I have a singing voice like a Dutch Nightingale. For the edification of all non-history buffs, that's actually a FROG! -- Centuries back, the British and the Dutch were rivals. So anything inferior, or just plain crappy was labeled "Dutch". Think Dutch Treat or Dutch Courage and you get the idea.
As a small child, holiday songs sounded spooky and weird to me. Remember the ancient troll who tied up Carol? Woo hoo! And lets not forget Don and his gay apparel!
But then came New Year's and the scariest song of all, OLD MAN TIME! Which is exactly what I heard whenever AULD LANG SYNE was sung. And that old man was downright creepy, too! With the long blade over his shoulder, he looked just like the Grim Reaper's younger brother.
Here we are on the verge of 2012. Arguably the most frightening year in history. According to the Mayan Calendar (the most accurate ever created) this is the year the world ends on Dec. 21. I believe that's on a Friday.
For the record, I never bought into the Y2K scare.
I would not find this prophecy disturbing except that way back in 1987 a psychic couple gave me a prediction. They claimed that early in the next century the earth would shift on it's axis and the entire map would change. Also most of the planet's population would perish. And the few survivors would find themselves existing in a new stone age.
These were personal friends who never charged a cent. The lady (a former school teacher) also made predictions about my own life which came true .-- Things I never would have imagined! And they predicted more turbulence and extremes in the weather before the new earth emerged. This is happening, folks. The weather all over the planet seems to be going crazy!
Even my father was impressed by some of their revelations. Because they told us significant facts upon our 1st meeting. Personal information they could never have guessed! However, we both still had our doubts. Mostly because they had a friend (another psychic in town) who claimed the Empress of Atlantis was buried in his back yard.
I know if she was in our back yard I would have dug her up, taken her on tour, and sold tickets! Imagine the historical significance of such a discovery! Why hide this, display her to the world!
Still, it looks as if I've got one stressful year ahead. If this is my last year alive, I want to really enjoy it! At the same time, I don't want to squander my money in case this disturbing prediction proves incorrect. I can't afford any lavish high times. But I did buy myself the expensive basket of dark chocolate gophers for Christmas.
I could never adjust to life in a stone age. Especially now that I've entered my later years. I know I couldn't exist in a world without electricity! Just those few weeks without it after the hurricanes was intolerable enough. Besides, I now consider myself married to the DVR, which came between my menage a' trois with the microwave and the refrigerator.
I live in Florida and near the coast. So I'll probably end up buried under sand on the bottom of the ocean.
Since the Mayans existed several thousands years ago, I wonder if their calendar is really all that accurate? Or could it possibly be off by a few days, even months, or hopefully years. My psychics did say it would be an inexact date. Just in case, I plan to be home on that particular Friday. If the colossal tsunami strikes, I want to be inside this house as my last memory. The place I found my freedom and discovered happiness.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
ME & OLE HOPPIN' JOHN
Ewww yuck! That's my reaction upon 1st tasting a dish called Hoppin' John. Yet I eat the stuff every New Year's Eve & New Year's Day. But I do it for altruistic reasons. And everyone in my zip code and surrounding areas owes me an enormous debt of gratitude.
After getting struck by a 4th hurricane, after living in Vero Beach for only 6 yrs, I was starting to become unglued to the extent of being downright psychotic. The hurricane ordeal in itself is hair-raising enough. But the aftermath is another tribulation, usually prolonged; not to mention expensive!
There is an old superstition that eating a serving of Hoppin' John will ward off misfortune in the coming year. My anxiety was reaching the point of hysteria, plus I was desperate, and ready to try anything! But I couldn't remember if you were supposed to eat it on New Year's Eve or New Year's Day. I decided to eat it for both, so I'd be covered either way.
Frankly, most old southern dishes make me gag! And this one was no exception. Hoppin' John is mostly black-eyed peas with tomatoes and spices. Some versions of it have sausage. -- There is no way I would ever put sausage in my mouth. And that includes any type of sausage! (If you get my drift.) It's disgusting! Another has jalapino. --With my acid reflux, I'd end up in the hospital!
