens is like Africa! Grrrrrrrrr,” he growls while scratching the air in front of him. “She’s wild, unexplored, inviting adventure!”

His eyes narrow as he licks his lips salaciously. “A woman in her 20’s is like Asia, mysterious and alluring.”

 “In her 30’s a woman is like America.” His cups his hands and begins twisting them as if he’s squeezing grapefruit. “More developed and generous with natural resources.”

“And a woman in her 40’s,” he raises an eyebrow while stoking his chin, “is like Europe, OLD but still interesting in some places…. And there you have!”

“But what about me?” asked the old lady eagerly. “What about all of us women over 50?”

“Eh!” replied the Frenchman with a dismissive wave of his hand. “They’re like Australia, they exist but no one cares one way or the other.”

Badd’ da -boom!

Nowadays I’m in the Australia category, myself! (Actually, I am and always have been the lost continent of Atlantis.) And I still think this joke is hilarious! Even more so now because I can see how skewed and inaccurate this guy’s thinking really is. Also it’s a mild joke by today’s standards! It’s merely naughty without being filthy. I’ve heard many on cable that made me want to wash my ears out with Lysol!

Whenever I think of an older woman, the continent of Pangaea comes to mind. Pangaea was the first and only continent upon the earth. It existed during the Paleozoic era into the Mesozoic. Over time it broke apart, drifted and became the other continents. Mature women are like Pangaea in reverse! All those continents with their accumulated wisdom and experience rejoin the source, one super continent again emerges! This creates a more fascinating and more powerful person, not a lesser one!

Value yourself as the treasure you truly are!!! I say to older women, embrace and celebrate you!!!

I’m a far happier person today. Now in the latter season of my life, I know I’m a survivor. I remember where I’ve been, as I recall the words of Julius Caesar:  “Somewhere in the winter of me is an invincible summer!”

And also those of prophet Edgar Cayce:  “Atlantis will rise again!”