I found a version without those 2 ingredients. Instead it has onions and is more tolerable, but still awful-tasting. The nasty stuff comes in a can. Since I've already bought into the superstition, I feel that throwing any away would be unlucky. So I finish the can in small doses the rest of New Year's week. If I ate any larger portions, there would be hoppin' vomit.
Ever since I began this tradition on New Year's Eve 2005, Vero Beach and the surrounding areas have not been hit by any hurricanes! Of course we are now on the brink of the infamous 2012. I wonder if even ole Hoppin' John has magic powerful enough to tame that year if the Mayan prediction proves correct.
If a hurricane strikes, or the world ends in 2012; I could perish shrieking in dire agony from a horrendous demise. But at least I'll never stomach that $#!% &@^) Hoppn' Crud ever again! Until then, I'm gagging it down.
After getting struck by a 4th hurricane, after living in Vero Beach for only 6 yrs, I was starting to become unglued to the extent of being downright psychotic. The hurricane ordeal in itself is hair-raising enough. But the aftermath is another tribulation, usually prolonged; not to mention expensive!
There is an old superstition that eating a serving of Hoppin' John will ward off misfortune in the coming year. My anxiety was reaching the point of hysteria, plus I was desperate, and ready to try anything! But I couldn't remember if you were supposed to eat it on New Year's Eve or New Year's Day. I decided to eat it for both, so I'd be covered either way.
Frankly, most old southern dishes make me gag! And this one was no exception. Hoppin' John is mostly black-eyed peas with tomatoes and spices. Some versions of it have sausage. -- There is no way I would ever put sausage in my mouth. And that includes any type of sausage! (If you get my drift.) It's disgusting! Another has jalapino. --With my acid reflux, I'd end up in the hospital!
I found a version without those 2 ingredients. Instead it has onions and is more tolerable, but still awful-tasting. The nasty stuff comes in a can. Since I've already bought into the superstition, I feel that throwing any away would be unlucky. So I finish the can in small doses the rest of New Year's week. If I ate any larger portions, there would be hoppin' vomit.
Ever since I began this tradition on New Year's Eve 2005, Vero Beach and the surrounding areas have not been hit by any hurricanes! Of course we are now on the brink of the infamous 2012. I wonder if even ole Hoppin' John has magic powerful enough to tame that year if the Mayan prediction proves correct.
If a hurricane strikes, or the world ends in 2012; I could perish shrieking in dire agony from a horrendous demise. But at least I'll never stomach that $#!% &@^) Hoppn' Crud ever again! Until then, I'm gagging it down.
Friday, December 16, 2011
BURN DOWN THE CHRISTMAS TREE
My father and I celebrated only 2 Christmas holidays together in our new house. Yet they are memorable for mostly negative reasons. The first, Dad was recovering well from his heart attack and triple by-pass.
I wanted a Christmas tree, and a big one, the minute we stepped inside this house. There was a 30 ft cathedral ceiling, and our little one just wouldn't cut it here.
Since we are people who always take the easy route, we got a plastic tree. It was an 8 ft high one we purchased 2nd hand. Then we placed it atop a heavy 2 ft marble table in front of our high double-picture window. Soon we discovered we didn't have enough ornaments.
We bought a small bagful of decent ones at a thrift shop before heading to Walmart. Immediately a rack full of half-price clothes caught my eye! I raced toward it before disappearing in the dressing room. When I emerged, my father looked so angry you could almost see steam emanating from his body.
It's amazing he was never a case of spontaneous human combustion! I would not have been surprised to come down the stairs one day and find a charred and smouldering skeleton in his recliner. He certainly fit the profile!
"You look pissed," I said. "What's wrong?"
"We came here to buy ornaments and nothing else!" he snapped.
"But we have all afternoon," I reminded him.
"Well I don't want to be here all afternoon." My father fumed. He was angry for the remainder of the day.
On the way home we stopped at a Drug Store. I ran inside to pick-up his medication, plus a few other items. The place was crowded due to the holiday season. As usual, my father was sitting in the station wagon timing me with his watch. The minute I touched the car handle, I could hear him yelling because I took so long! This happened frequently.
Fast forward to the day after Christmas. We were getting ready to take the tree down. My friend Pat called long-distance with personal news. We talked for about 45 minutes. When I came downstairs, my father was just sitting there waiting. I thought he would have at least removed the ornaments.
We dismantled the tree, and put everything else in boxes. I wanted to store the Xmas stuff in our big garage. There was a huge cabinet that was nearly empty. It was the perfect spot.
"I don't want it there!" Dad snarled. He ordered me to put it in the crawlspace under the stairs. -- That spot is deep, narrow, dark, and filled with spiders! It has what I call an elf door. I have to get down on my hands and knees to maneuver in there. Plus I'm claustrophobic!
To make a long story short, that's where the tree ended up!
Six months later, my father suffered his stroke. The following Christmas was our final one together. Dad was dying of cancer, already on borrowed time.
After Christmas, when I dismantled the tree and boxed the ornaments, I told Dad I was putting the Xmas stuff in the garage. At this point, it was obvious even to him he would not be around for another holiday. So I didn't think he would object. -- Wrong!
"I told you I didn't want it there!" he hollered. "It's not up for argument!"
I informed him I wasn't crawling through that portal to Hell again! We'd have to find another place for the tree.
"Burn it, then!" He was furiously brandishing his arm in the air! "Burn it! Burn it!"
Arguing with him was useless. He got his way again. Because I knew that soon I could do anything I wanted with the tree. Including having it cremated with his cadaver!
I wanted a Christmas tree, and a big one, the minute we stepped inside this house. There was a 30 ft cathedral ceiling, and our little one just wouldn't cut it here.
Since we are people who always take the easy route, we got a plastic tree. It was an 8 ft high one we purchased 2nd hand. Then we placed it atop a heavy 2 ft marble table in front of our high double-picture window. Soon we discovered we didn't have enough ornaments.
We bought a small bagful of decent ones at a thrift shop before heading to Walmart. Immediately a rack full of half-price clothes caught my eye! I raced toward it before disappearing in the dressing room. When I emerged, my father looked so angry you could almost see steam emanating from his body.
It's amazing he was never a case of spontaneous human combustion! I would not have been surprised to come down the stairs one day and find a charred and smouldering skeleton in his recliner. He certainly fit the profile!
"You look pissed," I said. "What's wrong?"
"We came here to buy ornaments and nothing else!" he snapped.
"But we have all afternoon," I reminded him.
"Well I don't want to be here all afternoon." My father fumed. He was angry for the remainder of the day.
On the way home we stopped at a Drug Store. I ran inside to pick-up his medication, plus a few other items. The place was crowded due to the holiday season. As usual, my father was sitting in the station wagon timing me with his watch. The minute I touched the car handle, I could hear him yelling because I took so long! This happened frequently.
Fast forward to the day after Christmas. We were getting ready to take the tree down. My friend Pat called long-distance with personal news. We talked for about 45 minutes. When I came downstairs, my father was just sitting there waiting. I thought he would have at least removed the ornaments.
We dismantled the tree, and put everything else in boxes. I wanted to store the Xmas stuff in our big garage. There was a huge cabinet that was nearly empty. It was the perfect spot.
"I don't want it there!" Dad snarled. He ordered me to put it in the crawlspace under the stairs. -- That spot is deep, narrow, dark, and filled with spiders! It has what I call an elf door. I have to get down on my hands and knees to maneuver in there. Plus I'm claustrophobic!
To make a long story short, that's where the tree ended up!
Six months later, my father suffered his stroke. The following Christmas was our final one together. Dad was dying of cancer, already on borrowed time.
After Christmas, when I dismantled the tree and boxed the ornaments, I told Dad I was putting the Xmas stuff in the garage. At this point, it was obvious even to him he would not be around for another holiday. So I didn't think he would object. -- Wrong!
"I told you I didn't want it there!" he hollered. "It's not up for argument!"
I informed him I wasn't crawling through that portal to Hell again! We'd have to find another place for the tree.
"Burn it, then!" He was furiously brandishing his arm in the air! "Burn it! Burn it!"
Arguing with him was useless. He got his way again. Because I knew that soon I could do anything I wanted with the tree. Including having it cremated with his cadaver!
Friday, December 9, 2011
GETTING CARDED X
I knew civilization was rapidly declining when people stopped mailing Christmas cards. Sure the electronic ones with their singing and dancing are cute. But I prefer the kind I can hold to admire.
Growing up it was not unusual to receive 60 cards in a season. Nowadays I average about 6! Usually I give around 20. A few, I hand deliver. The rest, I mail.
Many of the recepients thank me for my card, followed by an apology. Then an explanation that they're just too busy to send cards. A pity! Although I realize most have more hectic lives than I do. -- Hey that's what you get when you have a family! Here's an idea, put the damn kids to work on the cards!
I began mailing out my own Christmas cards while in my teens. Of course cards and postage were both cheap then. Also it was lots of fun! I used colored inks, plus a variety of holiday stickers.
Christmas cards were always special to me. As a child, I insisted upon opening all letters with cards. Then I would critique them. Back in the day, most were dazzling with lots of gold, silver, & colored glitter! They were too beautiful to toss. After Chrismas we kept them in boxes in the attic. Now most are so plain and unimaginative I have no problem deep-sixing them after the holidays.
I also delight in odd and funny cards, too. Awhile back, I sent ones with a crotchety Santa on the cover complaining about all the goody two-shoes, suck-up kids and swearing only to reward bad ones that year. Inside it read, "Looks like it's going to be your year!" That always brought a laugh!
Another featured a neon-red eyed tree frog in a Santa hat that a former neighbor swore gave her nightmares!
I once sent cards with a sleigh pulled by dinosaurs and a tyrannosaurus Rex dressed as Santa. Inside it read, "Have an old-fashioned Christmas!"
Lately, I've been sending Christmas cards with Barbie, including the usual type of Barbie comments. In one she declares, "Christmas is weird!" -- Right on Barbie, that's very true!
Not being religious in the conventional sense, I rarely send reverent cards for 2 reasons. 1... I have suspicions that Christ was actually an extraterrestrial. 2... The exact date of Christ's birth is unknown. -- Dec. 25 was a date commandeered from an ancient Roman holiday. A wildly pagan festival of debauchery called Saturnalia, rife with state-sanctioned rape, looting, naked singers, and human sacrifice! -- Just imagine the cards you could create for that event!
A popular singer/actress born on Dec. 25 used to celebrate with 2 birthday cakes. The extra was for the Christ child. Others found it touching. I thought it just showed her lack of education. I always wondered who ate the extra cake!
I have a relative I dearly love. The man is well-versed in the bible. He can quote any holy scripture. But when you try to talk to him on any other subject, the guy is dumb as dog poop. And worse, he's arrogant about his ignorance!
As a believer in reincarnation, I see God as more of a cosmic conciousness. Karma makes sense to me. However, I'm willing to admit I could be wrong! No one knows all the answers! Because no one has all the information. Not even the bible-thumpers, even if they think they do.
But I embrace the spirit of Christmas! Also I believe The Golden Rule and The Ten Commandments are perfect guidelines for life. They should be practiced year-round! Everyone backslides, now and then. Just be sure to take 2 leaps forward! And don't turn your holiday celebration into Saturnalia!...It's bad karma.
Growing up it was not unusual to receive 60 cards in a season. Nowadays I average about 6! Usually I give around 20. A few, I hand deliver. The rest, I mail.
Many of the recepients thank me for my card, followed by an apology. Then an explanation that they're just too busy to send cards. A pity! Although I realize most have more hectic lives than I do. -- Hey that's what you get when you have a family! Here's an idea, put the damn kids to work on the cards!
I began mailing out my own Christmas cards while in my teens. Of course cards and postage were both cheap then. Also it was lots of fun! I used colored inks, plus a variety of holiday stickers.
Christmas cards were always special to me. As a child, I insisted upon opening all letters with cards. Then I would critique them. Back in the day, most were dazzling with lots of gold, silver, & colored glitter! They were too beautiful to toss. After Chrismas we kept them in boxes in the attic. Now most are so plain and unimaginative I have no problem deep-sixing them after the holidays.
I also delight in odd and funny cards, too. Awhile back, I sent ones with a crotchety Santa on the cover complaining about all the goody two-shoes, suck-up kids and swearing only to reward bad ones that year. Inside it read, "Looks like it's going to be your year!" That always brought a laugh!
Another featured a neon-red eyed tree frog in a Santa hat that a former neighbor swore gave her nightmares!
I once sent cards with a sleigh pulled by dinosaurs and a tyrannosaurus Rex dressed as Santa. Inside it read, "Have an old-fashioned Christmas!"
Lately, I've been sending Christmas cards with Barbie, including the usual type of Barbie comments. In one she declares, "Christmas is weird!" -- Right on Barbie, that's very true!
Not being religious in the conventional sense, I rarely send reverent cards for 2 reasons. 1... I have suspicions that Christ was actually an extraterrestrial. 2... The exact date of Christ's birth is unknown. -- Dec. 25 was a date commandeered from an ancient Roman holiday. A wildly pagan festival of debauchery called Saturnalia, rife with state-sanctioned rape, looting, naked singers, and human sacrifice! -- Just imagine the cards you could create for that event!
A popular singer/actress born on Dec. 25 used to celebrate with 2 birthday cakes. The extra was for the Christ child. Others found it touching. I thought it just showed her lack of education. I always wondered who ate the extra cake!
I have a relative I dearly love. The man is well-versed in the bible. He can quote any holy scripture. But when you try to talk to him on any other subject, the guy is dumb as dog poop. And worse, he's arrogant about his ignorance!
As a believer in reincarnation, I see God as more of a cosmic conciousness. Karma makes sense to me. However, I'm willing to admit I could be wrong! No one knows all the answers! Because no one has all the information. Not even the bible-thumpers, even if they think they do.
But I embrace the spirit of Christmas! Also I believe The Golden Rule and The Ten Commandments are perfect guidelines for life. They should be practiced year-round! Everyone backslides, now and then. Just be sure to take 2 leaps forward! And don't turn your holiday celebration into Saturnalia!...It's bad karma.
Monday, December 5, 2011
BE SEATED & DIE
A recent report stated that the more time spent sitting down the shorter the life span. Just reading that nearly gave me a heart attack! Because I'm still on my honeymoon with my DVR and movie channels. Plus during the holiday season, I spend so much time watching television I worry about getting bedsores on my behind.
Perusing the programming guide on my DVR often I see titles of movies I've already watched. Always I think back to what was going on in my life at that time. Sometimes I feel melancholy, or homicidal. And for that reason I won't sit through those films again. But there's plenty of others to keep me entertained. I've seen movies so cheesy they're fun, such as FLIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, Zombies On A Plane.
I absolutely LOVE movies! Zombie flicks are my favorite of the horror genre. I also adore sweeping 3 hour long historical costume dramas. I enjoy foreign films with subtitles and old silent movies as well. Action & slasher flicks are exhilarating to watch! Cartoon comedies are also a delight. Bring on the movies, I can't get enough!
Also this time of year I deviate from my diet . During the holiday season all the special food goes on display. Fruitcake, rum, & Amaretto cake, frosted Christmas cookies, shortbread & butter cookies, every sort of torte, multiple varieties of fudge, holiday ice creams, pecan logs, divinity candy, chocolate covered fruit, platters of petits fours & bon bons etc; everything sweet, delicious, and wonderful! Desserts are an integral part of the holidays. Also the brie wheels stuffed with fruit & nuts: and of course eggnog, what would the holiday season be without it. If I don't indulge, I feel deprived!
Yet I am a woman who absolutely refuses to be overweight! My vanity is as much a source of strength as it is a weakness. I have a lust for sweets akin to an addiction! But I do try to be moderate and ration the goodies.
A few years back, I was ogling a Christmas cake at a supermarket bakery. Tempted as I was, I told the clerk I was going to decline. Because a holiday party was coming up. I wanted to be certain I could fit into my beautiful tight dress.
Well she launched into a tirade about how it took her 50 yrs to finally accept herself as she was. But by golly, now she did! After she finished her rant, I told her, " I like myself trim. And I intend to stay this way!"
I can't relate to people who don't give a crap about their appearance! And they seem to be in the majority. But dropping weight has always come easily to me. And I love to eat, too!
Who doesn't love to eat?! But there's an old saying, "Don't dig your grave with your teeth." Over-indulging and being sedentary is a lethal combination. And this is a dangerous time of the year.
Plus this is one of the best television seasons in memory! I hate saying goodbye to those frisky and DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. They will be missed. Despite of all the great new programs, returning favorites and lots of variety to enjoy.
The History channel was best when it was still the Hitler channel. But then I'm a World War II buff. However, I must admit I am intrigued by those ANCIENT ALIENS.
I am loving FX's AMERICAN HORROR STORY. And don't get me started on AMC's THE WALKING DEAD! I wish it was on every night of the week! I am fervidly awaiting the next episode when the season resumes in February. Also I've quickly become addicted to that riveting western series HELL ON WHEELS. And there's my old returning favorite ID's DEADLY WOMEN.
Recently in the news, were articles about 2 dead women. One was found mummified in her chair. The other was fused to it. It gave me chills! Could that be the way I'll go out? Which reminded me of another favorite show on the Spike channel. I don't want to be a feature on 1000 WAYS TO DIE!
I'm getting out my weights and doing extra push-ups, right now!
Perusing the programming guide on my DVR often I see titles of movies I've already watched. Always I think back to what was going on in my life at that time. Sometimes I feel melancholy, or homicidal. And for that reason I won't sit through those films again. But there's plenty of others to keep me entertained. I've seen movies so cheesy they're fun, such as FLIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, Zombies On A Plane.
I absolutely LOVE movies! Zombie flicks are my favorite of the horror genre. I also adore sweeping 3 hour long historical costume dramas. I enjoy foreign films with subtitles and old silent movies as well. Action & slasher flicks are exhilarating to watch! Cartoon comedies are also a delight. Bring on the movies, I can't get enough!
Also this time of year I deviate from my diet . During the holiday season all the special food goes on display. Fruitcake, rum, & Amaretto cake, frosted Christmas cookies, shortbread & butter cookies, every sort of torte, multiple varieties of fudge, holiday ice creams, pecan logs, divinity candy, chocolate covered fruit, platters of petits fours & bon bons etc; everything sweet, delicious, and wonderful! Desserts are an integral part of the holidays. Also the brie wheels stuffed with fruit & nuts: and of course eggnog, what would the holiday season be without it. If I don't indulge, I feel deprived!
Yet I am a woman who absolutely refuses to be overweight! My vanity is as much a source of strength as it is a weakness. I have a lust for sweets akin to an addiction! But I do try to be moderate and ration the goodies.
A few years back, I was ogling a Christmas cake at a supermarket bakery. Tempted as I was, I told the clerk I was going to decline. Because a holiday party was coming up. I wanted to be certain I could fit into my beautiful tight dress.
Well she launched into a tirade about how it took her 50 yrs to finally accept herself as she was. But by golly, now she did! After she finished her rant, I told her, " I like myself trim. And I intend to stay this way!"
I can't relate to people who don't give a crap about their appearance! And they seem to be in the majority. But dropping weight has always come easily to me. And I love to eat, too!
Who doesn't love to eat?! But there's an old saying, "Don't dig your grave with your teeth." Over-indulging and being sedentary is a lethal combination. And this is a dangerous time of the year.
Plus this is one of the best television seasons in memory! I hate saying goodbye to those frisky and DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. They will be missed. Despite of all the great new programs, returning favorites and lots of variety to enjoy.
The History channel was best when it was still the Hitler channel. But then I'm a World War II buff. However, I must admit I am intrigued by those ANCIENT ALIENS.
I am loving FX's AMERICAN HORROR STORY. And don't get me started on AMC's THE WALKING DEAD! I wish it was on every night of the week! I am fervidly awaiting the next episode when the season resumes in February. Also I've quickly become addicted to that riveting western series HELL ON WHEELS. And there's my old returning favorite ID's DEADLY WOMEN.
Recently in the news, were articles about 2 dead women. One was found mummified in her chair. The other was fused to it. It gave me chills! Could that be the way I'll go out? Which reminded me of another favorite show on the Spike channel. I don't want to be a feature on 1000 WAYS TO DIE!
I'm getting out my weights and doing extra push-ups, right now!
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